Hurtful comments about weight?

kimmie185

My significant other never made comments about my weight, if loved me when I was fat and still loves me today. The only thing that bothered him was that if I lost weight I would think I was too good for him and leave him which is not true!

The most hurtful thing someone told me and got me motivated was from my 5 year old daughter. She told me bluntly that I was a big fat momma! When I asked her where she heard that she said all her friends tell her so and she was embarrased. I did cry and decided I did not want to be the big fat momma and I no longer am.


It sucks when people talk smack about you, but sometimes it's the kick in the pants we need to get into shape and better our lives.

theoneandonlybrookie

Hmm. I'm torn on this one. I think it depends on what a person considers to be "hurtful."

No one's partner or friend or family should make *mean* comments about weight. It is unnecessary and very unhelpful and, if it continues or happens repeatedly, a form of emotional abuse.

However, I really appreciated when one of my friends, a year after I had my friends, told me that she hoped I would lose the rest of my baby weight because I was much more fun, active and happy person when I was fit.

As for the lust / sex / attraction thing...

I think that sex in long term relationships can and should be super hot and sexy but it is less about physical attraction, like you feel when you first meet the person and you can't get enough of them, and more about expressing real love for each other. That's why married / partner sex is so great - you can feel comfortable enough to completely let go and not worry so much about impressing.

SLaw4215

I am a 42 year old grown woman now and there is an event from my youth that has stuck with me more than 25 years. As a young child I was a competative gymnast and dancer. I was strong and fit but had big thighs for a 10 year old. My body was shaped just like my dad's. Around the time I was hitting puberty my family moved and I had to give up my tumbling/dancing lifestyle. A couple years passed before I started highschool where I earned varsity letters in 5 different sports. I was athletic and in good health and by most people's standards I was also obese. By the time I was a junior in high school I was 218. I worked hard following Weight Watchers and dropped about 65 pounds. During my senior year I had gotten down to about 170 pounds (size 7 pants). I was still quite a big larger than the majority of the girls I went to school with but I had poor self esteem. One day I called my dad for a ride home after softball practice because it had started to sprinkle rain and he said he couldn't come and get me so I began to walk home the 2+ miles. My younger sister had called after me for the same reason and he must have had a change of heart and went and picke her up. As I walked home I noticed my dad and younger sister drive past me heading in the direction of our house. Even if he didn't see me I know my sister saw me because we had made eye contact. When I confronted him he said he didn't pick me up because I needed the exercise. I, WHO HAD JUST PLAYED SOFTBALL AND RAN MILES AS REQUIRED DURING PRACTICE, WHO HAD THE SELF CONTROL TO LOSE 65 POUNDS....NEEDED THE EXERCISE while my younger, skinny sister-- who never had to work a day in her life to be that way.... got picked up and driven home. I WAS SO HEART BROKEN that my own father had done that to me that it affected our relationship (even after his passing). He was supposed to love me unconditionally...and that includes being overweight. Now, I know my dad loves/d me and it was just a case of poor judgement on his part. THAT instance did not motivate me to try and lose weight in a healthy way...it made me desperate...and I tried all sorts of "fast" fixes....Dexatrim with Vivarin and Diet Coke... living on 2 saltine crackers a day... until I finally made myself so sick I had to have my gall bladder removed.

There are people in my life who can talk to me about my health... my doctor, my family, but it must be done in a productive and non-judgemental way or I'm not going to respond positively...

judykritikos

I think your husband's comments are passive-aggressive. He won't come out and say anything overtly mean - but he is hurting you. Intentionally. He's either hiding something, or he really has anger towards you. From my perspective - this man will either leave you and blame you - or you'll tire of him and leave him becuase you've had enough of his stabbing you verbally.
When someone is really trying to get in shape - the partner should be affirming and supportive. I wouldn't be surprised if he brings home stuff to sabotage your efforts. What a small person he is. STAY YOUR COURSE! You'll look better and better and that is it's own best revenge!

Nicoleo1

My husband once told me, in the heat of the moment -during an arguement that he wasn't attracted to me any more. It was years ago and it still hurts. Not too long ago I was depressed and weepy (PMS), he asked what was wrong, so I said, "I'm fat and I'm ugly and I'm stupid." His response was, "You're not stupid." He may as well have kicked me. Sure I guess I asked for it, but I doubt I'll forget that he said it.
My point is that years ago when he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore it didn't make me lose weight, and that was just about the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. I have forgiven... but I don't know if I can forget.
Now I wonder what will happen when I reach my goal but he hasn't started or recognized that he needs to start...

