Friction in my Marriage

bexdc

As you know, you can be thin AND unhealthy. So kudos for you for trying to get him off the couch! Women already live longer than men, so I might say something, like, "Hey, bud, I want you to stick around for awhile" I agree that he has to want to do it -- but as an incentive, how about starting slowly and offering a "reward" at the end? Maybe you guys could go for a 30-minute walk and the reward would be going out for a (healthy) dinner or you making his favorite dish (more healthy version, natch)?

Also, and this works for me, I won't work out unless I have a goal. How about you guys train for a 5K in a couple of months?

AlmstHvn

Seems like you have a great opportunity to develop a close friendship with someone else to share those activities with, as it's not his cup of tea... but not lose sight of the qualities that brought you two together. I have a friend that when they were dating, her husband would go camping, sailing, etc. but once they married, he doesn't want to do any of those things - never enjoyed it in the first place. So she has a camping buddy for those activities - and he's still her cooking/movie buddy at home

vestarocks

I was just thinking the other day " I wish he would take us on family adventures like my dad used to" really beating him up in my mind. I then smacked myself upside the head reminding myself that he's not my dad (although VERY similar) and if I want some adventures then I'd better go out and bloody well make them happen. Not wait for him to read my mind.

So no, you know who he is and you aren't going to change that. You'll have to find some people that you can share those things with but it doesn't sound like it's going to be him. ...or if you haven't talked to him about it he might be totally clueless. Mine, at least, is not a mind reader and somehow that still surprises me.

Good luck and keep on keepin' on.

abbigail_r

You need to take a look at what you are worried about. You can most certainly not change a person. In a marriage you need to think about things to sacrafice. Maybe talk to him about meeting halfway? Whatever you do dont nag!!! maybe just suggest he join you for a walk or a spontaneous adventure but you need to be accepting that this is not what he enjoys. Just try and meet in the middle.
For the above poster that said leave...How dare you? Marriage is a huge and should be sacred commitment!! There are things I dont enjoy about my husband but there are things that I do. We meet in the middle. Marriage isnt about ourselves its about us. So many people are afraid to marry now because people simply gave up on situations like this... Has he committed a crime or seriously hurt her?? No then why in the world would you tell someone that its time to leave?

shellyrulz

I will be married for 14 years in June.

I know what you are saying about wanting him to be more involved with you on this journey. I joined mfp last March. My husband is a smoker to and he has been very supportive but I found with him I just gave him some time to get adjusted. I have found great recipes on here and he really enjoys them as well; and this week he joined mfp. It was not because I told him he needed to. It is because he wants to get healthier. We cannot make them make this choice but it is a lifestyle change. Be patient with him and keep on setting a good example for him. It really works and talk to him to tell him how you are feeling.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

kmhallett

you can't change him. He has to choose to do it. I wish I could come up with an easy solution but I can't. With my husband, I can't force him in to anything. But if I stick with something he eventually joins me.

I agree. My husband was in the Army for 3 years. He is so strong still but put on a lot of weight. We both have. I have started back up with my weight loss and he has been eating pizza and wings in front of me. I am not a very strong person when it comes to dieting so it upsets me. I know in my heart that if I stick it out a little longer he will see how serious I am about this and he will join me. He probably doesn't want to do it because it was your idea, let it be his:)

granni87

Ditto

alishuman

Married almost 11 years to a man who is pretty much the opposite of me in every way... And it did cause friction at times, so I understand what you're saying...

But... everyone is right. You can't change him. You shouldn't try to change him. However, you can ask for compromise... Agree to cook a healthy pizza at home, together, instead of ordering out once in a while. Or plan some spontaneity. I know that sounds weird, but maybe ask him to agree to one day a month where he will do/go/see/try whatever you want, and in exchange, one day a month you do something he has planned. No grumbling allowed, even if he wants to sit home and watch tv and order pizza.

Also, if you are feeling this way... What is he feeling? Does he wish you'd stop nagging him to change or do things differently? Does he wish you could be predictable, and less "crazy-seat of your pants?"

I think that part of loving someone is recognizing their differences, and accepting them as they are. And maybe with some compromise, he may start to see things a bit more like you and vice versa.

Good luck!

bexdc

Also, if your husband thinks you're too hardcore, he can do something easier. For example, my husband bicycled next to me while I I did my 6-mile run last night.

shreyaj

I'm not married but have been with my partner for 8 years we are getting married in September. I know exactly how you feel though I am the spontaneous one and he's the laid back one. For us this one of the reasons that our relationship works we balance each other out and he keeps me grounded. Remember there is a reason that you married him and remember all of his good qualities and how this makes you the person that you are, my fiance albeit not spontaneous brings out the best in me, he makes me want to go out and do the things I enjoy even if he doesn't want to join and he supports me no matter what my decision is. However if there is something that's very important to me and I want him there and he doesn't we have a conversation about it why it is important to me and why I would be hurt if he wasn't there or didn't join me and that usually works, if he truly loves you he won't want to see you unhappy all the time, but I agree with the other's on this post don't nag him or expect him to jump on your bandwagon right away sometimes it just takes time, he might see what great progress your doing and want to join you but it takes time. (By the way, I'm not calling you a nag I don't know the whole situation of course, or how your how your relationship is!)

wd61dp

@bexdc Hmmmm, that's how I train my dog

shreyaj

Married almost 11 years to a man who is pretty much the opposite of me in every way... And it did cause friction at times, so I understand what you're saying...

