would it be crossing a line to...

2

Replies

  • 77tes
    77tes Posts: 8,469 Member
    Oh, give the poor doctoral student some flowers! My daughter is working on her PhD, and believe me the stress is unbelievable. How nice of you to consider it! Yes, say it is from her neighbors, but I wouldn't mention that you hear her crying. :flowerforyou:
  • DQMD
    DQMD Posts: 193
    I would do that but say it is from person in your apt number. Say nothing about hearing her cry. When I was doing my MS degree there was nights that I fell asleep at my desk doing homework.
  • sarahp86
    sarahp86 Posts: 692 Member
    Give her flowers... And cookies! Everyone loves cookies!

    It's a lovely gesture and if she asks why say you give gifts to friends and neighbours on valentines day for fun (not because she's alone)
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
    DON'T do it anonymously!!

    If I got anonymous flowers I wouldn't be able to sleep wondering who they were from. Stupid idea, personally. Or she might even get scared wondering if she has a stalker or something.
  • ELIZACAY236
    ELIZACAY236 Posts: 39 Member
    Go for it, but I agree that it should be anonymous.
    "Here are some flowers for you. I am always watching you"

    anonymous

    Like that?:wink:

    If I lived alone and got a note that someone was always watching me, I'd probably report it to the police! :laugh: Sorry, that would scare me a bit!

    I almost fell off the couch when I read this! Very good intentions but I agree, 'i am always watching you' may not be the right choice of words.
  • livinginwoods
    livinginwoods Posts: 562 Member
    I would do it! :flowerforyou:
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
    thanks for all of your responses! i was not even thinking of tomorrow being valentine's day - that's the perfect cover!
  • questionablemethods
    questionablemethods Posts: 2,174 Member
    DON'T do it anonymously!!

    If I got anonymous flowers I wouldn't be able to sleep wondering who they were from. Stupid idea, personally. Or she might even get scared wondering if she has a stalker or something.
    Yeah, I would just say who it is from. Her mind might really run wild if they are sent anonymously.

    As someone who just finished her doctorate and spent many an afternoon pacing in my living room and sobbing, I think this is a really sweet thought. :happy:
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    Sounds like she has bigger issues than the stress of her program. I get stressed but I don't scream and cry every day. That being said, I think an anonymous little card would be cute!
  • BarbWhite09
    BarbWhite09 Posts: 1,128 Member
    DO IT. Not anonymously but yea. Random acts of kindness can make a world of difference to someone.
  • LynseyJean
    LynseyJean Posts: 10 Member
    Well, I'm a single doctoral student. If my neighbors got me "pity" flowers or "sorry you're so stressed" flowers, I would be offended. I chose this route for my life. If my neighbors got me "just because" flowers I would be delighted. And if I got anonymous flowers, it would frustrate me because I would wonder who in the world had sent them and I wouldn't be able to enjoy them. That being said, I say choose the second option. :)


    I agree!! "Just because" flowers still let her know you were thinking of her. :flowerforyou:
  • skgilbert57
    skgilbert57 Posts: 4
    I vote give the flowers, but say yes to letting her know who its from. IIt would drive me crazy to get flowers and not know where they came from! And do NOT say "i am watching you" sounds too much like a stalker.:glasses:
  • cassondraragan
    cassondraragan Posts: 233 Member
    I think an anonymous gesture would really be nice. I think if she knew it was you she would be embarrassed.
  • serenity216
    serenity216 Posts: 512 Member
    If you are worried about how she will take it how about sending them with an anonymous note letting her know you are thinking of her?
  • KaleidoscopeEyes1056
    KaleidoscopeEyes1056 Posts: 2,996 Member
    Well, I'm a single doctoral student. If my neighbors got me "pity" flowers or "sorry you're so stressed" flowers, I would be offended. I chose this route for my life. If my neighbors got me "just because" flowers I would be delighted. And if I got anonymous flowers, it would frustrate me because I would wonder who in the world had sent them and I wouldn't be able to enjoy them. That being said, I say choose the second option. :)

    You don't have to put your reason for buying her the flowers, you can just put a note saying "Hey, I hope you have a good day." and I think it would brighten her day.
  • Sherbog
    Sherbog Posts: 1,072 Member
    Why not knock on her door...introduce yourself and suggest coffee.
  • chevy88grl
    chevy88grl Posts: 3,937 Member
    If I were going through something incredibly difficult, having someone leave me flowers would really brighten my day.

    I say do it. I don't think people care enough about each other sometimes and what you're planning would be very sweet.
  • funauntsherry
    funauntsherry Posts: 41 Member
    I think Valentines day is for friends too; and if she watches your house for you when you're gone, she's a friend, even if you aren't really close. I don't see any harm in giving her some flowers and just saying you appreciate her being a great neighbor.

    I totally agree... you've got an open door to be able to do something quite nice and brighten someone's day. I think anonymity would be a bit weird if I were the recipient. It would drive me bonkers trying to find out where they came from, but to know a neighbor appreciates me would make me feel quite right.
  • knk121
    knk121 Posts: 26
    I think this is a nice idea. My first year of my Ph.D. program I cried almost every day. And I'm a pretty well-adjusted person.

    You might also just want to invite her to do something some night -- come over for a cup of tea or watch some TV. Grad school can be really isolating if you're in a competitive rather than cooperative program, and if you're in a completely new place it can be difficult to make friends.

    Also, I don't know if you're affiliated with the university she goes to or not, but most of them have some form of counseling services available for free. If you're ever in a position to mention it without being awkward, almost everyone I know in grad school (including me) went to therapy for some amount of time, and it definitely helps.

    Anyway, it's very kind of you to think of something nice to do for her, so I wish you luck and a good week. :)
  • toabetterlifestyle
    toabetterlifestyle Posts: 230
    Leave her a nice note and flowers, but don't say who it's from.

    It'll brighten her day and let her know people notice her, and not make things weird between you.

    I agree with this. It's a random act of kindness and you never know how much it could mean to someone. I've been looking at this website called givesmehope.com, and you wouldn't believe how many people have done little things like that and have made an impact on someone's life and even saved some lives.
  • ucaminax
    ucaminax Posts: 157 Member
    That is so nice of you! I agree with most of the others...make them "just because" flowers for Vday, but not anonymous (might freak her out) and don't bring up the crying or anything about her being sad. The crying sounds may not be anything overly serious like she is really depressed all the time, it might just be her way of destressing after a tough day. If she knows you know, it might make her self-conscious.
  • Jennical
    Jennical Posts: 219 Member
    I think Valentines day is for friends too; and if she watches your house for you when you're gone, she's a friend, even if you aren't really close. I don't see any harm in giving her some flowers and just saying you appreciate her being a great neighbor.

    I agree 1000% with this. Anonymous and pity flowers won't go down well in my opinion. But "I appreciate your friendship" flowers will...
  • stefanieanne14
    stefanieanne14 Posts: 119 Member
    Go for it, but I agree that it should be anonymous.

    ^^this. That's very thoughtful of you!
  • quietlywinning
    quietlywinning Posts: 889 Member
    I am in the yes, do it, with a friendly, general note wishing her a nice day/week. No mention of her crying, and definitely not anonymous. That would terrify me. She may not be one to get nervous, but you also don't want to give her the idea there is a guy out there with romantic feelings for her - that would be disappointing, in the long run. "I enjoy having you for a neighbor" works well.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
    As a doctoral student who has cried loudly and embarrassingly on occasion, I think it would be nice to get flowers. Or a card. But the best thing is a person asking sincerely how I'm doing, and wanting to listen. It is stressful, especially when you're alone. Grad school has a way of separating you from others...always busy and tired, hard to visit family, and all your time is spent with the same lab people. If that's what you think her problem is, really listen when you ask about her day. She needs that more than flowers (although those are nice too).
  • tsherm3850
    tsherm3850 Posts: 353 Member
    Go for it, but I agree that it should be anonymous.
    "Here are some flowers for you. I am always watching you"
    anonymous

    Something like that?:wink:

    I think "I'm always watching you" is a bit like "stalker talk." She doesn't know who the flowers are from...just saying something like...."to brighten your day because we care" would be enough.
  • JennieAL
    JennieAL Posts: 1,726 Member
    Sounds like she must not mind too much that you can hear her screaming & crying, or else she'd be screaming into a pillow or in her car (not that she doesn't)... so I don't see that it would be too embarrassing for her if you gave her the flowers with a note saying Hi, and maybe a quick "let me know if you'd like to chat sometime over coffee" or something along those lines.

    I had a next door neighbor who vented very loudly quite often, but it was on the phone with her mother (yes, I could hear this and knew who she was talking to it was THAT loud). But I think she was the type who would have been embarrassed had I said anything to her...
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
    Well, I'm a single doctoral student. If my neighbors got me "pity" flowers or "sorry you're so stressed" flowers, I would be offended. I chose this route for my life. If my neighbors got me "just because" flowers I would be delighted. And if I got anonymous flowers, it would frustrate me because I would wonder who in the world had sent them and I wouldn't be able to enjoy them. That being said, I say choose the second option. :)


    I agree with this response. :)
  • george_ie_girl
    george_ie_girl Posts: 120 Member
    Don't do it. She'll be mortified and extremely embarrassed!

    That said, I do think it would be nice just to have a chat to her and offer some help - just don't let her know that your overheard her breakdown!
  • grinch031
    grinch031 Posts: 1,679
    Don't do it. She'll be mortified and extremely embarrassed!

    This.
    That said, I do think it would be nice just to have a chat to her and offer some help - just don't let her know that your overheard her breakdown!

    I wouldn't do this. I think she has a right to some privacy and doesn't need nosy neighbors butting in to her life. Not that the OP is nosy, but it could certainly appear that way to the student.

    Also, does the OP even know for certain that what they hear as screaming & crying isn't some other act?

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