Couples having separate interests and friends

starscapenatasha

Studies show that it's actually being around each other constantly and not having any other life that breaks up couple. You get sick of each other, feel trapped, etc. My significant other and I have always taken time apart, and more than most couples from what I've heard, but we like it.
As far as the party is concerned, it sounds like there are a couple of options. 1.) You mentioned you've been married for 12 years; surely you've gotten to know his family. Call his mother, politely tell her about the party and request that you come on the original Saturday instead. It'll probably infuriate him, but you'll accomplish your goal. 2.) Why not take him with you? I've never gone to a party where I was told I couldn't bring at least one guest. He'll be happy and you'll get to go.

Amo_Angelus

haha oh I've just got a brilliant mental image of my fiancé and I doing everything together...I'm slitting my wrists in a kareoke bar and he's jumping off the railings at whatever stitch and crafting event we've gone to that's just tipped him over the edge! LMAO

Anyway, to answer the question, I think it's healthy to have you time and you hobbies. I think it's the couples who can't do anything seperately that get sick and tired of each other because they're always there getting under your feet. As much as I love my fiancé I'm more than happy to leave him and his cousin downstairs playing Halo while me and my bestie retreat upstairs with our knitting. Of course you do things together and spend time together, every couple needs shared interests to work, but you also need you time to fully appreciate that shared time. It's like oxygen, you need it to live, but pure oxygen, all the time will cause dilerium and confusion.

MaximalLife

Couples having separate interests and friends: Do you think this is a good thing? I do. But my man disagrees. He thinks it's bad for couples to do things separately and that's what ruins a relationship.

We've been together for 12 years and have basically done everything together... we even work together. Now that I decided to start my own photography business, I've been doing my own thing and making new friends. I still spend the majority of the time with him, but sometimes I want to go out with girlfriends, or photographer friends (where we talk about photography stuff, and the hubby isn't interested.) He was okay with me going out with girlfriends last weekend, but now I want to go to a party with some photographers and he's freaking out. Mostly because there will be drinking and he doesn't trust me. He says I get out of control... but doesn't everyone when they drink? I just like to let loose and have a good time once in a while. Is that not normal? I do like to hug everyone in sight when I drink, but I'd never cheat. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have a few drinks with friends without him there? We are supposed to go up to see his mom and grandma this weekend, and I suggested going up on Saturday, but now he's insisting we go on Friday night (so I miss the party). Or he's threatening to go without me, but I know he's playing games to get me to not go to the photographers party.

No, it would drive me nuts if she was tagging along everywhere I went.
No, my SO has a life all her own, and I am hers 50% of the time and the other half is my other life where she is neither welcome nor interested.

And vice versa.
Those joined at the hips couples disgust me, because one party is always dominant and the other seems to have no real personality or sand. They'd get lost in their own back yard.

NaomiLyn15

I think that having your own interests is a really important part of every relationship. It gives you something to come back and talk about together. But, you should also spend time together. A good balance of this will create a healthy relationship. But, reading your post it seems like the time apart isn't the thing that your husband has a problem with. It seems that he doesn't like the idea of you getting drunk without him there. I can't say that I don't blame him. Although I don't know him or your relationship, I don't think it is about him not trusting you. You are a female and you are planning on getting drunk away from him. He is probably worried that something bad could happen to you, but he doesn't know how to communicate that without it sounding like he doesn't trust you. When you are drunk you don't have control of the situation, so something bad could happen, and he isn't there to take care of you. Just look at it from his point of view, if he were out getting drunk would you be worried that something might happen to him? I think that time apart is healthy, but what you are doing when apart could be unhealthy. Just try to see it from his perspective. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want you hanging out with others, it sounds like he doesn't want you getting drunk without him.

josery1630

We have a lot of separate interests, but I make sure that my husband has met everyone I hang out with when he isn't there. He tells me when I'm going out in a mixed group and there will be alcohol invloved to be careful, and he definitely doesn't like it when he hasn't met the people I'm going out with. He doesn't trust other guys because he knows what's on a lot of their minds, and he doesn't want me to be put in a situation that might compromise our marriage.

