A Vent! How can someone be so un-supportive!!?

JenCM

Truly feel for my hubby right now....My husband is overweight and he's never had the motivation since we've been married to change it. And nothing I've said or tried to do, has done much because when I know YOU have to get tired of the weight before you do anything. Nothing others say usually can force you into it. That being said, a couple weeks ago hubby started eating better and changing things. This all came about due to a tiff we got in over how he was certain I was washing all his work shirts on hot water and shrinking them. He was CERTAIN of it and not happy about it at all. I couldn't convince him otherwise until one Saturday we got him a few new shirts and they were 3xls and we got home and none fit without being very tight. This prompted him to weigh himself and find he was 20 lbs heavier than he imagined himself to be and then started remembering how he used to be a 32 waist and he'd just had to buy new pants in a 42 waist. I can't describe to you how much this bothered him. In the nearly 6 years we've been together and then been married, I've never seen him be this bothered over something. As soon as it happened, he decided he was done and started eating better and asking me to help him if I would. He threw out his sodas. He got rid of the bad food we'd been keeping around for him that he ate. I was so uplifted! Since then, he's been doing great and trying so so so hard. I've been so proud of him, and I keep telling him that. However....
I could flick my FIL and BIL right now! They completely rode him to the ground last night when we went out to eat. They gave him grief for not eating rolls, they gave him grief for getting steamed veggies and a salad with his steak and then gave him more grief for bypassing the super high sugar BBQ sauce at the table...Then gave him more grief about eating low-sugar and carb, and high protein and how it won't work, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there.....and they seem to forget I've lost over 120 lbs eating this way!! I wanted to hit them both for being un-supportive and so ridiculous. Half the time they've been harping on him for how much he eats and being heavy and now that he's TRYING, they find another reason. It's not right! And I almost did want to smack FIL today....I was leaving their house and gave my dog a jerky treat and FIL made the comment "Oh, so you've got him on the same diet you put Bill on!". I didn't put my husband on a diet, he made this choice himself and just...ARGH!!!! *sigh* I told hubby, it's funny how they never dared to say a word to me about how they thought what I was doing was stupid, etc, but they can dish it out to him. I just wanted to ninja them!!
I just hope I can keep supporting hubby myself and he can get healthy....I just don't know what to do to help him with them. =/
I'd say MOVE....lol, but we're broke. =P

Newf77

Do not let them drag you three down. Just do what you are doing and your Husband, Dog and you will be happire and healthier. They are just upset because they do not have the will power your husband has displayed.

Jishmeister

Oh that's terrible, all you can do is be there for him and continue to motivate and help him. Help him make better food choices too if you see him withdrawing back into his old ways. Just continue to support him and I'm sure he'll do great in his weight loss.

JenCM

I know he'll do well in this...he's got so much less than me to lose and I really think if he keeps up what he's trying to do and incorporates exercise in at his pace, I think he's going to lose what he needs to faster than he realizes.
I've just been so irked since all this last night. To me, it's one thing if you're going to pick at ME....but don't start in on the ones I care about! I know part of hubby's problem has been everyone NOT ever supporting him and doing just what they're doing, he's got more tender feelings about things that he lets on, so I know it hurts him and he gets tired of being the whipping boy since he just takes everything and tries to smile and bear it.

EricMurano

Usually I'm ok with people being a little funny with my diet but if it's relentless and negative I'll return fire with some pretty colourful language. I'd even consider getting up and leaving. You leave me to do what I want or I'll pull myself out of the situation and probably even stop hanging out with you.

