not about weight..but about a creepy guy..advice please

mnwalkingqueen

I wouldn't cuss him out. Who knows how unstable he may be. Doing things like that just makes me nervous becuase you really don't know how ppl are. I'd mention all this to your landlord. Tell them you don't feel safe.

I agree tell the landlord and document what is going on. If you prove a case of safety most landlords will let you out of your lease or get rid of the problem.

OutOfBreath

Do not get back at him in any form. While it may be satisfying to give him a good ol' "*kitten* you" or a face full of pepper spray, if you turn around and complain about him, you've given him ammunition against you. If you really feel a need to say something to him, blatantly tell him to leave you alone, his company is unwanted. If he persists after that, then you have a stronger case.

Like the others have said, make your landlord aware of the behavior. I'm not sure what the police could do at this point given it's your word against his and unless the guy does have a record of harassment or stalking or really just anything it will be dismissed, more than likely. I'll also echo the advice of having someone stay with you for a few days, not only to give you security but to be witness to anything he does, if he'll do anything with someone around.

I agree with THIS post. Having had to deal with the police in the last year or so. Do not pepper spray him for scaring you. If he physically attacks you, certainly protect yourself. Let your landlord know and speak with the police. While they may not DO anything about it , they have a record that you contacted them in case anything escalates and you have to contact them again.

I also agree with the person that suggested looking up registered sex offenders. Spend as little time by yourself as you can manage. You don't know what he is or is not capable of but you don't want to take any chances.

firesoforion

Please don't take my next statement wrong: Check what you are wearing (clothes) while working out--some outfits can make crazy guys crazier. I say this because I work on a college campus and some of the outfits these girls wear --well lets just say the outfits look like nothing more than tights, and not all of them are working out.

even with the disclaimer, this comment is inappropriate. Whatever she wears, is fine. Nothing she wears gives anyone the right to harass her in any way. Please do not further this victim-blaming mentality. This kind of thinking is why women tell themselves they won't report the harassment or rape they suffered because somehow their clothing means they deserved it. Nothing could be further from the truth. This creep is harassing her because he is a creep. NOT because of her clothing choices.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

xmissjasmine

1. Check to see if he has a record or is a sex offender.
2. Notify said landlord of any findings as well as anytime that he harasses you.
3. Purchase mase.
4.Get hand gun permit.
5. Purchase small handgun.
6. Contact law enforcement and register a complaint if nothing else, just incase and so they are aware of the problem. Could help if you ever need a restraining order.
7. Mase that dude STRAIGHT in the stinking face next time he decides to be a creeper.
8. Make sure you keep your handgun on you.



Feel free to omit 4,5, and 8 if you aren't as southern as I am...lol.

But seriously, that's what I'd do.

2jayjaysmom

Please don't take my next statement wrong: Check what you are wearing (clothes) while working out--some outfits can make crazy guys crazier. I say this because I work on a college campus and some of the outfits these girls wear --well lets just say the outfits look like nothing more than tights, and not all of them are working out.

even with the disclaimer, this comment is inappropriate. Whatever she wears, is fine. Nothing she wears gives anyone the right to harass her in any way. Please do not further this victim-blaming mentality. This kind of thinking is why women tell themselves they won't report the harassment or rape they suffered because somehow their clothing means they deserved it. Nothing could be further from the truth. This creep is harassing her because he is a creep. NOT because of her clothing choices.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

The comment was not inappropriate...I am a woman too and I do understand that harassing is not our fault nor was I implying that...The statement was made because sometimes people put themselves in harms way...Let me finish before you jump all over that statement...For example we must always think of our safety ---I see men and women jogging alone a lot in areas that are not well lit super early in the morning...while they do have the right to jog when and where they want to--it may not be the safest....All I was trying to say is to consider that some of the outfits might just might be what is making him stalk her....That is a question that I would ask myself as well....I was NOT implying that this is in any way her fault or that she deserves this treatment in any way.... this woman has the right to feel safe where she lives but she also has to think about her safety....if wearing a pink shirt is what is triggering this jerk to stalk her then don't wear the pink shirt----yeah yeah I know she has the right to wear what she wants to...but if not wearing the pink shirt might just might keep her safe then don't wear it--at least while you are working out alone outside where he is watching you....Yes tighter fitting clothes while working out does make it harder for some one to attack you--I am aware of that...All I was trying to do was to help her think a little bit more about her safety and maybe change some things that might just might help keep her safe just the way all of you are....

