Getting support from your Significant Other. NOT!

houstonmacbro

In the past two months I have really took a leap towards a healthy life style. To put it simply, I've learned self control thanks to the help of MFP and all my amazing friends....

The issue is the significant other. He really hasn't "converted" with me. When you spend your evenings together and one person (him) is content to curl up and watch TV and the other person (me) wants to go for a run or a bike or a walk or weight lifting, SOMETHING other then sitting on the couch, BUT I don't want to give up my time with him either because of our long work days. We get maybe two hours a night together, if that. And quite honestly I could spend those two hours on MFP... He absolutely refuses to join MFP. I wish he would be my running partner

I guess my question is how do you merge a relationship when you've become two totally different people?

He represents the life I used to live. I'm not that fat, lazy person anymore. He could benefit from the same changes I have made. I try not to push him because when I was heavy everyone in the world could have told me I needed to lose weight but, it didn't happen until I was ready.

UGH!

My partner doesn't want to exercise with me and we don't eat the same foods, so sometimes it feels ... lonely. But I have learned to do this on my own. Not easy, but not as hard as I expected.

As others have said, you have to do this for you.

Ashley121205

It took almost 5 months for my husband to get on board. I don't know if he thought I wasn't serious about it because I lost 20 pounds before but gained it back. But suddenly he was interested in my working out, trying new meals and even completed a 5k with me earlier in the month. I think you have the right approach not to push him too hard about it but casually mentioning it isn't a bad idea. My husband in now way will change his eating habits totally or exercise regularly but he is supportive of me and willing to try. That's all you can ask

chevy88grl

Unfortunately, you can not change him. If he wants to get healthy - he will, otherwise asking him to do so will be considered "nagging". That being said, don't give up on the things that matter to you. If running matters - do it. I understand not getting a lot of time together, but isn't better to spend less time with him because you are doing what makes you feel good? If you decide you'll give up running or working out because you want to spend more time with him - you'll start to feel resentful towards him because he's keeping you from doing the things you enjoy.

I say - go and run. Let him have his couch time while you do this. Tell him "When I get back, we'll watch a movie or something together". Then go. Run. Enjoy yourself. When you get home, you'll feel refresh and happy that you worked out. Then spend time with him.

Good Luck!

UpEarly

My husband does not regularly exercise. He also does not eat healthy *at all*. But, he is proud of me and supportive of my choices.

I try to do my workouts in the morning/afternoon, so we can still spend our evenings together vegging on the couch and watching movies or TV. I'll fix him the foods he loves, and just eat smaller portions or fix myself something different. I try not to talk to much about health or weight loss or nutrition to him - unless he asks. I figure he'll come around to it when he's ready... or maybe never. That's OK - I love him the way he is.

vsmurrow

This is going to sound a little dramatic, but I'm gonna throw a metaphor at you...

In NA and AA, or any kind of rehab that's trying to eliminate addiction, dealing with the family is a big, scary step for the recoverees. It involves multiple surveyed meetings with a guidance counselor, lots of yelling and screaming on the parts of both parties, and often some tears.
If you were recovering from, say, an addiction to heroin and your significant other was still dealing skag on the streets of Detroit, but you REALLY want to get better... well, what would you do?

livinginwoods

This is a sensitive topic for me. When I was a teenager my mom lost 150 lbs and left my Dad and us when he did not follow in her footsteps for another man. Not saying this is going to happen to you but because of this I refuse to expect my husband to be like me. It would be nice, yes, but I refuse to force him or get angry at him for not wanting to exercise with me or eat like I do. This is MY weight loss journey, not his. And he is learning to support me and even changing some habits without realizing it. We find ways to work things out. My marriage vows were for better or worse. Sickness or health. Be patient with your husband and with yourself. Good luck.

Sidesteal

This is a sensitive topic for me. When I was a teenager my mom lost 150 lbs and left my Dad and us when he did not follow in her footsteps for another man. Not saying this is going to happen to you but because of this I refuse to expect my husband to be like me. It would be nice, yes, but I refuse to force him or get angry at him for not wanting to exercise with me or eat like I do. This is MY weight loss journey, not his. And he is learning to support me and even changing some habits without realizing it. We find ways to work things out. My marriage vows were for better or worse. Sickness or health. Be patient with your husband and with yourself. Good luck.