And yes even with family, except Mum.

anchorageb2

Hmm How did your husband handle it? Is it normal in his family to rib him about everything? He may just let it slide off his back because he is use to it.
My hubby would pick on the neighbor kid all the time and the neighbor told me my husband bugged him but my hubby kept saying nah if I did he would tell me. So I finally had to intervene when I saw it and told the neighbor in front of my hubby he says if it bothers you will tell him so if it is bothering now is your chance to say something. The neighbor kid was afraid to say something thinking he would get more ribbed about being weak and hubby did not want to stop thinking he was getting the kids attention and though it made him cool. When I said what I did with both present they knew that not only was I not gonna watch it happen anymore but I was not making up what they other had said. Neither said anything but it stopped after awhile. Sometimes they rib each other for fun but both acknowledge that is all it is and it never gets like it was before.

sarahsmom1

I would just try and be around them when food is not the center of the gathering

Goldenbast

I feel for you....boy do I feel for you! I know how it is to have inlaws riding your butt about various things. You should have your hubby register here so he can get lots and lots of encouragement!

LolaGotThin

I'd want to ninja them also. >:(
Keep being an awesome supportive wifey!! It probably means so much more to him than anything they have to say!

GroovyGma73

Omg your poor Hubby thats just terrible, but I am so glad he has you to help him and thats all he needs right now, all the debbie downers will be eating there words when he has lost his weight and become a better and healthier version of himself

aaleigha1

just to make you smile

my MIL always says have you put on weight
once to my daughter (who had recently lost 20lb which really showed as she is only 4ft 10) she said the same - my daughter shot her down in flames telling her how unsupportive and critical she was and no wonder some family just dont want to visit her much (she meant me and my dh)

as to your dh has be joined here
if so let us all befriend him and become his support network

leestanley3

To be honest, I'd concentrate on all the GOOD your fella has achieved and how much better he will feel trying on the 42inch trousers, when he is back in the 32's. Putting the night out into perspective its one meal and will not really make that much of an impact on the bigger picture, you just need a few of your buddies or his buddies to start eating with and maintaining the great work he is achieving.

It will surely add greater satisfaction when your hubby achieves his goals and the FIL and BIL can even walk up the stairs.

Keep the faith!

Acherona

OMG how horrible can they be!!! I agree with others, just ignore them and support your Husband. Personally for me that would give me more drive to work at it harder just so i could go nanananana lol Sounds childish but i like to show im strong enough to do it and to show people that they are wrong.

Even if they don't have faith in your husband, i can guarantee that he is very supported by all us here on MFP

Good luck we all know he can do,

shakybabe

families can be like that.. I rememeber going out for dinner a few years back on my birthday and was going to get jacket potato with what I was having (probably chicken or scampi) straight away my brother has.. you don't want that... get chips.

They are all overweight except for SIL dad who was naturally thin anyway, even though I was 2 stone over my healthy weight I was the smallest and lightest. I'm smallest height wise though too.

My brother was meant to have been going cycling and stuff so I'd got him an iphone mount for his bike for xmas to encourage him, when I went to visit xmas day he was bigger than he was last year and hadn't been on the bike for a few months!

My SIL has always been big though (we've known them all since childhood her uncle lives next door to my brothers) even at 14 when she first met my brother (he was 17 when they first started going out the first time) she was bigger than I was and I'm 11 years older than her. I don't know if there's a medical reason but she's always been big I did wonder if my brother was staying bigger so she didn't feel as big if he was really slim and fit.

When I went xmas day they were asking what I was eating and looked shocked when said I had cut bread, pasta, potatoes etc to get down to 10st 5 (as I was xmas day) from 12st 7... I don't see them often so don't get it everyday luckily and still intending to be 9st 3 by time we go out for my birthday!

Keep encouraging your hubby to keep going, maybe if finances allows and you don't already have one,, get something like wii or x box kinect where you can exercise together or a gym membership or talk up walking/running/cycling together. I'm sure he will appreciate your support even if rest of family is been funny with him.

girl_afraid82

Ugh, can't stand people that do this!

I think maybe seeing somebody in their family (especially if they are all big) doing well at sticking to a healthy eating plan, was probably uncomfortable viewing. Maybe it brought a few home truths out, forcing them to notice all the terrible calories they were consuming, so they made jokes to make themselves feel like the bigger man (literally lol).

Or maybe they are just being horrible and ignorant

Makes me feel lucky to have a supportive network of family and friends. Sure, I get offered high calorie food by them, but if I turn it down then nothing more is said.

Gosser

My mum does that to me all the time, even when I have lost 24lb.