Has he met these people you'll be hanging out with? Could be he's nervous to let you get into a situation with people he hasn't met. Or it could be that he's picking up on a vibe from one of the people he has met that makes him feel uncomfortable. I'd be willing to bet it's not you he doesn't trust.

Separate interests are perfectly fine, but in my opinion, if something makes someone you love uncomfortable, is it really worth disrespecting their feelings to go do what you really want to do? If the roles were reversed and he ignored your feelings, how would you react?

Hubby and I have had this fight and in the end, I didn't miss out on anything by respecting his feelings. Just my $.02.

lilRicki

I have absolutely nothing in common with my SO...the only thing we do together is grocery shop and go to the kid's sporting events, and we're still madly in love. It depends on the couple I guess. It's few and far between that we go on a hot date, but he's the only one I'd want to go to a concert with, or a movie.

starscapenatasha

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Whoa, dude. "Or hanging with the opposite sex. . ." Talk about trust issues.

Kenzietea2

I see both sides to this. Mainly because everyone one does not get out of control when they drink. If that is really your personality, then how about just invite him so he will be more comfortable. Sure he might be bored for a few hours, but one day you will have to go do something boring to support him and I don't see the big deal.

Tinyt123

While I believe whole heartedly that everyone should have their own hobbies and interests that they do without their partner, I'm a little concerned with you not wanting him to come to this party. Not wanting him at every photography session is totally understandable but a party? That's a little different. It is a little scary when your partner embraces a new passion and all of a sudden they are excluded from it. Imagine he joined a biker gang and didn't want you coming to any of their parties. How would you feel? That being said, if he truly can trust you while you're drinking then maybe he's being a little too suffocating. Is the real reason you don't want him at the party because you know you'll be hugging everyone and touchy feely and you don't want him there to stop you from doing it? I say invite him to the party but not everything else.

erika010

I think it is absolutely crucial for individuals to have their own interests. It's what makes a relationship healthy! I have one night out a week with my girls (or in, if they come to my house for a dinner/get together...but it's just us girls, no spouses) and then one night a week where I read in the bathtub. I also run on my own, do freelance writing work and belong to a young professionals group. My hubby has his own friends separate from our couple friends, too, and we would go crazy if we didn't!

auticus

I think if you are wedged up the other person's butt, that that is unhealthy. I also think it shows some excessive jealousy.

Whether or not that is acceptable is largely in the eye of the beholder. My hobbies etc are pretty much not something most women do, so I don't have to worry about this.

suntaffy

I think time apart is great. You will have something to talk about with your spouse. If you experience everything with your spouse, it creates boredom and resentment.

jonisteenhoek

I believe that time apart is really important in a relationship. You should have some friends and hobbies separately and together. My girlfriends and I have a night out each month to giggle and have a good time just being girly. Does he do anything for himself? He needs to take that time for himself too....maybe a bit of jealousy coming out in fear?

That being said, you mentioned that you get out of control when you drink.....I believe there-in lies the problem with this weekend's scenario. My husband, although I don't think he would ever cheat on me, gets out of control when he drinks too. So much so that I will drive him to the bar and then wake our two children (5 and 7 months) up in the middle of the night so we can go pick him up when he wants to go out with his friends. And I will admit, I throw a complete fit when he even mentions going out sometimes because I get so worried about what will happen when he goes out without me (again, I don't worry that he'll cheat, more a fear of drinking and driving, dieing, etc.).

This is a two part problem for me: you definitely need to be able to have your own time, with your own friends, but you need to show him that you can stay in control when you drink so he doesn't need to worry about what's going on when he isn't around.....just my thoughts.....

knittnponder

We do a lot together and inevitably when something really interests one of us the other tends to get interested as well or at least becomes very helpful (such as my cake decorating.) But we also both feel that it's good to have some separate time too. My husband works extremely hard and sometimes just needs a "guy night" where he doesn't have to worry if I'm bored, tired, cranky or whatever. Getting together with the guys to watch MMA is something he loves but I really don't like watching. So he goes and I stay with the kids or find something to do with a girlfriend. This isn't all the time but often enough that he can get a break.

