Who to make happy: Boyfriend vs Best Friend

Maidei

So one of my best friends is turning 22 today. I have never been there to celebrate a birthday with her since we've been close friends (5yrs). And today she asked me to go out with her and some friends to a bar to celebrate. She has been begging me to go so I'm on a major guilt trip right now. She has always put herself in uncomfortable positions for me so I feel like I owe her one. Reason being I have never been to a bar, I don't drink or party etc. Not my scene and have no desire to be in such places. But I feel obligated to go so I make her happy.
On the other hand my boyfriend is dead set against the idea. It's not a trust issue, but more of a "I don't want you in that kind of environment surrounded by drunks and you never know what can happen etc" issue. And I wanna make him happy too.
So I'm torn, do I make my friend happy? Or Please my boyfriend?

garn1232

um, why can't you be in that environment? It isn't like the movies. I don't drink, smoke and I have to go to those places when people come in town for business and I come out ok.

ajbeans

I'm thinking you should do what makes YOU happy. If you don't feel comfortable at a bar, perhaps suggest going to a movie with your friend to celebrate this weekend, or something else that you will both enjoy. Or if you want to go, tell your boyfriend it's not up to him, that you'll take care of yourself and call him if you need him.

Maidei

It's a matter of faith and the culture I grew up in. I'm Zimbabwean and was raised in a strict household so the whole drinking, smoking, partying thing was always a no no, especially for a female child. So I feel like I am betraying a lot by going. But at the same time I believe what you are saying and really think I'll be okay. But my own internal will against it, plus my boyfriend make it difficult to just go

garn1232

I am mormon and was raised in a strict household as well. I have not been much, and have never smoke, nor drank in my life. What religion do you practice?

Carl01

I'm thinking you should do what makes YOU happy. If you don't feel comfortable at a bar, perhaps suggest going to a movie with your friend to celebrate this weekend, or something else that you will both enjoy. Or if you want to go, tell your boyfriend it's not up to him, that you'll take care of yourself and call him if you need him.

^ ^ this^ ^

xLaurenex

Sisters before misters, sounds cheesy but if she bends over backwards for you then you should defo go, especially as it is her birthday.
Hope this helps, x

YukonJoy

That is idiotic.

heresmyinsidevoice

Or you could kill two birds with one stone so to speak - offer to take him with you. Even if you go to a bar, it doesn't mean you have to drink. I don't drink at all and when I go to a bar, I order a water or juice or whatever, it's still fun if you're with friends.
After you ask him if he wants to go, if he still says no, then tell him about your friend's event and how important it is to you to be there for her, and just GO. Have fun. If your boyfriend still has his nose out of joint, tell him that he must have chose you for good reason and have trust that you have good judgement.

kat65

This is tough. Do what you feel is best to do regarding your friend. On the flip side, you can always take her out to eat to celebrate. If she is a true friend, she will accept that you don't want to go to a bar.

I guess the best question to ask is, does she have other friends to go with her? If she is alone, and wants to go to the bar, perhaps you can meet her in the middle and go for just an hour or so (your boyfriend can go along too).

anshaw03

I agree with making yourself happy but at the same time, a good friendship is very hard to find. I'll admit I've let friendships slip because I chose to make my bf happy at the time...and guess who is still around? Hint: It's not him.

But like others have said, there's no reason why you should feel guilty about going. Get yourself a water, sit down, and watch other people make a fool of themselves-I do. I DD for friends a lot as well as have lots of friends who are smokers-I just choose not to partake. Best of luck!!!

sara_m83

Your boyfriend should have no say over where you go or what you do. This sounds controlling to me. There's no good reason for you NOT to help your friend celebrate her birthday.

mama_to_1

if it was me personally, i would do what I wanted to do. and in that situation (since i am not a drinker/partier either) i think i would go with my best friend for an hour or so, maybe ask her if i can take her to dinner before hand so i won't feel guilty leaving the bar super early. buy her a drink or two and then tell her you have to leave. as far as my boyfriend, i would tell him that i am an adult and could take care of myself.

but if it is against your beliefs to go, i would tell your best friend that. she should understand and if she doesnt, then she isn't a friend to begin with.

slinkymalinki

You could always go for an hour or so, that way she can see you've made the effort, but you wouldn't have to drink, or if it's early-ish in the night, you wouldn't be out late enough to be around all the drunks:')
Though if you in yourself feel uncomfortable with it, make sure you let your friend know, and suggest something else you could do together?xo

Amber82479

My personal opinion... If you drive yourself there and back and you're not drinking, there isn't any reason for you not to go if you want to be there to celebrate your friends birthday. You can leave if you feel uncomfortable and you'll be sober to drive. Sounds like your boyfriend might be using the drinking and bar environment as an excuse, but since I don't know him, that's just a guess. Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do. If you feel you should go to support your friend, then go.

cobracars

Ask your friend to respect your culture and tell her you would love to celebrate with her at another time when you wont' be around the drinking etc.

sunflower_yogi

your boyfriend should trust you and the decisions you make....it's not up to him to control the envrironment in which you wish to surround yourself in (even if you would rather be some place else). he should respect the fact that it's your BF's bday.

seriously, if he has a problem with you going, the problem, from what it sounds like is Him.

sbb4406

I second the suggestion to bring him with you. If he doesn't want to go or your friend doesn't want him to go, then just do whatever *you* want to do. If you're uncomfortable going to a bar because of how you were raised, explain it to your friend and offer up an alternative (going out to dinner, a movie, whatever.) If you think you can handle going there, then don't worry about your boyfriend. I think not going would upset your friend more than going would upset your boyfriend, and either way it's not really fair of him to ask you not to go to something like that.

