Hurtful comments about weight?
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I've made a deal with my boyfriend that if we gain weight so much that we're starting to lose the attraction we'll simply start being more active together and cook healthier things for each other.
Say if i was inactive and always bought and cooked bad foods, then he'd help by saying we should go for walks and swim together or something, and he would encourage us BOTH to eat healthier and by healthier foods. The idea is we do it together. Same is vice versa if he gained weight - we wouldn't say we're not attracted to each other, or that we're fat, but try to encourage a better standard of living for us both.
If one person has gotten large, you can bet the other isn't eating/exercising right either, and thus it's beneficial for both parties.
As for saying someone is fat, or even that someone is too skinny, both are negative. I got called fat a few weeks ago and maybe i shouldn't eat those chips (fries), and yet, last week i got told there's nothing of me and i must only eat carrots!0 -
My ex-husband used to occasionally insult my weight, despite the fact that he was fatter than I was. However, I noticed he would insult my weight RIGHT AFTER a guy would compliment me on my body. He would get so mad if a guy was even nice to me, thinking that the guy was flirting. (Not that he would ever say anything to the guy about it. He would chew ME out about it later, although everyone else will tell you that I have a very "hands off, not interested" attitude. Ask me why he's an ex, lol.)
But I digress. My point? I never found his insults to be particularly motivating.
Since then, I've remarried...and my husband LOVES my body. At first, my issue was that if I tried to lose weight, my husband (who does the shopping) wouldn't buy better foods. He didn't see why I really needed to lose weight. He's helping me a little more now for two reasons:
1) I've had some scary health problems that seem to be weight-related. This is MY big motivation. Surprise, surprise, the man that loves me doesn't want me to die either! And...
2) I promised him that if I lose enough weight by his birthday...I'll wear a skirt.
He really, really wants me in a skirt, lol. And seeing HIM happy about the idea of dressing up for him makes ME want to do it that much more.
Motivation is a funny thing!0 -
I bought a step stool for my kitchen...one that I thought was small and convenient. One I hoped no-one would "borrow" or walk away! When I got home my husband pointed out that it was dangerous ( because the maximum weight was 200 lbs). I was mortified to think he knew I weighed that much!!! (As if I could hide it!!! ) That day was the day I decided to lose weight! I lost 25 lbs and he still worries about the ladder!!
I told him that it hurt my feelings and he laughed and said he never thought about the weight limit...he just thought it was a cheap ladder and worried it would break with anyone on it!!!0 -
As to your last question, your significant other should support you. My husband loves me no matter what. He loves all 200 lbs of me. He loved me when I was 50 lbs lighter. He'd love me if I was 50 lbs heavier. There is and always will be love, attraction, and support. That is how it should be.
He wants me to be healthier because he wants me to stick around until we are both very very old and surrounded by our great-grandchildren. Not everyone is as lucky as me to have someone this wonderful. I could not imagine settling for anything less, especially something based purely on physical attraction and thinness.
I feel really bad for people who started on this journey because of something hurtful someone else said. I don't think there is any place for that. It's better and more productive if getting healthy is based on loving yourself, not on hating your body.0 -
In my world positive reinforcement is much more beneficial than negative. Negativity just makes me want to give up, while the positivity helps me see things clearer
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Just reading the thread about the worst comments about your weight and it got me wondering. For those who said it's most hurtful from those closest to you, do you think that is perhaps something you need?
Whether you are trying to lose or gain weight if your husband/wife made an extremely critical comment, like 'I no longer find you attractive at that weight' or 'I no longer find you sexy'.... How many of you would argue that the person is an *kitten*?
Should a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend love you regardless of your weight? Or is there a limit? What if they still love you but at your weight, simply don't have that attraction any more?
Surely if all the little comments didn't work about your weight, and didn't make you change, the big one like those above, are necessary?
My thinking was, looking at the rude comments thread, a lot of people said they wanted to change their lives due to a comment that stuck with them, so perhaps those comments are needed?
And finally, if you don't agree with the above, how else would you like your significant other to approach this, or how would you approach it to your partner?
When I was much heavier then I am now, I had a massively low self esteem and depression. I knew I was fat, but I was just so depressed and hated myself that I didn't care about my body or health. I got loads of nasty comments - they never really helped. Actually, getting away from my Dad who criticised me endlessly was probably what helped me the most - that and finding a job I really liked and making a few friends. Just a few small factors helped my self esteem and made me care about myself again.0 -
im kinda different with this subject. to me its not (or wasnt) a big secret that i was overweight. so when someone commented (which hardly ever happened) it was the truth.
however, my husband never said to me he didnt find me attractive at my heaviest. if he did im sure it would hurt but i dont blame him. how is it that i made myself sick looking in the mirror and im supposed to think he thinks its HOT?
in my family we are very straight forward. we dont get our feelings hurt over truth. i mean its hard to hear but how can i get mad or upset with someone for telling me the truth?
