Divorce/ LTR break-ups

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  • amymrls
    amymrls Posts: 1,673 Member
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    It's a slow fade. =)
  • bankjm
    bankjm Posts: 24 Member
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    Breaking up is so incredibly difficult. A relationship is only solid when both cherish each other. As soon as 1 gives up, it's doomed. I am so sad because I tried everything I could to save my relationship. Ultimately, its over when one decides to give up. And that is painful. I never learned how to give up. Anyone have any good coping tips? It's been 2 months since he wanted to move out and have his freedom and space.
  • officereric
    officereric Posts: 9
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    I hope some day she realizes that I love her - no matter what or who was to blame for our split. I thought love would have been enough, but I'm learning that is definitely not the case. Miscommunication and mind-reading, along with anchors of our pasts did us in it seems. There's nothing more I can do. I'm hurting but doing my best. I have absolutely no hard feelings but she's the first and last thing on my mind at the beginning and end of each day. If and when that changes - I will be afraid. Love you always Julie.
  • HLeAnn
    HLeAnn Posts: 261 Member
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    Thank you all for sharing this with me. I'm in this position. Together for 5 years, married for 3. I openly talk to him about it, but it turns into my problem becuase he's perfectly happy.

    I completely understand the hate feeling of failing at something that is supposed to last forever.. I do love him, I'm just not sure he's capable of providing what I need in a partner.

    This is my story. What made it worse was my ex didn't really "DO" anything wrong. I changed, I think. So I broke his heart for what seemed like nothing, but I couldn't change the fact that I was unhappy. It's been over a year now since we ended it, so we've both accepted it by now, but it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and to this day I still feel horrible for hurting him. But as Carl put it in an earlier post, your happiness is as important as his. Start the ball rolling of either trying to work it out, or if comes to it, ending it.

    Good luck to you. My heart is with you, because I know how incredibly hard this is.
  • ShareeMorty
    ShareeMorty Posts: 324 Member
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    I am there at the moment, we have been married 12.5 years and I fell out of love with him about 5 years ago. We tried counselling and nothing changed. I still love him but I am so unhappy and our relationship is more like room mates who have sex (mainly to keep him happy). We have 2 kids aged 9 & 10 and I am trying to work out a plan for myself and them before I tell him I can't do this anymore.

    He too is a nice guy, but we are just a poor match. I crave conversation and affection and he is perfectly happy with the status quo. I find myself distancing myself more and more from him. I know my making this decision will break his heart as his whole world is me and the kids and I just don't know how I am going to find the courage to tell him. I thought I could just carry on until the kids were older but I need more from a relationship than I am getting.

    Sometimes I think it would be easier if we fought all the time or hated each other. I feel so selfish for pulling the plug and putting my happiness first but I don't want to be 80 and wish I had left at 40. I cannot see things improving and I am scared of being a single mum and dividing up everything but I cannot see myself putting up with this for another year.

    Funnily tonight at a party with my work friends one of them asked what was going on with me as she thought I had seemed unhappy for months - I do think deep down my husband knows it is not working and that I am not happy. Still makes it hard to finally tell him
  • nursedb
    nursedb Posts: 313 Member
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    I need to get back to this when I have more time....ending an 18 year marriage ATM...in need of some support from people like you guys and gals!
  • MzBug
    MzBug Posts: 2,173 Member
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    I spent 10 years with a very nice guy. For years he did stuff like start the car for me on frozen mornings, rub my feet after work, would go grocery shopping if I got tied up at work....you know the little things that show they care, he was a partner in life. As my career went forward, his didn't. Around year 6 he injured his back and was put on disability. At first he was cool with being at home and taking over stuff there. As my promotions moved us from state to state he became more and more withdrawn and pretty much quit trying and began drinking. We tried counseling (he quit going), he tried AA (he quit going) and the church (he quit going). He did detox twice...and started drinking again within a week. Things began to disappear around the house and when I questioned it I would get presented with a pawn ticket...he needed more money for alcohol. I knew I was up for another promotion in a month or so that would involve moving again. I told him that I could not continue to live with him and that when the promotion came through I would be going alone. I agreed to leave all the house hold stuff and just take my clothes and personal items. He seemed fine with it, and found someone to move in the spare room and pay half the rent and utilities. He even went back to AA. I had to go out of town for 3 days, when I returned he wasn't home. My neighbor told me that the ambulance had came and picked him up earlier that day. He had taken a hand full of misc. pills that he bought from a dealer at the AA meeting. He called the ambulance himself about 15 minutes after he took the pills, they found him passed out on the floor. He lasted a month in a coma in ICU. Long enough for his family to say goodbye and thorougly and repeatedly blame me for ruining his life.

