Spousal Apathy
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My husband was the same way, he is super supportive of me and angling to lose weight to become healthier, but he would not follow in my shoes. I had come to the understanding that you can't change someone they need to change themselves. My husband kept asking me to quit smoking a few years ago, but I was not ready to do that and I continued smoking. One day I decided I didn't want to smoke any,ore, threw my cigarettes in the garbage and haven't picked one up since, that was two years ago, and I have no desire to ever do it again. Weight loss and eating healthy is the same thing, they need to be ready to do it. I tell my husband quite frequently that I would like for him to live a long life with me and leave it at that. Well Monday, he came home with an exercise bike and weights to add to our elliptical, and said he was ready to get healthy. He has been eating normal portioned food and working out. It has been such a nice change, although he would eat whatever healthy food I made he would eat too much, so it is nice to see him taking care of himself.
I guess what I am trying to say is explain to her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and if you work as a team you can both be successful at weight loss, but don't push her because she will do what she wants regardless, but at least you planted the idea.
Good luck!0 -
Here is the situation: My wife and I are both overweight. I think she qualifies as obese, but I'm not sure, I'm not very good at judging other people. She says she is under 300 lbs.
If the question is whether she is under 300 lbs, and you aren't with an 8 ft giantess, that is obese. Cmon now.0 -
Just to let everyone know that I *am* reading these. I don't want to be a poster that begins a topic and vanishes.
I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.
I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.
So Step 1) Lose weight
Step 2) Rebuild my body (I debated doing both at the same time, but I am trying to stave off my history of getting discouraged and diving into a quart of ice cream.)
Step 3) Professional counseling. I have almost 40 years of baggage. I am handling the things I can fix, then I will get help for the rest.
Step 4) School. I have a well paying that I hate. Why do I hate my job? I'm bored. I sit in my office with nothing to challenge me, and no way to advance my career. I'm IT, but I started almost 20 years ago, before people wanted degrees. I never got one.
Now you have the basic plan. Where the missus comes in is I see myself needing to grow and evolve and break out of the patterns I have made. What if I grow and evolve and realize that the man I become isn't in love the woman I married? It sounds angsty and a if set to music would make a lovely Country song, but I don't want to trade one miserable life for a completely new miserable life.
TL;DR: EEEEEKKK!!!!
Give huge credit to yourself because at least you're aware of all this. You're not blaming someone else for your angst, and you want to make your life better....that is HUGE for so many just settle, and never strive for the greater things.
I think I can speak for many of us who are overweight that it's a huge emotional toll. I know when I was in shape, I was a much happier person, very even keeled....nothing really bothered me.
All we can do in life is take it day by day. Don't fret about where you'll be once the weight is gone...you'll figure it out when the time is ready. Have you told your wife all of this? You guys may think we can read minds, but seriously we can't figure men out...and when we think we're close....NOPE!! LOL0 -
Ugh...this is so tough. At my heaviest, I was at about 175...I knew I had gained weight, but I had kind of been avoiding the issue. My husband was getting really healthy....I knew, deep down, that I should do the same thing but I wasn't ready yet and had some personal issues I was dealing with (infertility, hormone treatments, etc.). My husband kept his mouth shut...until one day we had a huge fight and, somewhere in the middle of the fight he lost control and made a comment about my weight. That was last summer...I was depressed for a couple of months over it but didn't do anything...but then I did. In a way, I'm glad he said something. He felt awful after saying it, and I felt awful hearing it...but it did have a little bit to do with me losing the weight....and for that, I'm grateful.
That being said, though...I am now at a perfectly healthy weight. My husband comments several times a day on how great I look and how much he loves my body, etc...but no matter what, the self consciousness follows me around. I can't help but think of how, less than a year ago, he was just kind of...putting up with what I looked like. Because he loves me. And that makes me so sad and makes me so hyper-aware now of what I look like. And that's really tough. He would take back what he said in a heartbeat...but once something like that is out there, it's out there. There's got to be a good way to handle a situation like that...but I'm sure I don't know what it is.