I remember one story about a cousin of mine. her siblings were teasing her saying she's fat and she was crying to her dad and he said "well are you" and she responds with "yes" and he says " well then do something about it and quit crying".
if someone says they dont love you cause youre fat well they are a caca face. either you love someone or you dont.0 -
I definitely agree about wanting to lose weight which has to come from within and yes,"your feelings about your weight is the only one that counts." An I still encourage you to loss weight because it's our biggest enemy. Reason because all the health issues that come from being overweight. From a friend to a friend. Keep pushing.0
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I think your significant other should love you regardless of your weight, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't say anything.
(And I think it's different from other things - your weight can be controlled barring medical issues; losing hair, getting older with wrinkles and skin starts to age in other ways and things like that are natural and out of your control and should be accepted as aging gracefully).
To me, the bigger concern is health. Of course I don't think anyone who has been overweight should ever have such nasty things said to them as those in the other thread - that's just plain meanness. But, a loved one should be able to express *concern* about weight because weight absolutely affects health, and I think we should take care of ourselves FOR ourselves, but I also think it's kind of selfish not to think of our health for others as well - not just in terms of number of years of life, but how our health can affect the activities we do with others and whether they might have to take care of us earlier than otherwise, etc.
There were also a lot of comments about healthcare professionals. Some of the stories were outrageous - and if they were true *some* (not all) seemed like cases of malpractice. But, seems to me any healthcare professional should address weight at each visit, regardless of what that particular visit is about. Realistically, excessive weight is the cause of many issues, and unfortunately nowadays many patients and doctors only want to treat the symptoms. So, again, I don't endorse those cases where the healthcare provider seemed out of bounds, but I do think they should always address weight - in a professional manner. They should be there to help improve overall health, not just mask underlying issues.0 -
An ex boyfriend of mine - who was a surgeon - went off me when I gained weight due to tearing the ligaments at T6, 7 & 8! I went from running a marathon a week - as in 25 miles over 6 days - and teaching gymnastics and trampolining 4 times a week and teaching 3 aerobics classes a week. And I haven't included the 2 or 3 classes of aerobics I did for me! I was in a neck collar for 4.5 months and had physio for 8.5 months (I can't take anti-inflammatory medication)! I gained 5 stone in a year. I have battled over the last 10 years and am now winning the battle! Anyone who is that shallow does not deserve me! I may be single but I would rather be who I am than be living with or married to someone like that! I don't hate men but nor do I trust them! I still enjoy their company and have a couple of really close male friends! But I am doing this for me and no one else! No one but me defines me!0
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I'd think he wasn't the man I married. I don't find 80yo bald men attractive but someday if my hubby is 80 yrs old and bald I'll still love him and I'm sure I'll still find him attractive because I love him for who he is on the inside, not what he looks like on the outside.
When I met my husband he was 25, fit, with a thick head of dark brown hair. I was 19, thin, and pretty darn sexy if I do say so myself. Fast forward 22 years. I'm now 42 and fat. My hair is brown but only if I dye it. My breasts are no longer pointing upright. Hubby is 48 with silver hair that's starting to thin in the back. We've both put on about 100 lbs since we met. But when I look at him I don't see a fat man with thinning hair. I see the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles and hear the laugh that is infectous to those around him. I see a man who loves his family and would do anything for us. When I hug him my hands barely touch (both of our faults) but I'm still happier in his arms than anywhere else in the world.
He'd never tell me he was no longer attracted to me and vice versa. Anyone who bases their attraction to their spouse on looks isn't someone who ever really planned to be married forever in the first place and probably will end up cheating and/or divorced.
Now, if my DH wanted to motivate me he might say "Honey I'm really worried about your health. How about we start going on walks every evening? I want to keep you around as long as possible to enjoy being old together and unless we both lose weight that's just not going to happen.
Love this! I hope to be this way with my husband too. 17.5 years & we're still going strong!
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Honestly, if my partner said that he no longer loved because I had put on weight... I would feel like he never really loved me, he had only loved the packaging. it would open up so many dark spirals Of would he love me as i age, would he love me if I became debilitated for some other reason...
But I think a marriage should be a we vs. the world situation and not a him vs. me situation...
^This!
My husband put on 125 lbs after we married. I was already 100+ lbs overweight. His weight gain never once changed my love or attraction to him. I would hate to be in a marriage where any negative change to my body would cause my husband to not find me attractive anymore. What would happen if I lost a breast to cancer? Or what happens when the guy goes bald? Do you leave them because they aren't attractive anymore. That is a sad marriage in my opinion.
