Has your spouse ever given you THE TALK?

caitlinsmom07

After being married 8 yrs and going through all the ups and downs of life and going through what having 2 kids can do to your body (I know this isn't the case for everyone, some people stay in fantastic shape during their child bearing years), my husband for the first time has told me he wants me to change. He told me last night that he wants me to be healthy and this is what got to me...he works out very hard and trys to look good for me and he wants me to do the same thing. I've been feeling a wide range of emotions from agreeing with him to feeling resentful.

So my question is, has anyone else received a talk from their husband/wife about their weight? Did it motivate or discourage you?

mummyzena

An ex did this and it discouraged me, he was rude about it though. I'm sure.your hubby meant well as he mentioned health rather than I wish you looked like... If hubby already tries to.stay healthy I'm sure he'd support you through it.x

Lauren8239

I haven't experienced it, but from what you say I would think that he wants you to be healthy so you will be around a long time and with him. Sounds like he loves you very much. :flowerforyou:

KANGOOJUMPS

NO!!!, but i sure as hell want to have the TALK with him!, he has let himself go, and does not care, he says i am obsessed!

Pawsntails

I haven't had this but you need to think. Has he said this because he's worried for your health or because he wants you to look better? If its the former then be happy he cares and suggest that you start exercising together as he obviously wants to help. If its the later then you have every right to be annoyed and you should do what makes you happy (as long as you try and stay healthy too)

chele1028

Hi,
Yes! I got that "talk" end of July 2011, and while I knew he was right, as I was unhappy being so overweight, and not healthy that way.. I agreed, but not after a good cry over it all. He explained he wanted me to be around for our little girls for a long time. So I got over it and the next day was Aug 1st, and it was a great day to start making a change for the better! So I re-joined the gym and went just about every day and still do.. I watched my calories, and then found this website in Sept. I have 107 pounds to lose.. and as of today, I have lost 55 so far! So I am doing it, and boy do I feel great! So yes.. it totally motivated me, and was the kick in the pants so to speak that I needed to hear to do so. Feel free to add me as a friend, we can do this!! You are not alone, and while he will be happy to see you get healthier.. YOU will feel even better for doing so.. do it for YOU!! :happy:

goodfido

I haven't had such a discussion with my husband but if I did I may feel like you, the wide range of emotions. But if you listen to what he said: he wants you to be healthy, to me that means he wants you around a long time to be with him and your children. It's OK to feel hurt, I think I would as well, but perhaps you could talk to him. Let him know you're hurt but that you do want to be healthy and if he works out a lot perhaps you could start working out with him. Not only would you be working on getting healthy but you'd be doing it together. If you can, get the kids involved as well. Go for hikes, bike rides, walks. They are great ways to get time in with your family and being healthy.

tabithajoyy

I have never recieved "the talk" before. BUT, when i started losing weight he sorta talked to me about keep doing it etc. I think he didnt wanna bring it up and have me blow up at him even though i know im clearly overweight. I dont think your hubby means it in a rude way. I think, like you said, he wants you guys both to be fit & i also dont think he means it like he's not attracted to you. I however would be emotional in a lotta different ways if it had happened to me even if he meant it in a harmless, kind way! I think though it would motivate me. Hubby & I both work out and try to eat somewhat clean right now, ITS FUN! I love having a partner thats "along for the ride". Its nice to see both our bodies transform. He is smaller than me and is much stronger/fit but he isnt at his best yet, nor am I! I am so excited to see where it leads though! If i were you i would take it as motivation and have fun getting fit with him

alj322003

oh yes

when I got married I only weighed 170 lbs and was in great shape. I now wiegh just under 250 My wife has given me the talk on several occasions and joined a couple different gyms in the last 7 years I have always been bull headed and when ever any one tells me what to do or what I should do I usually resist. a couple months ago my wife started to go to the gym and asked my to join her I resisted for amonth and a bit. but seeing her energy and successes finally agreed to join her. I have been goin for about three weeks and feel great dont let the naging in the back of your head that tells you not to stop you.

aj_gettingfit

No but I'm sure he wanted to talk to me many times.

Now after losing 40 lbs he's told me how he wished I would have done this sooner and how he was worried that I would keep going up in weight. He loves that I'm so into exercising and he sees me totally different now. He's loved me at all sizes but now when I walk into a room and turn heads he can be proud that its because of how good I look and not because I'm the 'big' girl.

BigBoneSista

My husband never had "the talk" with me when I was my heaviest (324 lbs). But when I started to complain about my health, how I was aching & how I looked in my clothes he would chime in about me getting healthier. I know in the back of his mind he would want me to look better and that never bothered me because who wouldn't want their better half looking their best. But I also know that he wants me to be with him and our kids for as long as possible.

The resentment you feel is a product of pride....it has nothing to do with what he said. You already know you are not in the greatest shape. It was the fact that he had the gall to say it to you. Look...you know what type of man you married. Don't allow your pride to cause unnecessary problems.

