Relationship advice please :( - we're fighting about marriag

mischa_12
mischa_12 Posts: 126 Member
edited November 12 in Chit-Chat
This is so stupid :I My boyfriend and I have recently started having arguments about marriage which is funny because he used to be the one bringing it up every now and then!!

We're currently long distance and I haven't seen him since a few months ago but we've kept in contact every day, we usually have a really good and understanding relationship.

So the other night he was talking about his future plans about working in a different state etc, I'm being supportive and saying how good I think it is for him and I think he should go for it if he wants it! then I started having these thoughts like...wait a minute...how come I'm not even included in these plans? :o Having a bit of a freakout because I've been with him for a couple of years now and I am coming to stay with him for 6 months this year.

Hes clearly (not in a very nice way) stated he doesn't want to get married and he certainly doesn't want to commit himself to me just yet...which is FINE. I never pushed it but I did say that It would be best if I did my own thing a bit more when I come to see him this year, I don't want to get too attached...he went APE.

What can I do about this? I just wish things would go back to normal between us and there wasn't this ridiculous talk about marriage, he seems really mad :I
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Replies

  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    he used to be the one bringing it up every now and then!!
    .....
    Hes clearly (not in a very nice way) stated he doesn't want to get married and he certainly doesn't want to commit himself to me just yet...which is FINE.

    Could you please clarify:

    Did he used to bring up that he WANTED to marry you, or did he used to bring up that he DIDN'T want to marry you?

    If he used to want to marry you, why do you think he changed his mind?

    If he didn't want to marry you from the get-go, why do you think he keeps mentioning it?

    Good luck!
  • Bahet
    Bahet Posts: 1,254 Member
    I'm also a bit confused. It sounds like neither of you are looking to get married but you are arguing about it. Then it sounds like you say that he doesn't want a commitment even though you've been together for years but when you go there for 6 months he wants you to be committed to him. Am I getting that right?

    May I ask how old you both are?


    My hubby and I dated for 4 1/2 years before we got married. I was 19 and he was 25 when we met. I graduated college at 21 and was mature enough and ready to settle down with him. He kept putting it off saying he wanted to finish college first then it was that he wanted to get his career going first then he wanted to pay off all debt, etc. I finally told him "Look, I'm not going to wait around forever. Every time you accomplish one of these 'goals' you come up with another. Pretty soon you're going to be saying you want to collect your retirement first." We broke up so he could figure out what he really wanted. 2 months later we got back together and we were married a year after that. It's been 19 years this spring.

    The point of my story is that some guys want to have their cake an eat it too. He's got you as a girlfriend and doesn't want a commitment but he wants you to be committed to him. IMO that sounds like he wants the security of having you there while also being able to be single and date behind your back. If you don't want to get married either then that's fine but he needs to recognize that you don't need to have any more commitment to your relationship than he does.

    Another thought is that his "plans" are pure speculation. My hubby does that stuff a lot. It used to bug me or even freak me out when he'd talk about moving here or there or doing crazy things in the future. Now I just roll with it. Until it happens it's just speculation and if it does come up that he gets an opportunity to work in Dubai I can always decide then if that's something I'm willing to do and we can discuss it from there. Until then there's no point arguing over something that very well may not ever come to pass.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    What did you mean by "do your own thing" while you're there?


    Why do you want to get married if you're already in a committed relationship?
  • bkandisjj29
    bkandisjj29 Posts: 172
    My thinking is I would not go stay with him for those 6 months if, A) he is "going ape" over anything, B) if he is acting like he does not see a future with you. I hate where you said he just doesn't know if he wants to be committed to you or not. Girl, you deserve to have a man fight for you. Don't play his game. Don't be his back up plan, or someone he can slide into the backseat while he focuses on his career. You deserve to be a priority.
    This guy sounds like my ex boyfriend. My grandfather convinced me to say goodbye, telling me I deserved better, that I deserved a man who loved me with his whole heart. And he was right. I met my husband shortly after.
    You are on the right track, saying "do your own thing". But do your own thing at home, don't go be with him. Maybe if you challenge him, he will rise to the occassion and prove himself worthy of you. But if he doesn't, God has someone just for you. Best of luck to you!
  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
    My thinking is I would not go stay with him for those 6 months if, A) he is "going ape" over anything, B) if he is acting like he does not see a future with you. I hate where you said he just doesn't know if he wants to be committed to you or not. Girl, you deserve to have a man fight for you. Don't play his game. Don't be his back up plan, or someone he can slide into the backseat while he focuses on his career. You deserve to be a priority.
    This guy sounds like my ex boyfriend. My grandfather convinced me to say goodbye, telling me I deserved better, that I deserved a man who loved me with his whole heart. And he was right. I met my husband shortly after.
    You are on the right track, saying "do your own thing". But do your own thing at home, don't go be with him. Maybe if you challenge him, he will rise to the occassion and prove himself worthy of you. But if he doesn't, God has someone just for you. Best of luck to you!

