Spousal Apathy

MrUgly

Here is the situation: My wife and I are both overweight. I think she qualifies as obese, but I'm not sure, I'm not very good at judging other people. She says she is under 300 lbs. I decided at the first of the year that I was tired of looking the way I do, so I have been mostly diligent at logging and watching what I eat. My wife tells me she is very supportive, but when I am making my meals, she will be cooking tortellini, noodles with gravy, eating ice cream while I am munching a veggie burger. Granted, I have lost almost 30 pounds, with another 30 to go.

How can I approach her? When I discuss her weight she becomes very defensive. The other problem I have (and this is more serious) I find myself being less attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, I just keep seeing her continuing down the same path and wonder if we are still going to be walking together later.

bellevie23

For one, I would not want my husband to call me fat (I know you didnt say that, just saying). If anything I would tell her you are really having a hard time controlling your urge to eat the foods you used too and ask her if she would help and do it with you, for your support..NOT her weight. Ask her to go for walks, I mean get "romantic" if you need to and plan a healthy picnic somewhere and go for a walk. I would probably get defensive too, and Im not meaning to say trick her, but I mean if you make her feel beautiful and then get her to eat healthy/exercise in not so obvious ways, it may help..

penelepurr

I'm not married, so I don't want to comment on that situation, but as far as having a sig. other who is not supportive- if you keep it up and continue to see your positive results, she may decide on her own that she can do it, too. I think being on the defensive is a common reaction when people are not ready for lifestyle changes and they may need to come to them on their own terms. Maybe start small, try to get her to go for a walk together with you around the block or something like that. So that it's not obviously "you know, you really need to start working out with me."

Fit_Mama84

I know it's hard watching her do what she's doing, but remember she may not be in the same mental place you are as far as weight. You were able to make your own decision and she should be able to make her own. She may not be ready to make that kind of life change yet. My advice to you would be to continue on your journey without worrying what she is doing. However, feel free to do exercises and invite her along. You could volunteer to make dinners for both of you so she can see what healthy and delicious foods are available. Invite her into your new lifestyle, but don't take away her choice. And lastly, my husband told me at one time that he loved me but didn't find me attractive anymore due to my weight gain. It crushed me, but I did work to lose weight for him and am continuing to do so. However, this comes at a price. Although I am back to my original weight of when he met me, the pain is not gone and the self esteem has not returned. I have a constant fear that he doesn't find me attractive still. This is a problem. If you do decide to tell her how you feel and she stays with you and works to lose the weight, I recommend to lavish compliments on her as she loses the weight. You will forever after need to reassure her that you love her on a much more frequent basis then you do now. I would also like to point out that "for better or for worse" means not leaving because you're living through the "worse" part. She may not be attractive to every aspect of your appearance either, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leave.

So there's my 2 cents

MB_Positif

Oh, I am so sorry! This is surely difficult. The reality is she is just not ready to make the commitment. My husband sort of got forced to follow my lead because I cook most of the food, but for nearly 8 months, he would still eat bigger portions and lots of snacks while I was really cutting back. Eventually he decided he was ready and is now more militant about it than I am!

Just to give some perspective, I am 5'-2" tall and when I joined MFP I was 185 pounds and I was considered obese.

junyr

Just as you did, she'll have to figure it out for herself and make the change for herself. I've seen too many people try to change for others only to resent them later for it or just relapse...

nopswd

I agree with penelepurr. If you keep at it and she sees your results then more than likely she will follow you. It happens like that quite often.

cbush0315

I'm not married, but I am in a long term relationship and I am female... I am over weight and my boyfriend is perfectly fit. He is naturally fit so he doesn't have a diet and doesn't care what he eats. It's a little frustrating sometimes to eat a turkey wrap and sit there and watch him eat a big fat greasy cheeseburger with fries. Anyways, I kind of know what you're going through so here's my advice:

Don't sugar coat it, but be as nice as you can be while being honest. Tell her you're concerned about her weight because it could have serious health risks later on in life. Do your research, and present it in a loving, caring fashion instead of a "listen, you're fat" (over exaggeration).

