Friction in my Marriage

Pamela3

I think I posted this in the wrong forum, so I'm re-posting here.

We seriously need a "Life Line" forum.

Anyway, I'm very lucky to be married to the man that I am married to. He's exceptionally supportive, loving, very loyal, and dedicated to me. He's naturally thin ans feels that becuase of this, he is healthy.

He has smoked for 10 years, and hasn't worked out since college. His favorite food is pizza.

I want him to be motivated to be healthy with me, I want him to be active with me. I want him to be my partner in this journey and he's not, but he is very supportive. We also struggle in the adventurous aspect of our marriage. I'm very spontaneous, fly by the seat of my pants, do crazy things kind of person and he's not. I'm having difficulties with these areas as I crave these things from him. I know that I cannot change a person and I don't really want to, but I'd like him to try these things with me. At least give it a shot.

I guess I'm looking for advice for people who have been married for a loooonnggg time becuase this is causing friction and it's kind of breaking my heart.

I know you should pay attention to the the things that matter most, but fitness is a huge part of my life, living a healthy lifestyle is a huge part of who I am, and being spontaneous with a non-spontaneous partner often leaves me doing things by myself...

fatboypup

I honestly didnt read the whole thing my mind went off at the word Pizza ... lol best of luck

fakeplastictree

He's gotta want to do these things himself. You really can't do anything but ask him to join you and then leave it be.

ItsMeRebekah

Cant make somebody do something, no matter what it is.. Their heart has to be in it.
That said, maybe he will see you progress, all your hard work and how much it affects your body and get aboard!

karenwill2

you can't change him. He has to choose to do it. I wish I could come up with an easy solution but I can't. With my husband, I can't force him in to anything. But if I stick with something he eventually joins me.

TNAJackson

Have you sat down and had a heart-felt conversation about this with him? Guys are WAY different than we are and if he's anything like my husband, he needs to be told EXACTLY what I want and need him to do and why. I have only been married for 5 years, but we've been together for 7 years... Ultimately, I'd start the conversation with... "I love you. I love how you support me and I can feel how much you love and care about our relationship." Stroke the ego and then continue on with the things you would like and need for him to do to help you (and himself). That's what I'd do anyway.

shamr0ck

I've been married 18 years, most good, sometimes rocky. My husband is my best friend, and i adore him.

That said, he has habits that i hate. He'd rather sit in front of the TV than do anything active. His food choices are not the greatest, and his portion size sucks.

But i can't change any of this. He is the person i married. Any change has to be wrought by HIM, not by ME. All i can do is provide an example, invite him to join me, and continue doing what i need for ME.

Good luck.

TNAJackson

I honestly didnt read the whole thing my mind went off at the word Pizza ... lol best of luck

:laugh: You are definately a man!

MaximalLife

I think I posted this in the wrong forum, so I'm re-posting here.

We seriously need a "Life Line" forum.

Anyway, I'm very lucky to be married to the man that I am married to. He's exceptionally supportive, loving, very loyal, and dedicated to me. He's naturally thin ans feels that becuase of this, he is healthy.

He has smoked for 10 years, and hasn't worked out since college. His favorite food is pizza.

I want him to be motivated to be healthy with me, I want him to be active with me. I want him to be my partner in this journey and he's not, but he is very supportive. We also struggle in the adventurous aspect of our marriage. I'm very spontaneous, fly by the seat of my pants, do crazy things kind of person and he's not. I'm having difficulties with these areas as I crave these things from him. I know that I cannot change a person and I don't really want to, but I'd like him to try these things with me. At least give it a shot.

I guess I'm looking for advice for people who have been married for a loooonnggg time becuase this is causing friction and it's kind of breaking my heart.

I know you should pay attention to the the things that matter most, but fitness is a huge part of my life, living a healthy lifestyle is a huge part of who I am, and being spontaneous with a non-spontaneous partner often leaves me doing things by myself...

I've been married 28 years. I know just what you mean, because I struggle with some issues I wish would change.
But we must stop nagging.
Just because you've decided to change in one area, don't expect him to. He is who he is, and nagging, complaining and criticizing will not work. I know! I want my wife to go out more - dancing!

