Hurtful comments about weight?

Demwitted

People are just loath to admit or face the truth.
In some dream land our love just transcends physical beauty - :laugh: :laugh:
NOT!
Yes, one won't stop loving or caring, but if my wife got fat, that is the end of our sex life.
And I probably have a special place in my heart for her and care for her always as I remarried and moved on with my life.

Welcome to planet earth...

Your truth does not = everyone's truth. My husband treated me no different at 245 lbs than he did when I was 150 lbs. He still made me feel sexy, wanted and most importantly, loved. When I started dating him, he was 129 lbs. He is now 197 lbs. I don't find him any less attractive either. We said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" and we meant it. Weight gain/loss is no reason for divorce.

I totally agree with this second poster here!

My weight makes absolutely no difference to my husband. I'm not deluded or living a fantasy.... although he is pretty amazing. It's truth. He wants me physically, imperfect body and all. He always has. I have every reason to believe he always will. If gaining weight is a reason for divorce, I can't believe you care that much about each other.

yoshi91610

Just reading the thread about the worst comments about your weight and it got me wondering. For those who said it's most hurtful from those closest to you, do you think that is perhaps something you need?
Whether you are trying to lose or gain weight if your husband/wife made an extremely critical comment, like 'I no longer find you attractive at that weight' or 'I no longer find you sexy'.... How many of you would argue that the person is an *kitten*?

Should a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend love you regardless of your weight? Or is there a limit? What if they still love you but at your weight, simply don't have that attraction any more?

Surely if all the little comments didn't work about your weight, and didn't make you change, the big one like those above, are necessary?

My thinking was, looking at the rude comments thread, a lot of people said they wanted to change their lives due to a comment that stuck with them, so perhaps those comments are needed?

And finally, if you don't agree with the above, how else would you like your significant other to approach this, or how would you approach it to your partner?

I think it might depend on the person. It absolutely drives me crazy that everyone acts like I am not overweight. No one wants to stand up and say, "I am worried about your health you need to lose weight." I think that if it comes from a caring place and it's not to "pick on you" or hurt you, that people should tell you how they feel. My husband and I where talking one night and after hours of just talking about where we are and life I asked him if he found me attractive. He didn't want to answer in a rude way or say something that would hurt me, but eventually he said "Babe, I love you, and I'm going to stick with you forever, but I think you have health issues because of your weight, and that brings you down, and it brings me down too. I think you are beautiful, but you don't want to take care of yourself." Sure it hurt, but in reality I needed to hear it. For him, it's not so much the weight I need to lose, but the fact that I am trying, and by trying I am more active and more full of life. I just feel better, and that makes him feel better.

Also ignoring that someone is endangering their lives because you don't want to talk to them about their weight is just enabling them and a lot like enabling a drug addict or alcoholic because you want to ignore the problem. When it comes from a caring place, from people ready and willing to help every step of the way then talking about being overweight should always happen.

hollyeverhart

I'd think he wasn't the man I married. I don't find 80yo bald men attractive but someday if my hubby is 80 yrs old and bald I'll still love him and I'm sure I'll still find him attractive because I love him for who he is on the inside, not what he looks like on the outside.

When I met my husband he was 25, fit, with a thick head of dark brown hair. I was 19, thin, and pretty darn sexy if I do say so myself. Fast forward 22 years. I'm now 42 and fat. My hair is brown but only if I dye it. My breasts are no longer pointing upright. Hubby is 48 with silver hair that's starting to thin in the back. We've both put on about 100 lbs since we met. But when I look at him I don't see a fat man with thinning hair. I see the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles and hear the laugh that is infectous to those around him. I see a man who loves his family and would do anything for us. When I hug him my hands barely touch (both of our faults) but I'm still happier in his arms than anywhere else in the world.

He'd never tell me he was no longer attracted to me and vice versa. Anyone who bases their attraction to their spouse on looks isn't someone who ever really planned to be married forever in the first place and probably will end up cheating and/or divorced.