Hope that helps!

bellevie23

And just to add, maybe you can suggest yall make dinner together..not separately. You can choose the main course maybe and a side and her choose a side, that way if it is unhealthy it isnt consuming the whole meal and you get her to eat healthy meals. She obviously likes pasta, so do I lol, try and look up some healthy recipes (pinterest has nice ideas) and tell her you want to try some new recipes. I mean there are a million ways you could go about it with out directly talking about your wives weight. She isnt going to want to feel sexy again (not saying she isnt) if she feels you find her completely unattractive. I could tell after having our babies my husband seemed less interested, it upset me at first, but when he started complimenting me, I started trying harder to look better, and trust me, I eat anything, just in moderation, Ive lost 35 lbs in 9 weeks. If you do decide to do the grocery shopping for a while, I do suggest buying healthy sweets (like I have to have fruit salads, sugar-free pudding, etc) because I do have a sweet tooth. You cant expect her to join you, but yall maybe could meet in the middle.

daffodilsoup

What's that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?

Your wife has to decide to make the change on her own, and she doesn't seem to be ready yet. Keep setting a good example and offering to include her in things - workouts, healthy eating, etc - and she'll come to the other side

cygnetpro

I don't have any answers for this, but what alarms me (for you) is that a dear friend is currently going through a divorce over an issue like this.

She and her husband were heavy. She's really very heavy, and is surely in the obese range. He joined a weight loss contest at work a little over a year ago, and did great. He then got on board with getting healthier overall. She didn't. He's very lean and healthy now, and she is possibly even heavier than she was.

As a matter of fact, it did seem like she really resented his efforts. And according to her, their sex life really suffered, because he wasn't as attracted to her.

He ended up straying. They are currently divorcing.

I'm not saying for a moment that this will likely happen with you. But I think being on the same (or at least a similar) page in a marriage is so important. Maybe some frank, tactful discussion with her is needed?

BigDaddyBRC

When was the last time you both had a physical? A THOROUGH physical. If you share the same doctor, have him counsel you both on ALL possible health risks. Once you've done that, let it sit a day and then talk to her about BOTH of your current health status and focus on the (expected) length of time you have together.

If she doesnt care...she needs to. For not only herself, but your relationship. Life is precious and fragile...I know this far too well.

BigDaddyBRC

What's that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?

Your wife has to decide to make the change on her own, and she doesn't seem to be ready yet. Keep setting a good example and offering to include her in things - workouts, healthy eating, etc - and she'll come to the other side

I agree with said statement, only because you love her...give her that push/kick in the a$s to want to do it. It's very easy to get comfortable and think you do not have health issues.

lexidell46

My husband has been seeing me do this and it is working for me. he is slowly making changes in his eating habits now.

Symphony6

You really must give her time to come around. People cannot break addictions simply because someone says so. She must be ready to do it for herself.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with being an glaring example. Continue on your healthy path of self-improvement. Gentle encouragement to eat healthy and offers to exercise together should be about the extent of your involvement in her decision. It sounds like you guys are making two different dinners. You should offer to cook for her, and then make it healthy! I know that my hubby's more veggie friendly palette always helps me eat better.

623Hernandez

Keep doing what you are doing. She might see how much you enjoy your new choices and decide to try. Maybe walk together? Offer to cook dinner for her. Maybe she will find that she likes some healthy alternatives. I know my man is very athletic and I have no interest in street hockey, rock climbing, or mountain bike riding but, we can take the dogs out on long walks and hikes. I am even entertaining doing a 5k now. But it has taken 2 years of trying to change me for me to even conceder a 5K. It might take a while but she might come around. Invite her along and be a positive example! Don’t just keep pointing out her flaws because you do want her to feel good about herself. But maybe you want a reason to get out of the relationship.

cmeade20

I agree, you should focus on the health aspect of the matter not the attraction aspect. Just be frank and tell her you're scared she's going to have a heart attack or something health problem and you'll have to live with out her. That might be the wake up call she needs.

kcoftx

It is this simple. She can't change for you. She has to change for herself. If you put her on the defensive, it is more likely to backfire than help. She has to get to that point on her own.

As far as feeling the way you do, I understand. I'm struggling with that too but part of that is a response to our own changes. I have dealt with both ends of the spectrum. You basically have to accept the situation for what it is. Let it go.

