Did i overreact?

p1xelate

My boyfriend kept getting messages from match.com It was driving me crazy and he finally found a way to get them to stop I know he wasn't looking but it still sucked to know he hadn't done anything with it. When I would talk to him he didn't quite get why it bothered me but he finally did something about it after we had been dating for 3 years.

It bothered me but overall I trusted him, I knew that the major reason he didn't do anything is it would have required him to log in and figure out how to do it. He knew I didn't like it when he got the emails but if I had flat out told him I can't handle it I need you to delete it he would have. I would say print the messages you sent to one another or screen shot them or something and delete the account if he won't even with knowing how much it is bothering you then I would wonder why.

dovesgate

If its no big deal, tell him to give you the password so you can see when he doesnt expect it. If its about the messages you guys shared, theres a little known computer technique known as 'cut and paste" to help save those memories.

Listen to your gut. Dont let feelings overshadow this mammoth red flag. And if he does give you access--which he wont--then he will simply put up another profile and keep looking. Put spyware on the pc--20 bucks at best buy for a keystroke program. This advice is from a guy so listen to it--his excuse is bogus and he IS looking.

Much luck.

Don't do this. Your relationship is only 3 months old. There is no need to turn into a crazy stalker over a simple dating account.

You need to decide if you trust him or not. If you do, just keep an eye on things and make sure his actions match his words. If you don't then just break up. 3 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things and if you can't trust him this early on, then why bother?

BTW - the keystroke program runs in your background and shows up in the program manager. If he is at all tech savvy, she puts this on his computer, and there is nothing going on with him, the relationship WILL blow up in her face when he finds it and she'll lose what could be a good guy who is just kinda clueless about dating etiquette.

JanieJack

Guys usually don't attach the same emotional meaning to stuff like that the way women do (at least from what I've seen), but what makes me think you didn't overreact is that:

a) you guys agreed to go "steady"
b) when you let him know it bothered you he didn't offered a way to solve the problem
b) when you said you'd re-open yours he got mad

Keeping the account doesn't mean he's automatically playing the field (though it usually is, in my experience) so, to me, the key thing ISN'T that he had the account. It's his reaction to you being upset. Is that how he's going to handle every conflict in the future? Give you some lame excuse, tell you you're overreacting, and expect you to just chill? Wrong answer.

I'm cool with casual dating, but when you have the "exclusive" (or "steady" or whatever it is called now), that means to me that we're exploring a possible permanent relationship. No more dating sites needed.

JanieJack

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I'm sorry to say this but I think there is a huge difference between him never deactivating his, for whatever reason it may be, and you threatening to reactivate yours.
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If I discover the guy I am getting to know is still on dating websites, I ask him about it and listen to his answer. Usually it's some lame excuse and I find out later he is playing the field, but we all are, so unless we're "together" (or unless he outright lied about it) then I don't let it bother me.

But these two are steady. If I am exclusive with a guy, and find out he is still playing the field, then we are no longer exclusive. And I will begin accepting other offers. Period. And we will likely not be dating much longer, unless he gets it through his head that what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

If he was just being clueless (because he didn't really care) or lazy or even just using the previously sent messages as an ego boost from time to time, I get it. But if it bothers me, and I tell him, then we need to resolve that. And conflict resolution is one of the key things I evaluate in a budding relationship.

Johnnyswife

My boyfriend of three months still has his online dating accounts open
I really was shocked and extremely upset at this. i disabled my accounts when we first decided to go steady.
He says he doesnt go on it and only kept it because of our megs we sent back and forth (initially back in sept)
did i overreact?
I told him if its not a big deal then i will just reactive my profile again- this did not sit well with him and now he is extremely angry at me

Apparently its not a bid deal so long as its him keeping his profile open. If he's upset with you for doing it, than he either needs to shut them down or move on. I would have reacted the same way.

firesoforion

I thought it was just common courtesy to disable online dating profiles once people become steady
I really hate to impose..So i thought that reactivating my account (with no malicious intentions) wouldnt matter to him
But it did (very much so)

That double standard

I don't think it's a big deal that he left his account open, it's actually sweet if he kept it just for the messages. Regarding this, though, I don't think it's a double standard as much as context. In his mind, he kept his dating account open either because he just didn't get around to closing it, or because he wanted to keep the messages, or something benign, but you used reactivating your account as a threat, and that's what mattered to him and made him angry.