I love it; she hates it. It really bothers me. And there are some other things I could snivel about, but you get the picture. I feel you!

Your husband is who he is.
He is NOT INTERESTED.
Either back off or decide that you need space from the relationship and move on with your life away from him.
Maybe you're ready to meet somebody new?

That's your choice, and I would TOTALLY understand.
But if you decide that you love this man and wish to remain, stop nagging, complaining and brow beating as you focus on his negatives. Focus on what you still have in common and just love him for who he is.

Again, if you can't stifle yourself and just do this, then it's time to leave.
At the end of the day, we both probably have much more to love than dislike.

That's reality.

jlewis2896

I've been married for 4 years, with my husband for almost 10, and we have gone through this patch before.

He is amazing, absolutely amazing -- but yes, all plans were my plans. All adventures were my adventures. All changes were my changes.

I realized this about 5 years ago and it started eating at me. I'd get resentful if he didn't plan something or if he would even just AGREE with one of my crazy ideas.

For me, what worked was telling him about this and why it was hurtful. Because I was interpreting his agreeableness as complacency and almost laziness. Now I just accept that we are two very different people, but he DID come around and every once in a while will show some serious effort at spontanaeity. We joke about our 'roles' a lot, and I think that helps to alleviate tension.

Good luck with everything! I 100% understand what you are talking about!

therealangd

You can't change people, you can only change the way you react to them.

Sorry, but the answer is with you. You have to decide what's important. What's more important. If fitness is such a huge part of your life, then why would you marry someone that was a pizza eating, cigarette smoking couch potato? (Not that there is anything wrong with that) You can't force someone to change their habits.

tuneses

I've just embraced my fitness and workout time as me time. Or me and the kids. We don't share the same interest in everything and time dong our own thing is good too. I've found a good balance for meals. When I cook something "crazy healthy" as he says he makes himself something. Comprimise

inotnew

As much as I would like to have my husband do these things with me, I have had to let it go. I don't feel guilty about the time I spend becoming and staying healthy. But I would like to share my interests with him also. It does and will again cause friction in our marriage. I have trouble watching my husband be sedentary and overeat. I care for him and want what is best for him. Am I going to do something about it? No.

You have to ask yourself is this a part of our relationship which will break it, if something doesn’t change? If the answer is yes, you need to talk to him and tell him. If the answer is no, ask him occasionally if he wants to join you, but otherwise enjoy it alone or with other friends.

ravenone777

I have no advice except to say I can sympathise. My man is also very unhealthy, after quitting smoking he's just started smoking again this week (which causes snoring issues which cause more friction!) and he's been told by his doctor he's high risk for a heart attack. He has a gym membership he signed up for a year ago and has never been.
I have been trying to encourage him to eat better, quit the smoking properly etc and it just makes the friction worse. I've decided i need to drop it and realise he is an adult and can make his mistakes and I will get on and do what I need to do for my health because he won't take any help or support from me. Its hard watching someone eat and couch themselves to perhaps an early death.

fatboypup

I honestly didnt read the whole thing my mind went off at the word Pizza ... lol best of luck

:laugh: You are definately a man!

yeah a man whom wants pizza now lol

granni87

I wish you luck on your adventure but although you say you don't want to change him it sure sounds to me like you do. Would you stop being the way you are because he wants you to be less spontaneous and enter a non active life style. PS I have been married a very long time lol... Maybe give some thought to what you really want, people dont usually really change because someone they care about asks them to. Generally I have found they just pretend to be someone they are not and that doesn't work for long!

grapenutSF

Tough one. Been with my husband for 11 years. That's not really looooooooong, but I agree with fakeplastictree. Also, a book that helped us prepare for marriage & we still reference today is John Gottman's book:

http://www.gottman.com/49862/558737/DVD-Workshop-Books--Lectures/Seven-Principles-for-Making-Marriage-Work.html

trud72

ok what you wanna be doing is not to tell him hes on a" healthier diet" just start cutting out the fatty foods slowly and replace them with veggies ect like a veg curry for instance! 1 less sauage ect,make your own pizza and add your own toppings more vegies(mushrooms,peppers ect) and less cheese!
do it slowly and they don't notice!
thats what i done with my kids! :drinker:

good luck

after all have you just tried having a serious heart to heart with him...