Now, if my DH wanted to motivate me he might say "Honey I'm really worried about your health. How about we start going on walks every evening? I want to keep you around as long as possible to enjoy being old together and unless we both lose weight that's just not going to happen.

LOVE THIS^
That is how a marriage should be.

Crystal_Pistol

My hubby was always honest, and I appreciated it. I gained like 80lbs. He asked me if I would be cool if he gained 80lbs and and grew a gut. Honestly, I would not. The truth hurts sometimes, but I prefer truth over having smoke blown up my *kitten*. I'm just that kind of person though.

MaximalLife

I absolutely agree that love is non-conditional, and I would never stop loving someone because their appearance has changed.

Love, however, is a very different matter to lust. I cannot simply choose what makes me feel sexy.

Whether it is politically correct or not, I find fat men physically unattractive and there's nothing I can do about that.

People are just loath to admit or face the truth.
In some dream land our love just transcends physical beauty - :laugh: :laugh:
NOT!
Yes, one won't stop loving or caring, but if my wife got fat, that is the end of our sex life.
And I probably have a special place in my heart for her and care for her always as I remarried and moved on with my life.

Welcome to planet earth...

Out of curiosity, what happens when your wife gets old? I mean wrinkly old - will the lack of physical attraction make you end things then? I am just curious, not having a go at you.

Not every man is like this by the way, my partner doesn't mind that I am chubby (and I got a lot larger than I am now with him), he wants me to be healthy and happy because that's what I want but he honestly doesn't mind.

We're growing old together, and she's hot just as much as when we first met.

I would not have thought that at age 16, but pushing 50, she's a 10 to me and in peak physical condition, and that's after having 5 of my kids. But obesity is a game changer for us both.

And I suspect some folks are not being honest. I mean the porn industry thrives on unsatisfied married guys who peep at dirty pictures, then bring flowers home to the little woman who's living in lah lah land.

It's nice having the real thing, because I prefer experience over fantasy. That's one major motivator to be fit.

Crystal_Pistol

Love and physical attraction are 2 different things. I personally can't force myself to become attracted sexually to something that doesn't "do it" for me. My hubby and I love each other dearly, we are BEST FRIENDS. That wouldn't change. A commitment to health is a true testament of love- we want to be around for a long time for each other.

I personally like that we have a very active sex life and don't want to be one of those couples who have obligatory sex once a year. I wanna always be so hot for him (and vice versa) that we are getting it in regularly. Actual physical attraction is a part of that.

Crystal_Pistol

I would not have thought that at age 16, but pushing 50, she's a 10 to me and in peak physical condition, and that's after having 5 of my kids. But obesity is a game changer for us both.

And I suspect some folks are not being honest. I mean the porn industry thrives on unsatisfied married guys who peep at dirty pictures, then bring flowers home to the little woman who's living in lah lah land.

It's nice having the real thing, because I prefer experience over fantasy. That's one major motivator to be fit.

^^^ This. My husband are honest with each other, and honestly, neither of us find obesity attractive. He has remained in great shape and I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I'm fixing it.

servilia

Hmm this is a tough topic. To preface, I was not horrendously overweight when I started on here. But I was about 25lbs more than when I met my husband and I think it did affect his attraction. He never said THAT outright but I noticed him encouraging me to go back to the gym like before.. I really can't blame people if the physical attraction is affected. As someone mentioned, it's largely instinctual.. Of course we all age.. but overall I think we owe it to each other and our relationship to try to be the best person we can be physically and in all other ways. I did this to make myself happy but I'd be lying if I said that his attention didn't have something to do with it too. I want him to want me and to be proud of me when we go out. It's a two way street, I should mention. He also tries his best to be as attractive to me as in the beginning.

