A very expensive lesson...

vickimieth

Be strong dear - don't let the bad memories overshadow the good ones.
You had each other for a while - which is more than some folks get.

You will be happy again.

astroub

I am truly sorry for your loss! My heart goes out to you and I pray that God heals all your wounds! You have a very bright and beautiful future ahead of you... Never forget that! You are such a wonderful person to be able to open up to others and share your story... This is a way of healing! Good luck in all you do and wishing you the best! Hugs! :flowerforyou:

FireTigerSoul

Wow. I can't even think of anything to say right now. I hope you're okay and that you're getting through this. Stay strong. Thank you for sharing.

hbrittingham

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how incredibly painful it was for you to have gone through this. Hugs sweetie.

sandylion

It is not your fault, not in any way shape or form. You were very wise to recognize that you each had maturing to do before you could be happy together. 2 half people doesn't make a whole person, it just creates a mess where two people are attempting to hold each other up, and it's unhealthy. You loved him, and supported him, even let him stay in your life. He must have had other things going on that you could not have done anything about. Please, do not take that guilt on.


That is the first thing I want to say. The second thing is this: I hate it when people say "Suicide is so selfish" to someone who is grieving, or to anyone at all. I think it is awful to think about what a terrible place a person must be in, how lost and hopeless and completely helpless a place they must be in, to commit suicide. People don't commit suicide to get back at those close to them, or to try to run away. They do it because they're drowning and lost. Calling it selfish shows a complete and utter lack of compassion and empathy.

I don't know you, but I feel for you right now and am sending good thoughts/energy/prayer your way (pick whichever you believe in:)

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

Wow I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry for your loss but I can see that you're a strong woman & honestly I would never imagine myself handling all these things. (Hugs)

UrbanRunner81

I am so sorry for your loss. You are very brave and strong.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

That is the first thing I want to say. The second thing is this: I hate it when people say "Suicide is so selfish" to someone who is grieving, or to anyone at all. I think it is awful to think about what a terrible place a person must be in, how lost and hopeless and completely helpless a place they must be in, to commit suicide. People don't commit suicide to get back at those close to them, or to try to run away. They do it because they're drowning and lost. Calling it selfish shows a complete and utter lack of compassion and empathy.

So true. Being in a state of depression is no joke & it shouldn't be taken lightly as if that person is being selfish, we aren't psychologist or psychiatrist to conclude anything about a person's behavior. I'm also undergoing depression right now & I know it is very hard especially that my religious parents also doesn't help a lot. They think that being more spiritual is the answer but no. Which is why I understand how it is to undergo such things, believe me its not easy.

mznisaelaine

I know that must of been so hard. I'm so sorry for your loss

8bitAlina

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for you loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through and are still going through. *hugs*

jrmc78

The way you are handling this situation seems to be very mature.
As I kept reading, I was more interesting, but did not expect the end; I am sorry for your loss, and keep up with your new goals.

saragato

People who are truly sick mentally and truly want to die will find a way to do it. It's not, to them, a selfish act because what they have is tunnel vision. They could have a great life and have everything to live for but the tunnel vision only lets them see the bad and when they see the good, they question how long it will last or how genuine it is. Many won't talk about it and put on a face for others but they just become more introverted until they feel they are alone even if they're not, but chances are they drove away the friends they had with their tunnel vision and the thinking resulting from it. Eventually they don't see the point in living or anything improving, and they die.

Those on the outside, they see it as selfish, stupid. But depression is something that unless you have had it, and I mean clinical depression not what's called "situational" depression, you can't really understand what that person's thinking and feeling. I learned this the hard way through my years of depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, and the doctors that would look at me and just say things like, "if you die you'll make your family sad", "what will [friend/family member] do if you die? How do you think they would feel?" and to me those are just furthering the guilt you feel inside for feeling so awful when you know you shouldn't because it's not "right" or "normal".

I'm sorry he chose to end his life, but don't blame yourself or think "what if I had stayed" or anything else. To be blunt, you could not have helped him. Not even forcing him into a psychiatric facility would have if he didn't want to be better or didn't think there was anything wrong with wanting to die. The only one that could have ever saved him was himself, but he chose instead to leave his pain behind. It's not easy to know how to help yourself, it took me a very long time to find ways to.