I've taken different classes and done activities without him far more than he's done it I think but it keeps things interesting. We're always learning new things together and separate so we always have new things to talk about. It's important to nurture your relationship but I think it's equally important to develop yourself as an individual. We've been married for more than 20 years and have four kids that I stay home with and homeschool. If I weren't pursuing my own interests I'd probably be ridiculously needy and drive everyone crazy! :P

MAMAVIV1

Go but don't drink. Ask him if he'd like to go so he has the option to say no. Personally, I feel once you are married your...habits, should change out of respect for your spouse. If you want to live the single life, going to parties, drinking etc then be single. There is nothing wrong with having seperate time, but it should never involve things that make your spouse feel insecure.
Its great that you have your own business now, so doing lunch with those friends to discuss photography and like interests is acceptable, going to a party, getting your drink on to where you start hugging and "I Love You-ing" everyone is NOT acceptable.
Put yourself in your spouses shoes, if you knew he was gonna party, drink and hug on others without you there how would you feel? And if you say you don't care at all....are you in the right relationship??
Hope this helps!!

MrsLythgoe

Me & my fiance very rare do anything togther, he goes out with his mates from work when they get paid, I totally understand that. I know he'll never cheat...... He never stops me going out when I want to either.

Kirsty_UK

My husband and I do a lot apart, but we do a lot together as well. Some people find our relationship odd, and have even questioned my commitment to him and his to me because of how little we get involved with each others social lives, but it works for us. I go out a lot more than he does, and we even holiday apart sometimes (or rather I go and travel and he stays home!), but he has zero jealousy or worries over any time I spend with male friends. He knows he's welcome to come as well anytime he wants too, he just usually chooses not too.

I would like us to have more shared friends, and that's gradually happening I think, but he's quite shy with new people, and he doesn't meet all that many people himself to socialise with, because of how small his work is etc.

We've been together 10 years now, living together for 7 of those, and married for 1 so I think it's working for us! We went through a phase where we felt like we'd drifted a little, but we talked about it and made an effort to spend more time together and fixed it again. Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple might not work for another.

It sounds for you though like your husband is nervous about the change. I can understand that. Regarding the party though, is there any reason you don't want him there? I can understand him being bored when you meet photography people for coffee, and you wanting your own interests for you, but by saying you don't want him at the party (depends how you say it of course) would make me a little scared as a partner.

MyFeistyEvolution

I absolutely believe couples should have separate friends, interests, etc.

Many relationships fall apart because people lose sight of who THEY are.

My husband and I have mutual friends....we know eachothers friends well but it is not necessary for us always to have to hang out with them together.

I can see both sides of the equation here but at the end of the day, you have to trust the one you are with, and I personally feel, encourage them to have a bit of life that's just for them.

Kenzietea2

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Whoa, dude. "Or hanging with the opposite sex. . ." Talk about trust issues.

she did openly state she gets out of control. I trust my fiancee 100% wherever he goes because he never gets 'out of control'. In fact I know many people who can have a few drinks and stay in control of their actions.

MLAnniRoc

I live by the motto, "Familiarity breeds contempt."

I am madly in love with my fiance' of 6 years, but we understand that sometimes breathing room is required.
Our compromises work for us because we've instilled so much trust and love into each other.
We've flourished as a couple through growing as individuals.

AudgePaudge

I think it's healthy for couples to do certain things away from each other. Drinking and flirting...you should just invite him!!

DietingMommy08

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

Whoa, dude. "Or hanging with the opposite sex. . ." Talk about trust issues.

^^ Agree!! Lol.

