I absolutely hate myself for becoming fat again :I

mischa_12

It's really quite sad but I have such hate for myself, I go shopping with friends and family and every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror I cringe. I also find myself crying when I'm watching TV shows with girls my age who look happy and they're so thin they can wear anything they want.

I have gained over 10 lbs since the middle of last year, I got down to about 110 lbs and was so skinny, everyone would comment about how fantastic I looked, I could wear anything I wanted...even a bikini.

I'm feeling particularly stressed right now because my boyfriend who I haven't seen in 10 months (he lives quite far away from me) hasn't seen me yet this fat, I know deep down he wouldnt care but I just don't want him to see me this way. I'll be coming to stay with him in 2 weeks and I'm so upset that I've let myself get this overweight.

Does anyone else ever feel disgusted with themself? I just feel like this all the time now

Lukazetta

Can't really say I was in the same situation as you but I have given up exercising before just because I didn't see any results whatsoever. I thought it was pointless to carry on and I got up to 20% body fat.

Don't stress out, your boyfriend should understand your situation. And you're doing something about it and making progress, that's the main thing. And being fat is only a standard on opinions, your definition will vary from others - but more importantly, there is no reason to hate yourself for being fat, especially since you're doing something about it now with a new lifestyle. It's really only a matter of time until you start getting compliments again, and it will be sooner than you think.

Just keep at it, you got this.

mazecraze30

Don't feel bad. 120 isnt really fat either :P

Lindz2323

I'd LOVE to be 120 lbs. I started here at 229lbs and worked my way down to 156 as of right now. My goal by June is 135 and maybe less after that. I'm sure 10 lbs doesn't show much on you so try not to worry too much, 120 lbs is a great weight.

Contrarian

Honey, you aren't actually fat. You may not be where you want to be, but you're being awfully hard on yourself. Stop it.

JoolieW68

Sorry you feel that way, but with healthy eating and exercise you should be able to lose what you want just fine.

Be glad you don't have to lose more......it could always be worse.

ironanimal

You're not fat.

OngaFish

Don't hate yourself it serves no purpose other then to keep you heavy.

Remember you can not do any about the past but learn from it.

Today is a new day make the most of it.

Serah87

Honey, you aren't actually fat. You may not be where you want to be, but you're being awfully hard on yourself. Stop it.

Yes I agree. 90% percent of us on MFP wished we were 120 pounds!! :huh:

SierraElegance

Guys aren't as critical of us as we think-- he probably won't even notice or care! He'll just be happy to see you!

Just keep up on your food diary, and if you really need to drop that weight you can. I see you have a sweet tooth, maybe take a break from sugar and eat more of the healthy foods that you are choosing. Stay full on protein and you won't need the candy bars. It doesn't get easier as you get older, so the more you focus on healthy eating for life, the less yo-yo dieting you'll have to do.

MarCarCas

120 is a great weight! It's good that you've realized that you were gaining, now you can stop gaining and get back to the weight you want to be. I think that your boyfriend will just be so happy to see you, I doubt he will notice a ten pound gain.

Tourney3p0

Speaking as a guy, he's not going to even notice you now weigh 120 instead of 110, let alone care.

Honestly, I'm just hoping this is a joke post. Crying at how good everyone on TV looks because you're fat at 120 pounds? Come on.

kbmnurse

Don't be so hard on yourself. Now that reality has hit get off your butt and do something about it. By the time you see your BF in 2 weeks you could have a couple lbs off. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get going.

graelwyn

In what alternative universe is 119 Ibs fat, unless you are like, much less than 5 feet tall? Maybe you need to look at your thinking and alter it a little as what you are saying is not logical. I would also say that compliments mean really very little in the grand scheme of things... people often say pleasant things without really meaning them, simply to be socially correct. I also think it is more important that you have the self esteem that you are able to feel happy with yourself, and able to compliment yourself. It should not need to come from other people and if it does, then you really need to do some work on your thinking, as it sounds quite self judgemental, unforgiving, harsh and slightly skewed.