LorinaLynn

"Boys will be boys..." but he's not a BOY, he's a man and as such, shouldn't behave like a boy.

Contact your landlord and let her know what's going on, and contact the police for advice on how to proceed next. They may recommend something like a cease and desist letter, to have concrete proof that you told him his attention is unwanted and he should stop, before progressing further.

tammeegirl

Yep start complaining in writing.....make a written paper trail of complaints, with landlord?, owner of complex? property management company?with police?....the more people you let know whats happening maybe something can be done.
Then your landlord should start giving this guy written warnings to put them in his resident file, that way after 2 offenses of the SAME harassing behavior, they would have grounds for evicting him for breaking the rules of his lease. I am sure if you comb thru your lease and rules you can find something applicable ie., disturbing neighbors, harassing neighbors, etc etc. you can always find something that will work. I used to be in property management.....but landlord will not have a leg to stand on legally unless you first complain in writing and ask them POINT BLANK if they can give this guy a written notice? so then when he does it again, it will be in violation of that first written warning when he gets one more then they can evict.

Good luck.... LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, OUR GUT TELLS US THINGS AND OUR MINDS DISMISS IT....UR NOT OVERREACTING.

the_journeyman

1. Check to see if he has a record or is a sex offender.
2. Notify said landlord of any findings as well as anytime that he harasses you.
3. Purchase mase.
4.Get hand gun permit.
5. Purchase small handgun.
6. Contact law enforcement and register a complaint if nothing else, just incase and so they are aware of the problem. Could help if you ever need a restraining order.
7. Mase that dude STRAIGHT in the stinking face next time he decides to be a creeper.
8. Make sure you keep your handgun on you.



Feel free to omit 4,5, and 8 if you aren't as southern as I am...lol.

But seriously, that's what I'd do.

From a mountain/southern man:

If you're comfortable with 4, 5, and 8, I highly recommend it! My wife shoots a mean pattern with a .357 magnum, so I don't worry if I know she is home alone. She sleeps with it within reach, just as I do with my weapon. Obviously, and .357 can be intimidating to use, something like a .380 or .38 is great and not scary to learn to shoot with.

That aside, I'll reiterate my prior comment. Keep your landlord informed, be a best if you have to. The landlord allowed him to move in, so he may share some responsibility IF you bring safety concerns to his/her attention and does nothing. Document EVERYTHING. Grab a legal pad and keep everything noted daily.

Law enforcement likely won't do much unless it turns into stalking. Talk to them and keep them informed anyway.

JM

ArroganceInStep

Contact local authorities and see what would be required to obtain a restraining order.
Notify your landlord EVERY time something like this happens, preferably both in writing and in person.
Contact the police EVERY time you feel physically threatened (you may not be able to call them for him staring, but you can if he jumps out at you or hides behind your door).

Unfortunately, none of these things are a sure fire 'fix it' to your solution. But it may help.

I've noticed people mentioning guns and pepper spray and such. Those are possibilities, but if you do decide to get a weapon I would STRONGLY suggest investing in training for said weapon. Even if you don't, consider martial arts or self defense classes. I'm not saying you should have to fight this guy off in a battle to the death or anything (and you certainly should not be put in a situation where you would have to defend yourself as such) but they do help by boosting confidence, and that's something potential attackers will shy from. They will prey on someone they think is weaker than themselves.