    ^^ this.

    I think you seriously need to sit down with him and just find out what the future plans are, and whether you are included in them or not. Maybe explain that it's hard being apart and that you just need a little reassurance that everything is ok. You don't need to be clingy with it, I think everyone is entitled to know where they stand. You both seem to agree you don't need to be married, but I would be a little concerned if he'd gone from mentioning it as "i want to" to "going ape" when it is mentioned.

    If your relationship is as understanding as you say it is, he'll understand your concerns. If it's not....it may be time to think about what YOU actually want.
  • GymAnJuice
    GymAnJuice Posts: 512 Member
    My thinking is I would not go stay with him for those 6 months if, A) he is "going ape" over anything, B) if he is acting like he does not see a future with you. I hate where you said he just doesn't know if he wants to be committed to you or not. Girl, you deserve to have a man fight for you. Don't play his game. Don't be his back up plan, or someone he can slide into the backseat while he focuses on his career. You deserve to be a priority.
    This guy sounds like my ex boyfriend. My grandfather convinced me to say goodbye, telling me I deserved better, that I deserved a man who loved me with his whole heart. And he was right. I met my husband shortly after.
    You are on the right track, saying "do your own thing". But do your own thing at home, don't go be with him. Maybe if you challenge him, he will rise to the occassion and prove himself worthy of you. But if he doesn't, God has someone just for you. Best of luck to you!

    this - best of luck too :flowerforyou:
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Your 25. Move on.
  • hongruss
    hongruss Posts: 389 Member
    Relationships are TOUGH but the hardest thing is recognizing that they are over & it is time to move on! We invest so much of ourselves into each other/relationship & part of our identity becomes "US", but when it is over it becomes scary & you become fearful of where you are going & how you will manage.

    YOU said it, he doesn't want to commit! He is making future plans without you & is getting antsy when you mention the future. Believe me he should be looking for ways to keep you in his life & planning around the obstacles NOT CREATING THEM!

    I think you know all this & are just looking for reassurance, DON'T STAY, DON'T PLAY. I had an ex & I thought if I did this, if I did that & I ticked every freaking box for her & did all I could & I walked away TWO YEARS TOO LATE, because I had been making excuses & trying to find solutions BUT HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART - IT WAS ONLY ME MAKING THE EFFORT!!!!

    Russ
  • aimeemusic
    aimeemusic Posts: 73 Member
    It seems that this a fight that has little to nothing to do with your future as couple and more to do with the fact that he is comfortable with the idea of a "part time" relationship.

    I am also in a long distance relationship (for 2 years) and we are both working towards being together. He is finishing his PHD and to me school is important.

    The point being...you should be fighting to stay together. Marrige and all that other stuff comes second when it comes to these types of relationships.

    You both should be looking for a permanent future. I mean...WHy 6 just months? Why not from that point on stay together?

    Girl...I would not do it unless you know it is worth your effort and love. It sounds like he is not ready for anything deeper.

    I was in a situation with an ex, who wanted me stick around while he sorted his life out. We where together for 10 years (no children) and the last 2 I was his fiance but he did not want to work towards planning our wedding, nor moving from his family home nor shaping his carrear paths for our permanent future....it was all for him. He had everything and wanted my companionship but in the end I wanted more. I wanted him to put me first . It took a while to realize that I was not SINCE I HAD CONVICIENCE MYSELF he was THE ONE. But its me chasing a dream. It really hurt to realize that I was NOT satisfied and even harder to walk away when things are not Bad but you are truly not happy.

    You don't want to waste years of your life with someone who only has ambition for himself . We broke up and I ended up meeting my wonderful and current long distance relationship.

    Current, I know we both have the same goals this time, so the distance is just a matter of time for me now. Also Remember to love yourself more. It will make your partner value you more.

    Most men do not like to be challenged but decision are hard for them as well. He probably DOES care but in the end, you have to decide if its worth it for you, knowing that marriage is NOT is the plans. Trust me you don't want to pregnant (hey accidents happen) What if something like that happen? What would he do? Think of that situation...would you feel safe and happy?

    I am nearly 30 now so I think about this these things. I would of never considered a baby with my ex. It just was not in the cards. My new bf and I feel omfortable with that possibility in our future it seems like this will be a better mate for me.