Fortunately my new partner isn't willing to sit and listen to her berate me (unfairly in his opinion) and says so. Made for an interesting christmas lunch, but I'm grateful as being told you're wrong constantly must affect your mental attitude to life.

Your Husband obviously has the will power to do what he has set out to do and with your support will reach his goal.

MaximalLife

Family and friends of reforming fat people are a poor system of support, and I had to sever them ALL.

I got rid of all my friends and put some distance between me and my family. Nature abhors a vacuum, and I met new friends all focused on health and fitness. Now, when I get around family or run into old friends they all get extremely jealous.

I LOVE IT!

munchkinhugs

Smells a bit like jealousy. Or they just don't have faith he'll succeed.

Either way, do your best to be the supportive wife; and when you're struggling, come to us on MFP for some support of your own.

Good luck!

S

KristieKRN

I so feel for you both! my MIL constantly does this to us. I have come to finally avoid going to her house for parties... to the point that I schedule myself to work those nights. Her comment always " you do have to eat" Yes, I have to eat, but not that that high fat, high carb crap you keep making. None of them in her house is at a healthy weight, FIL has had a triple bypass and diabetic, but it hasn't changed thy way they eat.
Good luck to you both, and stick to your guns!

Dragonfly1996

Well done to you and also ur hubby for starting to lose weight - am sure he will soon be reaping the benefits!! Shame his family aren't being supportive - sounds like jealousy to me - do they need to lose weight?! Perhaps his keeness to change has touched a nerve with them!! I think sometimes relatives think just because u are related that gives them carte blanche to say whatever they like!!! Hopefully he can ignore their comments & carry on with what he has decided to do for the benefit of his health - he is lucky to have u fighting his corner & ur doggie!! Best of luck to ur hubby!! :flowerforyou:

CyberEd312

The old me would have grinned at them both and looked at the floor and hoped that it would just pass and they would just stop but that seldom ever worked. Today its a whole different ball game, if that happened to me now I would have confronted them both and laid out the new ground rules and how things are going to go this time around and if they didn't like it well they would be seeing less of us. Life is far to short and I have wasted way to much of my life and my wife depressed, in denial , and feeling sorry for myself that today I live each day for me first and my family and we love being healthy and working out together and eating right. Nothing is going to mess that up and if friends and family cannot support that well they will get left behind until they get the big picture.

arewethereyet

The old me would have grinned at them both and looked at the floor and hoped that it would just pass and they would just stop but that seldom ever worked. Today its a whole different ball game, if that happened to me now I would have confronted them both and laid out the new ground rules and how things are going to go this time around and if they didn't like it well they would be seeing less of us. Life is far to short and I have wasted way to much of my life and my wife depressed, in denial , and feeling sorry for myself that today I live each day for me first and my family and we love being healthy and working out together and eating right. Nothing is going to mess that up and if friends and family cannot support that well they will get left behind until they get the big picture.

Looks around for applause button!!

Love to see a man take control!

LoreleiWalks

I think this is common - whether it's friends, family, or a spouse. I think food is so strongly tied into social activities/relationships that people can get all freaked out when somebody changes their eating habits. If in the past, your hubby's time with his family usually/always involved high-cal eating, they probably are scared that they are going to lose the "old" him. They don't know how to handle this new, healthier person and it freaks them out. Thank goodness he has great support coming from you. There is no easy way to handle this, I'm afraid. Just keep cheering him on and maybe in time his family will get over themselves (and maybe even take a hint or two from hubby's new healthy lifestyle). Best of luck to you and hubby! P.S. Your stats = amazing!!! WTG!

dorisholaway

I understand the pain. Many years ago while I was still married, my husband would complain about me being over weight. And I would try to please him and go on a diet. Many different times when I tried to diet, he would come home with about 10 boxes of little debbies. He knew that I could not resist them if they were in the house, and he was right. Then I would just give up on weight loss. Tell your husband to not do like I did. Have strength and keep on eating the way he knows he should. Now that I am happily divorced I am losing weight for myself. I know your husband can do this, as I have now lost about 55 lbs. since one year ago today.

jojoworks

Smells a bit like jealousy. Or they just don't have faith he'll succeed.