So I guess the only thing I can say is...tread lightly, friend. Some things, you can't take back. I would say just to keep doing what you're doing...maybe take over the grocery shopping so the house has less junk in it...do more of the cooking yourself if you can. She'll come around eventually if you keep doing what you're doing.0 -
I want to be loved for who i am- fat or thin, sick or healty, I call that unconditional love. If I have to be thin to be loved than I call that condtional0
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One time, a long time ago, my husband said, "if you ever got fat I'd leave you". I about killed him. He immediately backpedaled and said a bunch of bs like, "it wouldn't be because of your size, it would be because IF you got fat there would be something seriously affecting your psyche". WTF.
I have actually never been fat, neither before nor since meeting him, however I have never forgotten what he said, and it still annoys the crap out of me. Ironically, he has gained over 50 lbs. since we married; however he has recently lost 35 of it.
Anyway, I know he'd never leave me. I'm too damn sweet and it'd be too damn expensive ;p0 -
To the OP: Lol, I have been wondering the same thing...but the other way around, so I don't have a lot of answers.
But I wouldn't say anything. Too touchy a topic, especially for women.
ANd I agree with the poster who said that yes, she is obese, probably morbidly obese if she is just "under 300"0 -
I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.
I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image.
...
Where the missus comes in is I see myself needing to grow and evolve and break out of the patterns I have made. What if I grow and evolve and realize that the man I become isn't in love the woman I married? It sounds angsty and a if set to music would make a lovely Country song, but I don't want to trade one miserable life for a completely new miserable life.
I guess what you need to do is figure out what you need to do to connect this. And I would hope that you and your wife can figure it out together. Take the focus off of her for now and just tell her you really need her support and help right now. Bring her inside, let her honestly see where you are and what you're going through. She can't help you if you don't let her, and give her clear ways to do it.
Yes, it will be tough, especially if you've learned a behavior pattern where you're usually short-tempered. She is probably uncertain, not sure where this is going, is likely feeling very judged and may be passively resisting you, and she is DEFINITELY aware of your declining physical interest. (Which, incidentally, you shouldn't freak out too much about as it might be caused by nothing more than diet changes, maybe overtraining and you're probably also hitting midlife's hormonal shifts.)0 -
Wow this is an incendiary topic! This subject has come up often in conversations with my female friends. Years ago, my friend Joyce was a gorgeous, curvy 150lbs and her husband told her he wasn't attracted to her anymore because of her weight. He had some nerve because he was sporting a mushy paunchy belly and was developing a receding hairline. I have heard the same sad story from countless people over the years. I love my husband so much as a person that I barely notice the flaws that come with aging. He will always be the beautiful boy I fell head over heels in love with 28 years ago. I think he feels the same way. I weighed 115 lbs when we met and after Christmas this year I was weighing in at 217. He has never once made a disparaging comment and our sex life has never suffered. He calls me sexy and tells me that he loves my shape. I know I am fat and tease him about how he sees me through love goggles. Bottom line is love is blind but only when the people involved are confident and have good self esteem. I hope you can gently guide your wife for the sake of her health. It sounds like she is morbidly obese. But I urge you to not tell her that you aren't attracted to her. That will crush her. Tell her you need her to be healthy and that you are afraid that she may have a heart attack or stroke. If she likes yummy pastas and sauces...buy her a couple weight watcher cookbooks. There are lots of low fat comfort food options out there. With portion control and weighing and measuring foods, she can indulge in her favs and lose weight. Good luck!0
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As a married woman, who was overweight (at my highest 200lbs.) my husband never once told me I was fat even though I knew I was. Every single day he complimented me on one thing or another. I am sure there were many times he wasn't attracted to me but he kept that to himself and just loved me for better or worse. He never tried to get me to eat better or lay off of this or that. He is a gym rat and never hounded me to join him. But, he never made me feel left out of his life either - do you understand that? We talk everyday, laugh everyday. We are true friends. I finally decided to take control of my life, not because someone said so but because I was tired of being sick, having no energy, and feeling crappy about myself. I made the choice.
