Feeling like a horrible person.

kiwi1855

So I'm feeling like a total *kitten*. I managed to alienate a coworker of mine, and was totally unaware that I was doing so. She's now super mad at me, resentful that I've had some success losing the weight (we were about the same size when I started this), and decided to not sit in the same area as I do when we work together, and gets really angry if I try to sit with her. I know that I become obsessed with things, and I took a step back tonight and realized that this is pretty much all I talk about now. Losing weight has become my identity, and when I think about it, I don't talk about much else. I didn't realize how much it hurt her, and how much comments from other coworkers made to her about me hurt her. I don't know how to fix this, or what I should do. I feel horrible about it. I heard this all from another coworker, who is a mutual friend, and I feel bad that he was put in that position, but worse that the coworker who is angry at me was afraid to approach me about this. I wish there was something that I could do to help her self confidence. I wish I was more approachable. I wish this situation wasn't occurring. I understand her feelings, and they are completely valid. But that doesn't mean that I'm quite the heartless ***** I make myself out to be, and it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I need to find a balance. I need to find an identity, my identity, outside of this weight loss journey. Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? Is there a way for me to mend hurt feelings in this instance, or should I simply step back and give her space and hope that we can be friends in the future? I'm lost.

Alachofra15

I guess there's only so much you can do... there are always going to be people who are jealous and troubled by others' success.

As a co-worker, is it that important to make her like you again? For me it would be different if it were a closer friend/family member but it;s your call how much of an effort you want to make.

You should't have to apologise for your success, the situation may - or may not - improve if you back off a little, talk about it less, focused on other things at work.
Have you thought about what you're gonna do when you reach your goal? DO you have a plan to have your "weightloss" identity become something else like a "healthy lifestyle/fitness" identity?

fishndad

I'm sorry I don't have an answer, but you have made me realize that I talk a little to much about MFP & weight loss with one of my friends. I could see his expression change when we having lunch yesterday. I can see where this could be a problem for me as I go along. Thanks for sharing, it made me step back & look at myself.

kiwi1855

With working nights, and there being only the 4 of us rotating through the week, it is uncomfortable when there is a lack of harmony. And right now, it's more uncomfortable than anything else.

I do have a plan - I want to start doing triathalons, 5K's (possibly a half marathon?), and hike Mt Kilimanjaro the year I turn 30.

The problem is that's going to alienate her further. And although I can try to brush it off as a "that's her problem", that really isn't my style...

My temporary plan is just to stand back, give her her space, and shut up.

kiwi1855

I'm sorry I don't have an answer, but you have made me realize that I talk a little to much about MFP & weight loss with one of my friends. I could see his expression change when we having lunch yesterday. I can see where this could be a problem for me as I go along. Thanks for sharing, it made me step back & look at myself.

I wish I had realized this much earlier. But, better late than never, I guess. Although I'd give anything for "ignorance is bliss"... except it's not...

hippychickuk

Although not related to being on a weight loss journey, I've certainly been in situations where I had no idea what kind of impact I was having on another person. You may or may not be able to repair the relationship, and I agree with the above that you don't need to apologise for your success. However, if you feel this horrible, perhaps you should just acknowledge that you are sorry if thing that you have said have hurt this other person, and that you are sorry for that hurt even if it was unintentional. This is about your relationship, not about your weight loss.

Oh, and amazing job on your weight loss btw!!

SuperScrabbleGirl

Waaaaaait a minute: 'Some' success? You look like a different person. This is an incredible achievement and you should be proud.

Okay

That aside

I know what you mean. I've never been there myself, but I can see why this would be awkward. I think you need to approach her and say that you're sorry if your behaviour has alienated her. If it was me, I'd probably have given a few sarcastic comments and hoped you would have changed the record, but she hasn't done that, so it's up to you to do it to yourself. Admit that you have been obsessed with weightloss and healthy living, but also say that you are really proud of yourself and that sometimes you're so excited you get carried away.

This is probably coming from envy on her part, and if she is still a similar size to when you started, she might feel like she has no chance in getting there. Really what she should be seeing is inspiration, but the mind doesn't always work like that.

So, in summary: Approach her, apologise for your (possibly) obsessive behaviour, but be strong and and don't put yourself down. You've achieved something wonderful and you SHOULD be proud.

krevill

I don't feel that you have anything to apologise for, it is obviously her issue and she will find a way to deal with it if she want's to.