Good luck to you in your journey

caitlinsmom07

He was trying to say it in a nice way but I couldn't help but be a little hurt. But on the other hand I do know its true. He got heavy himself after we got married and then 2 yrs ago he started running and has never looked back. He is in the best shape of his life, and I am extremely proud of him. I tried to start running but during the end of my pregnancy and up until now (the little guy just turned one) I've been dealing with a painful case of plantar faciitis and running didn't agree with me. So I'm still trying to find something and stick to it. I know excuses, excuses.

But thank you for the respones. I helps to talk to others about it.

fionarama

my husband does and I'm glad, he really notices the improvements too. It s a postiive thing. How can you really love someone and not be worried if they are obese. They need to be able to tell you everything the good and the bad.
but my husband also supports me, he says he'll eat whatever I eat so I don't get caught cooking two sep;arate meals etc he works out too. we work out together I love it!
its got to be positive, if he wants to give you the talk he also has to be willing to help youmake changes, get active with you, help more with parenting so you can work out etc

bcattoes

No, but I've had it with my husband. I am constantly after him to exercise more. Honestly if he'd stick to an exercise routine I wouldn't care whether he lost weight or not. He is overweight, but not by a lot since we eat healthy most of the time, and he is very good looking. But I want him to remain healthy and I don't believe that is possible without regular exercise.

mummyzena

He was trying to say it in a nice way but I couldn't help but be a little hurt. But on the other hand I do know its true. He got heavy himself after we got married and then 2 yrs ago he started running and has never looked back. He is in the best shape of his life, and I am extremely proud of him. I tried to start running but during the end of my pregnancy and up until now (the little guy just turned one) I've been dealing with a painful case of plantar faciitis and running didn't agree with me. So I'm still trying to find something and stick to it. I know excuses, excuses.

But thank you for the respones. I helps to talk to others about it.

It's not an excuse, it's true. People lose weight in different ways because some diets work for them others don't so no point picking one and then give up a while later. You need to find one that you can manage for the rest of your life... Same with exercise good luck chick.x

azeria

I have had many different variations of a talk with my fiance. Sometimes I got mad, while other times I felt supported. He is learning how to approach things with me. I have also had similar talks with him about his health. He or I, never use the word weight or anything, but I have often said that I want him around for a long time. The way I see it, when you are in a relationship with someone and you love them, you should be able to have those hard conversations. In fact, it's important! I think of my dad that now had type 2 diabetes, my mom is always watching what he eats for him and gets mad when he had too much sugar, because sure does love him. I don't want somebody else to feel responsible for my health and I don't want to feel responsible for someone else's health either. So, discussing things before they get out of hand is important.

However, this is a very touchy subject and there is a right way and millions of wrong ways to say things. Bottom line is that the message must come from the heart and probably more indirect of an approach would be less insulting.
Such as: I want you to be around for a long time or I read this on MFP... What do you think?

MaggiePuccini

Wow that must be so tough, to be on the receiving end of that talk. It depends how overweight you are I think. I mean, bringing a few kids into the world is a big deal, and if he's expecting you to have the body of shakira after that, in your 30s and 40s then I'd be tempted to say, off you go mate, and good luck with shakira! but if you are comfort eating and you aren't even motivated to be slim and healthy then I guess, to be honest, I wouldn't find that attractive in a man. Still, I wouldn't do 'the talk'. I think I'd just be really passive and let them figure it out.... i think. That'd be awful too.

japruzze

Hasn't happen to me but I've been thinking about doing it to him! I lost weight because I wanted to live to see our grandchildren, retire and travel with him...At the rate he's going, I'm going to be alone. I don't care what he looks like...I love him and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm concerned that the "rest" is going to be all that long if he keeps on the road he's on. I haven't had the"talk" because I remember how resentful I was when anyone commented on my weight and health. I had to come to the "ah ha" moment on my own. You can't do it for him. You have to do it for yourself. But on a positive note...you know he's going to support you and help you because he cares about you!

soho71

Wow! I'm impressed at what seems like so many healthy marriages. It's great to have positive communication over the difficult issues. I love marriage!! Glad to see so many here benefiting from support of their spouses.

ShellyParrish

The nicest thing my husband of 23 years said to me after a lifetime of yo-yo dieting was "Babe, you look beautiful but i just want you to be as happy as you were when you were eating healthier, getting stronger by exercising and enjoying reaching each of your weight loss goals." He was right and it was nice to be reminded of what makes me happy and to refocus on that. Now, if he would of said, "get off you lazy bum and drops some weight or else" -- I would have tossed boxes of cookies at him on is his way out the door! 8-) Sounds like your hubby just wants you to be healthy for you, him and the kids. I'd take it with the good intention it sounded like he meant.

hapoo100

If your husband/wife/significant other has given you the talk, you are extremely lucky. It takes courage, love, worry, and care to actually help someone come to grips with something so sensitive. There is often shame involved, but you are here making a difference for yourself.

If your husband/wife/signficiant other needs the talk, try it. Even if they dont listen, trust me, they hear the message and understand. Even though the repsonse may be anger, its not intended for you, its often aimed at themselves.

