Spousal Apathy

MrUgly

Here is the situation: My wife and I are both overweight. I think she qualifies as obese, but I'm not sure, I'm not very good at judging other people. She says she is under 300 lbs. I decided at the first of the year that I was tired of looking the way I do, so I have been mostly diligent at logging and watching what I eat. My wife tells me she is very supportive, but when I am making my meals, she will be cooking tortellini, noodles with gravy, eating ice cream while I am munching a veggie burger. Granted, I have lost almost 30 pounds, with another 30 to go.

How can I approach her? When I discuss her weight she becomes very defensive. The other problem I have (and this is more serious) I find myself being less attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, I just keep seeing her continuing down the same path and wonder if we are still going to be walking together later.

bellevie23

For one, I would not want my husband to call me fat (I know you didnt say that, just saying). If anything I would tell her you are really having a hard time controlling your urge to eat the foods you used too and ask her if she would help and do it with you, for your support..NOT her weight. Ask her to go for walks, I mean get "romantic" if you need to and plan a healthy picnic somewhere and go for a walk. I would probably get defensive too, and Im not meaning to say trick her, but I mean if you make her feel beautiful and then get her to eat healthy/exercise in not so obvious ways, it may help..

penelepurr

I'm not married, so I don't want to comment on that situation, but as far as having a sig. other who is not supportive- if you keep it up and continue to see your positive results, she may decide on her own that she can do it, too. I think being on the defensive is a common reaction when people are not ready for lifestyle changes and they may need to come to them on their own terms. Maybe start small, try to get her to go for a walk together with you around the block or something like that. So that it's not obviously "you know, you really need to start working out with me."

Fit_Mama84

I know it's hard watching her do what she's doing, but remember she may not be in the same mental place you are as far as weight. You were able to make your own decision and she should be able to make her own. She may not be ready to make that kind of life change yet. My advice to you would be to continue on your journey without worrying what she is doing. However, feel free to do exercises and invite her along. You could volunteer to make dinners for both of you so she can see what healthy and delicious foods are available. Invite her into your new lifestyle, but don't take away her choice. And lastly, my husband told me at one time that he loved me but didn't find me attractive anymore due to my weight gain. It crushed me, but I did work to lose weight for him and am continuing to do so. However, this comes at a price. Although I am back to my original weight of when he met me, the pain is not gone and the self esteem has not returned. I have a constant fear that he doesn't find me attractive still. This is a problem. If you do decide to tell her how you feel and she stays with you and works to lose the weight, I recommend to lavish compliments on her as she loses the weight. You will forever after need to reassure her that you love her on a much more frequent basis then you do now. I would also like to point out that "for better or for worse" means not leaving because you're living through the "worse" part. She may not be attractive to every aspect of your appearance either, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leave.

So there's my 2 cents

MB_Positif

Oh, I am so sorry! This is surely difficult. The reality is she is just not ready to make the commitment. My husband sort of got forced to follow my lead because I cook most of the food, but for nearly 8 months, he would still eat bigger portions and lots of snacks while I was really cutting back. Eventually he decided he was ready and is now more militant about it than I am!

Just to give some perspective, I am 5'-2" tall and when I joined MFP I was 185 pounds and I was considered obese.

junyr

Just as you did, she'll have to figure it out for herself and make the change for herself. I've seen too many people try to change for others only to resent them later for it or just relapse...

nopswd

I agree with penelepurr. If you keep at it and she sees your results then more than likely she will follow you. It happens like that quite often.

cbush0315

I'm not married, but I am in a long term relationship and I am female... I am over weight and my boyfriend is perfectly fit. He is naturally fit so he doesn't have a diet and doesn't care what he eats. It's a little frustrating sometimes to eat a turkey wrap and sit there and watch him eat a big fat greasy cheeseburger with fries. Anyways, I kind of know what you're going through so here's my advice:

Don't sugar coat it, but be as nice as you can be while being honest. Tell her you're concerned about her weight because it could have serious health risks later on in life. Do your research, and present it in a loving, caring fashion instead of a "listen, you're fat" (over exaggeration).

Hope that helps!

bellevie23

And just to add, maybe you can suggest yall make dinner together..not separately. You can choose the main course maybe and a side and her choose a side, that way if it is unhealthy it isnt consuming the whole meal and you get her to eat healthy meals. She obviously likes pasta, so do I lol, try and look up some healthy recipes (pinterest has nice ideas) and tell her you want to try some new recipes. I mean there are a million ways you could go about it with out directly talking about your wives weight. She isnt going to want to feel sexy again (not saying she isnt) if she feels you find her completely unattractive. I could tell after having our babies my husband seemed less interested, it upset me at first, but when he started complimenting me, I started trying harder to look better, and trust me, I eat anything, just in moderation, Ive lost 35 lbs in 9 weeks. If you do decide to do the grocery shopping for a while, I do suggest buying healthy sweets (like I have to have fruit salads, sugar-free pudding, etc) because I do have a sweet tooth. You cant expect her to join you, but yall maybe could meet in the middle.

daffodilsoup

What's that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?