TheRoadDog

I'm sure people make comments about my weight. They don't make them to my face, though. I'm fine with that.

tlsegar

Mean and hurtful comments motivate me... to keep right on eating.

I don't respond very well to negative communication. Even as a child, when I was scolded or yelled at, my first reaction was to shutdown emotionally. That's why I am not fond of aggressive personal trainers. Yelling and screaming at me is not making me want to work harder. It makes me want to slap you.. and then go have a bowl of ice cream.

It's no secret that my weight has been an issue and my family hasn't shied away from addressing it. But it's always come from a place of love and support and genuine concern for my health. I can appreciate that. I know they are not judging me. My mother has been the most supportive and has bent over backwards to encourage me on this journey and do whatever she can to help me stay motivated. But I can assure you that if my family chose to "motivate" me by being mean or cruel, I would not have very much to do with them.

As for married couples, I can't imagine that I would ever choose to marry someone so shallow that they would no longer find me attractive if I put on weight. That is going to have to be a serious conversation before it's official. If my future husband won't be able to handle a possible weight gain or any other change in physical appearance, it would be best for us to continue to our search for a more suitable mate. I just feel that when you commit to someone, it's supposed to transcend all surface stuff. I mean if he would leave me because I gained weight, what would stop him from leaving if I were in a horrible accident and became paralyzed or lost a limb? Perhaps I'm being naive or too idealistic, but that's how I feel.

TheDoctor90

Thanks for all the replies. I think quite a few people are interchanging 'love' with 'attraction'. Is someone really that shallow if they no longer find you attractive if your weight has changed significantly? I can't think of an example to compare with...But they still love you, just no longer find you sexually stimulating...Is that *kitten* behaviour? Or is it completely natural?

Surely even within strong marriages there are times when you've thought to yourself your partner is looking ugly and at that moment, wouldn't find them attractive? What happens if that is all the time...

atiffany1

I tend to agree with you, I haven't reached the point where I was extremely overweight or anything but i gained about 18 lbs. and my fiance was like I love your curves, i love your legs and your butt and your girls.. i just think you should start to exersize because you are starting to get stuff around your middle too... Maybe someone else would find that comment as a jerkish thing to say, I don't it made me realize that I had put on some pounds and that he stays very physically fit, and the first thing I said to myself when I saw him is that is such a sexy latin man!!! I would rather keep him that way, so if he started to slip I would say something too. We are all attracted to certain things and here and there we will give a little, but come on there is no way that if I gained a lot of weight I would be offended or suprised if he said something. I guess my opinion is we all eventually get old and our looks change but why not as a couple please each other, try to keep the relationship hot and going as long as possible? If he can keep himself sexy and healthy and he is 15 years older than me you bet your *kitten* I'm going to bust mine to do the same... I mean really he only said what I was thinking anyway. That doesnt mean he doesnt love me, it just means I was letting myself slip and he told me before it went too far.

tlsegar

Thanks for all the replies. I think quite a few people are interchanging 'love' with 'attraction'. Is someone really that shallow if they no longer find you attractive if your weight has changed significantly? I can't think of an example to compare with...But they still love you, just no longer find you sexually stimulating...Is that *kitten* behaviour? Or is it completely natural?

Surely even within strong marriages there are times when you've thought to yourself your partner is looking ugly and at that moment, wouldn't find them attractive? What happens if that is all the time...

Personally, for me, looks make up only part of the attraction. If someone is nice to look at, that's great. But they have to have other qualities to hold my attention. I've known more than a few men that I thought were super fine just at first glance. Then when I got to know them and heard some of the crap that came out of their mouth and saw just how horrible of a personality they had, they were no longer attractive to me even in the slightest. On the flip side, I've known men that may have been so-so or okay in the looks department, but they were GOOD men. Intelligent, hard working, honest, kind, respectful - that is attractive to me. I'll take an overweight man who is an intelligent, respectful, good provider any day over a chiseled six pack physique who is rude, lazy, obnoxious, and can't keep up with a single episode of jeopardy.

Again, that's just me.

blackcat103112

I made the mistake of being with a man who did nothing but "worry" about me going to the gym, dieting, etc. He made me feel worthless, as if being thin was the only way I was allowed to live. I was with that man, who in public would check to see if anyone was looking before he would touch me. Who walked 2 feet in front of me at all times. Who belittled me while shopping for food. His comments were said always to "Help me" or to "Inspire me" to lose weight. But in fact, It made me eat and gain more. Now, 2 years later I am with a real man. A man who loves me for my brain, my heart, my soul, AND my body. He does not care if I gain or lose. We want to have a baby, and I told him in order to do this, I would like to lose weight to be healthier, and to gain healthier habbits before I gain all that baby weight. He said he agreed that it would indeed be healthier if I did, and supports my choices to do so. He too is on myfitnesspal with me, to trim up a bit and most importantly- supporting me. I have found someone who "Inspires" me to lose weight so I can spend as much time on this Earth, in this body with him and our children....

