Very Difficult Decision...Any Insight?

Donnacoach

So sorry for this. My mom,, two years ago my Mom had a heart attack. Instead of stopping the CPR after a short period of time, the paramedics continued for 20 minutes. She was placed on a machine to keep her alive following that. It was VERY VERY hard to see my mom there, but not really there. What made it even harder, is that whenever there was a noise her eyes would open up. All the Dr.'s kept saying the same thing, "She was 20 minutes without oxygen to her brain, she is brain dead." So, they essentially wanted us to, "Pull the Plug." I STILL don't know if we did the right thing. I still see her eyes opening up to sound and ask myself often, "Was she really not there?" It is a heartbreaking decision for you to have to make. Just know that whatever it is, that you chose to do, will forever remain with you. Your mom will be pain free, which certainly is something you want. You don't want your mom to go away, which is normal, but ask yourself this, "Is she really still here?" other then physically. Trust yourself to make the right decision. It is you and only you who has to deal with what comes after. I ask myself If I would do it again? Honestly, I don't know. I loved my Mom with all my heart and still do question whether or not she would have even woke up. I had to put my total faith and trust in the hands of Dr.'s and God. Do whatever makes you feel best. Nobody can even begin to know what you are truly feeling inside. Trust and believe in yourself. I am sure you will do what you think is best. Good luck to you and your mom.

infamousmk

I have never been there -- but ((HUGE HUGS)) ... I'm so sorry.

quietlywinning

I am so sorry.

Just love your mom. Keep her as comfortable as possible. Ask lots of questions of the doctors and nurses. How do the treatments affect her? Will stopping treatment make her more comfortable or less comfortable. Will stopping the cancer treatments affect their ability to give comfort care?

There are no one-size-fits-all answers, and really, no right or wrong answer. My *personal* belief is that whether or not treatment is continued, comfort care is non-negotiable. To me, that means fluids cannot be stopped. They shouldn't be forced, but shouldn't be withheld. Dehydration is uncomfortable - frequently painful. I would require they do everything possible to ease pain or any other physical or emotional discomfort.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is obvious that you love your mom and want what is best for her, so just know that whatever decisions you make ARE the right ones. Love is the answer. That love will stay with you for the rest of your life.

iuangina

I'm so sorry that you are in that situation. It's so tough facing those types of decisions. I've been there. You have to think about what your mom would want and what her quality of life is right now. I would also look to see if she put anything in writing about what she wanted her treatment to be if she were in this situation. If there are no advanced directives, you need to ask yourself a couple of questions: would she want to live like this? am I keeping her alive and suffering for me or is that what she would want? My prayers are with you both.

Tia_N_Mac

I pray that God will lead you in your decision and help you to choose the path that is best for your mom. I am sorry that you are going thru this. May God bless you both.

whencynstops

We had to make this choice with my boyfriend following a motorcycle accident. The decision was ultimately up to his father but he did take my opinion into consideration along with the rest of the family. My boyfriend was in the Marine Corps and had a living will so we knew what his thoughts on the matter was. This made the choice less difficult for us. It has been almost 5 years since the worst day of my life but I still stand by our decision.

I hope what ever decision you make you find comfort in it. Do not let anyone pressure you into a decision. Sit with your mom, hold her hand, and think for as long as you need to. Ultimately you know what she would want.

Whodatgirl77

As a hospice nurse I see this far to often...not knowing when to say enough is enough as far as treatment, family members not agreeing when that time is, shades of gray when it comes to what the patient really wanted, medical professionals who do not always have the courage to paint a realistic picture of prognosis, etc. I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe a family meeting with the medical professionals will help your brother understand better what's going on. Unfortunately you are in a difficult position. I wish peace for you and your family in this process and that your mother is comfortable.

Mom0fTwo

I would ask myself this one question:

"Is keeping her on life support better for her or better for me?" Usually the most instant response is the best one to help determine what you should do, this is a similar situation that happened with my Nana.