^ This is a great post aside from the unfortunate situation with your family.

sunflower_yogi

I'm in sort of the same situation. My husband just doesn't "get it." He's naturally healthy and built because of his job. He's supportive--he'd buy me a gym if I asked him too, but he's not interested in talking about it too much. We have issues when it comes to weight loss. He believes in a lot of the myths but is uninterested in expanding his knowledge on the subject. And if I try to explain something he thinks he needs to be right. We don't argue or anything but it's so annoying. It's something that I have become passionate about and he really could care less....as long as he has a hot wife he doesn't care. That sounds awful, but that's how I feel. So, yeah, it sucks...The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel. But don't let it come between you and don't let him drag you down.

My husband is the same. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am doing this on my own and he supports me by paying for my gym membership. The rest is on me. I don't tell him anymore about my goals or how my work out went cause he's not very positive. So basically I'm doing this for myself and in the end, he'll either have a hot wife or a hot ex wife...And I'm happy with knowing that.

Yep.. here too... except my husband isn't naturally fit... he is actually in denial. almost as if he doesn't really think the natural rules of diet/nutrition/fitness and how they affect our bodies don't apply to him. he still has a hot wife (at 42), one that has had 3 children, so why the hell would he need to think about how he eats or his sedentary lifestyle? it's very frustrating to me. it's not like i thoroughly enjoy looking at his pot belly every day... i would love it if he would make exercise even a small priority.. but it ain't happening. his exercise comes in the 'natural form' -- working in yard, etc... that is fine, but it's seasonal and sporadic.

anyhow, i feel your pain.

Oplesandbanonos

My problem is that my boyfriend is kind of a know it all jerk when it comes to this sort of thing. He (and i love him to death) has a beer gut, and seems to think that if he ever wanted to get in shape, it's just going to take him three days and he can eat whatever he wants until then. He tries to tell me i need to start working out and that i shouldn't eat this or that because "i've eaten too much already". i just fluff it off and go on about my business doing what i want. He isn't supportive at all, doesn't think i'll ever be in shape (he has no room to talk) and doesn't ever say anything supportive or helpful.


So my situation is a bit different than yours, but kind of the same. Mine likes to sit around, drink beer and play xbox all day. I've started eating healthier, getting more active and just working on self improvement where i need to. So i guess in the end we'll see what happens.

As far as your situation goes, i would just give it some time. maybe he will see how hot you're getting, and how happy you are working out and stuff and he'll eventually want to do it too.

taramaureen

Your SO is under no obligation to change with you. Support comes in a variety of ways, not just monkey see monkey do.

DH and I do not lead the same lifestyle. DH, due to injuries, cannot be as active as I am. However he supports me by going to my races and asks me about my training... stuff like that. He also doesn't have the same diet I do. We share dinner together and I either tweek the recipies so they're healthier, eat smaller portions, or both. I also tend to exercise before work (is this an option for you?)

Part of being in a marriage is realizing there are differences between you and your spouse but loving the other even when you change. There's really no reason to pressure him into doing what you are... life long good habits have to come within not because your spouse wants you to change.

alofay

Why you want to make him run with you? You are not a 2 yrs old! All I heard are excuses.... the same thing about spend time
together.....
You should try to get healthy for yourself and that's it.
You can't change a person unless he's willing to change himself. The only thing you can do is cooking healthy food and if he does not want to eat then he should cook for himself.

If he make fun of you and try to break your spirit so you don't have a will to get healthy then you have something to complain about.
Stop make excuses and DO IT!

Mr. Fire Dragon. This wasn't about me making excuses for not being able to work out... I'm pretty sure my weight loss speaks for itself? I do work out but as my post said previously I am sacrificing time with the SO to do so.

alofay

My problem is that my boyfriend is kind of a know it all jerk when it comes to this sort of thing. He (and i love him to death) has a beer gut, and seems to think that if he ever wanted to get in shape, it's just going to take him three days and he can eat whatever he wants until then. He tries to tell me i need to start working out and that i shouldn't eat this or that because "i've eaten too much already". i just fluff it off and go on about my business doing what i want. He isn't supportive at all, doesn't think i'll ever be in shape (he has no room to talk) and doesn't ever say anything supportive or helpful.