debswebby

It sounds exactly like me and my hubby. We've been married for 10 years now and he's never been any different. I always know where he is - on the sofa lol. He smokes and thinks he's eating healthy if he has pizza because it has vegetables in it. I love to go out and try new things. He loves to stay in and watch tv.

How do I cope with it? I leave him to it. I do my thing and he does his thing. He doesn't stop me going out and I don't try and drag him with me.
he is not going to change and I have no right to expect him to. Just like he says that he married me fat and it makes no difference to him whether I get smaller or even bigger. he loves me no matter what.

Basically, you have to choose your battles. If everything else is ok is it really worth upsetting the apple cart over? Only you can decide that.

twinsanity

(((HUGS)))

What kinds of spontaneous things are we talking about here? Like just jump in the car and go some where, or like just jump out of a plane? The difference in those two is huge! I'm kind of a control freak in my life, and I LOVE to know details ahead of time. If my bf says 'hey let's go for a drive..', it used to be impossible not to say 'well, where are we going? What time are we coming back? Do we need to pack food?' I finally learned just to say 'ok, let's go!' If he's any type of control freak at all, this may be his driving factor behind his lack of spontaneity. Control freaks don't like spontaneous, we like to see *kitten* coming! Maybe a compromise might work better for you guys...ask him today if he'd be up for doing what you want to do tomorrow. Give him a little bit of a heads up. If he seems more willing that way, then over time he's more likely to open up to the last minute requests, as well. TALK to him. Let him know how important these things are to you, and how important it is to you to share some of these experiences with him, as well.

As for the fitness. We all know that a strong metabolism doesn't really mean crap as far as health. When you cook, do you cook for the family? If so, then there's your answer. And obviously once in a while if the man wants pizza, so what! Not at all implying that you're trying to be a food monitor and eliminate all things unhealthy forever...not implying that at all. But if you're in control of at least one of the meals he eats regularly, then I'd say it's time to let him be a big boy. If you're cooking, and eating, breakfast and dinner with him then I'd say he's probably not doing horribly. The smoking you're never going to get him to stop, that's on him.

rjmwx81

The fact that your husband is being supportive at all is a good thing. My ex actively sabotaged my weight loss plans from time to time. "Oh, you're on a diet? Gee and I ordered two pizzas for movie night. Who's going to eat all this?"


It's entirely possible that once you hit your goal, your husband will be inspired to get his butt in shape too. So that's something for you to work toward. But don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

bexdc

As you know, you can be thin AND unhealthy. So kudos for you for trying to get him off the couch! Women already live longer than men, so I might say something, like, "Hey, bud, I want you to stick around for awhile" I agree that he has to want to do it -- but as an incentive, how about starting slowly and offering a "reward" at the end? Maybe you guys could go for a 30-minute walk and the reward would be going out for a (healthy) dinner or you making his favorite dish (more healthy version, natch)?

Also, and this works for me, I won't work out unless I have a goal. How about you guys train for a 5K in a couple of months?

AlmstHvn

Seems like you have a great opportunity to develop a close friendship with someone else to share those activities with, as it's not his cup of tea... but not lose sight of the qualities that brought you two together. I have a friend that when they were dating, her husband would go camping, sailing, etc. but once they married, he doesn't want to do any of those things - never enjoyed it in the first place. So she has a camping buddy for those activities - and he's still her cooking/movie buddy at home

vestarocks

I was just thinking the other day " I wish he would take us on family adventures like my dad used to" really beating him up in my mind. I then smacked myself upside the head reminding myself that he's not my dad (although VERY similar) and if I want some adventures then I'd better go out and bloody well make them happen. Not wait for him to read my mind.