Either way, do your best to be the supportive wife; and when you're struggling, come to us on MFP for some support of your own.

Good luck!

S

this!
it seems like your husband making these positive changes somehow threatens them. maybe they think you and your hubby's changes somehow reflect your judgement or criticism on them for not being healthy. its not your fault, its just their way of deflecting looking at themselves or making their own changes.

it sounds like you may live with them so limiting exposure to them will be very difficult. you may need to just have a heart to heart with them, let them know you are NOT judging them, but merely trying to get healthy and fit into your clothes (after all, if money is tight buying clothes probably isn't in the budget)!

good luck and don't let them get you down, the struggle for your hubby is probably more difficult, let him know he's got support here!

JenCM

To address some of what you guys have mentioned....

Yes, most the social situations for the family revolve around food. Specifically constantly eating out. However, in the last year I've gotten more vocal about where we go because I can't eat most places. Usually a soup and salad place or steakhouse is the best for me. And when they want to go somewhere else and ask us to go, I simply opt out and say, have a nice time! But my MIL is far closer to hubby than the rest of the family and luckily likes me, so she's been in my corner in a way and pushes the rest of them to go places I can eat if we go out. But yes, very much a foodie family. And because hubby is bigger, he's constantly the "garbage disposal" - if someone has a bite of this or that left, they try to give it to him and get him to eat it so it's not wasted. He's been like this since before we met, so he's felt like he couldn't say no. (He's changing that though now). My husband is very much a "nice guy" - he doesn't want to upset anyone, he wants everyone to be happy, he's very obliging. Sometimes to the point he makes me feel like a meanie because I have to be the one always saying NO.

Is anyone else overweight in the family? FIL and MIL are. MIL has a lot to do with her thyroid and the fact she can't walk much because of some destroyed knees. Despite that though, she tries to eat better and move as much as she physically can. And she's heavier, but not past 40 lbs I'd say. FIL swears he hates sweet foods, but he eats a bag of Snickers and Almond Joy and who knows how many single bars, a week and then is a big beer drinker. BIL however is fine. He's the opposite of my hubby's body type. Tall and athletic and able to eat whatever he wants and not gain an ounce. The guy lives on cake - that's his fave breakfast and anything else he wants and maintains his weight without doing anything at all. So he has no understanding in general of what hubby is going through and therefore, not a lot of empathy.

I tried to talk to MIL about this yesterday and she said, "They're just going to pick at him....they always have". MIL is where hubby got his passiveness. They do it because he lets him and I've tried to explain that to him. I think they're just like bullies. And I'm having a hard time not making a comment to one of them....I find it generally to be BS that they've kept quiet with me, and are doing this to him.

Haha, I have to echo what one of you said that you'd want to get down in weight just to "na na na na naaaa" them. lol. It's bad, but I want that too!!

JenCM

it seems like your husband making these positive changes somehow threatens them. maybe they think you and your hubby's changes somehow reflect your judgement or criticism on them for not being healthy. its not your fault, its just their way of deflecting looking at themselves or making their own changes.

it sounds like you may live with them so limiting exposure to them will be very difficult. you may need to just have a heart to heart with them, let them know you are NOT judging them, but merely trying to get healthy and fit into your clothes (after all, if money is tight buying clothes probably isn't in the budget)!

good luck and don't let them get you down, the struggle for your hubby is probably more difficult, let him know he's got support here!

