Do you mind when....?

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LaSutopia
LaSutopia Posts: 1,195 Member
in Chit-Chat
This has nothing to do with weight loss...just wanted some opinions..So I wanted to take a survey.....who of you who are in a relationship mind when your partner has a relationship with someone of the opposite sex? Like texting, calling just to talk. Bored or whatever. And as a side note you are not friends with this person nor to you even know anything about them.
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  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    There are so many variables, but if the relationship with the other woman interferes with OUR relationship (like he talks to her more than to me or talks to her about things he won't talk to me about), it's a problem. And, yes, if he won't even really tell you about her, THAT is a major red flag. Especially if it's a new friend, not someone he's known since before we met.
  • LaSutopia
    LaSutopia Posts: 1,195 Member
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    There are so many variables, but if the relationship with the other woman interferes with OUR relationship (like he talks to her more than to me or talks to her about things he won't talk to me about), it's a problem. And, yes, if he won't even really tell you about her, THAT is a major red flag. Especially if it's a new friend, not someone he's known since before we met.

    I like this. and you are right there are a lot of variables...I tend to think that if you have a good relationship and you have healthy friendships that don't hurt your marriage already and it is that hard to define the other relationship, why have it at all. I mean just avoid it all together if it is a risk at all...right? No new friendship is really worth it to me if it risks negatively affecting my marriage. He is way to important to me.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    Nope. If I had a problem trusting my wife, I wouldn't have married her.

    She is not with me, because I have her on a leash. We're together, because we choose to be. Want to be.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    For me, it depends on three things:

    - the other woman's perception of their relationship (Does she understand that they are just friends and/or does she have any interest in something more than friendship with him?)

    - how much time they spend together (If he's seeing her as much as he's seeing me, she ain't "just a friend.")

    - how open he is about his relationship with her (If he's secretive or dishonest about the time he spends with her, again, she's more than just a friend.)

    The man I'm currently dating has an ex-girlfriend with whom he still communicates from time to time. They don't see each other because she lives in a different state now, but he was upfront with me about her still being in contact with him on occasion. I told him then "You're a grown man, and I'm not going to tell you who you can and can't talk to." And I meant it.

    But I also draw a line at him being "friendly" with someone who doesn't respect boundaries. It is his responsibility to make sure she knows that he is involved with someone else and that there will not be anything but friendship between the two of them. If I ever find out she is not clear on that, then we are history. I have no tolerance whatsoever for lying, cheating, or manipulation. I'm not willing to risk being with a guy who doesn't care about me enough to put a stop to someone trying to sabotage our relationship.
  • NicolettetheGreek
    NicolettetheGreek Posts: 246 Member
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    My husband definitely:sad: minds, and I'd LIKE to say truthfully that i wouldn't, but i am really insecure right now, so I would mind.:explode:
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
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    My husband has no such relationships. And yes I would have a problem with it.
  • forgtmenot
    forgtmenot Posts: 860 Member
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    While I do trust my boyfriend and don't think he would ever cheat on me, I do think I would mind if he was spending time with another woman and calling and texting her. Especially since it would likely cut into the time he spends with me. I do not have any male friends either anymore, although I had several when we started dating almost 3 years ago.

    ETA: I tried to be friends with a guy at work recently, but he didn't understand we were just friends and wanted me to go out to eat with him just the two of us which I felt was inappropriate. I now believe it is nearly impossible to be "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex.

    Now, if my bf had been friends with a girl for many years I would not make him stop being friends with her because of me. Childhood friends are different IMO.
  • 11Jayme11
    11Jayme11 Posts: 194 Member
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    Truthfully.. I think I would have a problem with it.. especally not kowing her. Friends that you see at work, school and so on are fine.. but I think calling, texting and stuff are alittle uncalled for.. in MY BOOK. I think he would also agree with me. Its just asking for trouble. Its not becasue I dont trust him, its just an uncomfortable situation to be in. Having a "Personal" relationship with the opposit sex could potentially lead to further feelings and attractions, and im not willing to risk that. Im only human, I have feelings!
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    my boyfriend (who will be my husband by the time this happens) is going down to London see the olympics with a girl he used to work with - he is staying at hers overnight. i dont know her, have never met her, but i am not at all worried. i wouldnt be marrying him if i didnt trust him....
  • sylvuz323
    sylvuz323 Posts: 468 Member
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    My ex had friends of the opposite sex, I recall a few times arriving at his place and he happened to be on the phone with one of them. It was never a problem for me, cause I never felt like he was hiding anything...he would talk while in my presense and would pretty much always tell me who he had been talking too. I never had to ask, "who was that?"...he would disclose all. Even a simple text or email, which he got a lot of because he was self employed. I guess it just depends when whether your partner is being sneaky about it.
  • may62108
    may62108 Posts: 25
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    I didn't ever mind until I found pictures and read some of the secret messages.... If he tells you about them and is open and lets y ou read messages or even talk to that person lets you in on whats going on I don't think it should be a problem but like it's already been said its a problem when they don't share.. My soon to be ex husband was cheating and wouldn't tell me anything about the girls he was talking to.. I was never allowed to konw who he was texting or talking to. It was his "private life"... I think the only "private life" he should have had would have been the one with me in our bed in our room and what we did there... lol
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    Neither me nor my wife do such things with anybody of the opposite sex.
    It'd be just a matter of time before we both would end up knocking boots with somebody else.