So no, you know who he is and you aren't going to change that. You'll have to find some people that you can share those things with but it doesn't sound like it's going to be him. ...or if you haven't talked to him about it he might be totally clueless. Mine, at least, is not a mind reader and somehow that still surprises me.

Good luck and keep on keepin' on.

abbigail_r

You need to take a look at what you are worried about. You can most certainly not change a person. In a marriage you need to think about things to sacrafice. Maybe talk to him about meeting halfway? Whatever you do dont nag!!! maybe just suggest he join you for a walk or a spontaneous adventure but you need to be accepting that this is not what he enjoys. Just try and meet in the middle.
For the above poster that said leave...How dare you? Marriage is a huge and should be sacred commitment!! There are things I dont enjoy about my husband but there are things that I do. We meet in the middle. Marriage isnt about ourselves its about us. So many people are afraid to marry now because people simply gave up on situations like this... Has he committed a crime or seriously hurt her?? No then why in the world would you tell someone that its time to leave?

shellyrulz

I will be married for 14 years in June.

I know what you are saying about wanting him to be more involved with you on this journey. I joined mfp last March. My husband is a smoker to and he has been very supportive but I found with him I just gave him some time to get adjusted. I have found great recipes on here and he really enjoys them as well; and this week he joined mfp. It was not because I told him he needed to. It is because he wants to get healthier. We cannot make them make this choice but it is a lifestyle change. Be patient with him and keep on setting a good example for him. It really works and talk to him to tell him how you are feeling.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

kmhallett

you can't change him. He has to choose to do it. I wish I could come up with an easy solution but I can't. With my husband, I can't force him in to anything. But if I stick with something he eventually joins me.

I agree. My husband was in the Army for 3 years. He is so strong still but put on a lot of weight. We both have. I have started back up with my weight loss and he has been eating pizza and wings in front of me. I am not a very strong person when it comes to dieting so it upsets me. I know in my heart that if I stick it out a little longer he will see how serious I am about this and he will join me. He probably doesn't want to do it because it was your idea, let it be his:)

granni87

Ditto

alishuman

Married almost 11 years to a man who is pretty much the opposite of me in every way... And it did cause friction at times, so I understand what you're saying...

But... everyone is right. You can't change him. You shouldn't try to change him. However, you can ask for compromise... Agree to cook a healthy pizza at home, together, instead of ordering out once in a while. Or plan some spontaneity. I know that sounds weird, but maybe ask him to agree to one day a month where he will do/go/see/try whatever you want, and in exchange, one day a month you do something he has planned. No grumbling allowed, even if he wants to sit home and watch tv and order pizza.

Also, if you are feeling this way... What is he feeling? Does he wish you'd stop nagging him to change or do things differently? Does he wish you could be predictable, and less "crazy-seat of your pants?"

I think that part of loving someone is recognizing their differences, and accepting them as they are. And maybe with some compromise, he may start to see things a bit more like you and vice versa.

Good luck!

bexdc

Also, if your husband thinks you're too hardcore, he can do something easier. For example, my husband bicycled next to me while I I did my 6-mile run last night.

shreyaj

I'm not married but have been with my partner for 8 years we are getting married in September. I know exactly how you feel though I am the spontaneous one and he's the laid back one. For us this one of the reasons that our relationship works we balance each other out and he keeps me grounded. Remember there is a reason that you married him and remember all of his good qualities and how this makes you the person that you are, my fiance albeit not spontaneous brings out the best in me, he makes me want to go out and do the things I enjoy even if he doesn't want to join and he supports me no matter what my decision is. However if there is something that's very important to me and I want him there and he doesn't we have a conversation about it why it is important to me and why I would be hurt if he wasn't there or didn't join me and that usually works, if he truly loves you he won't want to see you unhappy all the time, but I agree with the other's on this post don't nag him or expect him to jump on your bandwagon right away sometimes it just takes time, he might see what great progress your doing and want to join you but it takes time. (By the way, I'm not calling you a nag I don't know the whole situation of course, or how your how your relationship is!)