Not to be cliche, but at least now he is free of his mental suffering and can find peace. I hope you, in time, can find peace too. It's hard to lose someone you care about or love, no matter how they go, but mourn if you want and how long you want.

charismanoodles

That is the first thing I want to say. The second thing is this: I hate it when people say "Suicide is so selfish" to someone who is grieving, or to anyone at all. I think it is awful to think about what a terrible place a person must be in, how lost and hopeless and completely helpless a place they must be in, to commit suicide. People don't commit suicide to get back at those close to them, or to try to run away. They do it because they're drowning and lost. Calling it selfish shows a complete and utter lack of compassion and empathy.

So true. Being in a state of depression is no joke & it shouldn't be taken lightly as if that person is being selfish, we aren't psychologist or psychiatrist to conclude anything about a person's behavior. I'm also undergoing depression right now & I know it is very hard especially that my religious parents also doesn't help a lot. They think that being more spiritual is the answer but no. Which is why I understand how it is to undergo such things, believe me its not easy.

I agree...also when you are depressed you cannot think clearly/rationailty if you are very low, I know from personal experience. I know when I attempted suicide (thank god I failed) I was doing it not to burden/hurt anyone because I truly believed people would be happier without me...

_HeathBar_

Sorry for your loss, that's terrible. I can't imagine what you must be going though.

I'm glad you are here and getting healthy.

kilime50

Don't give up. Life is sometimes so unfair but you just have to keep going. If you need a friend feel free to add me.

usedasbrandnew

Thank you everyone. Had to read some comments, go cry, read more comments, go get a run and diet coke, and then finish reading the comments. Everyone here is so kind. Thank you.

treetop57

Depression is a tragically devastating illness, both for the person with the disease and for everyone close to him or her. So sorry you have had to go through this, Usedasbrandnew. From what you have written, I have every confidence you will find a healthy path through this dark part of your life. I wish you all the best.

minadeathclutch

god this hit home, i am in tears...
sent you a message.

god i am so sorry.

donnam40

Katie,

I just wanted to say thank you to you for sharing your story, and so eloquently. It is a good reminder not to sweat the small stuff in life becuase you just don't know what is around the corner. I'll be giving my family a big hug when I get home tonight. And I'll try harder to stop feeling bad about myself.

You are a very brave young lady.

Donna

newday332

Thanks for sharing. It certainly puts things into perspective. Continue to be steadfast in your journey.

HoosierMomma1

I'm so sorry ((hugs)). I dont know exactly how you feel but my heart aches for you. I lost my older sister a decade ago. We'd gotten into a stupid argument and hadn't spoken in a few months and then suddenly she was gone. I wish I could say something to make the hurt better but maybe your story might help someone else.

No one is ever promised a tomorrow so don't put your life on hold until you reach a smaller size or put off a phone call that you might never get to make.

Theresa

I want to tell you about a lesson i learned the hard way.

This is a story about John. We were so in love. He loved me regardless of my size, told me I was beautiful in anything, and that he thought make-up was silly. Absolutely the best relationship I've ever been in. John had dealt with depression in the past, but so had I, and we were happy together. He had some things going on in his life that were downers, but we had each other and I'm a "fixer." I pushed him to get off the video games and make it to class, ask for his promotion, pursue hobbies he enjoyed... We weren't married, but lived together, sometimes we had stress, but over things like dishes not getting done, or being out of clean laundry, but what 22 year old doesn't have those occasionally.

And then John got sick. He spent three months in and out of hospitals and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. He lost 30lbs in those three months. He finally got better, but lost his motivation to do things. I tried/asked/begged him for months after he started feeling better to take care of things. Things in my mind that were easy, required a few phone calls or a trip to the courthouse. (Like getting his car registered, figuring out why his license was suspended...) I don't want to be too long-winded, but ultimately he was in a place where he was unmotivated and I guess a little angry. In an argument over Christmas photos with his family, he broke up with me. I didn't want to be in the pictures because I felt fat next to him and his family... I didn't recognize his lack of motivation or lashing out as depression, it's not how I experienced it.