Having said that, you can ask if she will walk with you, etc. Make it about helping you. Don't make it about her.

misslissa121

Ultimately it is her decision, but you do need to tell her how you feel, maybe not so much that you don't find her attractive, but that you have concerns about her weight. To be 300lbs is obese no matter how tall she is, it is actually probably borderline for morbidly obese. Offer to make a few meals for the whole family a week. In all actuallity she may have some issues that need to be taken care of before she can love herself enough make a healthy change. I would tell her that you feel she has an unhealthy relationship with food, and you feel that it will take her away from you before you have a chance to get old together. I would ask if she would allow you to help her, and maybe ask if she would like to see a psychologist. She could have depression.

time2bhealthy

I am going through the same thing with my husband. It is discouraging and difficult to see him go down hill as I get healthier. It is also hard to see him eating all of the tempting foods as I am trying to avoid them. I am looking forward to the comments on this thread. It will hopefully help me too. Good luck!

sevencallmemom

When I was 323 pounds (last Feb), my hubby (230) would say he was concerned about my weight, but he would tell me I deserved the junk food I wanted and eat it right along side me. Each time I would try and diet he would get mad and when that didn't work, he'd buy me junk food...I finally had to just do this whether he liked it or not. We would fight about it all the time, but I honestly had more important concerns than his happiness...like staying alive to raise our children.

About 50 pounds in, when people started to notice the loss, he finally started being supportive and said that he'd do this with me when I weighed less than him. Now that I've weighed less than him for a few months, I've come to the conclusion that he only said that because he never really thought it would happen. At first that made me mad, but now I just keep on keepin on and figure that when he's ready, he'll join me. I couldn't start this journey leaning on him and I can't finish it dragging him along.

JanetLM73

I'm married, my husband is in great shape...he worked out ever since I've known him, I became overweight after our first child. I knew I was overweight for many years. I can tell you that even though I saw him working out all the time, it didn't make me want to. I had to get into the right frame of mind. He has never called me fat, he has always been supportive. Us working out together has made our relationship stronger in many ways ;-)
Maybe you can find something you guys like to do together to get some exercise in, and maybe you can tell her how you are feeling in a non-judgemental way. Communication is key. I wish you the best of luck.

irishasian05

Hi there, I just posted a comment about this same issue last night, and I found a really great group of people to support me on MFP rather than looking to my boyfriend for support. Everyone's advice was along the same lines as the great people who have posted here. I know that it's frustrating to have goals and watch someone kind of undermine those goals just by their own actions, but remember that this is for you and your health. She may choose to join you in your journey, but she'll make that decision on her own eventually. If she doesn't, it's a conversation worth having about your attraction to her. It may not be what she wants to hear, but honesty may actually be the best policy in this scenario.

Feel free to add or follow me, and good luck with your journey! Keep up the good work!

Chloe_Chaos_

Not married but I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. When we started dating we were fit and happy and the last couple years (since his mom passed) we have wandered down this road of unhealthiness. While we have gone on crash diets together we have never ever made a lifestyle change. So one day I decided that this is what I was going to do: log my food, cut cals, work my *kitten* off because I was sick and tired of only being 22 and weighing too much. He didn't jump on the band wagon to begin with but I think once he saw I was making a real effort his interest somewhat peaked. Then I told him that I'm on the healthy train and he can jump on, if he doesn't I'm not looking back. We now love to eat well and flex at each other.

Understandably it's a lot different because the two of you are married. Try to tell her you want her to work out with you and you want her to join you on the journey to a better life. At some point it's not about being fat or overweight or not feeling skinny enough and it's about staying alive. You don't want to watch her kill herself.

But I like to think of being overweight or having a bad relationship with food as being addicted to a hardcore drug. You cannot force a heroin addict to quit, they have to WANT to quit. Same with someone who wants to get healthy, they have to WANT it.

I hope things work out for you. Looking forward to an update!

