How do I get him to understand?

Carl01

This is not the forum to discuss a serious issue like this.

It is quite possible it has prevented a domestic violence event.
Never minding that obvious fact who are you to say what goes and what doesn`t?
People need to get over themselves sometimes.

KJVBear33

This is not the forum to discuss a serious issue like this.

It is quite possible it has prevented a domestic violence event.
Never minding that obvious fact who are you to say what goes and what doesn`t?
People need to get over themselves sometimes.

This ^^........I understand that a serious issue needs to be brought to the right kind of attention, but sometimes people need help to find their way to that "right kind of attention" so as to get help.

skinnyinnotime

Seriously? Why is this post on myfitnesspal?

Because mental support is an important part of fitness too.

You really are lovely!

thirtyandthriving

i'm sorry to hear you are both struggling to make ends meet. He's probably feeling the same pressure, and alot of the time with men, they feel like they should be the provider, he could be feeling like he's a failure, and this could be why he snapped - although it's inappropriate way to do so. I would suggest counselling but I know that can be costly as well. Sometimes you can find free resources in your local community.

This is what I was thinking too. He is stressed out about not having enough money and is taking it out on you. It may not be right, but I think we are all guilty of it at least once in our lives. Maybe you can trying talking over what happened last night with him. I've been to counseling with my SO and yeah it helped, but it was only because we were actually communicating with each other. You can do the same things at home for free, then if it doesn't work seek professional help. Maybe try setting aside some time during the day to talk to each other even if it is just on the phone.

KJVBear33

i'm sorry to hear you are both struggling to make ends meet. He's probably feeling the same pressure, and alot of the time with men, they feel like they should be the provider, he could be feeling like he's a failure, and this could be why he snapped - although it's inappropriate way to do so. I would suggest counselling but I know that can be costly as well. Sometimes you can find free resources in your local community.

This is what I was thinking too. He is stressed out about not having enough money and is taking it out on you. It may not be right, but I think we are all guilty of it at least once in our lives. Maybe you can trying talking over what happened last night with him. I've been to counseling with my SO and yeah it helped, but it was only because we were actually communicating with each other. You can do the same things at home for free, then if it doesn't work seek professional help. Maybe try setting aside some time during the day to talk to each other even if it is just on the phone.

But she just said that he physically pushed her........called her names.......AND in front of the kids too. Not ok........it just screams abusive behaviors. I wouldn't want my kids or myself around that..........plus, it is NOT ok to be calling and text other women. Yeah, its okay to have a guy who has female friends.........but he's had escorts before, which says he was cheating on her.........so that makes it not okay at all. And not to mention the fact that all of that was behind her back too. I still say, time to leave.

BeautifulRedButterfly

why stay with him if he's physically abusing you and cheating?
I agree with everyone else on this forum!! You need to get out!
It's not healthy!! For you or your children!

dovesgate

I dont want to sound bad to you, but reading what youve just written, its sounds kinda harsh on him!

He has been told that his hours are cut - which to him probably makes him feel crud.
He has to spend all week away from you and the kids - which will make him feel like crud.
He has to spend all week relying on a friend to stay with - pressure on the friendship.
Wife wishes there was an easy way out - He can't wave a magic wand - makes him feel like crud.
He can't provide enough for his family right now - makes him feel like crud.
Pressure his job might disappear altogether - stresses him out altogether - there is no back up income.

I appreciate the fact that things are tough but when he's stressed out doing the best he can to provide for a family of five, little comments like that can set you off. I appreciate that running a household is hard work and he might not see how much you do during the day, but coming home at the weekend to get moaned at probably isn't helping him.

He probably appreciates the fact that deep down his kids are getting a great home life and that there is someone at home all the time, he probably really appreciates all the things you do for him but with the economy the way it is at the moment, alot of pressure is on him.

Sorry to be blunt.

Amen.

It is fantastic that you love and miss your husband when he is gone all week. My advice to you is to be supportive and loving when he comes home. Keep giving him love and attention - the scratches and serving him his dinner. Not because you are his slave but because you are his loving wife who is showing her appreciation for the hard work he is doing and the sacrifice he makes by being away from his loved ones all week long and struggling to provide for the 5 of you on his own.

It is a very difficult position to be in, to be the sole provider for 5 people. If his family can't pay the rent, he is responsible for them being homeless. If they have no food to eat, it is because he failed to feed them. If they have no heat or light, it is because he didn't make enough to keep them warm and comfortable. That is tons of pressure and if you haven't ever tried to support a whole family on your own, it is difficult to imagine.