There are people here who have gained 30, 50, 70, 130 Ibs, and you are dissing youself over 10 Ibs? I might word my response better, but I am tired and in the midst of PMT and too tired to tiptoe. I suggest a reality check.

graelwyn

Speaking as a guy, he's not going to even notice you now weigh 120 instead of 110, let alone care.

Honestly, I'm just hoping this is a joke post. Crying at how good everyone on TV looks because you're fat at 120 pounds? Come on.

Sadly, that is the extent to which the media has come to control peoples perceptions of themselves and of how everyone should look, it seems. I, personally, can see right through the fake facade that the media likes to spoonfeed society each and every day. Many of these people on tv are airbrushed or made up to death anyway, or on unhealthy, faddy diets. Who on earth would want to be so artificial, rather than be themselves?

FrenchMob

Is this for real? :huh: 10 lbs? You weigh 120? If that's a big stressor in your life, then you haven't really lived.

PapaverSomniferum

It's really quite sad but I have such hate for myself, I go shopping with friends and family and every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror I cringe. I also find myself crying when I'm watching TV shows with girls my age who look happy and they're so thin they can wear anything they want.

I have gained over 10 lbs since the middle of last year, I got down to about 110 lbs and was so skinny, everyone would comment about how fantastic I looked, I could wear anything I wanted...even a bikini.

I'm feeling particularly stressed right now because my boyfriend who I haven't seen in 10 months (he lives quite far away from me) hasn't seen me yet this fat, I know deep down he wouldnt care but I just don't want him to see me this way. I'll be coming to stay with him in 2 weeks and I'm so upset that I've let myself get this overweight.

Does anyone else ever feel disgusted with themself? I just feel like this all the time now

Self-hatred is a battle of it's own. It's a battle twice as difficult as the battle of the bulge.

I've heard rumors that if you can beat self hatred, physical goals will follow. NOT the other way around.

If i master it, I'll let you know how it goes.

Nopedotjpeg

Middle of last year? So let's say about July. So you gained 10 pounds in 9 months? 1.111111 pound per month! C'mon now! If this is legit, then you need to just deal with it. Lose the weight if you want to, but if you consider 120 pounds fat, I'd hate to know what you'd think of a 300+ mother****er like me.

Goosiesnougs

So you weigh 120 soaking wet? No need to cry over that!

Fatbuster205

Sweetheart! You are panicking! Can I suggest that you check your BMI - that is the healthy way to look at your weight. I am 5'6" and therefore the weight range for me is 154-114lbs! That is huge! I know I am best at about 150lbs because of my frame! I have 24lbs to go and people are already saying, "Are you sure you need to lose more?" I have discussed it with my Doctor and she agrees I am realistic in my goal. I think there are other issues that perhaps are underlying your fears! It is all to easy to focus on weight, food - either comfort eating or ultra control of a low cal diet! I would suggest you need to ask yourself why you are so stressed and why your weight is the issue. I don't know how tall you are but to me your weight is not high so unless you are tiny...? Take care but give it some serious thought! Good luck!

lorro

micha, I'm so sorry you hate yourself so much. You are a beautiful girl. Please talk to your doctor about these feelings, The strength of your self hatred, the effect it is having on your life and the fact that you are not at all fat means that it is very likely you may have an illness which affects your perception of your body image. There is good treatment available for this, so I advise you to ask for an assessment. I hope you have a great time with your boyfriend and that his love for you makes you feel a little better about yourself :flowerforyou:

mischa_12

This isn't a joke, I honestly feel this way and maybe I need some therapy or something. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, I always have. I can eat an incredible amount and still not feel full, I never get that feeling and it scares me. This morning I ate a large peanut and chocolate egg, half a block of chocolate and my cereal...it's insane.