PanteraGirl

It's a matter of faith and the culture I grew up in. I'm Zimbabwean and was raised in a strict household so the whole drinking, smoking, partying thing was always a no no, especially for a female child. So I feel like I am betraying a lot by going. But at the same time I believe what you are saying and really think I'll be okay. But my own internal will against it, plus my boyfriend make it difficult to just go

If its a matter of your own internal will that you feel you are betraying....then don't go....however I would personally leave your boyfriends feeling s out of it......He has no right to make it difficult for you to do what you want to do......Do it for yourself....If you feel that you want to go, then you could always go for a short time and make and appearance, then excuse your self to leave.

I understand that your boyfriends and friends opinion both matter to you but it is ultimately your decision you are making for you....you should never do something to please anyone....not your boyfriend...or you friend....only you!!

Please yourself darlin.....Good luck with your decision...I hope everything works out for you!

kat65

My ex sister-in-law was raised Southern Baptist, and she felt weird going to bars and dancing when she was older. As a result, she rarely went to bars. So, I can understand where you are coming from. Do what you feel most comfortable doing.

Ireshgurl

Maybe (if you haven't already) you should explain to your best friend why you don't want to go. If she's your best friend then she should understand your upbringing and values. I know I wouldn't want to drag my best friend somewhere that she'd be so uncomfortable that she wouldn't enjoy herself.

Mrs_ALM

I'm thinking you should do what makes YOU happy. If you don't feel comfortable at a bar, perhaps suggest going to a movie with your friend to celebrate this weekend, or something else that you will both enjoy. Or if you want to go, tell your boyfriend it's not up to him, that you'll take care of yourself and call him if you need him.

^this. First of all, he's just a boyfriend. Someone who may or may not be there in the future as well as the best friend. YOU should be happy before anyone else. Don't regret something 5 years down the road because you did or didn't do something.

Believe me...I've had a 10 year relationship as well as a 20 year friendship go down the drain and limited myself in both situations wishing I would have stuck to what made me happy first. I am also a recovering alcoholic and my TRUE friends understand what makes me uncomfortable about drinking situations.

WifeNMama

If you yourself are opposed to the idea, then decline but offer a fun option, and insist on treating her to whatever you're doing, and other guests can pay their own way as at a bar. Or look up the bar's reputation, if it seems clean and safe, with good staff, then it could be fun. Or go to a karaoke night. Those who want to can drink, those who don't can still have ridiculous fun.

Helenatrandom

It's a matter of faith and the culture I grew up in. I'm Zimbabwean and was raised in a strict household so the whole drinking, smoking, partying thing was always a no no, especially for a female child. So I feel like I am betraying a lot by going. But at the same time I believe what you are saying and really think I'll be okay. But my own internal will against it, plus my boyfriend make it difficult to just go

I would never suggest someone go against their faith. (Their boyfriend, YES, their faith, no...)
Would it be against your faith to go but not drink, smoke, etc....? You could be a sort of designated driver. (If you don't drive, you could at least be the one with sober judgement.) Many drinks can be made "virgin" (no alcohol), or you could just drink diet pop.
As for your boyfriend, if he still has a problem with a female going to a bar with other femaies and no male escort(I'm assuming he is from the same faith and culture), you could find out if he'd be welcome, explaining to your friend your perspective.

BTW, I opted out of a friend's bachelorette party because the maid of honor was hiring a male stripper. I felt attending was disrespectful to my husband. Her and I are still friends. A true friend will not expect you to go against your conscience. (I do mean your conscience, not your boyfriend's. I decided the party with male stripper was wrong for me, not my husband.)

hello_kitty3

is your boyfriend not invited?

TNAJackson

Would your friend object if you brought your boyfriend with you? It would make him feel better about it and probably you too... then, if you guys are uncomfortable, you can bow out early.

Or...

When in doubt, fake a headache! :laugh:

Maidei

Aaww thanks everyone for you input! I'm touched by all the help! Hearing all you guys' justifications has really helped me make a decision. I think I really like the suggestion of meeting her up and then leaving early. We can definitely have a nice lunch/dinner over the weekend to make up for the rest of the time.Thanks guys! MFP family is definitely the best! :flowerforyou:

SammyPacks

Do what makes you happy! Can you take your boyfriend with you? Or is it a girls night out? Shoot he should let you!

TNAJackson

Aaww thanks everyone for you input! I'm touched by all the help! Hearing all you guys' justifications has really helped me make a decision. I think I really like the suggestion of meeting her up and then leaving early. We can definitely have a nice lunch/dinner over the weekend to make up for the rest of the time.Thanks guys! MFP family is definitely the best! :flowerforyou:

And if you drive yourself, you have an excuse not to drink... :happy:

thelovelyLIZ

Bars are not some crazy, drunken parties with bar fights and stuff Most bars are just people eating, having a few drinks, and keeping to themselves. So unless your friend wants to go to Coyote Ugly or something, it likely won't be that different from going to a restaurant. If YOU'RE uncomfortable, don't go. But if you want to, you should. Your boyfriend should trust that you'll be safe and you'll be with people who can take care of you. I mean, unless your friend and all the people going with her plan on getting schwasty faced, it'll likely be pretty low key. I mean, every time I've gone out for drink everyone has one, max two drinks and then we all go home.

aps85

I think you should go! I think you're trying to talk yourself out of it because you know you would be socially uncomfortable. Open up a little bit, you know she would LOVE for you to be there, and I would bet that you would have a BLAST out with the girls! You'd hate to hear about all the fun you missed out on!