A very expensive lesson...

usedasbrandnew

I want to tell you about a lesson i learned the hard way.

This is a story about John. We were so in love. He loved me regardless of my size, told me I was beautiful in anything, and that he thought make-up was silly. Absolutely the best relationship I've ever been in. John had dealt with depression in the past, but so had I, and we were happy together. He had some things going on in his life that were downers, but we had each other and I'm a "fixer." I pushed him to get off the video games and make it to class, ask for his promotion, pursue hobbies he enjoyed... We weren't married, but lived together, sometimes we had stress, but over things like dishes not getting done, or being out of clean laundry, but what 22 year old doesn't have those occasionally.

And then John got sick. He spent three months in and out of hospitals and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. He lost 30lbs in those three months. He finally got better, but lost his motivation to do things. I tried/asked/begged him for months after he started feeling better to take care of things. Things in my mind that were easy, required a few phone calls or a trip to the courthouse. (Like getting his car registered, figuring out why his license was suspended...) I don't want to be too long-winded, but ultimately he was in a place where he was unmotivated and I guess a little angry. In an argument over Christmas photos with his family, he broke up with me. I didn't want to be in the pictures because I felt fat next to him and his family... I didn't recognize his lack of motivation or lashing out as depression, it's not how I experienced it.

After about a week he came to me and apologized (he was still living at my moms house as he didn't want to live with his family, and I would never kick him out.) He asked to get back together and I told him no, we needed to work on being independent before we could be happy together.

Three weeks later he was dead. He hung himself in the oak tree in my backyard. I found his note, and then found him. CPR didn't work.

I know it wasn't my fault, but I know that my self-consciousness was a key factor in the degeneration of our relationship. People tell me if we had stayed together it may have happened down the road, but I will never know. Two and a half months ago, I lost the love of my life to suicide. I still can't really believe it.

So just be happy with yourself right now. Where you are, in the skin you wear. I am trying to get healthy now, in order to be better at being happy in my own skin. Love the people who love you. Forgive them when they aren't loving. (As long as it's not a habit that is hurting you or yours.) People deserve lots of chances.

*** PLEASE I know all the bad things, I am having a bad day and wanted to share/vent. Please don't be rude, I get that what he did was selfish, that I was selfish. I get it.

stablesong

I am so sorry that you experienced that. I'm proud of you for deciding to love yourself and get healthy. Remember we're all always here to talk if you need us.

lstrick27

I am so sorry you had to go through that! You have to know that was not your fault! Ive recently been learning that being happy with yourself helps you be happy in life so I hope this process helps you to be strong and happy!

Sharonks

Honey, you are the same age as one of my daughters. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your boyfriend had some very serious mental health issues and it isn't your fault that you couldn't fix them for him. I have lived long enough to know that I can only do so much. If someone is determined to kill themselves there is not much I can do to change that and I certainly can't give up my own life to cater to theirs.

Everyone should be comfortable with themselves regardless of things like weight. If you don't like something, you have the power to change it but you should still feel ok with yourself. That's often easier said than done though.

I actually don't think your self image had anything to do with what happened. His self image did. I also agree with you wanting you both to work on your issues because you couldn't be happy together if you were unhappy with yourselves.

I'm glad you are working to make yourself happy with yourself. I hope your day gets a little better.

SergeantSunshine_reused

I don't know how anyone could be rude after reading that

I'm so sorry girl, I hope things start looking up for you

AZKristi

Very sorry for your loss.

neelia

OMG, I am so sorry to hear that, but your story does reveal a valuable lesson. I hope things get better for you. :flowerforyou:

MB_Positif

Thanks for sharing your story. You are very brave. You can add me as a friend if you'd like additional support.

cessnaholly

Big HUGS

iluxoxo211

Wow I am so very sorry from the bottom of my heart ..I cant even begin to fathom the pain you are feeling.. your brave for sharing your story.. I know nothing anyone says or does can make it better..but just try to keep your head up and push forward...the truth is it truly wasnt your fault..

serenity216

Wow I am so very sorry from the bottom of my heart ..I cant even begin to fathom the pain you are feeling.. your brave for sharing your story.. I know nothing anyone says or does can make it better..but just try to keep your head up and push forward...the truth is it truly wasnt your fault..