I just worry so much that I'll end up like I was when I was little, I still remember being teased and taunted by the kids at school as I was really fat and it's only been the last couple of years that I've managed to get to a reasonable weight.

My whole family is so skinny, especially my sister who also gets a lot of attention from men all the time.

I just feel so depressed that I dont want to get dressed in the mornings and look nice anymore.

MaraDiaz

I'd LOVE to be 120 lbs. I started here at 229lbs and worked my way down to 156 as of right now. My goal by June is 135 and maybe less after that. I'm sure 10 lbs doesn't show much on you so try not to worry too much, 120 lbs is a great weight.

I'd love to be as close to 156 as you are right now. Guess we all have our own troubles. :laugh:

ironanimal

This isn't a joke, I honestly feel this way and maybe I need some therapy or something. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, I always have. I can eat an incredible amount and still not feel full, I never get that feeling and it scares me. This morning I ate a large peanut and chocolate egg, half a block of chocolate and my cereal...it's insane.

I just worry so much that I'll end up like I was when I was little, I still remember being teased and taunted by the kids at school as I was really fat and it's only been the last couple of years that I've managed to get to a reasonable weight.

My whole family is so skinny, especially my sister who also gets a lot of attention from men all the time.

I just feel so depressed that I dont want to get dressed in the mornings and look nice anymore.

Don't get dressed then. At that weight, you look fine naked. You're not fat.

PapaverSomniferum

This isn't a joke, I honestly feel this way and maybe I need some therapy or something. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, I always have. I can eat an incredible amount and still not feel full, I never get that feeling and it scares me. This morning I ate a large peanut and chocolate egg, half a block of chocolate and my cereal...it's insane.

I just worry so much that I'll end up like I was when I was little, I still remember being teased and taunted by the kids at school as I was really fat and it's only been the last couple of years that I've managed to get to a reasonable weight.

My whole family is so skinny, especially my sister who also gets a lot of attention from men all the time.

I just feel so depressed that I dont want to get dressed in the mornings and look nice anymore.

If you can, find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, specifically Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Avoid therapists that focus on weighing and food. Find one that focuses on self-image. Get help, if you can.

Self-hatred is seriously miserable. It colors how you view everything. It ruins relationships and if you obsess too much, will ruin your body.

And from what i've experienced/seen/read, self-hatred is pretty darned impossible to beat all on your own. You are your worst enemy here.

Contrarian

This isn't a joke, I honestly feel this way and maybe I need some therapy or something. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, I always have. I can eat an incredible amount and still not feel full, I never get that feeling and it scares me. This morning I ate a large peanut and chocolate egg, half a block of chocolate and my cereal...it's insane.

I just worry so much that I'll end up like I was when I was little, I still remember being teased and taunted by the kids at school as I was really fat and it's only been the last couple of years that I've managed to get to a reasonable weight.

My whole family is so skinny, especially my sister who also gets a lot of attention from men all the time.

I just feel so depressed that I dont want to get dressed in the mornings and look nice anymore.

I mean this in the kindest way, but you probably do need therapy. Most people could benefit from it, to be honest.

lorro

This isn't a joke, I honestly feel this way and maybe I need some therapy or something. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, I always have. I can eat an incredible amount and still not feel full, I never get that feeling and it scares me. This morning I ate a large peanut and chocolate egg, half a block of chocolate and my cereal...it's insane.

I just worry so much that I'll end up like I was when I was little, I still remember being teased and taunted by the kids at school as I was really fat and it's only been the last couple of years that I've managed to get to a reasonable weight.

My whole family is so skinny, especially my sister who also gets a lot of attention from men all the time.

I just feel so depressed that I dont want to get dressed in the mornings and look nice anymore.