This is not to say you are worthless because you are not. This doesn't mean your needs are unimportant because they are. But in a time like this when things are so hard, I think your most important job is to be your husband's helpmeet and allow him to relax when he gets to be home.

It would probably help ease his burden if you could either find a part time job or figure out a way to work from home to earn some extra cash. What skills do you have? You can post flyers offering childcare, a clothes ironing service, a typing service (for people needing essays or reports for school and the like). If you can find family or friends to watch your kids for a few hours here and there you could offer house cleaning services. Set up an eBay account and sell your extra or unneeded items there. Garage sales are excellent places to find little treasures to sell on eBay. You could sign up for a home-based sales job such as Avon, Mary Kay, Jafra, Tupperware, or Scentsy. There is usually a fee involved for the starter kits but usually they pay for themselves in the long run.

dovesgate

Yikes - I just finished reading the rest of the posts including where you say he started pushing you. Violence is not ok. Ever.

My husband and I have been through quite a bit over the years but the one place I would draw the line is if he ever got violent.

Pack what your kids need and go. Use the advice I gave at the end of my previous post to help you get started up the road onto your feet again.

KJVBear33

I dont want to sound bad to you, but reading what youve just written, its sounds kinda harsh on him!

He has been told that his hours are cut - which to him probably makes him feel crud.
He has to spend all week away from you and the kids - which will make him feel like crud.
He has to spend all week relying on a friend to stay with - pressure on the friendship.
Wife wishes there was an easy way out - He can't wave a magic wand - makes him feel like crud.
He can't provide enough for his family right now - makes him feel like crud.
Pressure his job might disappear altogether - stresses him out altogether - there is no back up income.

I appreciate the fact that things are tough but when he's stressed out doing the best he can to provide for a family of five, little comments like that can set you off. I appreciate that running a household is hard work and he might not see how much you do during the day, but coming home at the weekend to get moaned at probably isn't helping him.

He probably appreciates the fact that deep down his kids are getting a great home life and that there is someone at home all the time, he probably really appreciates all the things you do for him but with the economy the way it is at the moment, alot of pressure is on him.

Sorry to be blunt.

Amen.

It is fantastic that you love and miss your husband when he is gone all week. My advice to you is to be supportive and loving when he comes home. Keep giving him love and attention - the scratches and serving him his dinner. Not because you are his slave but because you are his loving wife who is showing her appreciation for the hard work he is doing and the sacrifice he makes by being away from his loved ones all week long and struggling to provide for the 5 of you on his own.

It is a very difficult position to be in, to be the sole provider for 5 people. If his family can't pay the rent, he is responsible for them being homeless. If they have no food to eat, it is because he failed to feed them. If they have no heat or light, it is because he didn't make enough to keep them warm and comfortable. That is tons of pressure and if you haven't ever tried to support a whole family on your own, it is difficult to imagine.

This is not to say you are worthless because you are not. This doesn't mean your needs are unimportant because they are. But in a time like this when things are so hard, I think your most important job is to be your husband's helpmeet and allow him to relax when he gets to be home.

It would probably help ease his burden if you could either find a part time job or figure out a way to work from home to earn some extra cash. What skills do you have? You can post flyers offering childcare, a clothes ironing service, a typing service (for people needing essays or reports for school and the like). If you can find family or friends to watch your kids for a few hours here and there you could offer house cleaning services. Set up an eBay account and sell your extra or unneeded items there. Garage sales are excellent places to find little treasures to sell on eBay. You could sign up for a home-based sales job such as Avon, Mary Kay, Jafra, Tupperware, or Scentsy. There is usually a fee involved for the starter kits but usually they pay for themselves in the long run.

I am sorry, but have you seen the post she put up about how she had told him how she was feeling by acting the way he had toward her? Im sorry if I sound niave........I probably am.........I've never been married in my life........but what happened to supporting each other even if one is strained because he is "feeling like crud" all the time? Just cause he feels like crud all the time, doesn't mean he can call and text other women like that, PHYSICALLY PUSH HER, and call her names. That is, above ALL else, abusive........no matter the situation. NO ONE has the right to make YOU feel like crud simply because you yourself feel that way and physically harm her too.