I couldn't have said it better myself.

mommymovingmountains

I am so sorry for your loss

EricNCSU

Wow.... I don't even have words.....

So sorry for your loss, and no it wasn't your fault, but the guilt and grief is par for the course... I hope you find health and love in your life in the future.

londongirl2012

Thank you for sharing that, it mustn't have been easy. I hope we can all learn something from your experiences x

roander

You did the right thing, taking care of yourself and not letting someone else's depression drag you down too. I'm so sorry things turned out the way they did.

I lost my mom to suicide and I felt guilty for years thinking about what I could've / should've done. Ultimately, it eats you up inside or you let it go because it wasn't your responsibility.

Continue to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. You deserve it.

honestlysweet

You say that your self consciousness was a key factor in the failing of your relationship. You say this right after saying that it wasn't your fault. I hope you don't think that somehow this chain reaction, starting with you being self conscious, then the breakup, then you saying no to getting back together, made him do this.

You are a sweet young girl who did NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to deserve this. Everyone is self conscious. Everyone breaks up. Everyone nags when spouses and boyfriends don't do what they should. No, I don't think extra chances or more love would have been the answer. You would have ended up married with kids, then the stress would have been ten times worse, he would not be able to handle it and he would have done it then. Then you would have had to deal with not only his suicide, but telling the kids. And raising them yourself.

You were right to not take him back. He did this. Not you.

I am sorry if I came off a bit strong. I am very sorry for what happened to you. I just don't want you think at all that it was your fault. I know you know this, but deep down, I am afraid you still believe it and I don't want you to. You did everything right.

Hearts_2015

So just be happy with yourself right now. Where you are, in the skin you wear. I am trying to get healthy now, in order to be better at being happy in my own skin. Love the people who love you. Forgive them when they aren't loving. (As long as it's not a habit that is hurting you or yours.) People deserve lots of chances.

What you wrote up above is very powerful, perhaps more than you even realize! It's made me stop and think how many times, how many years I've done the very same thing you've shared.

Your story is very sad and my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you've lost some one you truly cared for, but I don't believe you're selfish look what you gave US all by writing what you did of your experience!!

I'm sending many warm hugs for you now and for the future. xo

gogojodee

OMG. I am so sorry. :flowerforyou:

I don't know what to say other than, I'm sorry you're going thru this right now. It wasn't your fault, and know, at least from one person, the way you felt about those pictures, is how I currently feel, and you aren't alone in feeling that. I hope you find health , happiness and love in the future.

DAMNCHARLIE

Wow thats rough and sorry that you had to deal with that. I think it absolutley was not your fault and had you stayed with him nothing would have changed. He seems like he had some depression issues that were out of your hands. It seems you were encouraging in a postive way so don't beat yourself up about it. Because you didnt want to be in the family pics was probably even not that serious of an issue. I hate to combine your tragedy with a current one today. The Ruckers case comes to mind (if you havent heard). One male roomate (after 3 weeks of rooming together), decided to record his male roomates "sexual" encounter with another male. He would claim later he thought his items were being stolen, however he puts the vid on the internet for others to see. The roomate then jumps off the George Washington bridge to his death. They havent sentence the roomate yet but he could face up to 20-60 years some news programs say. The roomate was young, childish and immature to do that, under no certainty do I think he aided in the death of his roomate. I then found out the parents knew there son was gay, he told them 3 weeks before he left for college. Sometimes we dont know why people do the things they do and your going to beat yourself up for awhile because you will never get the answers you need. Hope this helps in away for you.

StatHaldol

Tragic, I'm so sorry for your loss.

iqnas

bump