Finally, one important lesson we also fall back on at my dojo (I've been in martial arts for 9 years now) is that the most valuable weapon in your arsenal is your brain (the second most valuable being your voice, if you are ever attacked scream your lungs off and do NOT be quiet). You should not have to change your life because of another person, but 'shouldn't have to' isn't going to help if you are ever attacked. Always be aware of your surroundings. Try to avoid dangerous situations where possible. That's extremely difficult if the person is near your home, but for example if you're coming home late from a bar or whatever, ask a friend to walk you to your door. Always keep your door locked. If you have a laundry room outside of your place or need to go grocery shopping, try to arrange your schedule so those errands are done during daylight hours, preferably when many people are around. It sucks, but it's better to have annoying logistics to deal with than to endanger yourself.

the_journeyman

if you do decide to get a weapon I would STRONGLY suggest investing in training for said weapon. Even if you don't, consider martial arts or self defense classes.

the most valuable weapon in your arsenal is your brain (the second most valuable being your voice, if you are ever attacked scream your lungs off and do NOT be quiet). Y

Excellent advice here!

JM

Ocarina

I would cuss him out if we were in an ideal world where you were completely safe to.

Since we aren't you need to do everything you can to get this taken care of. I would first talk to the landlord as she will definitely be worried about her own liability and would do anything to keep you there paying rent. Especially since you have been there longer.

Get a dog too if you can! I would especially if you are a girl and living alone.

If he keeps talking to you or harassing you I would let him know it's not appreciated and see if he backs off. If he doesn't then I would let the cops know and report him. Do it passively so he doesn't ever have a reason to really do something bad to you.

Good luck! Stay safe.

Tangerine302

If possible, it sounds like a good time to move. If you want to stay, I wouldn't hang around more than necessary in the stairways to allow him to watch you. Just go straight to your place without any other opportunities for him to watch, talk, or any other thing he decides to do. Another thing that would be good is for him to see you with another man. Have a friend come over a lot. He's probably been watching you and know you are single, etc. That might stop him trying to bother you. Even have someone from work come home with you. He doesn't have to know what the relation is to you, but him knowing that you aren't always alone is probably good. Just some things you can do starting today. As far as the gun- by the time you get a permit, learn safety and how to shoot it, would give him more time to act his crazy self. Just some things that can be done right now. Someone who isn't acting right now, you never know how he will react to you getting mad at him, etc. Stay safe and I"m sorry you have to go through this. I hope he moves!!!

I would also mention this to the landlord so they are aware of his behavior.

birdieintx

You have a lot of good advice on this thread and I especially agree with speaking to your landlord and filing a report with the police for harrassment/stalking. I also think you should consider speaking with your neighbors. See if anyone else has a problem with him you are not aware of and also you may find support among them and a willingness to help keep an eye on you and your apartment. And if anyone else is having problems with him (maybe the same as you or different) y'all can be a united front with your landlord and to get him to move.

and to add one more thing, do your best to keep a calm, strong, disinterested demeanor around him. Letting him know he is scaring or upsetting you will likely spur on his little intimidation game. Act like you don't give two sh*ts about him. As a previous poster commented, predators go after those who they perceive as weak or easily intimidated and overpowered.

havingitall

Have you asked him to leave you alone? The law wants you to try this sort of thing first. You need to be very clear that his attention is unwanted and that you want him to leave you alone.

If he continues to harass you afterwards, you have some ammunition. Keep a log of every thing he says or does and everything you have said or done to him with dates, times and places.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Nobody should make us feel scared or in danger...especially not in our own homes

CountryBoy65

Please don't take my next statement wrong: Check what you are wearing (clothes) while working out--some outfits can make crazy guys crazier. I say this because I work on a college campus and some of the outfits these girls wear --well lets just say the outfits look like nothing more than tights, and not all of them are working out.

even with the disclaimer, this comment is inappropriate. Whatever she wears, is fine. Nothing she wears gives anyone the right to harass her in any way. Please do not further this victim-blaming mentality. This kind of thinking is why women tell themselves they won't report the harassment or rape they suffered because somehow their clothing means they deserved it. Nothing could be further from the truth. This creep is harassing her because he is a creep. NOT because of her clothing choices.