    That's nature.
    It just can't be helped.
    You put two people of the opposite sex in a room, and sooner or later, they're going to have sex.
    That's reality.
    I just will not expose myself to such risks, and neither would my wife.
  • Tara4boys
    Tara4boys Posts: 515 Member
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    Have you never watched When Harry Met Sally???
  • MotorCityFemmeFatale
    MotorCityFemmeFatale Posts: 222 Member
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    Neither me nor my wife do such things with anybody of the opposite sex.
    It'd be just a matter of time before we both would end up knocking boots with somebody else.

    That's nature.
    It just can't be helped.
    You put two people of the opposite sex in a room, and sooner or later, they're going to have sex.
    That's reality.
    I just will not expose myself to such risks, and neither would my wife.

    this

    If I found out otherwise he can kiss my butt goodbye.
  • Natural
    Natural Posts: 461 Member
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    You put two people of the opposite sex in a room, and sooner or later, they're going to have sex.
    That's reality.

    i can guarantee you i wouldn't touch pee wee herman with a 10 foot pole. i'm just not that randy ;)
    there's a few people you can throw in there and i wouldn't touch them.
  • Doughgirl66
    Doughgirl66 Posts: 4
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    I don't think it is a wise decision to have a friend of the opposite sex. I was in your shoes a few years ago. He had friends that were girls and it didn’t really bother me until they started texting each other all the time and he started not answering the phone when I was with him and stuff. Of course started not trusting him and I found out it went way beyond that.. I hope it's not like that for you. Good luck.. :)
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    And as a side note you are not friends with this person nor to you even know anything about them.

    If you mean "know anything about them" in the sense that I've never met this person, but I know that he is friends with her, I'm okay with that, as long as he has established very clear boundaries with her. But him having a female friend who he texts and calls on a regular basis, and I don't even know she exists? Absolutely not. There's only one reason a man would not want you to know about a female "friend."
  • Tara1090
    Tara1090 Posts: 199 Member
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    While I do trust my boyfriend and don't think he would ever cheat on me, I do think I would mind if he was spending time with another woman and calling and texting her. Especially since it would likely cut into the time he spends with me. I do not have any male friends either anymore, although I had several when we started dating almost 3 years ago.

    ETA: I tried to be friends with a guy at work recently, but he didn't understand we were just friends and wanted me to go out to eat with him just the two of us which I felt was inappropriate. I now believe it is nearly impossible to be "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex.

    Now, if my bf had been friends with a girl for many years I would not make him stop being friends with her because of me. Childhood friends are different IMO.


    I agree with you on this. I too trust my boyfriend and all, but there is always that 1% of jealousy or fear that another woman might want a friendship to turn into something more. I dont trust women these days, they are awful LOL
  • Tara1090
    Tara1090 Posts: 199 Member
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    While I do trust my boyfriend and don't think he would ever cheat on me, I do think I would mind if he was spending time with another woman and calling and texting her. Especially since it would likely cut into the time he spends with me. I do not have any male friends either anymore, although I had several when we started dating almost 3 years ago.

    ETA: I tried to be friends with a guy at work recently, but he didn't understand we were just friends and wanted me to go out to eat with him just the two of us which I felt was inappropriate. I now believe it is nearly impossible to be "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex.

    Now, if my bf had been friends with a girl for many years I would not make him stop being friends with her because of me. Childhood friends are different IMO.


    I agree with you on this. I too trust my boyfriend and all, but there is always that 1% of jealousy or fear that another woman might want a friendship to turn into something more. I dont trust women these days, they are awful LOL

    I agree with you on this. I too trust my boyfriend and all, but there is always that 1% of jealousy or fear that another woman might want a friendship to turn into something more. I dont trust women these days, they are awful LOL
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
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    My guy tends to attract a lot of female friends because he has this big brother complex, he likes to treat them as little sisters and help them out. I don't mind since I trust him to tell the girl to back off if she's doing something inappropriate and they don't take up his time over mine. He'll shoo them off or, online, pretend to be offline while he's talking with me.

    The only time there was a problem was when we first got together, he had a female best friend that did everything short of arriving on his doorstep naked. She threatened me, seemed fine for a month, then had some fit because he was spending more time with me than her and she couldn't handle us even subtly flirting.

    But really, I don't see issue with someone being in a relationship and having friends of the opposite sex as long as it's established there is no attraction and the friend is not going to be top priority. You can still be a good friend without blowing off dates or just general time with your loved one. That aside I know some people have poor self esteem or problems that make them insecure or paranoid or something similar and if that's the case, that's something you have to work out with your partner. If my guy minded my guy friends and there wasn't a way to get around that, then we would compromise. I'd rather have him chaperone me than lose his trust by sneaking behind his back. Not worth it.

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