But... everyone is right. You can't change him. You shouldn't try to change him. However, you can ask for compromise... Agree to cook a healthy pizza at home, together, instead of ordering out once in a while. Or plan some spontaneity. I know that sounds weird, but maybe ask him to agree to one day a month where he will do/go/see/try whatever you want, and in exchange, one day a month you do something he has planned. No grumbling allowed, even if he wants to sit home and watch tv and order pizza.

Also, if you are feeling this way... What is he feeling? Does he wish you'd stop nagging him to change or do things differently? Does he wish you could be predictable, and less "crazy-seat of your pants?"

I think that part of loving someone is recognizing their differences, and accepting them as they are. And maybe with some compromise, he may start to see things a bit more like you and vice versa.

Good luck!

This is very good advice! :flowerforyou:

dia77

I have the same problem with my husband: I am quiet and I want to stay home - he can pack in 10 minutes and go to Mexico, I eat heathy , he doesn't , I exercise, he doesn't . He has energy , I don't One thing we have in common: we both are in bad shape.

I started doing something about this : counting cals , exercising as much as I can and positive thinking. He decided that eating once per day and NOT drinking water will help him lose his belly. My journey- his journey. As much as I want to guide him and share with him all the good stuff that I am doing , I understand that to change the way how you live ,comes from inside not outside. Until he will have that desire to improve his live , I will respect his choicess and I will help him how I can .

At this pount I accepted the fact that he wants to eat once per day BUT I am the one cooking that meal and I am doing it as healthy as I can . Also , we are not eating after eight . His meal, the way I planned , consist in some veggie soup and a salad with griled chicken or something close to that .

He doesn't want to work out but around 5 pm we are going for a 30 minutes .walk.

We have 22 uears of marige and this is how much we can share now regarding healthy eating and exercising . I respect his choices and he respects mine..

mirmallett

I have some ideas for you. I've been married 13 years. We've had our ups and downs. But and together we have learned key things in resolving differences and creating a healthy marriage environment.

We've learned to quantify our level of desire/feelings about things. If I were to say to my husband "XYZ is something that REALLY matters to me..." or "I feel STRONGLY about such and such" his ears would perk up and he'd listen. This approach is not overused nor abused, therefore it's respected and it works our marriage. Then together we'd try to find a solution to the particular matter.

Your first step is to do the above and see if he'll be open to a few ideas you propose (because it REALLY matters to you). Then, give him several (many) ideas of activities that he could join you in that would satisify your hunger to be adventurous/active/healthy together. Allow him to add a few ideas of his own. Each of you rank all the activities on a scale of 1-5 (and you rank them, too). Items that are 1's come off the list (because neither of you would enjoy doing them). Then start with items that you each scored 3 or higher. In other words, if you ranked hiking a 5, but he ranked it a 1 or 2, you'll need to choose something else instead. Perhaps a bike ride which you both scored a 3 is a decent place to start.

You'll also need to set parameters about how often you you two will be adventurous together. Perhaps you start by selecting one activity each month. You'll want to make this attractive to him, not make it undesirable. So keep in mind that you're not trying to totally change him, but move him just a bit toward something you desire.

Finally, do an internet search for an exercise on "The Five Love Languages." You and your husband should take the assesment and discuss the results. Your qwest perhaps should be to move toward each other in expressions of love (not only him moving toward you).

Good luck!!!

ktfitzgerald

I’ve been married 10 years and in the last 2 fitness has become very important to me. My husband is like not interested in fitness or being very active but I don’t let it deter me from staying fit and doing things I enjoy. We are able to share a lot of experiences together without him being active. This year I’m doing the warrior dash and he’s coming along to take photos and celebrate with me. In the summer I go kayaking while he hangs out on our boat – then we go for a sail together. I suggest you try to find ways to share your interest in fitness with him without forcing him to take a serious interest in his own fitness.

If you want to encourage him to get fit, I would suggest that instead of nagging and begging him, you should encourage him to go to the doctor and get a full check up. Doctors are usually great advocates of exercise. And it might make a difference if it doesn’t come from you.

Best of luck to you!

emmyvera

There are a lot of GREAT responses on here. I'll just put in my thoughts.....
My husband goes on and off with the workout and watching food thing. What I've noticed is that the more I get into and see results and have the motivation, the more he does it. If I stop, he stops. He totally gets on board when he sees me progressing and I think he realizes that it's a cool-awesome-good-healthy thing.