    I spent 2 years alone and in therapy, followed by 5 years of brief relationships. I wouldn't let anyone get close enough for a real relationship, I had given up on anything long term. I met my wonderful guy 7 years ago. It was supposed to be another "friend"... It turned into more and we are very happy together. Do I still have issues? Sure. We talk things out when something bothers us. We both go out of our way to make the other smile. We both encourage each other and are proud of each other. We are in it long term and have the 30 year mortgage to prove it...

    It will take time and effort to get back to "normal" after any break up. How long and how much depends on you. Take the time, make the effort and you will be a better person for it.
  • Mctree20
    Mctree20 Posts: 137
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    I found this one day... and it's VERY interesting... I'm not saying it applies to anyone here or trying to imply anything at all by posting this link. I lot of the things hit home with things I've seen and observed in today's world with friends and acquaintances of mine. I think it's worth a look.

    I'm actually very tempted to get this book and read it.... looks like a very interesting read.

    http://womensinfidelity.com/

    Well, that pretty much hits the nail on the head. . for me at least. . But that book is $100 freaking bucks!

    She makes it sound like it is inevitable. Makes me wonder what the point of being in another relationship is.
  • GrnEydGrl86
    GrnEydGrl86 Posts: 154
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    This thread made me very sad. Is it possible for two people to have a happy marriage that really does last?
  • boldtsmith
    boldtsmith Posts: 120 Member
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    Yes, it absolutely is possible to have a marriage that lasts and is happy for both. A major problem is that we often simply expect too much from the marriage relationship. No person can be the best friend I have always and forever unless we’re stranded on a desert Island. Same thing goes for partner, lover, co-parent, conversationalist…name it. There are over six billion people on the planet and yet we expect our partner to better than all of them at everything. A great marriage requires each partner to give 100% to the relationship but not attempt to withdrawn 100% out of it. We need other friends, golf partners, conversationalists. No one person can or should even try to meet all of our needs and wants.
  • LAWoman79
    LAWoman79 Posts: 348 Member
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    Wow...that is disheartening. I could never be in a relationship where I was miserable, just in order to be polite. Seems like a waste of a good life.
  • boldtsmith
    boldtsmith Posts: 120 Member
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    One should not be in any relationship that makes them miserable. But they should not end a good one because they don’t derive every satisfaction from it. If marriage is the extraordinary main course of a great meal it doesn’t negate the deliciousness of the foie gras or profiteroles. But you don’t chastise the Prime Rib for not being sweet.
  • petramartin
    petramartin Posts: 9
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    -
  • petramartin
    petramartin Posts: 9
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    10 years ,trapped for 9 and half
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
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    My main goal in relationships isn't my own personal happiness. For me, it fluctuates, and I may be pretty miserable for a while but I'll snap out of it. It's more about my personal growth and my ability to show love to the other person (in a practical way). My last relationship ended because it was stagnant and my bf was checked out. I couldn't show love to him because he didn't care, and I wasn't growing in any way. He was unwilling to communicate honestly about our issues, which was the biggest deal breaker. You can't fix it if both people aren't willing to work on it.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
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    bump
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
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    This thread made me very sad. Is it possible for two people to have a happy marriage that really does last?

    im very sad after reading this too.
    i hope so. ive been married once before and been married for 11 years to the same man. i love that we have changed together.

    i hope each and every one of you can just be happy and live your life with no regrets whether its with a partner or not. :wink:

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