PrettyLydie

I've left two relationships due to the guy putting on weight. The way I see it, is I put forth the effort to be attractive. I exercise, I watch what I eat, I wear make-up. It is not easy to be hot, especially after two kids, but I am. Part of the reason (not all, of course) I do these things is so that my significant other can be proud to show me off to their friends, I mean, who doesn't want to be the guy with the "hot girlfriend"? I wouldn't want my significant other to be ashamed to take me out, or show me off. So, in return, I expect the same, don't get sloppy on me, I feel like that's disrespectful. My boyfriend who I'm with now was one of these guys. After I broke up with him, he started working out again, and lost the weight, I really did love him, and vice versa, so we got back together. We've since had a child together, moved in with each other, and are very happy. We work out together everyday, and eat healthy. Sorry, but part of a healthy relationship is sex, and if you're not sexually attracted to someone, well, it won't work. You can love them all you want, but if you can't screw them without wanting to vomit, it's over.

Not everyone thinks like this, not everyone is this superficial, but I am, and there are other people out there who are too. It doesn't make them an *kitten*, just wired differently.

jenny95662

Honestly, if my partner said that he no longer loved because I had put on weight... I would feel like he never really loved me, he had only loved the packaging. it would open up so many dark spirals Of would he love me as i age, would he love me if I became debilitated for some other reason...

But I think a marriage should be a we vs. the world situation and not a him vs. me situation...

^This!

My husband put on 125 lbs after we married. I was already 100+ lbs overweight. His weight gain never once changed my love or attraction to him. I would hate to be in a marriage where any negative change to my body would cause my husband to not find me attractive anymore. What would happen if I lost a breast to cancer? Or what happens when the guy goes bald? Do you leave them because they aren't attractive anymore. That is a sad marriage in my opinion.

My husband and I have a we vs. the world and I wouldn't change it for anything! We call it circling the wagons. :happy:

i agree with this, my husband went bald and he is young he hates it but i dont care because i love him! i put on weight due to pregnancy and my dad passing he still loves me but i am losing cause i need to for me and to be around for my family.

HonkyTonks

I would not have thought that at age 16, but pushing 50, she's a 10 to me and in peak physical condition, and that's after having 5 of my kids. But obesity is a game changer for us both.

And I suspect some folks are not being honest. I mean the porn industry thrives on unsatisfied married guys who peep at dirty pictures, then bring flowers home to the little woman who's living in lah lah land.

It's nice having the real thing, because I prefer experience over fantasy. That's one major motivator to be fit.

^^^ This. My husband are honest with each other, and honestly, neither of us find obesity attractive. He has remained in great shape and I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I'm fixing it.

True, and fair enough for you, but my partner and I are also honest with each other, and I know he doesn't mind. He prefers chubby (NOT overweight) looking girls to slender, I have seen the women he checks out and they are not slim/fit (I am not the jealous type, so I know what dirty pictures he has on his computer), so that's probably why he's not fussed about my weight. Everyone is different, but I think some people are more bothered by it than others and it's not just that they're not being honest with each other.

TourThePast

I absolutely agree that love is non-conditional, and I would never stop loving someone because their appearance has changed.

Love, however, is a very different matter to lust. I cannot simply choose what makes me feel sexy.

Whether it is politically correct or not, I find fat men physically unattractive and there's nothing I can do about that.

People are just loath to admit or face the truth.
In some dream land our love just transcends physical beauty - :laugh: :laugh:
NOT!
Yes, one won't stop loving or caring, but if my wife got fat, that is the end of our sex life.
And I probably have a special place in my heart for her and care for her always as I remarried and moved on with my life.

Welcome to planet earth...

Out of curiosity, what happens when your wife gets old? I mean wrinkly old - will the lack of physical attraction make you end things then? I am just curious, not having a go at you.

The way I see it, there's ageing, which will happen to us all, and there's not having the self respect to care about your health and appearance. I want someone who cares about their body, and who wants to stay sexy and who is also prepared to put a bit of effort into having as active and healthy old age as is possible.

A few wrinkles never killed anyone.