Stefanie7125

my mother passed away in 1999 from cancer. It took her very fast (she was gone 9 wks from the diagnosis), but not because she didn't fight. She did everything the doctors asked, all the treatments and medications. Nothing helped. We were notified very late on a Saturday night that she probably wouldn't make it through the night. This is with me having just visited on Friday, not believing how great she was doing. She was up eating a cheeseburger! I really thought we had been blessed with a miracle. Until that phone call. We got there as fast as we could. I crawled into her bed and cuddled with her. Gave her water with a sponge, played with her hair and told her it was alright for her to go. She didn't have to hang on for us. I loved her, but it was time for her to let go and be healed. It was the most difficult, yet easiest thing I ever had to do. All she sacrificed for our family throughout all the years it was very unfair of me to ask her to fight any longer. Treasure the time you have been given.

I am praying for you, your mother, your family and this decision that has been thrust upon you. No one should have to go through this. You will do what is best regardless of how difficult it is, know that with all your heart!

cdbravo

My mom was just diagnosed with mucosal melanoma in her nasal cavity. Only 1 out of 25,000,000 people in the United States are diagnosed with it. Basically the same odds as winning a state lottery. I hope that I never have to make the choice that you are about to make, but I know that if I had to, I would have to let her go. When there is no longer a chance of recovery and you are just prolonging the inevitable while they fight through the pain, I think it is time to let go.

With that said, whatever decision you make I'm sure your mom will understand, so make the one that you can be at peace with.

pixlamarque

Unfortunately, no one can really help you make that decision. I work in organ donation and we see families every day having to make these choices. Ultimately, you know what she would want. You may have to have some time alone with her, to really see where she is and think about what she would want. If she told you she wanted to fight until she couldn't fight anymore, then you have to make the best judgement that you can as to whether she can still fight. There comes a time when everyone must pass. Whatever you decide, do your best with her physicians to ensure that she isn't suffering in pain. I can't think of anyone who would want to merely exist that way.
My father died of a brain tumor. He came home with hospice care and he was never intubated in the hospital, so we never had to make a decision to withdraw treatment. I hate that they call it "withdrawing care". I have never withdrawn "care". We gave him comfort measures. It was not easy for us when he went, but he was comfortable and, to be honest, the tumor had taken him away long before. The man he was was just no longer there. For us, that was the right decision, though it really was not a decision at all, because his tumor was not survivable. In the end, no matter what what you or anyone else wants, do what she would want, whatever that might be.

2fit4fat

You aren my prayers either descision is hard we had something similar with my granny but I wasn't the one
Along the decision. Either way you will be going against what someone else wants. Your mom trusted YOU I'm sure you will make the right choice. You are in my prayers at this hard time. Just think of your mom, her life, if she was able to talk to you right now what would she say?! Sometimes that helps... But it is a very difficult situation all around stay strong! We are all here for you for support no matter what!! :-)

kcalabama

I'm so very sorry about your friend. Yes, I've been there. My mom had brain cancer.
She had papers drawn up before her biopsy for exactly this reason and I had to decide.

One of the things that should bring you a lot of comfort is that they really are not in a lot of pain with brain cancer. It also affects their ability to feel pain. Most of the pain she felt before the end was really due to lack of mobility but when she slipped into the coma - it was all over.
We actually had brought her home before the very end when we knew there was no hope.
The key you have to remember is that they chose you because they knew you loved them - and that you down deep know what is best for them.
To keep her comfortable and let her pass is ultimately the best thing for her, for all her loved ones.
Even though it is hard because we are ultimately very selfish and don't want to lose something very precious to us.

Even though there are people here who will think I'm crazy - I'm not and several people saw this not just me.
In the end, we did not put her on life support - and gave her liquids as we could so she did not suffer.
An angel came and stood by her bed - bent down - and my mom passed away and left the room with the angel.
It was a moving and peaceful experience.

Amandarbeebe

My grandmother made her final choice to quit the fight after her 2nd broken hip and fighting like a champ for over 10 years. My grandfather however had alzheimer's and we eventually had to place him in a home. He was already listed at a DNR and one day he choked and the home rushed him to the hospital. Which they where not suppose to do, but I am glad they did it gave me real time to say my good byes. An like your mother he had no idea who anyone was; But still Loved his Ice cream (vanilla) ~
We made the choice it was time to let him go and sent him to the most amazing hospice facility I have ever seen, a hard choice but we came to terms with it. We also knew he had no joy in life anymore.

