Not sure how to handle this, need some advice

MEMA5

:mad: THIS MAN SOUND LIKE A VERY CREEPY STALKER, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVENTUALLY THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR HIM. TRY HAVING YOUR HUSBAND SAY SOMETHING TO HIM, SECOND FILE A FORMAL COMPLAINT WITH YOU JOB IN WRITING TO YOUR HR DEPARTMENT, KEEPING A COPY OF THAT REPORT AND FILING A STALKING REPORT WITH YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT. MOST STATES NOW HAVE STALKING LAWS NOW. THE "GROSS OUT METHOD " IS FOR JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL KIDS. THIS MAN SOUND LIKE HE HAS A DEFINITE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM. CARRY PERSONAL PROTECTION LIKE PEPPER SPRAY,WHISTLE, MAKE SURE YOUR CAR IS LOCKED AT ALL TIMES AND IF YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE HAVE SOMEONE WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR, OR HAVE YOUR HUSBAND PICK YOU UP. FINALLY KEEP A RECORD OF EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND WHEN THIS STARTED ALONG WITH ALL THE REPORTS YOU MAKE. HOPE THIS HELPS YOU, PLEASE BE SMART AND STAY SAFE...PEACE ISSY:flowerforyou:

MummyHungry

I would suggest, looking him in the eye and politely, but firmly, telling him that you do not appreciate his attention and ask him to stop. He may just be socially inept and doesn't know the discomfort he is causing you.

If that doesn't work, go to HR.

Seconding. Straightforward is almost always the way to go, and at least he will have fair warning if you have to get bosses involved

CrazyDaisysMommy

I think if he does anything else creepy I will call him out on it really loud, in front of everyone. For instance if he is staring at me maybe I will yell out, " Don't you have anything better to do than to stare at me? Go away!" Then if he keeps it up, I will go to management.

I feel for you! I used to be the target of these kinds of social predators and had to deal with a stalker a few years ago. Then I became a ***** and never looked back! You may want to start first by calmly saying something like, "Your comments and stares are making me uncomfortable. I am a happily married woman, which I'm sure you are aware, so this attention is unwanted." And you should definitely bring it to the attention of HR. You may not be the only one he is harassing. Seeing how you get the creepy vibe, you should trust that instinct, but you don't know what he is capable of. If you lead with something very loud that might make him feel small and humiliated, it may make things worse for you. The thing about creepy is you never know what you're going to get. But a firm, direct statement will probably do the trick.

Curvy1taliana

I would just say "you are invading my personal space and making me feel uncomfortable. Please respect my wishes and leave me alone, I am married".
If that doesn't work, tell him to eff off!
If that doesn't work, file a complaint of harrassment with HR.

andezz99

H.R. May seem drastic and you don't want the guy to get in trouble, but, you don't deserve to feel uncomfortable in your work place. He may also be bothering others. I think if presented from an HR representative that his actions are making a married coworker uncomfortable enough to go to HR and that his actions are putting his job in danger, may be the wake-up call he needs.

Curvy1taliana

You may want to start first by calmly saying something like, "Your comments and stares are making me uncomfortable. I am a happily married woman, which I'm sure you are aware, so this attention is unwanted." And you should definitely bring it to the attention of HR. You may not be the only one he is harassing. Seeing how you get the creepy vibe, you should trust that instinct, but you don't know what he is capable of. If you lead with something very loud that might make him feel small and humiliated, it may make things worse for you. The thing about creepy is you never know what you're going to get. But a firm, direct statement will probably do the trick.

haha, I must have been typing my own advice when you posted this, great minds think alike!

kennethmgreen

If you have said NOTHING to this guy, you should tell him you are uncomfortable and do not wish to engage in conversation with him. I suggest email so it is documented. If that does not work, immediately report the situation to HR.

It's important to set a boundary first,because so far, it sounds like we're all talking about are interpretations and assumptions. He may simply have terrible boundaries or be socially awkward. You can't expect everyone to just "take a hint" - you have to explicitly set a boundary.

I suggest you set a boundary with this guy first before reporting him.

I sincerely hope the people advising violence based on what you think may be creepy advances are never part of a jury.

CrazyDaisysMommy

You may want to start first by calmly saying something like, "Your comments and stares are making me uncomfortable. I am a happily married woman, which I'm sure you are aware, so this attention is unwanted." And you should definitely bring it to the attention of HR. You may not be the only one he is harassing. Seeing how you get the creepy vibe, you should trust that instinct, but you don't know what he is capable of. If you lead with something very loud that might make him feel small and humiliated, it may make things worse for you. The thing about creepy is you never know what you're going to get. But a firm, direct statement will probably do the trick.

haha, I must have been typing my own advice when you posted this, great minds think alike!