SophieB74656

me personally I like honesty from my husband. If I'm wearing something that isn't flattering on me I want him to tell me. If I ask if an outfit makes me look fat I want him to tell me honestly if it does. And he does and I swear I don't get mad. I mean if your spouce can't be completely honest with you who can? I think you should be honest with her

or you can say that it would really be helpful to you if she dieted together with you, or that it would be more fun for you. Mayeb sign up for some fitness class and see if she'll go with you "for fun"

AmberLiscous

Its possible that once you lose a significant amount more of weight that she will open her eyes and see how unhealthy she is being. She probably figures this is a phase you are going through .... but once she realizes how serious you are she will come around. Good luck!!!

As far as the "not being attracted" to her....I think this is common when it comes to this type of situation (sad but true)

jimmie25

You know, this is why I could never see someone who's obese/smokes/drinks/has any other destructive addictions.
People don't only stay healthy just because it looks good. You stay healthy also to be a healthy mom to your kids and wife to your husband. I don't want to see my partner die at 40 from obesity/drinking problem/ lung cancer/whatsoever, knowing they did that to themselves. I just couldn't watch them destroy themselves like that. Which means if all my support fails, I'd pack my bags and go. They need to make that decision for themselves, if they don't, they might not care about themselves enough to get better, so why would I. Sounds mean but I won't be miserable because someone has given up on themselves.

And yes, I have first hand experience with stuff like this and if you get too involved, it's gonna eat you up from inside. Been there, done that.

shanahan_09

I think once she sees you continuing to lose weight, and feeling more and more better about yourself--she'll think she better do something regarding her weight. I know I wouldn't want to be left behind if my hubby was on a great weight loss journey and I was staying stagnant.
Also, this is funny...I just bought a full length mirror, and was shocked at how I really looked...I shrieked to my husband "Why the hell didn't you tell me I was this freakin' heavy?". He laughed and said he did in a round-about way. I said if I ever get this big again, just tell me straight up..."Honey, you're fat". Hey, if you can't be honest and upfront with your spouse--then who can you be?
Keep focused on yourself. YOU are making yourself healthier everyday. Your wife has to come to terms with her weight in her own time.
Congrats on your weight loss so far!!

hbrittingham

I totally understand where you are coming from. My spouse is obese and hasn't done anything to try to change that. It's one of the many things that is ruining our marriage (20 years married). I was obese when I started this journey, now I am barely in the overweight category according to my height and weight. I work out 7 days a week and eat well. He has started cooking (he stays home) healthier options, but only because I told him I would start cooking my own meals because he was always sneaking butter, oil and salt into everything.

I can't make him change, but I am tired of hearing him lament all the high fat, high calorie foods he sees at the grocery store or ohhing and ahhing over a Burger King commercial. I am not that food oriented any more, so when he calls me at work to talk about what he wants to make for dinner (each and every ingredient because he loves to talk about food) or to ask me what I want to have, when I never care since I just eat whatever fits into my day, I get cranky! I call myself a b*tch quite often because I know I am. But we have grown apart in way too many ways.

mdebbie1026

The best way to change someone else is to change YOUR attitude/behavior toward them. IE: instead of nagging, find a trait that you adore in her, a positive behavior of hers that you can compliment her on. Give her time and be there for her when she decides to do this. It is very overwhelming when you feel like you have so far to go, why try??? Also, when you see an inspiring success with pics on MFP, casually mention how inspiring this is for you to continue and hold to your resolve to eat healthier and work out even when you just do not feel like it. You did not reach this decision over night and you can't realistically expect her to jump on board in a heartbeat. But as you get more inspiring and more complimentary to her, I think she will have more desire and it will then be you job to be her loudest cheer leader (to her level of privacy comfort that is.)

TNoire

Start by asking her what she thinks for a menu plan
Ask her to cook with you that way you guys can start eating the same meals
Ask her to go on walks with you or workout with you
Guys always lose weight quicker then females (lucky!)
If you don't have kids yet its good to get healthy cause it can mess up fertility
Write your list of reasons to lose weight and stick it on the fridge so she can see it
- live a long and healthy life with the Mrs
- long and healthy life with/for kids/future grandkids
- grow old together
- be healthy
- take away the risks of health issues in the future
- take away heath risks you have now

there is many reasons
she will soon follow

my hubby is very supportive hes eating more healthy now I don't expect him to fully workout with me hes at a good weight as it is and with his job hes always walking/running/standing everywhere but he will go walking with me every now and then or play the wii sports

it just takes time