Bahet

My husband would prefer me to be thinner. I would prefer him to be thinner. We would find each other more physically attractive that way. But we're not so shallow as to say "If you don't lose weight the past 22 years, our kids, our life, our plans for the future, all the love and fun we've shared, etc doesn't matter. I'm going to dump you for someone hot." I'd dump him for being an *kitten* and wouldn't have married him in the first place if he were that shallow. That's not love. If it is then I love Matthew McConaughey and that kid from Twilight. For all I know he's an *kitten* in real life. But that wouldn't matter because he's physically fit. Lust is with the eyes. Love is with the mind and the soul.

My grandparents were married for almost 60 years. When I was a kid grandma was one of those beautiful people. Her hair was always done. She always looked ready to walk into a room full of Hollywood stars. She was a tiny thing but had a huge presence. She was beautiful. She still turned heads when she was 70. When she was 72 she had a stroke and brain surgery. She recovered and was able to walk again but she never really spoke well. Her hair never really grew back. She drooled. She leaned a bit to the left. She got osteoporosis and combined with the muscle damage from the stroke she ended up very hunched over. She was no longer beautiful. But grandpa still looked at her exactly the same way. His whole face lit up when she walked into the room. He saw the woman he loved. He saw her through the eyes of someone who felt a deeper connection than the trivial outside appearances.

Yes, the porn industry is all about looks. It's about the looks of 18-25yo women. I'm not a 25yo. I haven't been for nearly 20 years. Even if I lost all the weight I wouldn't look like that. I don't have breast implants. I have a few stretch marks (having an 11 lb baby will do that), I have laugh lines when I smile. If that's what everyone is supposed to live up to at all times or risk losing their spouse then the divorce rate would be higher for 50yos than it is for 25yos. But it isn't. Because most people mature as they get older. Most people realize that lust isn't forever. Most people realize that love has absolutely nothing to do with looks. If it did no one would love anyone over the age of 60.

TourThePast

My husband would prefer me to be thinner. I would prefer him to be thinner. We would find each other more physically attractive that way. But we're not so shallow as to say "If you don't lose weight the past 22 years, our kids, our life, our plans for the future, all the love and fun we've shared, etc doesn't matter. I'm going to dump you for someone hot."

It would be crazy to leave a partner that I shared that sort of life long connection with just because he got fat.

But nevertheless it would be hard to respect someone who had so little self respect that he became physically repulsive to me. I'm not talking about him losing his six pack, I'm not that shallow, I'm talking about having a belly so big that he can't find his penis. Bleurgh. Sorry, can't and won't have sex with that. For those who can, well done.

ShapeUpSidney

i agree with this, my husband went bald and he is young he hates it but i dont care because i love him! i put on weight due to pregnancy and my dad passing he still loves me but i am losing cause i need to for me and to be around for my family.

Not to sound shallow, but if your husband is bald (and hates it) he could try propecia. My friend tried it and it was super successful. You'd never know he had a receding hairline. Amazing, really.

Just some food for thought.

Myslissa

My grandparents were married for almost 60 years. When I was a kid grandma was one of those beautiful people. Her hair was always done. She always looked ready to walk into a room full of Hollywood stars. She was a tiny thing but had a huge presence. She was beautiful. She still turned heads when she was 70. When she was 72 she had a stroke and brain surgery. She recovered and was able to walk again but she never really spoke well. Her hair never really grew back. She drooled. She leaned a bit to the left. She got osteoporosis and combined with the muscle damage from the stroke she ended up very hunched over. She was no longer beautiful. But grandpa still looked at her exactly the same way. His whole face lit up when she walked into the room. He saw the woman he loved. He saw her through the eyes of someone who felt a deeper connection than the trivial outside appearances.

This is what it is all about...... True LOVE!