Also, I don't bug him about it. In the beginning I did and got no where. Then I just would say "I'm headed the gym. See you in an hour". Then after a few weeks of that, he started coming and now he wants to go every day, even on days when I don't. LOL.

What activities does he like to do? There must be something? golfing, football, fishing, bowling.... if you can encourage him into a pastime he enjoys, maybe that would help him get out there and become more active. Just a thought. Good Luck!

txwildfire

I've been married 18 years, most good, sometimes rocky. My husband is my best friend, and i adore him.

That said, he has habits that i hate. He'd rather sit in front of the TV than do anything active. His food choices are not the greatest, and his portion size sucks.

But i can't change any of this. He is the person i married. Any change has to be wrought by HIM, not by ME. All i can do is provide an example, invite him to join me, and continue doing what i need for ME.

Good luck.

The last paragraph here is the best advice I can agree with. He is the person you married all that goes with it.

jrsey86

I'm not married, but I am engaged. Before I made a commitment to a healthier lifestyle, we both lived similar lifestyles: horrible diets, little to no exercise, and lots of time on the couch. Since I changed my diet, my fiance hasn't exactly been on the same level as me. He supports my personal quest for health and wellness, but doesn't really want anything to do with it himself. He complains about not feeling well and the fact that he's overweight, but he doesn't do what's necessary to change.

I used to harp on that and get upset about it, which ended up making me resort to my old sedentary lifestyle. I had to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to do what I want him to...he is who he is. If he wants to create health problems for himself, that's his concern, not mine. Sure, I worry about him, but he doesn't want to change.

Because he is lazy, I realized that I actually have the upper hand! The man doesn't cook, he doesn't like to go grocery shopping, and he rarely orders out. At first this annoyed me, but I see the advantages now. I control the food that comes into the house and I control the meals that we eat. He's given that "ew" look before at some things that I've made (I love lots of veggies...him, not so much), but he'll eventually eat because he has no other choice.

I, too, struggled to make him a little more active. I even fawned over some of his old Army pictures (he was so buff - yum!). But, like so many others have said, he's going to do what he wants to do. I eventually stopped asking him and just did my own thing. Now he "wanders" in when I'm doing a workout DVD or I'm running on the treadmill. Last night he even said that he wanted to try a yoga DVD with me this weekend. The best action I took was actually inaction. Time will tell how it pans out, but I'm hoping it inspires some change in him.

I've read a lot of awesome replies on here. Hopefully we've all lent you some support. Much love and stay strong!:flowerforyou:

Jessica0982

I agree with everyone else!

You can't change him. You can only change yourself. I have my own issues with my husband. I used to drive myself crazy over it all until the past year when I stopped and reminded myself just that. That I can only change myself.

I wish my husband would get healthy with me. I wish he'd quit smoking. I wish he'd stop drinking so much soda. I wish he'd help me more around the house and with our son. I can wish all I want but in the end, I can't change him.

A quote for you that I absolutely love:

The 3 C's of life: choices, chances and changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change. .

alishuman

I have some ideas for you. I've been married 13 years. We've had our ups and downs. But and together we have learned key things in resolving differences and creating a healthy marriage environment.

We've learned to quantify our level of desire/feelings about things. If I were to say to my husband "XYZ is something that REALLY matters to me..." or "I feel STRONGLY about such and such" his ears would perk up and he'd listen. This approach is not overused nor abused, therefore it's respected and it works our marriage. Then together we'd try to find a solution to the particular matter.

Your first step is to do the above and see if he'll be open to a few ideas you propose (because it REALLY matters to you). Then, give him several (many) ideas of activities that he could join you in that would satisify your hunger to be adventurous/active/healthy together. Allow him to add a few ideas of his own. Each of you rank all the activities on a scale of 1-5 (and you rank them, too). Items that are 1's come off the list (because neither of you would enjoy doing them). Then start with items that you each scored 3 or higher. In other words, if you ranked hiking a 5, but he ranked it a 1 or 2, you'll need to choose something else instead. Perhaps a bike ride which you both scored a 3 is a decent place to start.

You'll also need to set parameters about how often you you two will be adventurous together. Perhaps you start by selecting one activity each month. You'll want to make this attractive to him, not make it undesirable. So keep in mind that you're not trying to totally change him, but move him just a bit toward something you desire.

Finally, do an internet search for an exercise on "The Five Love Languages." You and your husband should take the assesment and discuss the results. Your qwest perhaps should be to move toward each other in expressions of love (not only him moving toward you).

Good luck!!!

Great ideas!

And The Five Love Languages... awesome book/exercise. That totally opened my eyes to how to show my husband love in a way he understood. He's one for physical contact, I'm a quality-timer. I had never realized how differently we viewed that, until I read the book. =D I was always thinking "Get OFF me and give me some elbow room." Now I don't mind, because I understand him better.