Am I just being paranoid?

femmi1120

So, I stared working out in early January and around that same time, I started going to my neighborhood's boot camp classes. They're only 30 minutes in the morning (Mon, Wed, Fri), but they have made a HUGE difference for me and aside from spring break when I was out of town, I have been to every Monday and Wednesday class. It makes me feel really great and while I've seen little progress in my weight/inches, I've noticed huge improvements in overall fitness which I owe mostly to this class.

Now on to the problem. My mom seems to be deliberately trying to keep me from going. Almost every morning before my class, my room is too messy or she needs help doing something or other, or when I have trouble setting up doctor's appointments (since myschool schedule makes it difficult) she always tells me to skip my boot camp class. It's only half an hour... 30 minutes I take out of my day for ME.

When I was super overweight, she would constantly make comments about my body and how much I ate, and now that I'm making a change, she can't let me have those 30 minutes?

SusanleeBee

Sounds like sabotage. You should (nicely) confront her. She may not even realize she's doing it.

LesliePierceRN

Yep, it's a control issue on her part. No matter what you do, it'll burn her hyde that she's not controlling it. I have a mom just like that. I just look at her and shrug and tell her that I've got this scheduled, I'm going and I'll do what it is that she wants me to do when I get back. If she gives me grief, I go anyway, and then don't do whatever it was she wanted. I will not be cowed or bullied, not even by my own mother.

714rah714

You need to have a heart to heart with your mom and let her know not only how important these classes are to you, but how good they make you feel about yourself when you do them.

feistymoon

Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? I would take the "softly softly" approach and ask her is she aware that the things she asks you to do seem to conflict with your workout time.

Perhaps meet each other half way- tell her you'll set aside any time she wants, except for those times you're at your class. That way you're still doing what she wants

NYCDutchess

Maybe she is jealous, can you possibly invite her to go?

But over all you are an adult, noone can stop you from going. Just stick to it. Then clean your room lol

Meloonie

Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining how important this is to you and how it makes you feel good? I'm sure if you tried explaining in this way she wont be offended and she might ease of a little.

Good luck.

xxx

Annette8479

Hmmmm, just mention it to her. My mom is like that - one of those moms where it's always a no win situaton. For some reason, when I started working out, she gave me a hard time about leaving my kids in the gym's nursery for an hour and a half, five days a week. But then, when I'm fat, she gives me a hard time about that too! Ugh!

harley0269

everything else can wait for 30 minutes, but your health cant!
you just keep doing what you need to do for you!! your doing great!!
dont worry about your mom. her hang-ups are on her. she will come around sooner or later.
you cant please anyone but your self.
health, happiness & love starts with you first!!! :flowerforyou:

luckybunny84

Tell her how important those 30 minutes are to you and maybe invite her to go with you. Sometimes people just dont realize that you enjoy or need something because they don't value it.

bcattoes

Sounds like sabotage. You should (nicely) confront her. She may not even realize she's doing it.

I agree. Change, even needed change, is really hard for some people to deal with. They can sabotage you without meaning to. Talk to her. Let her know how important it is to you.

vim_n_vigor

Your mom is probably not sabotaging you or jealous. You can talk to your mom about what is going on, or you can always find your own place. Many 22 year olds are going to school and not living with their parents. Freedom from parental nagging doesn't ever go away completely, but it does get to be less when you don't live in their house.

kassied09

See, I know where you are coming from. When I was my heaviest I heard "you need to eat better" and all of that jazz. Nothing too rude, obviously, but the hints were always there. I have lost 70+ pounds, work out 5+ times a week, eat HEALTHY and live an overall healthy lifestyle. And now the song changes to me being "obsessed" and my dad actually tells me that he wants to see and my boyfriend "stop eating that healthy crap all the time" and purposely buys junk food and wants us to have it. I don't take it personally, I know that he misses cooking food for all of us and doesn't like to see that we eat a lot better than he does. Plus, he is probably a little worried that we have gone "too far". Just remember how you would look at super healthy people in the past- have you ever thought anything along the lines of, "I understand being healthy but that is just going TOO FAR"? I know I have and I realize maybe I was too quick to judge and they are too. Or maybe they wish they had the willpower that I do. Either way, I would take it with a grain of salt.

mrschappet

I would sit down and talk to her. Express your feelings but make sure you listen to her's as well. It may seem she is trying to "keep you from going" but in reality there is something else going on. Parents have a hard time communicating too sometimes ;-) It could be something as simple as she thinks you are slacking on chores or something.. Good Luck and keep up your great work :-) I bootcamp!!!

madamepsychosis

Have you tried having a civil heart-to-heart with her? Tell her how important these classes are to you and your overall health, how they make you feel and how you feel it's important to have some 'me' time and these 30 minute classes are them. Invite her to come along with you, even!