After about a week he came to me and apologized (he was still living at my moms house as he didn't want to live with his family, and I would never kick him out.) He asked to get back together and I told him no, we needed to work on being independent before we could be happy together.

Three weeks later he was dead. He hung himself in the oak tree in my backyard. I found his note, and then found him. CPR didn't work.

I know it wasn't my fault, but I know that my self-consciousness was a key factor in the degeneration of our relationship. People tell me if we had stayed together it may have happened down the road, but I will never know. Two and a half months ago, I lost the love of my life to suicide. I still can't really believe it.

So just be happy with yourself right now. Where you are, in the skin you wear. I am trying to get healthy now, in order to be better at being happy in my own skin. Love the people who love you. Forgive them when they aren't loving. (As long as it's not a habit that is hurting you or yours.) People deserve lots of chances.

*** PLEASE I know all the bad things, I am having a bad day and wanted to share/vent. Please don't be rude, I get that what he did was selfish, that I was selfish. I get it.

littledeak

I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not cause him to do this and you could not have stopped it. I hope the pain of this experience will be healed. It takes courage to write what you shared. I believe you are strong and will move on in life a bit wiser and certainly in a healthy way. God bless you and keep you.

gg9nerak

Oh hon...at the moment I am crying for you. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this.

autumnk921

This hits me so close to home & I just want you to know that I know almost EXACTLY how you feel...My son's father commited suicide one year ago on May 27th. I had broken up with him so that he would get clean and get back on track for himself and for our family. He relapsed and shot himself the next morning...I just wanted to share that with you (and everyone I guess) because when I read your post it brought everything back...Please add me as a friend on here because maybe we can help each other cope with the guilt that I know I have and I know you probably do as well...Thank you so much for sharing this with us all.

shalinimunjal

I'm very sorry for your loss. Hugs.

kbmnurse

So sorry for your loss. Be strong, yes you are right. Be happy in the place you are in.

Alex_is_Hawks

I'm very sorry for your loss....it's very tragic and hits very close to home for me.

This April 4th will be the one year anniversary of my brother in law hanging himself. My sister in law is not dealing with it very well (as she suffers from depression also) and we are mobilizing for a pretty sad/interventionist week that week.

His decision to take his life on April 4th also happens to coincide with my birthday on April 5th, and don't think for a second that I believe he did it on purpose, I know he didn't, he just got to a point with his tunnel vision that he couldn't take it anymore. But what it did do, is put a marker in my heart where the two events seem forever intertwined. Spending one day incredibly sad for the young man that felt so lost in this world that he felt it would be better to hang himself, and the next day celebrating my birth...it seems manic sometimes.

Depression and suicide are such horrifying things, so sad and so tragic.... (as a person who cut her wrists when she was in her early 20's, I DO understand what happens to push a person to that point, I just thank god I had such an amazing network of friends to carry me through that low point in my life). He was a good man to his step children, he tried to be a good husband to his wife, yet at the end, he really needed to do this act that forever marked them and changed them and not for the better.

My heart goes out to you, please add me if you wish.

Lotus1026

i am so sorry for your loss.

lorro

I'm so sorry for your loss. Neither of you were selfish. Your self consciousness and the degeneration of the relationship did not cause his suicide. Suicide risk is a symptom of severe depression in the same way that spots are a symptom of measles. It's that simple, it's that scary. Guilt is an inevitable part of loss. Although you know it's not your fault, you still wonder - what if? What if I'd been less self conscious, what if we hadn't split up? Please see this for what it is, an attempt to make sense of choices John made when in an irrational state of mind, choices he would not have made had he been less ill, less convinced that there was no hope and that the world would be a better place without him in it.

You've done so well, please continue to face up to these bad feelings when they come and to talk about them, so you can let go of these remaining doubts that torment you. Every survivor has them. If you haven't already, talk to other survivors, online via specialist forums or in person through local groups.

It takes great courage to reach out on a bad day when you are feeling vulnerable. That same courage is evident in the life lessons you are learning: to be happy where you are in the skin you wear, to be healthy, to love, to forgive. What an amazing person you are to have internalised such meanings from such tragedy. It would have been so much easier to sink under such a devastating loss, but you have transcended it, even as you feel it still. Thank you for sharing your lesson with us.