It looks like a lot of people posted all the same advice at the same time!

jkk8738

Careful with the public embarrassment. If he is mentally unstable, that could send him over the edge. This is a management and HR issue. They are trained in handling this so both parties feel respected and there is no public humiliation.

mszimmerman76

Speaking as someone who was in retail management for 8 years, please do not yell at him in front of everyone! He could turn this around on you for making a hostile work environment for him and you could get in trouble. Do not play the gross out game. You are only engaging with him which is what he wants. Go to a manager you can trust. They will have a talk with him and try to correct the behavior. If it doesn't stop they will continue efforts until it does stop so they can protect EVERYONE. If your managers do not know there is a problem, they can not ix it. Besides, there are probably others who are afraid to go get help.

Nharley

I think the only thing you can do is to report him to management. If his behavior is also being witnessed by others and/or you have spoken out loud to other employees about your displeasure with his affection, then you really should feel ok about going to the management. The other option is to loudly tell him you do not like his attention. This will draw attention to his behavior in the vicinity of others, which if you are in an area where you are isolated could deter him from making any further advances.

TourThePast

I would suggest, looking him in the eye and politely, but firmly, telling him that you do not appreciate his attention and ask him to stop. He may just be socially inept and doesn't know the discomfort he is causing you.

If that doesn't work, go to HR.

I would confront him and tell him politely he is making you uncomfortable for example "i would appreciate if you would stop making comments about my looks etc I am a married woman and it makes me extremely uncomfortable" if he continues go to hr and report him... Document when you tell him this and when you tell hr. I would make sure you have a close coworker with you when you say something so it's not your word against his. Also, continue to document what he does so if you have to take it further you have all the info with dates.

If you have said NOTHING to this guy, you should tell him you are uncomfortable and do not wish to engage in conversation with him. I suggest email so it is documented. If that does not work, immediately report the situation to HR.

It's important to set a boundary first,because so far, it sounds like we're all talking about are interpretations and assumptions. He may simply have terrible boundaries or be socially awkward. You can't expect everyone to just "take a hint" - you have to explicitly set a boundary.

I suggest you set a boundary with this guy first before reporting him.

All these are talking perfect sense.

You really REALLY need to tell him, plainly and simply, in front of witnesses if possible, that you are finding his approaches offensive.

If you go to HR, that's the first thing they'll ask you...

killagb

Just go out to lunch with him and see how that goes.

infamousmk

Just go out to lunch with him and see how that goes.

Totally. He probably just wants to go to lunch, but is just too shy to ask.

tigress7435

Tell him flat out he is making you uncomfortable and he needs to stop. If he doesn't go to your boss or HR. He should not be treating you that way. Good luck and please be safe.

poisongirl6485

Start talking about cervical mucus.

LMSCROGG

You need to report it to you Human Resources Office....

tiggerbounce411

Talk to him,but start talking about your pierod how bad the cramps are the flow,right down to the color and consistency.

AWESOME idea. if he likes any part of this convo..REPORT HIS *kitten*. Seriously that isn't ok and his comments are total sexual harrassment if he keeps up after you politely tell him what he's doing is not ok with you and you would appreciate him staying away.

dragonbait0126

Here's my concern about confronting him. Worst case scenario if you confront him it could just tick him off and he escalates from where he is now. Whether it's in front of a witness or not, the potentional for him to be embarrassed is there and that combined with the anger and the potential mental imbalance is NOT a good combination and is a situation you should avoid at all costs. Going to management or HR and letting them handle will not only alert them to the situation but also removes you from the confrontation. That's what HR and management are there for.

If you were to confront him the best case scenario would be him apologizing and everything becoming hunky dory. But reading what you have stated that doesn't sound like what will happen to me. In your gut, do you trust this guy to remain calm and rational if you confront him? I stand by my original statement.

**I use the word confront to mean talk to him directly not necessarily in a confrontational manner.**

I do not think he is looking to ask you out to lunch. Do not feel bad about going to HR or management and potentially getting him in trouble. You need to look out for your best interests and safety and by allowing this to continue or confronting him you may find that you are the one in trouble.

VegGrrl

I would suggest, looking him in the eye and politely, but firmly, telling him that you do not appreciate his attention and ask him to stop. He may just be socially inept and doesn't know the discomfort he is causing you.

If that doesn't work, go to HR.

What he said. I know some guys with Asperger's and they just don't get how they come across...but he could just be a creep. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt though - be very straight forward and tell him plainly that his advances are not welcome. Then if he persists, go to HR ASAP!

solpwr

Thank you everyone for the great advice! I feel better about this, and I feel better equipped to handle this situation. Next time he approaches me I will tell him, I do not appreciate his attention and I wish he would stop! If he doesn't stop I will go to management! : )

Sounds like you have a good plan. When you tell him that you do not appreciate his attention, also make it clear that it is making you uncomfortable and that it MUST stop.

I would also strongly suggest that this interaction is heard by someone else that is willing to corroborate the situation.

Often these people will claim ignorance when confronted by management if it comes down to that later.