If she still doesn't change after this, then it's probably best to just ignore her. You are 22 and thus an adult. Your mother can't stop you from doing anything. What she's doing may well be an attempt at sabotage, but only you can actually let her succeed.

Contrarian

Your mom is probably not sabotaging you or jealous. You can talk to your mom about what is going on, or you can always find your own place. Many 22 year olds are going to school and not living with their parents. Freedom from parental nagging doesn't ever go away completely, but it does get to be less when you don't live in their house.

This.

chrisil25

Is your mom heavy? If she is she may be feeling jealous of your weight loss. Maybe eating food was something that you guys shared before and now she feels left out? Maybe get a good workout DVD that you enjoy so on the days she gives you a hard time you can have something to fall back on

GasMasterFlash

After taking a break from the forums, I'm so glad to see that the MFP forums are still replete with persecution complexes.

Everyone is jealous of MFP members, and working to sabotage them. :indifferent:

infamousmk

Is it possible to move out? Regardless of her intentions, you're probably better off getting out in the world and making your universe your own.

4FitChris

Exact same issues with my wife. She encourages me to lose weight, but discourages a daily regimen. I tried to ignore the comments, but that didn't address the underlying cause, and created more stress. We assume it was that she wanted more of my time than I wanted to workout. So I gave up something else - sleep. I now workout at 4:30am and spend more time with her in the evenings (unfortunately, I'm in bed sleeping by 9:30). It's better, but she still feels her advice is right, even when doctors, trainers, and FDA disagree.

MrsCon40

Your mom is probably not sabotaging you or jealous. You can talk to your mom about what is going on, or you can always find your own place. Many 22 year olds are going to school and not living with their parents. Freedom from parental nagging doesn't ever go away completely, but it does get to be less when you don't live in their house.

This.

It's not sabotage or jealousy - you live in her house and she would prioritize differently.

IronmanPanda

Yes.

marci423

I was going to say invite her too but NYC beat me to it )

It might be that she needs to lose as well? but doesn't want to look like she is intruding on your exercise so she just prevents you from doing it?

Good luck with your goal )

femmi1120

After taking a break from the forums, I'm so glad to see that the MFP forums are still replete with persecution complexes.

Everyone is jealous of MFP members, and working to sabotage them. :indifferent:

If you're not going to add anything to my topic, maybe you should go back to taking a break


To everyone else, thank you for the advice.

To answer some of your questions, she has never really been what I'd consider "fat." She does have a high body fat %, and poor eating habits, and unhealthy methods of controlling her weight, like skipping dinner after a day of eating unhealthy foods to compensate, taking laxative teas, and trying EVERY diet pill under the sun. She's very active but does not set aside time to actually work out.

And in December she had lipo and a tummy tuck which she's using as a reason not to join me for boot camp (somewhat legitimate, but I think she's had enough recovery time to try it as long as she takes it easy).

I do sometimes wonder if she's jealous because she can't seem to lose weight the healthy way, but I've tried really hard to motivate her to (even made her an account here) but she only seems interested in the quick fix.

As for slacking on my chores, I've been trying really hard to keep her happy, but she seems to be looking for things for me to do. Like when she asked about my room today, and I told her I'd already cleaned it yesterday, then she brought up my bathroom, then the game room, etc. All of which I had already taken care of, and finally, she says "well, you're sick, are you going to go work out while sick and then be too tired to go to school tomorrow?"

See, it starts getting stupid like that... and that's when I just left.

mamabear272

I'm not sure about the relationship you have with your mom but talking to her may not help. I remember 20 years ago when my daughter was a baby. I lived with my mom and dad as I was a single mom and lots of other reasons that I won't go into here. I bought a stepper that came with a video. I was doing it in the living room and my mom goes "you look like a big hippo doing that." I was devastated and never used the stepper again! But then she'd make comments on my weight cause I hadn't lost the baby weight yet. I don't bother to mention it anymore but when I would bring it up she would adamantly insist that she never said it. Of course mom I just made it up that you called me a hippo. I have what to gain from that???