In the meantime when in her company just ask her about herself and try to discuss issues that aren't weight related once you have your relationship on track you will be able to discuss the differences between you.

busterbaby

I to, recently lost my best friend, because she has become a self centered witch. All she talks about is her running. The whole world revolves around her, and she has nothing to offer anyone, however, she gets furious when people turn their backs on her.
However, you do not sound like this at all. I have to admit, if I had lost the amount of weight that you had, I would be pretty full of myself!! I think that is normal.
It sounds, sadly enough, your friend is still on the diet roller-coaster and she is angry at you because she can't get off.
I think the only thing you can do is sincerely apologize to her, and if she can't accept that, then let it go.
Breaking free from negative relationships is a very hard thing to do, especially when you have a lot of time invested, and you weren't even aware that it was a relationship that you needed to get out of.
Best of luck to you!!!

paigele

I agree with Hippychick. Your integrity is calling you to make right an unintentional offense. Calmly consider the appropriate way to approach your coworker that will be well-received and apologize for being insensitive to her reaction to your success. Explain that in the joy of your accomplishment sometimes it is easy to lose sight of other things like encouraging others in their own goals.
I totally "get it." I had a former doctor of mine not recognize me yesterday when I ran into him. When he asked me how I lost the 60 lbs I simply said, "Lots of hard work." I reserve details now for those that are truly interested, though I admit on my part I used to promote the "how" at every opportunity. It is a testimony worth sharing, I think, and so excitement drives us to want others to have our joy. But for those that don't understand its implications it seems like an obsession.
I have a coworker that had surgical intervention and lost a great deal of weight, but has not had the level of success that different food choices would give her. If she fueled her body from a different source than readily accessible fast food chains she would see more benefit than she has. Still, all I can do is rejoice with her for the progress she has made and try to keep my own choices as under-spoken as I can.
For you, follow your heart, but as others have tried to say, you are not responsible for her response, only your own attempt to make right whatever offense may be on your side of the table.
(peace.)

Kymmu

Your obviously not heartless or you wouldn't care.
I think if you broach the subject and discuss it with the co worker it will all be okay.
if they could read what you wrote they wouldn't hold a grudge.
No one is perfect, everyone messes up. If you are sincere in your apology, you will be fine.
Do not stress!!
you are a good person!
P.s. when I found a great eating style and had success I was excited too. After a while my co workers began to ask for advice to help them lose weight. I know this sounds LAME but i started to make a meal and put a recipe with it in the lunch room for us to share, then after a while we took turns once a week making a meal to share. The meals had to follow our "rules".
I thought of this because i came to realise that one in particular simply did not know the first thing about cooking or how to cook a healthy meal, and was always buying fast food. We started walking for half an hour in our lunch break too. She learned a few new recipes and dropped a few kilos to boot!
Good luck!

suelegal

so....

1. Your obsessing about losing weight could also be called "being focused" although always talking about it is probably not so great for you!
2. You are not responsible for her self esteem
3. Instead of resenting you, and blaming you, she could have (should have) used your experiences and actions as her impetus and guide to her own healty weight loss.

You are not a horrible person for taking the action you've taken to get healthy and losing weight. What she is doing is a passive aggressive way to try to make you fail, rather than encourage you and maybe even join you. And apparently it's beginning to work.

So how about if you go to here (did you do this already?) and say something like "I realize that I have been very focused on my weight loss and have only been talking about what I'm doing to get healthy. It might seem obsessive to you and I'm sorry you feel that way. Want to join me? We can be obsessed together!"

Look in the mirror and remind yourself you are not making her think or feel anything. She is... You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. She is responsible for herself.

pagham

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JadeRabbit08

123 pounds lost? Thats inspirational and a lifechanging event.

I have only lost a few pounds and I am totally obsessed. I am excited about the changes to my energy how good I feel and all my future plans. Luckily I made a friend on MFP and we probably send each other 5 or so emails a day and obsess together. So that gives me a great outlet.

I apologised for being so boring and single minded to my mum this morning because yet again I was talking about calories. She just laughed and said thats natural at this stage.

Its our enthuisiasm that drives us forward to be successful and that need to be expressed. I am trying to be conscious that not every person in the universe is going to be enthralled by my blow by blow account of what my macros were today and if I made my alotted calories.

You work collague is unprofessional. She can't confront you on her problem but has no issues with telling everyone else? Passive aggressive much?
There is a possibility that no matter what you do to try and rectify this she will resent your success.The fact that it has got to this stage and this woman has not been grown up anough to simple say "look please dont talk to me about your fitness/weight loss unless I ask", gives me the impression that the drama will continue.