So my situation is a bit different than yours, but kind of the same. Mine likes to sit around, drink beer and play xbox all day. I've started eating healthier, getting more active and just working on self improvement where i need to. So i guess in the end we'll see what happens.

As far as your situation goes, i would just give it some time. maybe he will see how hot you're getting, and how happy you are working out and stuff and he'll eventually want to do it too.

Is this a serious BF?

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

I think you should be having this discussion with your SO. Since it sounds like you're the one who changed, not him, he may not even realize this bothers you. And honestly, I don't think his not wanting to run constitutes lack of support unless there's a lot more to this story. My hubby and I have had to compromise on food a lot, since we both love to cook but he loves unhealthy recipes and I prefer more veggies and less fat. So we plan our meals together; I learn to make healthier alternatives to his favorites so he doesn't feel deprived and when he cooks he tries to include a healthier option for me. The point is that you're not going to be on the same page about every single thing, so you have to discuss what's important to both of you and figure out the best solution for you as a couple. Maybe that means you sacrifice a little by working out earlier in the day so that you can enjoy some down time with him later. Maybe it means 3 nights per week he agrees to go for a walk instead of sitting on the sofa. Whatever the solution is, you have to find it together.

livinginwoods

Maybe if the problem is sacrificing time at night you should get up earlier in the morning to run and put extra time into it so you can spend the evenings with your husband.

M_lifts

My hubby and i both work long hours and realise time is precious. when i joined mfp in jan he knew it was important to me and let me do my own thing. I didnt try and convert him- but he soon realised I was losing weight and as a result so was he because i was cooking for us! So something was working and since then he has been quite supportive as his clothes are loser and he is looking trim!

Running is not his thing and i havent forced it on him, PLus i get to go running and zumba in the evenings (2-3times a week) and he stays in with our daughter. So i get to get some 'me' time! During the summer he gets to play cricket and so is gone all day saturday- this is his exercise and its what he loves to do. We've just got a kinect and are looking forward to playing lots of games on it! So maybe find something similar you both enjoy? You could also try getting your workouts first thing in the morning so you can spend evenings together? Hope you find something that works for you both!

btw well done on your weight loss so far!

yankeedownsouth

I totally get what you're saying. It's not that you're upset that your husband isn't being supportive and it's not that you're making excuses to NOT do what you need to do... You just want to spend those two hours with your hubby, and it makes you upset that you can't do it.

I've totally been there. When my hubby came home from Iraq, I wanted to spend all my time with him. Heck, he's been home for a year and a few months now, and I still want to spend my evenings and free time with him. I ENJOY being with him. But he loves loves loves to sit on the couch. So when he came home, I ended up spending all my free time sitting on the couch rather than riding my bike or doing active things outdoors. And I gained weight - like 20 lbs. Ugh. And now that I am trying to lose it, I have to just accept the fact that I'm not going to get to sit on the couch with him at night as much as I want to. Especially since after I get home from work, I have to make dinner, clean up, deal with the kids, AND exercise somehow.

So yeah, it's easy to understand why you'd want him to spend part of those two hours taking a walk or doing something active with you.

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice - just empathy. I feel your pain...

alofay

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted on this because it definitely opened up to the idea that just because Chad doesn't want to go for a run doesn't mean that he isn't supportive in his own ways. Also the comments aided in our very long personal discussion of the matter.

I'm happy to say that last night I helped Chad pack his lunch for work and totaled all of the calories with him and as of This morning he is an official MFP member

lol

chunkiedunker is his username if anyone is interested in adding him!

Thank you all again!

carrie_eggo

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted on this because it definitely opened up to the idea that just because Chad doesn't want to go for a run doesn't mean that he isn't supportive in his own ways. Also the comments aided in our very long personal discussion of the matter.

I'm happy to say that last night I helped Chad pack his lunch for work and totaled all of the calories with him and as of This morning he is an official MFP member

lol

chunkiedunker is his username if anyone is interested in adding him!

Thank you all again!

:happy: :drinker: :happy: