Very Difficult Decision...Any Insight?

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  • Moonpuddle
    Moonpuddle Posts: 1 Member
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  • SwankyTomato
    SwankyTomato Posts: 442 Member
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    We have had conversations...she told me she wanted to fight until she couldn't anymore...but now I don't even know if I understand what that means. Her living will basically states that the decision would be mine if there came a time when she was incapable of making decisions on her own. I'm just at a loss...my brother wants to keep her alive, regardless of how much pain she's in. My grandmother doesn't want her in pain anymore...I just don't know what to do.

    We just went through this with my sister's MIL. My sister and BIL cared for her for 18months in their home. She passed away Dec. 4th.

    You have to filter out what your brother and grandma wants. Now you can take that under advisement but you have to look what is best for your mom and not anyone else, including yourself.

    My sister and BIL are still grieving and it is has been almost 2 months. They are taking care of the financial affairs and the aftermath that ensues. It is still difficult for them.

    Many hugs to you.
  • karenwill2
    karenwill2 Posts: 604 Member
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    <hugs> Unfortunately she left this for you to decide. She knows that you will make the choice she wants. But as an extreme Momma's girl, I just want to hold you and say that everything will be okay. You "know" what she wants. having the strength to do it is something else. I will be praying for you.
  • kittzle
    kittzle Posts: 190 Member
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    I don't have a word of advice to offer you, but I will offer you my prayers and love, and any strength I can give.

    My father was in a bad situation in the hospital almost two years ago and I flat out told him he needed to put his brother in charge of that decision should it need to be made. There was no way I'd emotionally be able to make that decision. Thankfully I still have my father with me today, but he did lose his left foot back in December as a result of the long battle with his health.
  • kit_katty
    kit_katty Posts: 994 Member
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    We have had conversations...she told me she wanted to fight until she couldn't anymore...but now I don't even know if I understand what that means. Her living will basically states that the decision would be mine if there came a time when she was incapable of making decisions on her own. I'm just at a loss...my brother wants to keep her alive, regardless of how much pain she's in. My grandmother doesn't want her in pain anymore...I just don't know what to do.

    First, I'm very sorry you have to go through this. Can she fight this anymore? Does she have any quality of life? Will she survive and go back to the way she was? Would she want to live for months or years like this? If the answers are no then you may have your answer.

    Someone close to me has cancer and we've talked about at what point this decision should be made. He ultimately said that he's not really alive/living if he's on life support and there's little to no possibility of him ever recovering. Pull the plug. While it would be difficult, I hope I have the courage to help him with this final request should the time come.
  • tig_ol_bitties
    tig_ol_bitties Posts: 561 Member
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    Thank you all. Your stories really make me feel so much less...alone. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that prayers and positive energy help to bring peace and clarity, and for those, I thank you. I'm so sorry for those of you who have gone through this, but I appreciate hearing about what you did in this situation. I still just don't know. We had a "meeting" with my brother, myself, and her medical team last night, and it didn't make it any easier. Thank you for sharing, and for making me feel less alone. I think after reading, I know what I am going to do...I just need to find the strength to say it out loud now.
  • joaniehuffman
    joaniehuffman Posts: 10
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    Yes, not the same, but similar. My father in law had a stroke which caused his brain to swell and was essentially dead. Luckily, my son is a Dr. and my daughter is a nurse anesticist. Both the attending physicians and our children advised us to take him off all life support, only give pain medication. The body will shut down or not on its own.

    We did as advised. My husband and mother in law left for a short time and returned to find him awake and recognizing them. The swelling from the stroke had gone down. He was put back on the respirator, etc. and lived another year. The part of the brain that was affected was the communication center. The quality of life was gone, but it was clear to us we had done the right thing. When he died a year later he was clearly ready to go.

    My advise is to keep her comfortable, don't do anything to prolong her life/
  • DiamondRubyMom
    DiamondRubyMom Posts: 147 Member
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    I went through this with my Grandfather. My heart goes out to you. I believe doing what you can to ease pain she's having is good. If there is no hope of recovery then you have a difficulty choice about whether or not stop treatments to battle the illness. I believe this decision is ethically neutral. I know some will disagree but I believe it is wrong to take actions that will intentionally end her life. By this I mean with holding food, water, or machines to help her breathe. We all hate suffering whether for ourselves or others but often this is how God works in our lives. His greatest work was through the suffering of His Son for the forgiveness of our sins. Sometimes He allows suffering in our lives to draw us closer to Him.
  • formersec
    formersec Posts: 233 Member
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    My mother had a living will giving my brother and me this decision-making responsibility. We were fortunate that the chief of ICU took the time to sit down with us and explain my mother's condition. He was blunt about her prognosis, which was not good, but he did give us enough clarity to make the decision to take Mom off life support. Of course, the decision still wasn't easy, and after Mom passed, ai few relatives disapproved, but I still feel we made the right and best decision.
  • FlabulessFam
    FlabulessFam Posts: 31
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    I cannot offer any insight or advice as I have never been through a situation of this sort. What I can offer you is my prayers. I pray to God that you will find peace with whatever decision you make. I pray that you will continue to be strong and courageous. Good luck....
  • rugbyphreak
    rugbyphreak Posts: 509 Member
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    i work with elderly people on hospice and morphine is a godsend, but it drugs them up so bad that they aren't even themselves. they can hardly respond to you and may not even recognize you. it's all up to you. my personal opinion is to keep her on morphine so everybody can say their good-byes, then let her go. it's not fair to leave her suffering like that.
  • SRH7
    SRH7 Posts: 2,037 Member
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    My heart is absolutely breaking for you right now.

    Seven years ago my uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was inoperable and, despite treatment, he deteriorated very quickly. For the last week he was barely conscious and my aunt and mum had to make the decision as to whether to withdraw all treatment. They are both nurses and had seen patients so many times like this. They knew that he was not going to make some miraculous recovery and that, much as we couldn't bear to let him go, they had to make a decision based on what was best for him.

    Seeing him in the final days, it already felt like he had gone. It was then down to my mum and aunt to make the decision to help him find that final peace.

    Treatment was withdrawn, except for pain relief (morphine), and it all happened very quickly after that. He never regained consciousness but was surrounded by family when he passed away .

    Whatever decision you make - please believe it is the right one. And while it is unbearable to let someone that you love so much go, helping her find peace is one last amazing gift you can give her.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you - and there is a whole community of support here should you need to talk.

    xxx
  • Quasita
    Quasita Posts: 1,530 Member
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    I had a friend that signed his own medical coma papers because he was on his deathbed and was in so much pain that he just... couldn't do it anymore. It was a hard thing to talk about, a hard decision to make, I don't envy where you are one bit!

    If it were me, I would have a frank discussion with her doctors, and ask, in the miracle chance that she recovers, what kind of quality of life are we talking about? Is it reasonable to believe that she will always need assistance? Be impaired? If her quality of life will be severely impacted no matter what, I say let her rest, say your goodbyes.

    I'm sure your brother is coming from a place like you, where he doesn't want your mom to die. It's not about what is good for her so much as he doesn't want to face that loss. I would also have a frank discussion with him about what he really thinks is going to happen, the real reasons why, and to make sure he at least understands that if you do decide it's time to let go, that he can at least respect that.

    I think it's very significant that your grandmother is saying let her rest and pass. No mother wants to outlive her children. It takes a huge amount of courage to electively say, I will let my daughter go. It can't have been easy for her, but the fact that she said that tells me just how much pain your mother is in.

    Not that it's my decision, but I would take measures and make arrangements to remove support and let her die in peace.
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
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    I was 23 when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I found out three days after that I was going to have a baby. My mother died without knowing that she had another grandchild on the way. Luckily my mom had a living will for the doctors to follow, but that didn't make it any easier to watch her slip away. You have an extraordinarily difficult decision to make; whatever you choose, know your mom loves you and is proud of you.
  • Tropical_Turtle
    Tropical_Turtle Posts: 2,236 Member
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    First, I like the others are sincerely sorry for the decision you are preparing to make. I have never been in that situation, but I would personally wonder, would she want others to keep her alive just for the sake of keeping her alive? Would she want others to see her in the state she is in? If you were in her position what would you want to be done?

    My prayers to you and your family during this difficult time!
  • jean1058
    jean1058 Posts: 86 Member
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    You and your family are in my prayers. Just remember this: she loves you and trusts you. That is why YOU are the one she asked to handle this. While your heart must be breaking, hold onto that.

    Hugs and prayers,
    Jean

    ETA - don't forget to take care of yourself during this time.
  • mandycasey
    mandycasey Posts: 274 Member
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. My case was different but we still had to make that decision. 5 years ago my mum had a major stroke ( completly out of the blue was fit and healthy up until that point) and after a few days of tests and monitoring we were asked if we wanted to continue or to let her go. If she would of survived % wasn't high she wouldn't be able to move, talk, do anything 4 herself and she wouldn't know who we were. It was the hardest decision ever but i knew mum wouldn't of wanted to live like that. They turned the machines off and she died with everyone she cared about at her bedside - she was only 47.
    Mandy xx
  • MyVickiliciousLife
    MyVickiliciousLife Posts: 5
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    Is there a Hospice in your area? I would call them and ask questions ... they can help guide you to the right decision for both you and your mom ... I am very sorry you are going through this and pray you all come to find peace!
  • Deedsie
    Deedsie Posts: 348 Member
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    It sounds like your mom has fought hard for these months, but she has not fought alone. You and your family have battled with her. Not at the same level but fought still the same. As so many others have said, it has to be what you are comfortable with in the time you are comfortable with it. Likely no matter what you decide, you will second guess yourself and it will be painful. Try to live in the moment.

    I have not been through this situation yet but if I live long enough, I will likely be making this choice for my daughter. I follow a mother whose child had the same chronic illness as my daughter but he passed away. I find her blog very helpful. You might go there and read some of her story: http://www.notsobrightandshiny.blogspot.com/
  • May63
    May63 Posts: 162
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    I watched my own Mum battle with breast cancer, that spread to her liver, bones and brain. She lost herself at the end, and was not sure who we were or where she was. In the last days of her life I would not have put my worst enemy through what she went through, in fact if the Dr had not 'made her comfortable' I am sorry to say I would gladly have put a pillow over her poor face to end it for her, I loved my Mum so very much, but the disease was taking her from me so painfully, so slowly and cruelly that I would encourage you to think of it as ending her suffering, rather than keeping her with you, her pain is greater than yours right now, I am sure, and although it is hard, make sure that you say all the things you want to say to her at this time, spend as much time as you can with her, as I would give everything I own to spend an hour with my Mum after almost ten years.

    I think that the pain you feel is the hardest pain to bear, but your Mother is suffering needlessly, allow them to ease her pain xxxxxx

    agree

    she will have no more Pain. at this time that would be a gift to her.

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