A very expensive lesson...

usedasbrandnew

I want to tell you about a lesson i learned the hard way.

This is a story about John. We were so in love. He loved me regardless of my size, told me I was beautiful in anything, and that he thought make-up was silly. Absolutely the best relationship I've ever been in. John had dealt with depression in the past, but so had I, and we were happy together. He had some things going on in his life that were downers, but we had each other and I'm a "fixer." I pushed him to get off the video games and make it to class, ask for his promotion, pursue hobbies he enjoyed... We weren't married, but lived together, sometimes we had stress, but over things like dishes not getting done, or being out of clean laundry, but what 22 year old doesn't have those occasionally.

And then John got sick. He spent three months in and out of hospitals and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. He lost 30lbs in those three months. He finally got better, but lost his motivation to do things. I tried/asked/begged him for months after he started feeling better to take care of things. Things in my mind that were easy, required a few phone calls or a trip to the courthouse. (Like getting his car registered, figuring out why his license was suspended...) I don't want to be too long-winded, but ultimately he was in a place where he was unmotivated and I guess a little angry. In an argument over Christmas photos with his family, he broke up with me. I didn't want to be in the pictures because I felt fat next to him and his family... I didn't recognize his lack of motivation or lashing out as depression, it's not how I experienced it.

After about a week he came to me and apologized (he was still living at my moms house as he didn't want to live with his family, and I would never kick him out.) He asked to get back together and I told him no, we needed to work on being independent before we could be happy together.

Three weeks later he was dead. He hung himself in the oak tree in my backyard. I found his note, and then found him. CPR didn't work.

I know it wasn't my fault, but I know that my self-consciousness was a key factor in the degeneration of our relationship. People tell me if we had stayed together it may have happened down the road, but I will never know. Two and a half months ago, I lost the love of my life to suicide. I still can't really believe it.

So just be happy with yourself right now. Where you are, in the skin you wear. I am trying to get healthy now, in order to be better at being happy in my own skin. Love the people who love you. Forgive them when they aren't loving. (As long as it's not a habit that is hurting you or yours.) People deserve lots of chances.

*** PLEASE I know all the bad things, I am having a bad day and wanted to share/vent. Please don't be rude, I get that what he did was selfish, that I was selfish. I get it.

stablesong

I am so sorry that you experienced that. I'm proud of you for deciding to love yourself and get healthy. Remember we're all always here to talk if you need us.

lstrick27

I am so sorry you had to go through that! You have to know that was not your fault! Ive recently been learning that being happy with yourself helps you be happy in life so I hope this process helps you to be strong and happy!

Sharonks

Honey, you are the same age as one of my daughters. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your boyfriend had some very serious mental health issues and it isn't your fault that you couldn't fix them for him. I have lived long enough to know that I can only do so much. If someone is determined to kill themselves there is not much I can do to change that and I certainly can't give up my own life to cater to theirs.

Everyone should be comfortable with themselves regardless of things like weight. If you don't like something, you have the power to change it but you should still feel ok with yourself. That's often easier said than done though.

I actually don't think your self image had anything to do with what happened. His self image did. I also agree with you wanting you both to work on your issues because you couldn't be happy together if you were unhappy with yourselves.

I'm glad you are working to make yourself happy with yourself. I hope your day gets a little better.

SergeantSunshine_reused

I don't know how anyone could be rude after reading that

I'm so sorry girl, I hope things start looking up for you

AZKristi

Very sorry for your loss.

neelia

OMG, I am so sorry to hear that, but your story does reveal a valuable lesson. I hope things get better for you. :flowerforyou:

MB_Positif

Thanks for sharing your story. You are very brave. You can add me as a friend if you'd like additional support.

cessnaholly

Big HUGS

iluxoxo211

Wow I am so very sorry from the bottom of my heart ..I cant even begin to fathom the pain you are feeling.. your brave for sharing your story.. I know nothing anyone says or does can make it better..but just try to keep your head up and push forward...the truth is it truly wasnt your fault..

serenity216

Wow I am so very sorry from the bottom of my heart ..I cant even begin to fathom the pain you are feeling.. your brave for sharing your story.. I know nothing anyone says or does can make it better..but just try to keep your head up and push forward...the truth is it truly wasnt your fault..

I couldn't have said it better myself.

mommymovingmountains

I am so sorry for your loss

EricNCSU

Wow.... I don't even have words.....

So sorry for your loss, and no it wasn't your fault, but the guilt and grief is par for the course... I hope you find health and love in your life in the future.

londongirl2012

Thank you for sharing that, it mustn't have been easy. I hope we can all learn something from your experiences x

roander

You did the right thing, taking care of yourself and not letting someone else's depression drag you down too. I'm so sorry things turned out the way they did.

I lost my mom to suicide and I felt guilty for years thinking about what I could've / should've done. Ultimately, it eats you up inside or you let it go because it wasn't your responsibility.

Continue to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. You deserve it.

honestlysweet

You say that your self consciousness was a key factor in the failing of your relationship. You say this right after saying that it wasn't your fault. I hope you don't think that somehow this chain reaction, starting with you being self conscious, then the breakup, then you saying no to getting back together, made him do this.

You are a sweet young girl who did NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to deserve this. Everyone is self conscious. Everyone breaks up. Everyone nags when spouses and boyfriends don't do what they should. No, I don't think extra chances or more love would have been the answer. You would have ended up married with kids, then the stress would have been ten times worse, he would not be able to handle it and he would have done it then. Then you would have had to deal with not only his suicide, but telling the kids. And raising them yourself.