    Listen...if you are taking about marraige already it means you like the idea of being with him. It's not "fine" he has changed his tune, its hurtful and unfair to you.

    This could be one of many signs that the relationship is not ready for more. Remember you needs need to be allinged with his....if not one of you will not be happy and that does not last for long trust me.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    This is so stupid :I My boyfriend and I have recently started having arguments about marriage which is funny because he used to be the one bringing it up every now and then!!

    We're currently long distance and I haven't seen him since a few months ago but we've kept in contact every day, we usually have a really good and understanding relationship.

    So the other night he was talking about his future plans about working in a different state etc, I'm being supportive and saying how good I think it is for him and I think he should go for it if he wants it! then I started having these thoughts like...wait a minute...how come I'm not even included in these plans? :o Having a bit of a freakout because I've been with him for a couple of years now and I am coming to stay with him for 6 months this year.

    Hes clearly (not in a very nice way) stated he doesn't want to get married and he certainly doesn't want to commit himself to me just yet...which is FINE. I never pushed it but I did say that It would be best if I did my own thing a bit more when I come to see him this year, I don't want to get too attached...he went APE.

    What can I do about this? I just wish things would go back to normal between us and there wasn't this ridiculous talk about marriage, he seems really mad :I

    The fact he made it clear what his plans are - sans you, and that you made it clear you dont want to get too attached because of his plans leads me to believe you are basically a friend with benefits (if you two are sleeping with each other) and that perhaps he is 'just not that in to you'....

    I wouldnt want to commit with someone like this... tons of red flags in my mind
  • heatherisom
    heatherisom Posts: 20 Member
    Sounds like he is just not worth it.
  • Helloitsdan
    Helloitsdan Posts: 5,564 Member
    Get a cat!

    They dont talk back!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    What he's really telling you is that he doesn't want to marry YOU. But he doesn't want to be single, so he's going to keep you on a string until someone better comes along.

    Sorry. :-(
  • JennaM222
    JennaM222 Posts: 1,996 Member
    The best thing I ever did was read, "he's just not that in to you"

    ;( sorry about the crappy situation...but when you find the guy thats WANTS to be with you, he will WANT to marry you.
  • NU2U
    NU2U Posts: 659 Member
    It won't work. He's not going to commit to you. You stated it's a LDR....so it's likely he's already doing "his own thing"......and you told him you wish to do the same (maybe just to get some kind of reaction from him....because you think that if his reaction was strong enough it means he actually gives a damn....but seriously, that's the wrong method).


    And obviously this relationship is NOT marriage ready..heck, you're fighting about marriage.....red flag right there!!
  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
    Get a cat!

    They dont talk back!


    Mine does -.-
  • Skeemer118
    Skeemer118 Posts: 397 Member
    My thinking is I would not go stay with him for those 6 months if, A) he is "going ape" over anything, B) if he is acting like he does not see a future with you. I hate where you said he just doesn't know if he wants to be committed to you or not. Girl, you deserve to have a man fight for you. Don't play his game. Don't be his back up plan, or someone he can slide into the backseat while he focuses on his career. You deserve to be a priority.
    This guy sounds like my ex boyfriend. My grandfather convinced me to say goodbye, telling me I deserved better, that I deserved a man who loved me with his whole heart. And he was right. I met my husband shortly after.
    You are on the right track, saying "do your own thing". But do your own thing at home, don't go be with him. Maybe if you challenge him, he will rise to the occassion and prove himself worthy of you. But if he doesn't, God has someone just for you. Best of luck to you!

    ^^ this.

    I think you seriously need to sit down with him and just find out what the future plans are, and whether you are included in them or not. Maybe explain that it's hard being apart and that you just need a little reassurance that everything is ok. You don't need to be clingy with it, I think everyone is entitled to know where they stand. You both seem to agree you don't need to be married, but I would be a little concerned if he'd gone from mentioning it as "i want to" to "going ape" when it is mentioned.

    If your relationship is as understanding as you say it is, he'll understand your concerns. If it's not....it may be time to think about what YOU actually want.

    ^This & ^^This :)
  • Skeemer118
    Skeemer118 Posts: 397 Member
    What he's really telling you is that he doesn't want to marry YOU. But he doesn't want to be single, so he's going to keep you on a string until someone better comes along.

    Sorry. :-(

    Yup. Agreed.
  • kanmuri
    kanmuri Posts: 112
    Long distance relationships rarely work. You'd probably be better off with someone in your state.
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,298 Member
    I'm a guy similar to your age, I would def not being acting this way if I was in his shoes, if I was serious about you I wouldn't be saying those things. He should be way more keen for you to come and stay. E thing he are saying re commitment and how it has changed rings alarm bells for me. If he's serious you should ask for a more solid commitment from him, seeing as you are going to move out there for 6 months.