I have to agree, and take it a step further...even with the disclaimer, this comment is BU11$HIT. I can not evern comprehend how, in this day and time, anyone could even think to make this type of comment regarding this situation. I don't care if you are wallking around topless in a thong, there is no place for this kind of behavior, nor this kind of commentary.

2jayjaysmom

@Countryboy65....you must not have read all of the comments, I did explain why I said what I said....so before you and the rest of the folks start attacking comments you really should read all of them and respect that others can and do think differently...So please explain why you all are taking this in a bad way instead of another option for her to look at to help keep her out of danger, like the comment was meant for. Why be on the look out for negative....
What I said came from a good place, and in no way implied that it is her fault for this crazy person to be stalking her.
If you are doing something that might put you in danger would you not try to change it? Notice I did say "might"....

Does it make it right--NO it doesn't she should not have to change it is her freedom to do as she pleases, however she did ask for help and that was just ONE of the things I said.....if changing outfits helps to keep her safe then maybe just maybe she might want to think about that....

You all should stop jumping so fast to think bad about things, there was no hidden agenda in what I said.
If she had said I go jogging in the dim lit park at 2AM and this man is stalking me....No one would have had an issue if I had said try jogging in a different place or at a different time.

Like I said before we all have the right do go and do what we please, however we still need to think about our safety....

ArroganceInStep

I have to agree, and take it a step further...even with the disclaimer, this comment is BU11$HIT. I can not evern comprehend how, in this day and time, anyone could even think to make this type of comment regarding this situation. I don't care if you are wallking around topless in a thong, there is no place for this kind of behavior, nor this kind of commentary.

There are things that people can do to help avoid a potential attack. That does not mean someone who doesn't do the things on the list is asking to be attacked, just that the person who does is taking extra precautions to stay safe. The problem arises when people impart inaccurate or misinformed suggestions to others. That can either lull someone into a false sense of security or perpetuate the ideology that the victim was somehow at fault for getting attacked.

With respect to clothing choice. It's actually pretty low on the list of things to do. The main reason it's ever even mentioned has to do with the risks it poses to the would-be attacker and not the sex appeal it gives to the wearer (someone in high heels would have more difficulty fleeing and the gait of that person tends to make them look more vulnerable is a classic example). Furthermore, the fact that the person in question is being approached at her residence takes away just about all claims to clothing being an issue. There are so many more important things that you could do to increase your safety levels than worrying if your top is cut too low.

Stay alert at all times. Have contingencies planned for emergency situations. If you come home and think someone has broken in what will you do? If you notice someone following you on your way to your house what will you do? Where is the nearest police station and how long would it take for them to get to you if you called in an emergency? If you do get attacked and are able to flee, where will you go and what route will you take to get there? Things like that. These aren't 'fun' things to think about but it's better to figure out the answers now than trying to on the fly when you're in the middle of a bad situation.

Whenever possible, avoid traveling alone and stay in well-lit and well-trafficked areas.

I hate the phrase, but "don't let yourself be a victim." It's got such bad connotations but I don't know of a better way to put it. Assault, especially sexual assault, is a very psychological thing. A criminal is going to prey on someone that they think is weaker, someone that they don't feel will cause them problems. It is important to remember that at all times. Avoid situations that would take you out of control (have your keys in hand and ready when walking to your car/door, plan routes you'll be taking ahead of time and especially at night, etc). It is OK to be afraid in an uncertain situation, but learn to mask that fear and give off a display of confidence.

No one deserves to be attacked. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take steps to increase your own personal safety though.

This is also not a women only issue. There are lots of scenarios that can put a man in danger too. Having a **** doesn't mean you don't have to worry about safety.

I've taught self defense classes at the community college near me and grew up in a law enforcement household. If anyone has ANY questions about this sort of thing feel free to message me. According to the CC, I have at least 2 college credits worth of info I can bore you with . A self defense class that you go to in person is obviously better, and I'm sure there are many people here as knowledgeable or more so than I, but I feel very strongly about this issue and would gladly help in any way I can.