Hope my story helps, and best of luck with whatever decision you make.

PreacherRam

As a pastor, I see this situation frequently. Death is natural occurence. As a human being, we are not promised tomorrow. However, we know that God (or our Higher Power) is there with us in the midst of our struggles.

My family (I was too young to have input in the decision process) made the decision to prolong my mother's life by inserting a feeding tube. She lived 8 or 9 years after the tube was inserted. While I am grateful for the time and visits that I had with my mother, I also realize the pain and frustration that she felt not being able to communicate and missing so much of my life.

You have the toughest decision to make. I would suggest speaking with a spiritual counselor or someone that you respect in person to discuss this issue. Know that your friends on MFP are praying for you and support you in whatever decision you make.

hummingbird71

- I am SO sorry you are having to deal with this! Almost 2 yrs ago my husband and his sister went through something similar. However we were "lucky" in that a week before my mother-in-law got really bad she gave us "instructions" and she did not want to be in pain anymore. She decided to NOT continue with treatment and we all supported her choice. It was hard because we did not want her to leave us but we also wanted her to be at peace and that meant to "let her go". You said your mom wanted to fight until she couldn't fight anymore- the question is (and I believe you have answered this question already) can she "fight" anymore? If you feel she can not then sounds like you have your answer. But only YOU can answer that question. We all want to keep our loved ones alive and well- but that is not the way the "circle-of-life" goes, unfortunately- No matter what you decide keep all the GOOD MEMORIES in mind and live with those- I am glad you had 9 extra months with your mom- we only had 10 days once they told us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family members as you battle thru this most difficult time!

fitzyloveslife

hi there, im so so sorry that this awful decision has to be made. my mum died of cancer 7 months ago and certainly in the end i just wanted her to be as comfortable and painfree as possible x all you can ever do is the best you can x it is better i feel personally to look at her now and ask whether she would truly be happy as she is x my mum passed suddenly so i am unable to even contemplate your pain fully x love never ends x i hope you are ok!

twynzmom

I have been in that situation but I had family to help me make the decision. We prayed alot before deciding. Your mother trusted you to make the right decision in this case. You will do the right thing. Ask God before deciding

brit49

So sorry to hear that, I no if it was me I wouldn't want to be on a machine. My 9 old son had to be taken off the machine, Its a very hard decision to make, and only you can decide that. My prayers are with you. Best regards Brit.

CyberEd312

I was sitting exactly where you are at back in 2001, my mother had put up a courageous fight against COPD and Emphysema and the week b4 she had fallin trying to get to the bathroom and broke her collar bone. At that time she was no more than 90 pounds (down from her avg of 135 all her life) and that whole week in the hospital she was in and out.... My father at the time was fighting Emphysema, Alzheimer's and an Aortic Aneurysm and wasn't in the state of mind to make any decisions.. They had come to me several years earlier and ask for me to be power of Attorney over their entire affairs. I knew there wishes and wants so after one week of sitting by her bedside the doctor said it was time to make a decision and needed to know what I wanted to do.. Everybody was telling me whatever I decided would be best but that didn't make the decision any easier. After all this was my mother... The strongest woman I had ever known and a mothers love that I just didn't know how I could live without. At 5 in the evening on the 7 day in the hospital I told the doctor no more, it was time to let her go. The nurse woke me around 4 in the morning and we was all there when she took her last breathe. For me it never got any easier, I completely shut down after that and I didn't talk about it and I let it consume me and a decade later I had ballooned to 560 lbs. and was in a life or death struggle with my own mortality. I finally had that AHA moment and seek out help. Even after almost 10 years at that time i was still holding on to it like it was yesterday. You need to talk to someone/ anyone after you decide (and you know the decision you have to make for her sake) it is important to not bottle up your emotions or it will eat you alive.... Depression is a very serious disease that darn near cost me my life..... I wish you the best and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this very difficult time....... God Bless.......