    The special girl in my life, would be the first part of my plans.... Not playing second fiddle.
  • madamepsychosis
    madamepsychosis Posts: 472 Member
    Marriage is not the be all and end all of a relationship. I know plenty of couples who've never married, but have been together for years, or who didn't marry until well into their relationship (my boyfriend's parents, for example, got married when he was 14 on a whim whilst on holiday in Las Vegas). However, they are all very committed to each other. If your boyfriend doesn't see a future with you in it, in any way, shape or form, is he worth it?

    My boyfriend and I were in a relatively long distance relationship, when I moved away to study. It's hard, but I believe it can be done, if both parties know for sure that they're serious about it. We're living in the same city now I've graduated, are still together and are planning to move in together in less than six months. It was occasionally really hard for both of us not being able to see each other whenever we wanted, but we knew, come hell or high water, that we wanted to make it work and eventually be together forever. The difference is that this guy doesn't seem to want to do that. It might sound a little harsh, but why are you wasting your time in something that clearly isn't going anywhere?
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Get a cat!

    They dont talk back!


    Mine does -.-

    Mine, too! And he argues with the dog.
  • Gilbrod
    Gilbrod Posts: 1,216 Member
    I look forward to the constant bickering.... I will add my two cents. No one can make you feel inferior, unless you allow them.
  • Ahluvly
    Ahluvly Posts: 389 Member
    Here's my advice as a complete outside who doesn't know the ins and out nor has any emotional attachment to the situation.

    You need to take control of this situation and ask yourself, what do I want ideally here? Do not, I repeat, DO NOT mould your wants around his. You have to be selfish here and if he doesn't want the same things as you then you have two choices. You find someone who does and be happy, OR you tolerate a situation just to keep him happy and become miserable in the process. Put your own happiness first. There's no need for you guys to fall out if you do decide this isn't right for you (being in a relationship with him) but at the same time, I think you need to be doing yourself a life plan say for the next 5-10 years and figuring out what it is that you want out of your life. You get one bite at the apple, do the things and spend time with people who are going to make you happy, and give you what you need flower.

    I really hope things work out well for you :)
  • Skeemer118
    Skeemer118 Posts: 397 Member

    The special girl in my life, would be the first part of my plans.... Not playing second fiddle.

    And ^THIS^, OP, is the kind of mature sweetheart of a real man that you should wait for. I have a man just like this & my husband was completely worth the wait. My hubby makes me swoon because I come first. :heart:
  • DeadlyDame13
    DeadlyDame13 Posts: 197 Member
    Ur young u have to do u...if he's planning on working in another state planet galaxy whatevers n your OBVIOUSLY not included than why include him in the thought of marriage .....I would say duces ...ur not number one in his life so why settle
  • madamepsychosis
    madamepsychosis Posts: 472 Member

    The special girl in my life, would be the first part of my plans.... Not playing second fiddle.

    Oh and this. Completely this.
  • teripendleton
    teripendleton Posts: 26
    Notice that it's the guys who responded to you that are telling you to rethink this and possibly move on. Don't "settle" for anything. Be strong, independent and realize you are worthy of the BEST.
  • strunkm4
    strunkm4 Posts: 265 Member
    I would say that he is not putting you number 1 in his life. If you have been together for awhile, like you said, his future should want to include you. It would be a HUGE red flag to me if I wasn't included. I would say if he's not "doing his own thing" already, he's probably already started thinking about it. The fact that he made absolutely no mention of you what-so-ever in his future would make me want to get the hell out, and fast. Don't let him string you along. The farther you let it go on, the harder it will be to let go. There are 1000000 other guys out there for you that will make you their number one priority and want to focus their future around you. Go out and find him and don't give this current guy another minute of your precious time. You are too good for that!
  • jennys11
    jennys11 Posts: 118 Member
    Hes clearly (not in a very nice way) stated he doesn't want to get married and he certainly doesn't want to commit himself to me just yet...which is FINE. I never pushed it but I did say that It would be best if I did my own thing a bit more when I come to see him this year, I don't want to get too attached...he went APE.

    That is your answer right there. If he said he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want to be committed to you... he is saying he is "Just not that into you" - move on! Find someone who loves you and adores you and WANTS to be with you!!! Have you ever read the book, "He's Just Not that into You"? You should.

    If a guy wants to be with you, he will go to the ends of the Earth to be with you. It doesn't seem like he takes you into consideration. He wants you when it's convenient for him. Consider having a relationship where you come first.
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