Couples having separate interests and friends

live2dream

Couples having separate interests and friends: Do you think this is a good thing? I do. But my man disagrees. He thinks it's bad for couples to do things separately and that's what ruins a relationship.

We've been together for 12 years and have basically done everything together... we even work together. Now that I decided to start my own photography business, I've been doing my own thing and making new friends. I still spend the majority of the time with him, but sometimes I want to go out with girlfriends, or photographer friends (where we talk about photography stuff, and the hubby isn't interested.) He was okay with me going out with girlfriends last weekend, but now I want to go to a party with some photographers and he's freaking out. Mostly because there will be drinking and he doesn't trust me. He says I get out of control... but doesn't everyone when they drink? I just like to let loose and have a good time once in a while. Is that not normal? I do like to hug everyone in sight when I drink, but I'd never cheat. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have a few drinks with friends without him there? We are supposed to go up to see his mom and grandma this weekend, and I suggested going up on Saturday, but now he's insisting we go on Friday night (so I miss the party). Or he's threatening to go without me, but I know he's playing games to get me to not go to the photographers party.

fakeplastictree

I think it's good to have time without your spouse/S.O. but thats me. My husband hates that as well.

Redapplecandie

I think some things should be separate. My fiancee and I do have some of the same friends, and activities, but sometimes I want to do something without him. Example, I co-own a show dog, and I go to dog shows. He's not a big dog fan, and doesn't go. Sometimes I don't want to hang out with him and his "nerdy" friends, so I go to my mothers house.

We don't have to be joined at the hip to have a stable relationship. We do just fine sometimes separate.

TheRoadDog

Although my wife comes to watch me play soccer occasionally and will sometimes ride on the back of my bike, these two things I usually do without her.

Shopping is the hobby that she usually does without me.

We do most other things together.

Carl01

My take is that if both parties are forced to live a life that excludes all but each other then eventually that closeness will turn to boredom and then to bitterness.

If each or one shuts the other out too much it will lead to resentment and mistrust.

We are individuals that need to have our own things as well as a natural desire for a companion and partner so just find a balance.

oneIT

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

meerkat70

I think it's healthy. It's good to have some common interests, but if you're endlessly engaged in identical pursuits, it gets very dull.

atsteele

Although my wife comes to watch me play soccer occasionally and will sometimes ride on the back of my bike, these two things I usually do without her.

Shopping is the hobby that she usually does without me.

We do most other things together.

Same here. We do most things together or as a family. My husband usually comes to see my races and so far we've been taking our belt tests together. But he golfs and goes to games with the guys and/or our boys. I go out with my girlfriends and shop by myself or with my daughters. Recently we started practicing TKD together on Sundays which has been very nice.

Sh1tsRainbows

hes scared of losing you

_SusieQ_

We have been together over 20 years, married for 18. We do more things separately than together and it works fine for us. We even vacation separately on occasion. I do trips with the girls, he does golfing weekends with the boys. Then we do vacations together as well.

It's probably just a matter of him needing to get used to it. Explain that it isn't b/c you need space from him, just that you want to see yourself succeed at something on your own. Good luck!

vanessaclarkgbr

hes scared of losing you

I agree! I feel bad for him, but you haven't done anything wrong.

We do things together and things apart. I don't fancy watching him play electric guitar with his mates, he rarely shows interest in MFP. We have separate, and mutual friends, we run together, go out for dinner, like similar music etc, but some of his stuff bores me and vice versa! You need to be able to go out and play on your own sometimes so you've got something to talk about when you're back together again!

That said, put yourself in his position for that particular night out. Do you feel comfortable with him doing the same? If so, you're fine and can encourage him to do exactly the same another night whilst you stay home. Ignore the protests and enjoy, it will only be you digging your heels in and doing it and showing him the world didn't end when you did that might make him feel more secure.

TheRoadDog

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Disagree. If I didn't have total trust in my wife and her in me, we shouldn't be together.

skinnywithin

My take is that if both parties are forced to live a life that excludes all but each other then eventually that closeness will turn to boredom and then to bitterness.

If each or one shuts the other out too much it will lead to resentment and mistrust.

We are individuals that need to have our own things as well as a natural desire for a companion and partner so just find a balance.

WHY ARE YOU SINGLE? YOU ARE WONDERFUL !

oneIT

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Disagree. If I didn't have total trust in my wife and her in me, we shouldn't be together.

Exactly!

BerryH

My interests:
Fitness
Theatre
Running
Literature
Cinema
Dining out
Art
DIY
Dinner parties with friends

His interests:
Rugby
Beer
XBox

La_Amazona

I think it can be healthy to have a girls night out or what not. I did it often when I was married.. BUT there came a time where our marriage was not so healthy and I was doing it more as a means of escape. I'm not saying this is the case with you but what I'm saying is it can be beneficial or harmful.

It's beneficial if my SO goes out with his buddies to watch a game and have a beer. They can talk about guy stuff, he can have some breathing room, etc.. I can go out shopping with my friend and get some girly talk and laughs out of it.

It's harmful when I'm out drinking, getting hit on by guys, doing my own thing, etc. Or him out at a party getting wasted talking to everyone and everything being the life of the party.

In the future, I will make sure my next SO likes the do the same things that I do. My ex wasn't a night life type of guy. He rather go out and eat then to a movie..well that was fun sometimes but I wanted to see the city lights! I need someone that's as crazy as I am.

If your SO doesn't trust you, there are deeper issues that you need to worry about rather than attending this party.

djdelano

I get plenty of my own time, sometimes it tough to get the cloth over her face but I usually succeed.

Seriously though

Healthy alone time is critical to a long term sucessful marriage.