My husband and I have a we vs. the world and I wouldn't change it for anything! We call it circling the wagons. :happy:
Same here! When we met I was a 150 pound Sex Kitten with ample up top & on bottom with a tiny waist. He was fresh out of the USMC with the 210 pound body & ego that goes along with it. Almost 18 years later & with both of us have doubled our weight, yet we still love each other more everyday. Now we have decided to get healthy again & we can do it!
The person that compelled me to lose weight wasn't my wonderful husband, it was my Dad. I hadn't seen him in almost 2 years, (I live in Arizona and he lives in Missouri) He wasn't mean about it or anything. It was just the look on his face when he said "Sugar, maybe you should lose a bit of weight & get healthy so you don't end up like me." The look on his face was just utter sadness.
The next day I found MFP!0 -
It's better and more productive if getting healthy is based on loving yourself, not on hating your body.
This ^^^0 -
Negative comments make me lose my motivation. If someone tells me I need to lose weight in a hurtful way, I'm inclined to say "screw you! You don't control me" and purposely not try just to prove that they can't control me.
My husband loves me regardless of size (and prefers larger women). He's been incredibly supportive. I could not have lost 130lbs so far (lost 40lbs before starting MFP) without his support.
I thrive on encouraging words. I'm motivated by hearing people say they can see the difference in the way I look. THAT is motivation!0 -
I absolutely agree that love is non-conditional, and I would never stop loving someone because their appearance has changed.Love - Non conditional, and is not impacted by physical appearances other than the caring factor.
So, my wife and children and myself all care about each other, try to motivate and keep each other on track but we love eachother no matter what we look like.
Love, however, is a very different matter to lust. I cannot simply choose what makes me feel sexy.
Whether it is politically correct or not, I find fat men physically unattractive and there's nothing I can do about that.0 -
I've personally had the opposite from my partner. He says he doesn't like me thinner but for some reason that's given me the determination to do it more lol
ROFL :laugh:0 -
Negative comments make me lose my motivation. If someone tells me I need to lose weight in a hurtful way, I'm inclined to say "screw you! You don't control me" and purposely not try just to prove that they can't control me.
My husband loves me regardless of size (and prefers larger women). He's been incredibly supportive. I could not have lost 130lbs so far (lost 40lbs before starting MFP) without his support.
I thrive on encouraging words. I'm motivated by hearing people say they can see the difference in the way I look. THAT is motivation!
THATS RIGHT!!!!
My husband & I have been together for 15 yrs... I was 15... needless to say life, twins I gained weight... Almost 100 lbs. he has gained myabe 30 lbs... He is supportive of my weight lose.. I too say screw u 2 the nasty remarks... It's like piss I will stay fat just so u can't say I told u so.. lol :laugh:0 -
People are just loath to admit or face the truth.I absolutely agree that love is non-conditional, and I would never stop loving someone because their appearance has changed.
Love, however, is a very different matter to lust. I cannot simply choose what makes me feel sexy.
Whether it is politically correct or not, I find fat men physically unattractive and there's nothing I can do about that.
In some dream land our love just transcends physical beauty - :laugh: :laugh:
NOT!
Yes, one won't stop loving or caring, but if my wife got fat, that is the end of our sex life.
And I probably have a special place in my heart for her and care for her always as I remarried and moved on with my life.
Welcome to planet earth...0 -
People are just loath to admit or face the truth.I absolutely agree that love is non-conditional, and I would never stop loving someone because their appearance has changed.
Love, however, is a very different matter to lust. I cannot simply choose what makes me feel sexy.
Whether it is politically correct or not, I find fat men physically unattractive and there's nothing I can do about that.
In some dream land our love just transcends physical beauty - :laugh: :laugh:
NOT!
Yes, one won't stop loving or caring, but if my wife got fat, that is the end of our sex life.
And I probably have a special place in my heart for her and care for her always as I remarried and moved on with my life.
Welcome to planet earth...
Out of curiosity, what happens when your wife gets old? I mean wrinkly old - will the lack of physical attraction make you end things then? I am just curious, not having a go at you.
Not every man is like this by the way, my partner doesn't mind that I am chubby (and I got a lot larger than I am now with him), he wants me to be healthy and happy because that's what I want but he honestly doesn't mind.0 -
People are just loath to admit or face the truth.
In some dream land our love just transcends physical beauty - :laugh: :laugh:
NOT!
Yes, one won't stop loving or caring, but if my wife got fat, that is the end of our sex life.
And I probably have a special place in my heart for her and care for her always as I remarried and moved on with my life.
Welcome to planet earth...
Your truth does not = everyone's truth. My husband treated me no different at 245 lbs than he did when I was 150 lbs. He still made me feel sexy, wanted and most importantly, loved. When I started dating him, he was 129 lbs. He is now 197 lbs. I don't find him any less attractive either. We said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" and we meant it. Weight gain/loss is no reason for divorce.0
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