This made me cry!

onefitdiva

I have come to realize my husband can be an a**. When I was overweight he would poke me in the belly when I would eat something and tell me something like "be careful there", then when I was losing weight I was not losing fast enough and my fitness program was not working. Then I lost the weight toned up got a nice shape and he said "I really don't see a change, you still have a lot to work on"....while other people compliment the tone esp. in my abs (when in a bikini) and legs......he pokes me in the lowerback and says "I guess P90X doesn't work there". Now all that said he has become noticibly jealous of the attention I get for the transormation, he is always negative whenever I get a compliment often right in front of the person giving the compliment. He is also out of shape himself so I think that comes into play too. I dunno, apparently he will never be happy no matter what I look like. I have actually learned not to care and let it ge to me.

njean888

I absolutely agree that love is non-conditional, and I would never stop loving someone because their appearance has changed.

Love, however, is a very different matter to lust. I cannot simply choose what makes me feel sexy.

Whether it is politically correct or not, I find fat men physically unattractive and there's nothing I can do about that.

People are just loath to admit or face the truth.
In some dream land our love just transcends physical beauty - :laugh: :laugh:
NOT!
Yes, one won't stop loving or caring, but if my wife got fat, that is the end of our sex life.
And I probably have a special place in my heart for her and care for her always as I remarried and moved on with my life.

Welcome to planet earth...

I could not agree more!!!!!! Clearly a married couple will age and injuries may occur. However it is inconsiderate when one partner lets them self go while the other remains the same even after 10 years and two pregnancies.

Gwenski

My husband is blind and so really doesn't care what I look like.. BUT he does say that I'm not very appealing if I'm miserable about my weight (or anything else for that matter). Now that I'm beginning to lose, I wish he could see to encourage me, but it just reinforces that it needs to come from within What does spur me on is that there are physical "marital" advantages to me loosing at least 50 pound that I'm looking forward to again - and will please him too, I'm sure :-)

judykritikos

Frankly, I think when someone you love tells you that you're over weight, not attractive, etc., they're telling you the truth. DO something about it. If you think you can gain 50-60-100 lbs and someone is going to feel the same, you're fooling yourself. True, men may love women with meat on their bones, and typiclly men do - yet you can't use that to go hog-wild and get youself in such a state that you are completely unhealthy and unappealing.
My husband couldnt' care less if I lost these 20-30 lbs. I'm glad he feels that way, and my wt loss wasn't for HIM - it was for me.
I want to have more energy, I don't like the fat rolls, i don't like being out of breath when I take a hike.
If you've had children and gained a lot of weight - fine, it's part of how God made our bodies, to carry and protect the babies. Once you've had those children, you owe it to YOURSELF and to your spouse to get yourself in good condition. I'm NOT talking size 2. I'm talking healthy, not obese. Able to take care of those kids, the house, have fun, take walks, w/o being out of breath and panting after climbing a flight of stairs.
As we age, the bodies of men and women change. Yet, I've seen HUNDREDS of 70-80 yr olds who are fit and health. I've seen lots more who are, truthfully, obense. To me, it says they have let themselves go. They're "fat and happy" together. If you're not suffering from some physical ailments or conditions, I think you owe it to yourself, to your partner and to God to take the best care of your body that you can. That means not abusing it.
Lastly - if your family spews hatred and vile about your being fat - that is UNEXCUSABLE. It is rude and hurtful. It's a weapon, and you've given them the power to use it. However, when someone you love really loves you enough to tell you that your weight is affecting their physical attraction to you - listen to those words. if you love them - why wouldn't you want to be the best you can be? You can't be pissed at them for telling you that they're losing their attractiveness to you - when you're telling them: I don't care what I look like, so being a fat slob is ok for me, and you have to love me anyway. Sorry folks - that's just as screwed up.
Funny - when your special someone leaves you - dies, moves away, or walks away - we all find that losing weight and getting in shape is suddenly a priority. Why don't you make it a priority before they go?
And for the men - you need to lose the weight and keep yourself trim, healthy, and keep your ticker in good working order. Women are not attacted to your fat hairy bodies any more than you're attracted to theirs. I've had 2 friends die NEEDLESSLY. They KNEW their cholesterol was high, they KNEW they needed to lose weight - their Dr's told them, but they didn't. Now their wives are widows. I find that selfish and needless infliction of pain.