Honesty rules.

iKristine

After being married 8 yrs and going through all the ups and downs of life and going through what having 2 kids can do to your body (I know this isn't the case for everyone, some people stay in fantastic shape during their child bearing years), my husband for the first time has told me he wants me to change. He told me last night that he wants me to be healthy and this is what got to me...he works out very hard and trys to look good for me and he wants me to do the same thing. I've been feeling a wide range of emotions from agreeing with him to feeling resentful.

So my question is, has anyone else received a talk from their husband/wife about their weight? Did it motivate or discourage you?

I think you should feel extremely loved.

I say this because, he obviously cared enough about you that he felt comfortable bringing this up. You have to understand how hard that must have been for him. Is not something that he just thought about one day.

On the other hand, I can see how this would be an issue. This isn't all about looking good for your other. This is about sharing in something together, having an other that supports and participates in what you value. This is a FUNDAMENTAL part of a healthy relationship. Period.

People say, oh I support you and such. While they sit at home on the couch. And somewhere along the way the belief is made that in "inaction" to interfere with anothers action. That this somehow equates to support. It does not.

An example I can think of is when I chose to go to college. My partner at the time, told me that they supported my decision. Accepted all the changes as to be a given. I gambled everything, sold the non essentials and funded the school all while the partner existed there with a smile.

But not once did the partner pay anything. Sell anything. Move anything. Make a single sacrifice towards the goal. Instead they chose to keep the same way they were as if nothing changed. But still they merely existed.

What would have constituted support, would have been anything towards the same goal. Maybe they bought a book. Went to school with me, thought to help in any substantial way. Would have saved the relationship.

In the end, who wants to work so hard towards something with someone who doesn't run the same marathon as you do?

That's just my inside thoughts. But I think the fact your even here, deserves a congrats.

monicamk1975

Hahaha no. He once said we were both fat (he put on weight with my pregnancy too) and I let him know that in no uncertain terms was it okay to comment on my weight. lol I was probrably 250+ that day. He never made another comment after that. My husband's a quick study...lol

That's as close to the talk as we ever got...lol I don't like people telling me what to do. I have to do things for myself.

I don't think I could ever lose weight for someone else. I had to do it when I was ready and done with being fat and unhealthy.

WingMan380

I have loved my wife through "thick and thin". When she decided to lose weight I have been very supportive of her.

My wife did suggest one time I get in shape and join a gym, so I did. 4 months later I told her this gym membership wasnt working, then she told me that I actually had to GO to the gym for it to work. LOL Who knew!!

Run4UrHealth

Wow! I'm impressed at what seems like so many healthy marriages. It's great to have positive communication over the difficult issues. I love marriage!! Glad to see so many here benefiting from support of their spouses.

AMEN!!! You do not see that a lot these days. I am thankful for a husband that supports me whether I am a size 6 or a size 16! Yes he wants me healthy but he would NEVER talk down to me about my weight but encourage me like he has been doing with my boot camp (even though he knows I am NOT a morning person...especially a 4:30 a.m. morning person).

Lexi1313

Congratulations on being married for 8 years firstly! I am not yet married but have been with my partner for 8 years and while we haven't had the talk he does try and steer me away from eating rubbish so it's kind of a indirect way of telling me the same thing. Whether or not he likes me slimmer, that's not the point, it's that I am so much happier, confident and fun to be around when I am slimmer and feeling good about myself. When I am feeling heavier, it reflects on our relationship, especially the intimate side of it. So I see it more of as my boyfriend wanting me to be happy, rather than slimmer - but a lot of the time with women they come together!

DreamiJeani

I dont know if it was definitly "the talk" but the conversation bordered on it. It was definitly less about my appearance and more about my health though. I know that much. I've had major post baby body issues and he finally spoke up about my mopey self loathing. Now almost a dozen races later I feel awesome! But I can also honestly say it was NOT all him that made me get up and go for that first run. Something just snapped that I didnt want to be that way anymore. I wanted to be happy again for MYSELF as much as for him.

abbigail_r

I think he means well. Sure hearing the truth is sometimes gonna hurt but sometimes that also what we need to be pushed. I am not ogod with how things come out but i would like to have "the talk" with my husband. He eats horribly he brings bad foods in my house a lot and he isnt serious about working out, although part of that comes from the fact he works a lot and I think he'd rather relax from work than come home and workout. I waited a very long time for him. I love him very much and one of my biggest fears is him not being here. I want to get as much time as I can with him. He is amazing. Take it as a motivator and get healthier. You can do this. Oh and children did a number to my body as well, youre not alone!

sjmgde

Yes and it did nto bother me. He was just rying to be helpful but guys canbe dumb when trying to explain things. He also said that he needs to start losing wieght together and that he wants to do it together. So its nice that i am not doin git alone :smooched:

Anomalia

I don't have a spouse but I have received "the talk" from my mother. It hurt my feelings at first but I am so grateful to her. I would much rather my mother tell me in private that I've gained a few than have a bunch of other people in public witnessing that I've gained a few.

KellyKAG

Regardless of the ups and downs in my marriage my husband has NEVER mentioned my weight. He tells me I am beautiful now and i was beautiful before kids (40 lbs less). He knows that is the one thing that would truely hurt my feelings. I have a scale, I can feel how tight my pants are. I dont need someone to remind me and make me feel bad about myself.