I say he should trust you.
It may not even be a trust issue, maybe he just dont like change?!
Hes not your father so I dnt think hes required to approve of all your friends or have ot meet t hem before you go out with them but maybe out of respect that might be okay.
Its definetly okay to have different interests.
Like others have said, you was your own person before you met him and u should still be your own person.
His games about leaving you are childish and honestly if i was threatened like that, id just let him go witout me.
I bet he dont really leave you. Lol.
Id say do what YOU think is right because only YOU know your relationship and how things would turn out if you did.

kenyonsmom10

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

I agree. If there are no drinks/partying involved.... like just going to a show with a few friends thats different ... or shopping without the spouse/SO..... thats fine..... strip clubs, parties, drinking, etc...... look at it from his point of view and would you be okay with him going out and doing the same without you? not to mention he does not know these "new friends" so there is an uncomfortable situation there for him I am sure....... My hubby and I have been together 10 years and married for 4 ...... when it comes to partying and "new friends" we hang out together..... once we BOTH know the "new friends" it is more comfortable ..... just sayin.

pelleld

but now I want to go to a party with some photographers and he's freaking out. Mostly because there will be drinking and he doesn't trust me. He says I get out of control... but doesn't everyone when they drink? I just like to let loose and have a good time once in a while. Is that not normal? I do like to hug everyone in sight when I drink, but I'd never cheat. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have a few drinks with friends without him there?

My husband and I do spend quite a bit of time together (we are both retired). But we also have our own friends, in addition to shared friends. We do things together and separate. It works for us. The real issue, IMHO isn't your question about having separate interests and friends. Its that he doesn't trust you to be out drinking without him. It is NOT OK to go out without him and drink so much you get out of control and hug everyone in sight. Maybe I'm an old fuddy dudd but frankly that behavior is not ok even if he IS there with you.

erika010

To be honest though, I do think it's weird you want to go to a party and get drunk without him. I have a glass of wine with dinner 1-2 times a week but I haven't gotten drunk since college, truly. It typically leads to nothing but embarrassment and regret (plus, I would rather save those calories for dessert). I also don't have any (straight) guy friends (I'm on friendly terms with my male coworkers and also my friends' husbands/partners) but I firmly believe that if you are married, that's crossing a line. My husband agrees. If he wanted to go to a party without me and get drunk, I would be very suspicious.

sunnyk8

I completely agree that having separate interests and friends is ESSENTIAL for a successful relationship. If my boyfriend and I spend too much time together, we start getting irritated and picking fights. But, we have overlapping interests too, and of course spend time together. Sometimes if we are on a really independent streak we realize that we haven't spent much time together and go on a date night or something to bring it all back into balance. But I would go NUTS if we did everything together. I think it is really about balance.

The only thing I get hung up on in the original post is the idea that "everyone gets out of control when they drink". That is not the case... you can have a couple drinks and not get sloppy or over the top. I think, maybe just like the relationship/time together requires balance... perhaps you two can find a balance in this situation. You go to the party, but don't drink so much that you get out of control. There is a HUGE difference between having a good time and being out of control. Yes, they can occur together, but they don't HAVE to.

andreacord

I think that having seperate interests and friends is key. That's how my relationship with my at the time boyfriend ended a month ago - he was too focused on spending time with me and I really wanted to spend time with him as well as seperately with my friends and he was constantly upset about it.

Katiemarie4488

So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

I agree..... I think tha you need some seperate time, however, you said it yourself, you kinda get out of control. And Well, think if the situation was reversed, how would you feel if your man was "kinda" outof control and hugging every girl at a party, and you were not there? I think if you answer honestly, it would hurt you. Just a thought... I dont actually know you :P

eillamarie

I wish my boyfriend and I had the same friends (we did not meet thru mutual friends, nor do we have any) because it would help with our social life-entertaining, going out with friends, etc. We live together so we do almost everything together, and sometimes it would be nice to be able to go out with another couple that we know-we've only just begun hanging out with other couples, but it's always awkward because their either my friends or his friends.

But I do really like that we have separate friends when it comes to "girls night out" & "guys night out". I can go out with my work friends and he can go out with his soccer friends & we can just separate ourselves from each other completely for a while.

I guess balance is what we need, and are working to achieve.

SugarNtheRaw

We have similar and separate interests, as well as separate and shared friends, we've been together almost 8 years now, and I'm the only person in my generation of family who ISN'T divorced.