Curious question about weightloss and dating

katmix

I was talking to someone about this today, if a guy doesn't want me when I am at my worst then I don't want them around when I am at my best. I want a relationship where it's more about my personality than my appearance. If I'm not their type before then I just think they're a little shallow and all about appearances.

Playing Devil's Advocate...(and basing some of this off my own almost-26-year marriage)... As my mother told me when I was young, men are by nature, visual creatures. It is the way they are made - and most men, won't stick around to find out about your wonderful personality - unless they are attracted by what they see. (Of course there are exceptions, can't think of any guys I know that fit that, but I'm sure some men will post here!) Women, tend to be attracted by the men that have the pleasing personalities and confidence - and by what they hear (again, some women are attracted visually first)...

Does this offend me? Of course not! I love men and love that they are different (and think different) than women! While I lost this weight primarily for myself, and hubby has always told me I was beautiful no matter my size, I cannot even begin to say how my hubby reacted to me getting down to my "newly-married" weight this past winter...we'll just say he was very pleased!


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tiffnkailey

I would personally revenge smash and then never call them again.

lol awww.

hapoo100

most times weightloss improves confidence and that is the difference to me what is sexy. Bigger with confidence is sexier than smaller without, but that happens less often.

tmoyer1209

I wouldn't be interested. What if the weight came back, pregnancy, illness, etc? I would want the person to like me for who I am, regardless of weight change, although I do know that's not how most of the world works. Hey, I can be a dreamer. My husband met me about 5 lbs lighter than I am right now, still loved me and found me attractive 15 lbs heavier, and I'm sure that he will at goal weight.

nicehormones

I would flaunt my sexy body and never let them touch it because they don't deserve it.

tiffnkailey

This is a topic I have issues with. When I was a teenager I was very skinny, I looked like a barbie doll. I got lots of attention from cute guys. Well I got married at 18, divorced at 26 due to abusive marriage. During my marriage I gained alot of weight thinking it would keep hubby away from me. And also since I was married I didnt want to attract other guys. Hubby was a very jealous guy. After we divorced I was so used to a man. That I went on a dating spree that left me heart broken. I found that the cute guys only wanted big girls for sex. I am attracted to skinny men, just because it seems to be better with my body type in bed. I dk yes I have issues lol. Im working on them. My point. I have been so scared to lose the weight for many reasons. One I have alot of really hot friends at church. But none of them will ask me out. Because they are all realyl in shape. Im not. IF I get in shape, and they are suddenly interested in me. I don't know I kind of find that shallow? Or hurts my feelings. I gained this weight for protection. I have a beautiful heart and wished sometimes they would see through to my heart, instead of the outside package. But prolly overweight men think that way too. I also have been raped, 3 times before. So I am scared to lose my weight because I feel like I will be raped agian. Alot of male attention now scares me. So I have been abstinent for six months and haven't dated for six months either just working on me. Alot of my guy friends tell me I have it all wrong. That the girls most likely to get raped, or abused or whatever are the overweight ones, they said guys prey on them, because they think they are weaker. But in shape girls the guys would be intimidated of. I hope someday I can find the right man that will love me for me, and if I have some weight on me, he is supportive and motivating. Just my two cents.

kayla7303

I would definitely reject them, and I would not think twice about it.

martin_chicago

revenge
they should like you for you as a person not appearance

DameVenus

If you had interest in someone and told them but they rejected you because you were overweight but after you loss the weight they began showing interest in you would you turn them down or would you be understanding that they just have a preference and you now fit into their criteria?

Personally, I am not at my goal weight yet so I haven't really ran into situation.

Ok first to make sure people dont jump on me for this I just want to say I have met funny confident atttractive active large people HOWEVER....

I think more things change than lost kilos when a person loses a lot of weight. Many become more confident, outgoing, smile more at people, want to do active fun things. Confidence is very magnetic and catches peoples attention.

If when you where overweight you were selfconscious, lacking confidence, didnt smile at people because of those things and couldn't do much because your weight restricted you to 18 hours of online gaming well...which person that I have described sounds more attractive to you?

So don't knee the poor sod and call him a shallow b*stard when some guy you know finally asks you out, he may be picking up your " I feel good about myself vibes" and find you more approachable. (Until you scream like a banshee and knee him that is)
If your energy totally changes it will attract different people regardless of weight.

I didn't call anyone shallow. I said I haven't been in the situation that's why I didn't state my own opinion.

slightlycrunchy

If you had interest in someone and told them but they rejected you because you were overweight but after you loss the weight they began showing interest in you would you turn them down or would you be understanding that they just have a preference and you now fit into their criteria?

Personally, I am not at my goal weight yet so I haven't really ran into situation.