ArroganceInStep

@Countryboy65....you must not have read all of the comments, I did explain why I said what I said....so before you and the rest of the folks start attacking comments you really should read all of them and respect that others can and do think differently...So please explain why you all are taking this in a bad way instead of another option for her to look at to help keep her out of danger, like the comment was meant for. Why be on the look out for negative....
What I said came from a good place, and in no way implied that it is her fault for this crazy person to be stalking her.
If you are doing something that might put you in danger would you not try to change it? Notice I did say "might"....

Does it make it right--NO it doesn't she should not have to change it is her freedom to do as she pleases, however she did ask for help and that was just ONE of the things I said.....if changing outfits helps to keep her safe then maybe just maybe she might want to think about that....

You all should stop jumping so fast to think bad about things, there was no hidden agenda in what I said.
If she had said I go jogging in the dim lit park at 2AM and this man is stalking me....No one would have had an issue if I had said try jogging in a different place or at a different time.

Like I said before we all have the right do go and do what we please, however we still need to think about our safety....

I'm not trying to attack you, but changing outfits will not make someone safer.

CountryBoy65

@Countryboy65....you must not have read all of the comments, I did explain why I said what I said....so before you and the rest of the folks start attacking comments you really should read all of them and respect that others can and do think differently...So please explain why you all are taking this in a bad way instead of another option for her to look at to help keep her out of danger, like the comment was meant for. Why be on the look out for negative....
What I said came from a good place, and in no way implied that it is her fault for this crazy person to be stalking her.
If you are doing something that might put you in danger would you not try to change it? Notice I did say "might"....

Does it make it right--NO it doesn't she should not have to change it is her freedom to do as she pleases, however she did ask for help and that was just ONE of the things I said.....if changing outfits helps to keep her safe then maybe just maybe she might want to think about that....

You all should stop jumping so fast to think bad about things, there was no hidden agenda in what I said.
If she had said I go jogging in the dim lit park at 2AM and this man is stalking me....No one would have had an issue if I had said try jogging in a different place or at a different time.

Like I said before we all have the right do go and do what we please, however we still need to think about our safety....

I did read the entire post, and I agree that we need to think about our safety....however I stand by the fact that the comment about how she was dressing was completely out of line and inappropriate. To insinuate, in any way, shape, or form, that she may be partially at fault for this perv's actions based on what she is wearing is wrong.

EmCarroll1990

@Countryboy65....you must not have read all of the comments, I did explain why I said what I said....so before you and the rest of the folks start attacking comments you really should read all of them and respect that others can and do think differently...So please explain why you all are taking this in a bad way instead of another option for her to look at to help keep her out of danger, like the comment was meant for. Why be on the look out for negative....
What I said came from a good place, and in no way implied that it is her fault for this crazy person to be stalking her.
If you are doing something that might put you in danger would you not try to change it? Notice I did say "might"....

Does it make it right--NO it doesn't she should not have to change it is her freedom to do as she pleases, however she did ask for help and that was just ONE of the things I said.....if changing outfits helps to keep her safe then maybe just maybe she might want to think about that....

You all should stop jumping so fast to think bad about things, there was no hidden agenda in what I said.
If she had said I go jogging in the dim lit park at 2AM and this man is stalking me....No one would have had an issue if I had said try jogging in a different place or at a different time.

Like I said before we all have the right do go and do what we please, however we still need to think about our safety....

I did read the entire post, and I agree that we need to think about our safety....however I stand by the fact that the comment about how she was dressing was completely out of line and inappropriate. To insinuate, in any way, shape, or form, that she may be partially at fault for this perv's actions based on what she is wearing is wrong.

This, and if I remember correctly, there was a girl who posted on here who was sexually attacked and was in sweat pants, which the Cops actually told her is a more common dress to be attacked in as it makes the assault easier. No trying to get her out of tight skinny jeans.

Please understand, people weren't trying to attack you, but that your comment was seriously uncalled for. Many women are attacked daily and should not have to feel that it was in any way their fault. I totally get that that's not what you were trying to say, but you have to understand that our points are quite valid.