Maybe apologise for boring her and request politely that if she has further issues with you for the sake of a healthy productive work enviroment she addresses you on the issue concerned.

If you want to be a b*tch you could always buy her a humungous box of chocolates as an apology.

Do you have to sit next to her? Are you ready to except that simply your successful weight loss may be enough for her to never want to be friendly with you?

She sounds like a petty cow with a victim mentality and passive aggressive streak a mile wide. :devil: (Go on give her chocolates)

I think half of MFP's use is to stop us all boring other folk with our fitness talk.

kiwi1855

Thanks all. I still feel badly that my actions have caused her to react like this, and to feel the way she is feeling, although I'm starting to remember that she too has a choice in how she interprets and reacts to situations.

I don't have enough friends that I will ever willingly relinquish one, so I will be attempting to mend bridges, but I think I'll give her a bit of space right now, and let her choose when to try our friendship again. If she never wants to, I will be poorer without her, but life goes on.

pagham

I agree with Hippychick. Your integrity is calling you to make right an unintentional offense. Calmly consider the appropriate way to approach your coworker that will be well-received and apologize for being insensitive to her reaction to your success. Explain that in the joy of your accomplishment sometimes it is easy to lose sight of other things like encouraging others in their own goals. I totally "get it." I had a former doctor of mine not recognize me yesterday when I ran into him. When he asked me how I lost the 60 lbs I simply said, "Lots of hard work." I reserve details now for those that are truly interested, though I admit on my part I used to promote the "how" at every opportunity. It is a testimony worth sharing, I think, and so excitement drives us to want others to have our joy. But for those that don't understand its implications it seems like an obsession. I have a coworker that had surgical intervention and lost a great deal of weight, but has not had the level of success that different food choices would give her. If she fueled her body from a different source than readily accessible fast food chains she would see more benefit than she has. Still, all I can do is rejoice with her for the progress she has made and try to keep my own choices as under-spoken as I can. For you, follow your heart, but as others have tried to say, you are not responsible for her response, only your own attempt to make right whatever offense may be on your side of the table. (peace.)

You have an excellent way with words. Am new to this site so just trawling through a few messages, trying to familiarise myself with the website, but was impressed with your style of writing.

MarincicS

There's a part of me that feels like YOU should be offended by your co-worker's unsupportive behavior and her refusal to embrace and congratulate your success!

Having said that, i think the bit you might actually feel sorry for is the fact that she is alienated. Perhaps in a quiet moment you could just say frankly "It makes me unhappy you feel alienated by any of my behavior. I never intended to offend or upset you. Is there anything we can do to set this right?" And if she offers a suggestion, consider it if it works for you. If she doesn't, i wouldn't think there is much you can do.

Did she ever say anything to you along the way, like "can we focus on something else aside from your successful weight loss as it makes me feel uncomfortable?" Essentially, it seems to me you are taking full responsibility for everything in the relationship - especially what has gone wrong.

I think you might consider throwing up the white flag while still holding BOTH of you accountable for the course of your friendship.

jimmie25

I do have a plan - I want to start doing triathalons, 5K's (possibly a half marathon?), and hike Mt Kilimanjaro the year I turn 30.

The problem is that's going to alienate her further.

Your personal goals and dreams are really none of her business and you shouldn't give up on them only because she cant bring up the strength to manage her own life...

gailashton

I had a similar thing happen to me. We ended up going out to lunch and talking about it. I tried not to make it a big "me fest" and let her do the talking about how she feel. We are actually the best of friends now. This will only work if she will talk to you otherwise you can just do the best you can to be humble. BTW congrats on your weight loss. I too have found I am either a great motivator or people feel uncomfortable around me with my success. It's all about how they feel about themselves. It's not always about you, it's about how badly it makes them feel about themselves even if they don't admit it. KUDOS

flimflamfloz

Losing weight has become my identity, and when I think about it, I don't talk about much else. I didn't realize how much it hurt her, and how much comments from other coworkers made to her about me hurt her.

Look on the other end of the spectrum here is what you could consider:
- She seems unhappy with her weight, and seems to not do much to change this,
- You can't please everyone.

So, although I would advise having other topics to discuss about with people than food/weight loss, sometimes you just don't get along with some people.

starrybirdy

firstly WELL DONE for your excellent weight loss

don't let anyone make you feel bad for this and your new approach to healthy eating and don't feel that you have to apologize either

if this person is a true friend she may feel envious but she should ber pleased for you

give her a little space and just see how it goes

and well done for the running!!!! I can't run for a toffee!!!!!!! I prefer wii fit!!!!