Being a good soul mate (or whatever you want to call it) is about expressing one's emotions in a healthy, calm, and collected way. Striving to hear AND understand where the other is coming from. And possibly even, if youre getting frustrated with them, having enough sense to take a break for breathing room and then coming back to say I am sorry.

I simply fear for her because he pushed things too far........treated her disrespectfully by calling her names, text/calling other women when they are supposed to be in a marriage together, getting physical with her, and not helping HER out sometimes. Its just simply not okay.........she needs to get out with her kids.

KJVBear33

Yikes - I just finished reading the rest of the posts including where you say he started pushing you. Violence is not ok. Ever.

My husband and I have been through quite a bit over the years but the one place I would draw the line is if he ever got violent.

Pack what your kids need and go. Use the advice I gave at the end of my previous post to help you get started up the road onto your feet again.

Apologies........strike what I said........still believe that she ought to take the kids and leave though and also meant every word of what I had said about being a good soulmate too! :flowerforyou:

cmriverside

Please leave.

Don't tell him you are going, it will escalate. Don't tell him where you are after you leave.

Please call a Womens' Abuse Hotline, right now. They will help you find emergency shelter for you and your children. If you have to leave with nothing, it is better than what may happen.

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING, JUST GO.



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edited to remove personal info....
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IrishMinx32

OMG!!! What an *kitten*!!! He is emotionally and physically abusing you. He has NOOOO business laying a hand on you, unless you wanted it. You need to make a choice that only you can make. I don't envy you, but things will only get worse from here if you don't take action. What he is doing is a learned behavior and if the kids are seeing this they will treat their significant others the same way or will be the way your being treated now. Look out for you and your kids, it will be the hardest decision you will ever make, but one of importance. I speak from experience. Right now it's only a push next it will be a slap and WILL progress.

There was an earlier comment about you being too harsh on him???? WHATEVER!!!! I totally understand the economy, ect. But after not seeing my family for a whole week??? I would not be fighting. frustrated at the situation, but not fighting. Now this leads me into something else thats got me thinking, Could he have found someone else? (I havent read all the previous comments, sorry if mentioned prior). He will not probably talk to you about this if you try. You should always follow your gut about anything. I hope this helped somewhat. I wish you the best of luck and remember you are beautiful and NO One can tell you different. Be strong. You and your kids will be in my prayers.

EmilyMarieMo

You guys BOTH need to read Love & Respect - The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs. by Dr. Emerson Eggriches. From cover to cover. And you both need to pray.

I understand what you are saying and I understand the sadness and frustration you feel. But you do BOTH have to makes changes in different ways to solve the problems. Good luck! I hope you find peace in your marriage and life soon! As well as financial help!

spicy618

You poor thing :flowerforyou:

Stop allowing him to abuse you and your children

You will probably get more support from the government once you are separated:

Food stamps
Subsidized child care
Sometimes job training

Do something. :flowerforyou:

Blessings to you

BeeElMarvin

I think it's fine for you to seek support on the message boards, but please be careful of any advice you get here. You should seek out advice from a knowledgeable professional. The folks here mean well, but they are making a judgment on a small portion of your relationship as you have presented it. It sounds like you might need outside help... don't rely on strangers who have little knowledge of the situation.

KJVBear33

I think it's fine for you to seek support on the message boards, but please be careful of any advice you get here. You should seek out advice from a knowledgeable professional. The folks here mean well, but they are making a judgment on a small portion of your relationship as you have presented it. It sounds like you might need outside help... don't rely on strangers who have little knowledge of the situation.

My advice plus this ^^.......very wise thing to advise!! I just felt that if you are being physically pushed in front of your kids no less and that you had told us everything he has done, that it sounds like a situation where you need to run to someone.......a professional.......and get you and the kids away from them. But that was only a judgement call on what was presented to me. So thankyou for this post Bee!!

elenathegreat

Seek professional,real life counseling.
Easy to say but hard to do but it sounds like the stress of work and money has undercut the relationship so begin maybe by trying to have a talk,tell him what you are feeling.
Hopefully that was just a bad moment and a new day will help but I am guessing you two are already well down the path to separation so maybe if both can be honest with each other about that the help you need will happen.

This, exactly. Hearing all your girlfriends group gripe with you is not constructive---if you really want change or improvement, you have to be proactive...if money's tight, call a social worker for help with free counseling in your area.

shasingalls

Seriously? Why is this post on myfitnesspal?

Because mental support is an important part of fitness too.
[/quote

So true!!