You have to choose to love your wife everyday, no matter what. Find the good in her and not focus on the obvious. Make her feel loved and cherished despite her weight. Find that love you once had and cling to it and eventually, she will come back to you. Start with a little kindness, compassion, and respect. Eventually, she will come around but don't make her feel like you have found this whole new life that she isn't a part of. Try to include her into your new found you, even if it's only talking to her about a something funny that happened at your gym (i.e. some weirdo on steriods, etc.) making it seem like it's a fun place to go. Now I love the gym and we go together often. Just don't give up on her and resist the urge to stray. Love her through it and she'll come out on the other side. And, I don't know if you are praying man, but pray about it and ask for help.0 -
I'm just taking a stab here, because I don't know y'all. But here's my take on it.
If you say you feel like you are less attracted to her, chances are she already knows that and feels unattractive. I can't tell you how depressing it is to be a woman who feels undesireable to your husband. We are constantly bombarded by messages from our society that we aren't enough...not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough mothers, not good enough housekeepers, not good enough wives...
Women who feel loved *generally* love and take care of themselves. Does she feel loved by you? Does she feel overwhelmed/stressed? Does she feel happy? Ask her these questions. Ask her what you can do to help her. Listen to what she tells you.
If she's having a hard time finding the motivation to take care of herself, be her knight and come to her rescue. Let her know that she's still beautiful to you and that she's valuable to you. Take care of her. Show her that she's worth taking care of.0 -
I'm just taking a stab here, because I don't know y'all. But here's my take on it.
If you say you feel like you are less attracted to her, chances are she already knows that and feels unattractive. I can't tell you how depressing it is to be a woman who feels undesireable to your husband. We are constantly bombarded by messages from our society that we aren't enough...not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough mothers, not good enough housekeepers, not good enough wives...
Women who feel loved *generally* love and take care of themselves. Does she feel loved by you? Does she feel overwhelmed/stressed? Does she feel happy? Ask her these questions. Ask her what you can do to help her. Listen to what she tells you.
If she's having a hard time finding the motivation to take care of herself, be her knight and come to her rescue. Let her know that she's still beautiful to you and that she's valuable to you. Take care of her. Show her that she's worth taking care of.
Well said and I totally agree. You put it better than I could express.0 -
Just to let everyone know that I *am* reading these. I don't want to be a poster that begins a topic and vanishes.
I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.
I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.
So Step 1) Lose weight
Step 2) Rebuild my body (I debated doing both at the same time, but I am trying to stave off my history of getting discouraged and diving into a quart of ice cream.)
Step 3) Professional counseling. I have almost 40 years of baggage. I am handling the things I can fix, then I will get help for the rest.
Step 4) School. I have a well paying that I hate. Why do I hate my job? I'm bored. I sit in my office with nothing to challenge me, and no way to advance my career. I'm IT, but I started almost 20 years ago, before people wanted degrees. I never got one.
Now you have the basic plan. Where the missus comes in is I see myself needing to grow and evolve and break out of the patterns I have made. What if I grow and evolve and realize that the man I become isn't in love the woman I married? It sounds angsty and a if set to music would make a lovely Country song, but I don't want to trade one miserable life for a completely new miserable life.
TL;DR: EEEEEKKK!!!!
The absolute best thing you could do at the moment is not to worry about her weight and focus on how to reconnect and become a better father and husband and focus on your own self-esteem. Part of this is likely to be a cover up for what's really bothering you about the relationship.0 -
Just to let everyone know that I *am* reading these. I don't want to be a poster that begins a topic and vanishes.
I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.
I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.
So Step 1) Lose weight
Step 2) Rebuild my body (I debated doing both at the same time, but I am trying to stave off my history of getting discouraged and diving into a quart of ice cream.)
Step 3) Professional counseling. I have almost 40 years of baggage. I am handling the things I can fix, then I will get help for the rest.
Step 4) School. I have a well paying that I hate. Why do I hate my job? I'm bored. I sit in my office with nothing to challenge me, and no way to advance my career. I'm IT, but I started almost 20 years ago, before people wanted degrees. I never got one.
Now you have the basic plan. Where the missus comes in is I see myself needing to grow and evolve and break out of the patterns I have made. What if I grow and evolve and realize that the man I become isn't in love the woman I married? It sounds angsty and a if set to music would make a lovely Country song, but I don't want to trade one miserable life for a completely new miserable life.