TheFitHooker

The comment from my husband was said out of pure selfishness. I was already asking him to get help for this weight issue, and instead of agreeing to it, he called me a few names that were very hurtful. I don't believe it helped me at all. What helped me was learning what I was doing wrong and correcting it. Learning that I don't just want to diet, by watching what I ate, but by living healthier. My husband's comments hurt bad, and they still hurt when I think of them.

I honestly believe if a man can fall in love with a woman and vise versa, it is in love with more then just her looks. If a man can't take me at my worse, then he don't deserve me at my best and yes I believe that with all my heart. There are things about my husband that I don't care for and that I'm not attracted to, that he did not have when I met him or when we got married, but I consider it, his worse. It has not made me any less in love with him. For instants, he had teeth problems during our marriage and had a few of his front teeth removed, this income tax he'll have a partial denture put in, he had a full mouth of teeth when we got married. I'm not attracted to it, but ya know, I married him for better or worse. He has put on a lot of weight himself, I'm not attracted to it, but again I love him for more then his appearance. There is more to me then my appearance and there is more to him then his.

sinobaako82

my husband tells me he's fine with the way i am but if it bothers me maybe i should do something..

westcoastSW

But I think a marriage should be a we vs. the world situation and not a him vs. me situation...

Love this

sinobaako82

One bad thing too about people just telling you "you look fine" is don't realize how much weight you've gained. i felt the same when i looked at my pictures back when i was 175 -- i can't believe people were telling me i looked okay. now i have come to realize i should trust the scale and tape measure more than their words.

BanjoKd

I pity the fool who calls me fat...period end of story.

elenathegreat

I really had to think this one over before posting. Hurtful comments can be the worst from someone who is closest to us, and these people(friends, family, sig. others) are often the ones who say the worst things...things they would not say to a stranger or a casual aquaintance. I guess that's because a very close relationship involves such an intense emotional involvement, and we hold a definite power over eachother. Think about what you say to others you love the most and why you are saying something judgemental or cruel. When someone close to you hurts you, find a quiet, stress-free time to talk and explain how that makes you feel...
I didn't realize how lucky I am to be married to such a wonderful person...not perfect by any means--we have our blowouts...but I feel that he is truly my best friend and dearest love. I cannot ever imagine not loving him...we've been together over 25 years:)

Demwitted

Thanks for all the replies. I think quite a few people are interchanging 'love' with 'attraction'. Is someone really that shallow if they no longer find you attractive if your weight has changed significantly? I can't think of an example to compare with...But they still love you, just no longer find you sexually stimulating...Is that *kitten* behaviour? Or is it completely natural?

Surely even within strong marriages there are times when you've thought to yourself your partner is looking ugly and at that moment, wouldn't find them attractive? What happens if that is all the time...

I was not interchanging them... I mean love and attraction. My husband loves me and WANTS me. He can't get enough of me. I have put on probably about 70 lbs since we started dating. He has probably only gained around 20 over the last 11 years, and he was way fit in high school when we met. He is still pretty fit and super sexy.... but now he has the tiniest pooch and that's sexy too. I love his body and he loves mine. He has always wanted me. He has never told me I was ugly or fat. He tells me I'm cute and hot daily and beautiful at least weekly. He supports my decision to work on healthier living because he wants me to live longer and continue having frequent and excellent sex with him.

It might not be "*kitten* behavior" to no longer be attracted to your spouse because they put on weight, but I still can't believe you have a very strong marriage if that will break it. Some responses make it sound like an ultimatum: "Lose weight five minutes ago, or lose me." I think that's pretty terrible and kind of sad. I think it's pretty shallow.

Here's a thought:
Could it be that the lessening attraction is a response to the person who has gained weight and their own body image? If you hate yourself and your body, I doubt you'd be very sexy to anyone else.

lilmizzbloodymary

I've developed a thick skin thanks to always being overweight. But I really did get sick of hearing "you're pretty but... if you'd lose some weight." ugh.

In a way, I guess I did need to hear it, but in the end it's not really the comments that spur on the weight loss, it's just the desire to be better. My kids are getting older and it's getting harder to say, "eat right" when I don't.

But, the ones that hurt most were always from my brother. But I think he meant well, but didn't really know how to express it properly. Now he's a bit more subtle by emailing/texting me little health tidbits about weight and such. I like his new approach much better.