I'm sure somehow this is my fault with them - But I think it's more that they think I'm forcing HIM. Anytime he changes how he's done something since we've been married, it's been because I forced him somehow. Which has actually been wrong every time. Anything at all he's changed, has been 100% of his own accord. I've never gotten involved with anything with him like that because I know for a fact YOU have to be the person who changes things. But they'd never believe that. It's always me. =P That's why I got so ticked off at the comment about me giving my dog a jerky treat and how now I had him on the same diet as my husband. It's like I'm some sick puppetmaster trying to make everyone healthier along with myself *OH THE HORROR!!!*

We don't live with them, but we only live 2 miles away from them. And with me being so super close to my MIL and she being close to my husband...yeah, we're around one another a LOT. One thing I think, is BIL and FIL must always be right. Always. If my husband says something, they have to look it up on their phone and correct him. Hubby mentioned eating protein the other night, BIL got his phone out and started looking up what all the Dr.'s say about it and how he was wrong because he was eating a steak and they say eat fish. It seems like it's anything to pull him down or prove him wrong all the time...It's insane.

suztheq

Smells a bit like jealousy. Or they just don't have faith he'll succeed.

Either way, do your best to be the supportive wife; and when you're struggling, come to us on MFP for some support of your own.

Good luck!

S

Definitely agree with ^^^this^^^. My family and coworkers think I'm nuts because I eat right and exercise. My family is half "redneck", half Italian. Real health nuts there. My coworkers are all men and they eat fast food everyday for breakfast and at lunch. The only reason they all don't weigh 400 pounds is because our work is extremely demanding physically. Really, it can be summed up to this; misery loves company. It's not that his family doesn't want your husband to succeed. They are jealous. Whether it's of the love and support that you are giving him or if it's your husband's own drive to better himself. I've read about families, spouses and friends sabotaging diets. Many times, these people want what you are striving for -success. They have either failed or they are afraid of failing. Either way, they take your success and their failure (or fear of it) personally. Yes, I am generalizing about people I don't know, but keep this in mind when your FIL or BIL act this way. The most important thing to do is focus on you and your husbands successes. At the end of the day, your health and your husband's health (physically and mentally) is what's important. Take a deep breath and focus on what is truly important. I hope MFP can help you do that. Good luck and congrats on your success!

Usbornegal

Half the time they've been harping on him for how much he eats and being heavy and now that he's TRYING, they find another reason. It's not right!


Here's the rotten apple in the bunch - it's not what he does, it is how they have learned to interact. As long as he continues his participation in it, it won't stop. So don't do 'food' social events with them, and have a serious talk with your husband about whether this is the way he wants his sibling relationship to be for the NEXT 20 years of his life? If not, he can change it by refusing to participate in it. But he'll need your support.

And you can tell them how proud you are of him, because of how many more years he will be alive to love you. Let them look THAT up on ther iphones!

cydonian

I'll tell you the same thing I told my friend who wanted to quit smoking but her boyfriend refused. Screw 'em. Do you own thing and get yourself healthy. If they don't want to jump on the bandwagon, you can't let that hold you or him back, seriously! I struggled a little bit with my husband initially but once I started cooking healthier, he joined me and I found it so much easier to eat healthy. I had issues with my parents as well (they eat very badly) and I just started making my own meals and eventually people get over it. Rely on the two of you for support and don't worry about negative nancies!

I will say about your comment on his weight gain -- no idea how long you've been together but some weight gain is normal in most men as they get older. My husband was a 28 waist at 6'5 when he was in his early 20s (I didn't date him then) and he's now about a 36 waist at 32 years old. Sure, he has some excess weight, but considering it's been 10 years and men's metabolisms really slow in their early 20s, it's not unusual. Try not to gig your husband too hard. I know it's scary for health reasons but some weight gain is normal!

Not sure what else to suggest, but I hope you guys get on track soon!

recriger

One reason we moved to my wife's home town instead of mine. i have a heavy family always lecturing us on weight loss. Oddly the lecture only happens as the food is piled on the table. Some people can only express their own anger-depression-loathing... by talking. then they eventually talk themselves into a corner. Others like to pop the jokes out of embarassment. they don't want to be shown as a fool or lazy. Years back when I tried to quit smoking my roommate would say crap like "no one likes a quitter". i think everyone is overly selfconscious about something, and they tend to want everyone around them to stay the same. A lot of that teasing comes from a fear of change and is probably not intentional..Well, they probably aren't saying it as a dislike to your husband. It's probably more of a statement spoken to themselves while looking at your husband.