My wife struggles with this concept as she feels you got married to be together whenever possible. This just is not reality.

*please note the word healthy above : partying with the opposite sex is not healthy.

Funny though, she lets me shovel and plow by myself and has never had a problem with that.

hahahaha

funny stuff on this site.

-D

joyfulteach

He should be your priority. Having a girls night every few weeks is one thing, but going out partying while he's at home waiting for you is not OK. It's not about you, it about him. My husband and I have different interest and occasionally go separate ways, but not on a regular basis.

mandasimba

I'm pretty sure what keeps the man and I together are our times apart. We live together, isn't that enough! He has his interests, hobbies and friends, I have mine. We hang out with them seperatly. The thought of him straying or doing something to hurt the relationship has never once crossed my mind while he was out, and I'm sure he can say the same for when I go out, because we trust eachother, and that trust is well deserved.

I'm a huge believer that it is the time apart that brings you closer

Legs_McGee

My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 12 years. We each have our own interests and our own friends (and friends in common as well). My girls' weekends are very important to me and I wouldn't be with a man that expected me to give that up. We trust each other, so I have no qualms about him going away with his friends, and vice versa.

Bronx_Montgomery

Its def a trust issue. You guys have been together for that long not sure what there is to worry about unless he knows something that you maybe unaware of when you drink. But aside from the trust he is probably afraid because you are out doing your thing and no including him. Sometimes its hard for ppl to break away from a habit that they have been use to. Especially 12 years of it. Tell him to go meet some new friends and im sure it will b fine

WarriorMom2012

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Disagree. If I didn't have total trust in my wife and her in me, we shouldn't be together.

Without knowing you or him, I would have to say that he has issues within himself. If you can't go out and have outside interests, his self esteem may be low and he's looking to you to validate him.

My husband jokingly tells me to flirt when I go out with the girls. The more free drinks I get, the less money is coming out of his pocket.

TimWilkinson101

The fact he doesnt trust you after 12 years of married life is disturbing. Jealousy and lack of trust are the things that eventually destroy relationships. He should trust you and realise that you will not do anything. An ex of mine was in marketing and often had to go to events where she was almost the only woman and I knew some of the men there would try to get her drunk and get off with her. However, I trusted her 100% and she never let me down. She always rang me from her hotel room before she went to sleep. I'd expect her to trust me 100% if I went out drinking and not assume I was chasing any woman who would have me.

I also think its healthy to have seperate interests. It gives you things to talk about and it gives each of you space to be you. It "can" lead to you both realising that you both no longer actually like or share the same things and drifting apart, but if that truly is the case, then I'd wonder why you're together in the first place.

Boardergurl

This is good. I just had a conversation with the guys I work with about this.. A few of them said that you should cut off ties and communication with your friends of the opposite sex when you get married.

Me and my husband have ALOT of the same interests. We spend alot of time together. It could be from just sitting on the couch watching tv to sitting beside each other reading or going to sports and such.

He has his guy time and I have my girl time. You need time apart! You need friends and stuff that aren't just always with the SO around.

If you have to start hiding stuff then there is an issue. My husband knows everyone I talk to whats being said I dont hide anything from him.

I have developed a great friendship with someone of the male gender since we got married.. He is married aswell. My husband knows everything that is said as with his wife... We live in different cities but look forward to our families meeting. We talk about mostly our kids and marriage.

The big thing is trust... if you dont have that even all the time together wont make it better or build that trust. Unless given a reason not to trust then you need time away.

skylark94

Time apart is absolutely essential to our relationship. I usually take off every 6 weeks or so to spend a weekend with my best friend. I love my husband, but I still need time to be me and he is not even remotely interested in horses, which has always been my passion. When I visit my friend we can go riding and talk horses all day without me having to watch my husband glaze over with boredom.

jennilovesryan

t think you have to be careful about partying without your husband. it could lead to drama, for sure.

chicklidell

Although my wife comes to watch me play soccer occasionally and will sometimes ride on the back of my bike, these two things I usually do without her.

Shopping is the hobby that she usually does without me.

We do most other things together.

That made me laugh! I'm divorced, but honestly I spend so much time shopping, i'm surprised I had enoug time to conceive 6 times.

deeharley

It sounds like you're not just asking for time away from him, though. You're also asking for change - if you've done things a certain way for several years, and now you want to do them differently, yes, there is going to be resistance. And it doesn't necessarily mean there are issues - not everyone embraces change, change can be scary.

The important thing is to find the balance that works for both of you. If you went out last weekend with the girls and he was okay with that, then he isn't against ALL time away from him. But maybe he sees your drunk "let loose" times differently than you do. Talk to him, listen to him, and find what you BOTH can live with.

danascot

I'm married and have the same hobbies and interests as I did before I met my husband - why should that change? You were an individual before you meet and will be afterwards. I do, of course, spend the majority of my time with my family but if I say I'm going to the gym with a girlfriend or to the mall, etc. he doesn't care. This is trust related, IMO. The thought that the question is even coming up indicates you know that there isn't something quite right.

bigdawg025

I think it's VERY healthy to have separate hobbies and a sense of identity... there's nothing at all wrong with that. If you spend every waking moment with someone you not only get ridiculously sick of them, but you begin to lose sight of who you are individually, which is something that's very important for a person's mental health and well-being.

He needs to take a chill pill and let go of the control.

megz4987

I think having seperate interests and friends is a good thing. For each relationship it may be different, though. If I were around my fiance 24/7 it would drive us both crazy. I enjoy my time with him and sometimes want more than we get but the time apart is good for us. He likes tools, cars, hunting, etc and I don't particularly care for any of those things. But with our seperate interests we're able to teach each other different things and I think that's great.