You may not get through to her by talking to her or at all for that matter. You can not let her bring you down! You are doing this for you and not her! You are making yourself healthier and making positive changes. It may be hard but you're going to have to ignore the things she says and let it roll off your back! You are doing great things!

GasMasterFlash

See, it starts getting stupid like that... and that's when I just left.

Oh, so you moved out? Well done.

femmi1120

As for moving out, my parents don't want me to because they want me to focus on school right now. I couldn't keep up a 15 hour course load while working to pay rent and they want me to graduate as soon as possible. If I even brought up moving out, it would just cause a lot more problems, because I live close enough to commute so they'd just see it as me being rebellious and ungrateful.

tulip07

As for moving out, my parents don't want me to because they want me to focus on school right now. I couldn't keep up a 15 hour course load while working to pay rent and they want me to graduate as soon as possible. If I even brought up moving out, it would just cause a lot more problems, because I live close enough to commute so they'd just see it as me being rebellious and ungrateful.

Great job on working hard to graduate while staying at home. I say more people should do that. Parents are not enemies and I don't see why moving out is the solution to all problems. A lot of people face the exact same issue (not getting support) from friends and spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend and other family members. Moving out is not an option if someone is not getting the support from a significant other. So why should it be the case here?

All I am going to say is great job doing what you are doing!! Don't let some of these people on these forums influence your family decisions. No two people are the same, and no two people have the same day to day priorities, so when you live with someone you will have issues like this, but that doesn't mean moving out is not always the choice. Mothers and sisters (and husbands/wives) are hard to live with but are essential for the support system we develop. Just do what you are doing and work through the issues.

Good luck!

Silverkittycat

As for moving out, my parents don't want me to because they want me to focus on school right now. I couldn't keep up a 15 hour course load while working to pay rent and they want me to graduate as soon as possible. If I even brought up moving out, it would just cause a lot more problems, because I live close enough to commute so they'd just see it as me being rebellious and ungrateful.

MFP school? :indifferent:

nutandbutter

As for moving out, my parents don't want me to because they want me to focus on school right now. I couldn't keep up a 15 hour course load while working to pay rent and they want me to graduate as soon as possible. If I even brought up moving out, it would just cause a lot more problems, because I live close enough to commute so they'd just see it as me being rebellious and ungrateful.

Wow.

kennethmgreen

So, I stared working out in early January and around that same time, I started going to my neighborhood's boot camp classes. They're only 30 minutes in the morning (Mon, Wed, Fri), but they have made a HUGE difference for me and aside from spring break when I was out of town, I have been to every Monday and Wednesday class. It makes me feel really great and while I've seen little progress in my weight/inches, I've noticed huge improvements in overall fitness which I owe mostly to this class.

Now on to the problem. My mom seems to be deliberately trying to keep me from going. Almost every morning before my class, my room is too messy or she needs help doing something or other, or when I have trouble setting up doctor's appointments (since myschool schedule makes it difficult) she always tells me to skip my boot camp class. It's only half an hour... 30 minutes I take out of my day for ME.

When I was super overweight, she would constantly make comments about my body and how much I ate, and now that I'm making a change, she can't let me have those 30 minutes?

Are you asking if you are just being paranoid about your mom's intentions? That is, being paranoid that she is deliberately trying to keep you from going to your boot camp classes? What answer would make a difference?

As you've posted in follow-ups, you know you are living there to go to school. You are taking advantage of an opportunity to take a full course load. That's fine. I don't blame you. Moving out isn't a viable solution right now.

But I don't understand how discussion by strangers about your mom's motives will be helpful. All we can do is guess at what she's feeling and thinking anyway. And ultimately, it doesn't matter. It's what she does. It's her house, her rules. Sounds like sounds like your mom may be reasonable. Why don't you talk to her directly about wanting to go to boot camp classes? Present to her the boot camp schedule and tell her it's important for you to go. Ask her what you need to do in order for her to allow you to go. Negotiate an agreement. It could be as simple as "clean room = boot camp."

Directly ask for what you want. Be respectful and clear and specific. You might have to ask more than once. Practice this with your mom. You will need to do this again with others in life. It's not an easy skill to learn for some people, but I promise it will prove to be valuable.