If they said they were uninterested because of the weight, I would not date them. What happens if you gain weight again? Would they stop wanting to see you?

caroleslaststand

This seems to be a big issue with a lot of us. I know I've thought about it for decades. My exhusband married me when I weighed about 170 (I was 5'2" at the time, I'm shorter now). He had a wonderful attitude and I was the one who was screwed up. Sometimes I've used men's attitudes as just another reason to stay fat: "since I'll never know if this is a guy who would love me even if I was fat, what good is it to lose weight in order to attract men?". Thinking about my ex husband, I feel assured that I would get to know a man well enough to know what his atitude is - is he the kind of man who would still love me if something went wrong and I gained some weight back?".

One thing for sure - I'm not even considering men until I've lost enough weight so that my face changes - I look so much older than I feel and, looking at what's available on the dating sites, I would be stuck with the dudes who also look old for their age and most of them are not my type at all. Actually, I have met one with whom I have a lot in common, and there's an attraction both ways, but he's so much older than me that he's started lying about his age on his dating site profile. He also is completely out of control with his weight and diabetes and I don't want to hang out with someone who isn't working on his own body as well. That's another topic for another time - why do fat diabetic men settle for impotence when they could work their way off the offending meds and be healthy and happy with a horny broad like me. ? huh?

well, not a topic for the under 50 crowd, so it might not get much play on this site.....

itsjustdawn

I would definitely consider dating them. I have a body type that I find attractive and am not interested in dating an overweight man. Hypocritical? I guess so. But I wouldn't expect anyone to be interested in dating me when I was obese, either.

I'm glad I'm not alone with the body type preference. Yeah it does suck to be rejected due to my weight, but I understand. Just hurts sometimes.

healthybodyhealthymind

No. Anybody who wouldn't date you while you were overweight isn't worth your time. Somebody should like you for you, not because of your looks. You're still the same person.

Elizabeth_M

Would turn them down, no ifs ands or buts about it.

That happened to my mom once when she was a teen - this guy called her a 'fatty' (or something along those lines) and then she lost some weight, and he asked her out.

Seemed as though he forgot what he said? She didn't.

AZKristi

Turn them down. What if I get fat again? I don't plan to, but it could happen.

KatKatatrophic

I'd tell them off about it. Make smart remarks, and then say "*kitten* you" and flip him off as I walked away.

feb06momma

I was talking to someone about this today, if a guy doesn't want me when I am at my worst then I don't want them around when I am at my best. I want a relationship where it's more about my personality than my appearance. If I'm not their type before then I just think they're a little shallow and all about appearances.

YES. This.

Kanohane

I'd tell them they weren't my type now that I'm thin lol....

AABru

I have had this happen. Told the guy to F off...I am more than my weight, and he is missing out.

Chloe_Chaos_

Personally, I would tell them to piss off. They had their chance.
However, the human species is seriously superficial. Partially because of the world we live in but also because we biologically desire to have the strongest mate to have a family. We're attracted to people because of their attractiveness to us and their perceived child rearing strength. Some may consider that over weight people or obese people are not ideal candidates for child rearing. I also believe that most people are psychologically attracted to people that look like them. I'm sure I could find a scientific study to site, alas, I'm lazy today lol

So maybe he now sees someone as a more preferable candidate to be with? If he's just trying to get down then tell him to get lost lol

That's just the way I think anyway.

nicholettebell

If you had interest in someone and told them but they rejected you because you were overweight but after you loss the weight they began showing interest in you would you turn them down or would you be understanding that they just have a preference and you now fit into their criteria?

Personally, I am not at my goal weight yet so I haven't really ran into situation.

Ok first to make sure people dont jump on me for this I just want to say I have met funny confident atttractive active large people HOWEVER....

I think more things change than lost kilos when a person loses a lot of weight. Many become more confident, outgoing, smile more at people, want to do active fun things. Confidence is very magnetic and catches peoples attention.

If when you where overweight you were selfconscious, lacking confidence, didnt smile at people because of those things and couldn't do much because your weight restricted you to 18 hours of online gaming well...which person that I have described sounds more attractive to you?

So don't knee the poor sod and call him a shallow b*stard when some guy you know finally asks you out, he may be picking up your " I feel good about myself vibes" and find you more approachable. (Until you scream like a banshee and knee him that is)
If your energy totally changes it will attract different people regardless of weight.

Huh... I've never thought about that before. I was on the bandwagon of "Tell him to shove off! If he didn't like you then, why should he like you now?" But what you said is definitely food for thought. I know that with my weight loss I am much more active and much more confident and I guess I have changed a bit. The way I view myself is I am still the same person but a better version of me.