Your wife has to decide to make the change on her own, and she doesn't seem to be ready yet. Keep setting a good example and offering to include her in things - workouts, healthy eating, etc - and she'll come to the other side

cygnetpro

I don't have any answers for this, but what alarms me (for you) is that a dear friend is currently going through a divorce over an issue like this.

She and her husband were heavy. She's really very heavy, and is surely in the obese range. He joined a weight loss contest at work a little over a year ago, and did great. He then got on board with getting healthier overall. She didn't. He's very lean and healthy now, and she is possibly even heavier than she was.

As a matter of fact, it did seem like she really resented his efforts. And according to her, their sex life really suffered, because he wasn't as attracted to her.

He ended up straying. They are currently divorcing.

I'm not saying for a moment that this will likely happen with you. But I think being on the same (or at least a similar) page in a marriage is so important. Maybe some frank, tactful discussion with her is needed?

BigDaddyBRC

When was the last time you both had a physical? A THOROUGH physical. If you share the same doctor, have him counsel you both on ALL possible health risks. Once you've done that, let it sit a day and then talk to her about BOTH of your current health status and focus on the (expected) length of time you have together.

If she doesnt care...she needs to. For not only herself, but your relationship. Life is precious and fragile...I know this far too well.

BigDaddyBRC

What's that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?

Your wife has to decide to make the change on her own, and she doesn't seem to be ready yet. Keep setting a good example and offering to include her in things - workouts, healthy eating, etc - and she'll come to the other side

I agree with said statement, only because you love her...give her that push/kick in the a$s to want to do it. It's very easy to get comfortable and think you do not have health issues.

lexidell46

My husband has been seeing me do this and it is working for me. he is slowly making changes in his eating habits now.

Symphony6

You really must give her time to come around. People cannot break addictions simply because someone says so. She must be ready to do it for herself.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with being an glaring example. Continue on your healthy path of self-improvement. Gentle encouragement to eat healthy and offers to exercise together should be about the extent of your involvement in her decision. It sounds like you guys are making two different dinners. You should offer to cook for her, and then make it healthy! I know that my hubby's more veggie friendly palette always helps me eat better.

623Hernandez

Keep doing what you are doing. She might see how much you enjoy your new choices and decide to try. Maybe walk together? Offer to cook dinner for her. Maybe she will find that she likes some healthy alternatives. I know my man is very athletic and I have no interest in street hockey, rock climbing, or mountain bike riding but, we can take the dogs out on long walks and hikes. I am even entertaining doing a 5k now. But it has taken 2 years of trying to change me for me to even conceder a 5K. It might take a while but she might come around. Invite her along and be a positive example! Don’t just keep pointing out her flaws because you do want her to feel good about herself. But maybe you want a reason to get out of the relationship.

cmeade20

I agree, you should focus on the health aspect of the matter not the attraction aspect. Just be frank and tell her you're scared she's going to have a heart attack or something health problem and you'll have to live with out her. That might be the wake up call she needs.

kcoftx

It is this simple. She can't change for you. She has to change for herself. If you put her on the defensive, it is more likely to backfire than help. She has to get to that point on her own.

As far as feeling the way you do, I understand. I'm struggling with that too but part of that is a response to our own changes. I have dealt with both ends of the spectrum. You basically have to accept the situation for what it is. Let it go.

Having said that, you can ask if she will walk with you, etc. Make it about helping you. Don't make it about her.

misslissa121

Ultimately it is her decision, but you do need to tell her how you feel, maybe not so much that you don't find her attractive, but that you have concerns about her weight. To be 300lbs is obese no matter how tall she is, it is actually probably borderline for morbidly obese. Offer to make a few meals for the whole family a week. In all actuallity she may have some issues that need to be taken care of before she can love herself enough make a healthy change. I would tell her that you feel she has an unhealthy relationship with food, and you feel that it will take her away from you before you have a chance to get old together. I would ask if she would allow you to help her, and maybe ask if she would like to see a psychologist. She could have depression.

time2bhealthy

I am going through the same thing with my husband. It is discouraging and difficult to see him go down hill as I get healthier. It is also hard to see him eating all of the tempting foods as I am trying to avoid them. I am looking forward to the comments on this thread. It will hopefully help me too. Good luck!

sevencallmemom

When I was 323 pounds (last Feb), my hubby (230) would say he was concerned about my weight, but he would tell me I deserved the junk food I wanted and eat it right along side me. Each time I would try and diet he would get mad and when that didn't work, he'd buy me junk food...I finally had to just do this whether he liked it or not. We would fight about it all the time, but I honestly had more important concerns than his happiness...like staying alive to raise our children.

About 50 pounds in, when people started to notice the loss, he finally started being supportive and said that he'd do this with me when I weighed less than him. Now that I've weighed less than him for a few months, I've come to the conclusion that he only said that because he never really thought it would happen. At first that made me mad, but now I just keep on keepin on and figure that when he's ready, he'll join me. I couldn't start this journey leaning on him and I can't finish it dragging him along.