You were right to not take him back. He did this. Not you.

I am sorry if I came off a bit strong. I am very sorry for what happened to you. I just don't want you think at all that it was your fault. I know you know this, but deep down, I am afraid you still believe it and I don't want you to. You did everything right.

Hearts_2015

So just be happy with yourself right now. Where you are, in the skin you wear. I am trying to get healthy now, in order to be better at being happy in my own skin. Love the people who love you. Forgive them when they aren't loving. (As long as it's not a habit that is hurting you or yours.) People deserve lots of chances.

What you wrote up above is very powerful, perhaps more than you even realize! It's made me stop and think how many times, how many years I've done the very same thing you've shared.

Your story is very sad and my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you've lost some one you truly cared for, but I don't believe you're selfish look what you gave US all by writing what you did of your experience!!

I'm sending many warm hugs for you now and for the future. xo

gogojodee

OMG. I am so sorry. :flowerforyou:

I don't know what to say other than, I'm sorry you're going thru this right now. It wasn't your fault, and know, at least from one person, the way you felt about those pictures, is how I currently feel, and you aren't alone in feeling that. I hope you find health , happiness and love in the future.

DAMNCHARLIE

Wow thats rough and sorry that you had to deal with that. I think it absolutley was not your fault and had you stayed with him nothing would have changed. He seems like he had some depression issues that were out of your hands. It seems you were encouraging in a postive way so don't beat yourself up about it. Because you didnt want to be in the family pics was probably even not that serious of an issue. I hate to combine your tragedy with a current one today. The Ruckers case comes to mind (if you havent heard). One male roomate (after 3 weeks of rooming together), decided to record his male roomates "sexual" encounter with another male. He would claim later he thought his items were being stolen, however he puts the vid on the internet for others to see. The roomate then jumps off the George Washington bridge to his death. They havent sentence the roomate yet but he could face up to 20-60 years some news programs say. The roomate was young, childish and immature to do that, under no certainty do I think he aided in the death of his roomate. I then found out the parents knew there son was gay, he told them 3 weeks before he left for college. Sometimes we dont know why people do the things they do and your going to beat yourself up for awhile because you will never get the answers you need. Hope this helps in away for you.

StatHaldol

Tragic, I'm so sorry for your loss.

iqnas

bump

gogojodee

So just be happy with yourself right now. Where you are, in the skin you wear. I am trying to get healthy now, in order to be better at being happy in my own skin. Love the people who love you. Forgive them when they aren't loving. (As long as it's not a habit that is hurting you or yours.) People deserve lots of chances.

What you wrote up above is very powerful, perhaps more than you even realize! It's made me stop and think how many times, how many years I've done the very same thing you've shared.

Your story is very sad and my heart breaks for you, but I don't believe you're selfish look what you gave us all by writing what you did!!

I'm sending many warm hugs for you now and for the future. xo

I totally agree with that last part. Just by you sharing, was really encouraging. I hope you find peace someday.

SueD66

Thank you for opening up to us and sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and i'm so proud of you that you are who you are.

alt1268

Girl, I know you have felt a lot of depression and had lots of emotions running all over the place since the incident. But I'm glad you are here and we are friends (at least on MFP) You have been through a lot and you are right about the small things that people fight over. We all need to love more. Thank you for the story.

Peta22

My heart aches for you and the awful loss in your life and those around you. I've had plenty of experience with extended bouts of depression myself as well and yet I didn't see it in my husband a few years ago either... It's an insidious illness that can destroy a person from inside while their outer shell still looks normal You sound to be dealing with this very positively and with amazing strength... I wish all the best energy to surround you and support you while you continue to recover from this tragedy. I hope your life only becomes happier with each new day xx

bunnzye2

At least you are not really blaming yourself. This story is almost the same as my story, and I blamed myself for for about 5 years. Those are five years I could have been happy for myself for doing what I thought was right for ME. He made the choice to end his life. I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through this. After so long of blaming myself, I blamed him and called him a B#&^#^# for about two years for doing his deed in front of me (shooting). Now I am over it. I sure hope you get over it quicker than that, it seems you are doing ok in a way. Be strong, keep going, try to be happy.

confuzzledwife

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I can't see how you could ever say you were selfish in any part of this, you weren't. I do believe he had deeper issues (just my opinion of course), but I do think it would have happened regardless. Take care of yourself.. you are doing the right thing.

KaleidoscopeEyes1056

OMG... This.. made me cry. And not much makes me cry.

I really feel for you. I know that must have been really hard, and I don't think you were selfish at all. What was going on with him, I don't think anything you could have done would have helped it. I think he might have needed help from a professional. I'm so sorry for your loss.

grassette

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It must be so hard for you.

But don't blame yourself for what happened. Mental illness is something that you have no control over.

It was normal that you want to establish your relationship on a deeper level--you probably sensed that something was very wrong, but you continued to support him until the very end. You did not reject him, but called him to something greater.

Be strong in your grief, and pray for him to be at rest. You will have to forgive him for what he did when you are ready. But also keep in mind the good things that your relationship brought you. And you can keep on loving him, even though he is no longer with you.

Shizzman

I'm sorry to hear what happened. Suicides are hard to deal with. It sounds like you have a good handle on things, but I know it can't be easy

AmyG1982

I'm very sorry. I've lost people to suicide too so I know the pain. But don't let this ruin future relationships for you! don't be afraid to live your life and don't let this be an excuse to be in unhealthy relationships. Its easy to blame yourself, but its not your fault. and, he likely would have done it even if you had gotten back together. I hope your day gets better and you can move on and be happy again