TL;DR: EEEEEKKK!!!!
When I didn't feel emotionally and physically safe I gained weight. For some being fat is a protective layer against the enviroment. Deal with the underlying issues not just the outward appearance. Judgement right now is not what your wife needs. Sounds like you have a very loyal wife if she has stayed with you despite your destructive behaviour. She deserves to be respected and shown affection for that loyalty. Your a lucky man.
You have been brave enough to comment on your shortcomings as a husband due to a short temper. The counselling move is absolutely awesome.
Its possible for you to have a great sex life, a loving marriage, and be a good dad, but your family needs to heal and learn they can trust you.
Living with an angry person takes enormous mental resources and is exhausting. When she feels safe and loved all that energy used to cope can be channeled into bringing postive energy into her life like making healthy choices.
Love is a choice, infatuation is about feelings, your already deciding not to allow emotion to be the deciding factor in your actions through dealing with your anger issues.
If a marriage is to extend over a lifetime only the most stagnant unnatural personalities will not experience change. So I dont see this whole I've changed and oops I am no longer in love with my wife as valid. You chose a lifetimes commitment then you also chose to cherish and act loving towards your wife. Emotion follows action. Action comes first. Only in immature relationships do people allow transient emotions that change daily to be the deciding factor on their actions.
I wish you, your wife and family the very best and happiest of futures. I think you are a man of courage and you can do this.
Kind Regards
JR0 -
I'm going to be the voice of doom, because sometimes stuff doesn't work out in a Disney fashion.
Some relationships are built around a symbiosis of faults. If you really are/were often a difficult and angry person (and kudos for realising and admitting it), and she stays with you, there's a reason she's doing so- you're feeding some destructive need of hers. Some part of her feeds off that negativity, a kind of co-dependency. The obesity goes with this; low self-esteem keeps people in bad relationships and it can also keep them fat. I'm not explaining this very well, but in short, some women are attracted to ********s, and stay with them no matter how nasty they are. We know that, right?
Based on my experience, if you sort your head out, becoming both leaner AND a more stable person, SHE may no longer love YOU too. You won't provide the messed-up love/hate/need relationship she feels comfortable with. She would have to go through a process of self-growth in order to relate to you differently. This would probably involve weight loss and getting healthy, not as a goal but as part of the process of growing stronger in herself.
You may simply be outgrowing the relationship.
I had a boyfriend once who was very into bodybuilding and martial arts. I was obese. I really really resented his interest in self-improvement. I almost pathologically put other people's needs before my own and thought caring for oneself was selfish. It felt narcissistic and shallow to me, and overly concerned with physical appearance which, as a fat person, I couldn't accept might be important. His attempts to improve himself made *me* feel judged. It took me ten years and a major depressive episode to come round to his way of thinking, long after I split up with him. Nothing he would have said would have done it. I had a lot of crap to work through, largely from growing up with parents who have the kind of relationship I described above.
It's quite possible none of this applies, but you know I wouldn't be surprised. I'm painfully aware that this sounds like therapist-speak-cod-psychology. I'm not a trained professional anything, just a fat chick who turned a corner. So take all this as you will, and best of luck.
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A year or so ago, my hubby was 10kg heavier - 36" waist, and I was around 6 kg heavier.
It was Christmas time and we had been going to so many functions and gatherings, Hubby living it up and throwing back the beers etc.
Well one night he took his shirt off and I spoke before I thought...I laughed and said 'you look like you are pregnant!' he stopped, looked in the mirror turned sideways and looked again.
I made a joke of it and told him I didn't care about how he looked I'd always love him etc...
I just think we were in a trap of thinking "middle aged spread " was normal.
Well now he has a 6 pack, we changed our eating habits together. We have had to get a lot of new clothes, but we are very happy with the way each other look now. I don't think it would have been so easy going it alone.
He plays a lot of sport and still loves a beer but most of the time we are eating really well. Being a man the weight just fell off him, it took longer for me.
Try to make a few small changes each week till they become the new normal. If you want to grow old together it has to be addressed.
Good luck!0 -
Hmmm... big, big topic.
I'll give you some perspective from the other side of this equation.