It's totally understandable that you fear going back to how you were, especially when people were so mean to you. I think therapy would be helpful to come to terms with what happened then and to understand more about how it has affected your view of yourself and your relationship with food. I recommend cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for this as it has a record of effectiveness for problems of this type. The courses are fairly short. You've done so well in coming so far, please take these final steps to undo the damage from the past so you can live the happy life that you so deserve. Good luck mischa x

happilyeveractive

First off 120 lbs is not fat! Second of all, if a man thinks you are fat (especially at 120 lbs) then he is not the man you want to be with! I used to weigh almost 200 lbs by the end of college. I had a boyfriend who loved me for me (and believe me he is skinny...like 5 foot 10 inches and 130 lbs) and weight never matter. I got down to about 135 lbs two years ago after having life changing (in a bad way) knee surgery. I thought being skinnier would make exercising much easier---I was wrong, but I don't regret losing the 65 lbs and becoming healthier. When I was at 135 lbs, I got a lot of attention from guys I had known for years. All of a sudden they wanted to be with me because I was skinny. Losing weight didn't change my personality, just my body! Any of those guys who suddenly had an interest in me because I wasn't "fat" were shallow and I would never ever waste a moment of my life on. If someone doesn't love you for who you are inside AND out, then why waste your time on them?!?! I can relate about gaining the 10 lbs. I gained about 15 after another surgery and moving/starting a new career. It is painful, but awareness is good. It sounds like you are very similar to me in the fact that you need to learn to love yourself first (at 110 lbs AND at 120 lbs) before looking for the "right guy". Also, if your friends don't tell you that you still look hot then you might want to reevaluate them as well! My boyfriend and friends have loved and respected me (and told me I was beautiful) when I was 200 lbs, 135 lbs and my current weight of about 150 lbs. That shows they love me for me, not my body! Now I just need to learn to love myself, as do you! Don't be so hard on yourself. You are beautiful!

PapaverSomniferum

also, feel free to add me. I'm about the same size you are, and I think I'm hugely overweight too.

I know, rationally, I'm not (and neither are you), but it doesn't make looking in the mirror any easier.

Most people on weight loss forums will try to tear you a new one. A lot of people on here have tens of hundreds of lbs to lose, and lifetimes of being treated terribly because of their size to contend with. They hate people like you (like me?) almost as much as you hate that 10 little lbs you put on.

Talking like this is like rubbing their struggles in their faces, and you may not mean it to be, but it's incredibly rude/hurtful/insensitive/oblivious.

korsicash

120 is not fat. Unless you are 3'11. You do have an unhealthy relationship with food and your self perception. I remember being young and 118 and thought I was a cow. I hated myself because I was not 98 lbs like my shorter friends. At 118 I was an anorexic. I have come to the belief just today that anorexia is like alcoholism and you never fully recover. Try eating healthier. Find foods that are filling like broccoli, brown rice, and while you are depressed that you and your man are not together all the time find something to fill your time instead of self doubt. Join a gym, make up a walking club and yes get some therapy for your unhealthy self image. I feel like I am the pot calling the kettle black here but I would kill to be 120 lbs again. Honestly will be lucky if the last 10 lbs comes off and I can see 135. So be happy with you and if all he loves you for is your body he isn't worth it. And your sister does not get attention because she is thin. She is probably getting the attention because she has confidence. I have friends far heavier than myself that get far more attention than I do and it all has to do with confidence and how you carry yourself. Good luck and please address your ED before it pulls you under.

sprinkies

you're def slightly overreacting. becoming fat again?? you gained 10 pounds, you've already lost two of it. you're fine. am i fat because i'm 128 pounds, or the other people here super fat cause they're in the 200's? maybe post this on a diff forum because you're way tinier than the others on here, and they WISH they could be you.

lose your other 8 pounds and LIVE your life. i totally have BDD right there with you and think i look terrible sometimes and i am honestly petrified of gaining (as i sit here with wine, totally going over calories) but there are people DYING to look like you.

i'm totally not trying to be mean to you, but re-evaluate your attitude. i'm sure you look fabulous and amazing in a bikini still!