Angela_Freeborn

I personally think if someone is not itnerested in you when you were "fat" as ignorant people would call it, then they are deff.. not worth giving a chance when you lose the weight! why bother giving them the satisfaction? If they didnt like you when you were or are big, then honestly they are looking to settle for all the wrong reasons.. its not the outside cover that makes you a beautiful person but rather your inside.. Yes i understand people have prefrences some like small some like big, some like red heads and some like skin color, but really if you think about it when does it become real? it becomes real when you get to know one another and create a bond.
My husband always loved me for who i am not what i looked like.. and to me thats a "REAL" man . And yes it has happend to me several times. And personaly im more of a revenge type of girl lol.

sarahc001

I think the most important thing here is how you feel about the situation. I agree that people are drawn to specific types (body, hair color, height, sense of humor, intelligence, or a combination of the above.) In addition, there may be what some people initially consider a "physical veto." Tough, and I may get slammed for this, but it's true. Some others may have an "intelligence veto." Or a "political spectrum" veto.

HOWEVER, the most important thing on your end is that you are entering this potential relationship with your pride and self worth intact. In any relationship the most important thing (IMHO) is being comfortable with yourself, alone, rather than looking to another for self worth. If you can enter an equal partnership with this guy, I don't think it matters that you are more physically appealing to him now that you have lost weight. Remember that this initial attraction may be physical, but for any relationship to stand a test of time, there has to be a deeper connection. If you have that kind of relationship (even if it started as a physical attraction) it will withstand other things that may take place with your body/health as time goes on.

The best thing is to make sure you are entering the relationship on your own terms...and if you like this guy, GO FOR IT. You have worked hard to improve your body, and if that means you become more attractive to the opposite sex and gain more confidence, then good for you. You have may have done this work for yourself but have earned a bonus in the process. No shame in that....

Rockontoothpicks

Well I can say for myself when I was at my heaviest no one was attracted to me not so much because of my size but because of how low I hung my head. So if someone is not attracted to you it may not be because of your size so much as how your size affected your self esteem. I know people who when they lost weight they gained confidence and swagger that made them light up. It wasn't their size but how they carried themselves. I know people who were twice my size but carried themselves in such a way that they had women all over them.

Awkward30

I would never want to date someone that wasn't physically attracted to me, that would be heartbreaking. So, I don't think it is unreasonable to not date someone you are not physically attracted to. On the other hand, I don't like acknowledging that I now look far better than I have for the past like 6 years, and I think in that way, the situation you described might hurt my ego, which might make me not really want to.

brittanylock09

Depending what the circumstance were.

Initially some relationships are based on physical attraction.

If we didn't know eachother that well when I'd shown an interest in them then my weight may have made them rule me out without them staying around long enough to find out if there was more to me that just that.

But if I'd known them a while and we were close, then they'd be no excuse for dismissing me based on my weight because they would have already known enough about me not to let my weight effect the decision.

That's the problem with society. Relationships, not even friendships, should start by physical attraction! It's through personality and caring for another person, no matter how he or she looks, that makes any sort of relationship work. If it starts out with physical attraction, the relationship is more likely to fail...

LifeLongJourney

I'm not sure if I would Reconsider them if they approched me after weight loss. I think it would depend on who it is. Though, I never been rejected because of my weight, so it's harder for me to put myself in that situation.

I think ultimately, after thought, I wouldn't. It would give me negative pressure to stay thin, or to get thinner in hopes of keeping the relationship togeather. I already give enough negative pressure on myself, I wouldn't need more.

twiztid_princess

I would personally revenge smash and then never call them again.

that is what I would do...

SarahL5689

I think big or small people have to come to a state of happiness within themselves. One of the biggest goals to achieve is loving who we are..and that is what we should showcase when we run into former flings and so on. Taking care of ourselves is something that people certainly let slide so much in life for so many different reasons and that is what we need to try to conquer. Ultimately it is US who has the control to eat what we choose and feel the way we choose. The BEST thing that anyone can see at the end of our weightloss journey's is a new found love and respect for ourselves..that we are willing to do what it takes to make the right choices so we can lead healthy long lives, and that we are IMPORTANT. I say don't worry about past love interests or negative energy...focus on the hard work and goals you've achieved that's made the best you come out and shine and I think all of us will experience life and love in ways we never could have imagined.

katmix

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Quote: "The way I view myself is I am still the same person but a better version of me."
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Love this! Definitely the way I feel...my exterior now matches the way I feel inside... (The way I USED to look...)

Reading some of the different posts, I have lots of questions. Some people have obviously had some pretty devastating situations, and have gained weight either as a result (eating emotionally) or as a protection against further abuse. Others may not state what has happened - but I sense hostility against opposite sexes (doesn't matter which) over that which is being perceived as a bias against weight, when I believe some of this is just biological nature at work.

Yes, I have a bias as to the personality, work ethic, and yes - even body type of the man I wanted to marry. Most people if they are honest would probably admit there are certain things they wouldn't tolerate - and that they have personal preferences. If a guy or gal is honest about it, it hurts feelings but in my book - it's still an honest conversation.


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