My wife and I were both morbidly obese... for a lot of years. About six years ago she made changes in her life and began to lose weight. Those changes scared me - made me wonder the same sorts of things that you are concerned about: would we still be compatible/like each other if she changed and lost weight but I didn't? Would we still be together if we both changed and lost weight? To quote Dana Carvey (as Garth in Wayne's World) "We fear change" - any change is scary, let alone such a big, drastic change.
My wife has lost over 70 pounds and has kept it off for over 4 years. The changes she made have us eating better and being healthier as a family all along the way.
I was supportive and as helpful as I could be at the time - sometimes moreso than others. I was afraid to change for myself as well. But what kept going was the love I had for her and our kids.
Eventually, her new perspective started to hit home with me. But I still didn't do much about my bad habits - eventually topping out at just under 350 pounds in 2010. Finally, I started to get more physically active... my health improved and I dropped 20 pounds. But it STILL took another year and a half before I was ready to make the big changes for myself.
Finally, around the first of the year my perspective changed and I've adopted a completely new relationship with food and increased exercise. I can't say exactly what changed - I'm not sure at all what it was, but I know that I was finally completely ready to change life. Now, I'm eating in a healthy way everyday - it no longer seems like a chore to plan and measure and weigh my food. It no longer seems like drudgery to exercise and work out.
It took a LONG time... and I am so grateful to my wife for having the courage to make changes in her life and break out of the self destructive lifestyle that we had... but I wasn't ready. She stood by me and helped me understand that her changes were for herself... it didn't have to put our relationship in jeopardy.
When I was ready to start making changes, she was there being supportive... encouraging when I succeeded, being compassionate when I failed.
Eventually, the switch flipped and I came around to wanting a more healthy lifestyle - for ME... not for her.
Now, I wonder at the years spent - wasted - in my old habits. But looking back I realize that there was nothing anyone could do to change me - I had to be in the right place to change myself.
My advice is to do what you are doing for yourself - that should be a primary motivation. If you are doing it with sincerity, love and compassion - for yourself and for your family - it will reap benefits. It may be frustrating if she's not ready to move on that road with you now, but don't alienate her. Be supportive, be an loving example of self care.
When she is ready, be supportive of her efforts and provide her with all the positive encouragement you can muster.
Best of luck... it sounds like you are off to a great start. I wish you well.
Ted0 -
Love your story Wombat. It is absolutely true. People don't change until they are READY to change for THEMSELVES.
Today I had a marine chick give me pointers on how to use weights. I have always had a barrier for exercise regardless of what my husband has touted before. It was not for me. I lost weight without it. I don't like it. I'm not doing it. Now suddenly that light switch went off and I'm ready. I lived next door to an awesome personal training for 5 years and he offered to help me tons of times but I wasn't ready. Now I've moved and wish I HAD been ready. This chick exercises all the time and LOVES it but admits she can't diet. I finally told her tonight, you CAN, you just aren't READY yet.0 -
Perhaps there might be other things in your relationship with her that could bring you back to the reasons why you are with her in the first place. There are many other sources of happiness in a relationship besides how someone looks. I was with my husband for over 20 years before we separated, so in that amount of time we'd been through many ups and downs obviously, but one of them was weight gain, on both our parts but at different times in the relationship. We both managed to support each other through those times and indeed went on to stumble through other issues. Try and look at the long term. She knows she is over weight, and the fact that you have chosen to better yourself will definately put the pressure on her. She may join in soon, she may not join in at all, but she is still the same awesome person that you married. Good luck!!! 0
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Many kudos to the poster
I suggest you read books by Steven stosny, great suggestions on how to emotionally regulate yourself, how to be compassionate, how to love yourself
He gives great tips on how to reconnect
Once a day send her a message that says I love you, daily
Don't belittle her, treat her like you would like to be treated
Do activities together
Bi weekly date nights
Hug each other 6 times a day, for at least 6 seconds
You cannot make your wife change, it has to come from within
But as a wife I would like to be forewarned
Most people especially women think that our spouses should love us whether we are thin or fat, the truth is attraction is biological
I wish you all the best, I hope things work out for you, sounds like you are aware of who "you" are, good luck.
Be compassionate and watch her blossom0
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