Is it ok to be with someone who....

farmers_daughter

Says that they are not attracted to your body.

They don't ridicule you, they don't mention it, they never mention that you need to lose weight, none of that.

You don't find this out until you dig, and dig into a different subject and this comes out.

"I don't think it's rite for you to be attracted to me, but me not attracted to you"

Emotionally, we are great.

I say physical can change, and if he isn't going to ridicule me about it then it's not that big of a deal, in time, I'll be the person I want to be. He says "its hot when" and " your so beautiful/hot when you...." during sex, but...

My "other hand" says, I need him to say I'm pretty, I need him to think I'm hot. But that's the hand I'm trying to chop off...the one that "needs" someone else to say that to me.

odusgolp

There's a lesson here... Do not ask questions you don't want the answer to.

"Does my butt look big in this?"

dansls1

Only you can answer the question...

MrEmoticon

People say that looks don't matter, but in any relationship, if there's no physical attraction one party will be upset, then it'll lead to other problems.

Talk it out, since you dug to get this, you need to figure out how to fix it if the relationship is going to work.

TheRoadDog

You're 29. Cut him loose and move on. Life is too short to be in a passionless relationship. Been with my wife for almost 25 years now. I still get tongue-tied around her. I still get excited by her gaze, her touch, her smell. And she feels the same way. I always catch her looking at me when she thinks I am distracted by something else and I am always sneaking a peek at her too.

If you don't have that going both ways, you have a room mate.

morganhccstudent724

No. I want to be with someone who can't wait to grab me...after 5...10...20...30 years....

Not someone who can just tolerate my physical...


Good luck pretty girl :flowerforyou:

MrEmoticon

You're 29. Cut him loose and move on. Life is too short to be in a passionless relationship. Been with my wife for almost 25 years now. I still get tongue-tied around her. I still get excited by her gaze, her touch, her smell. And she feels the same way. I always catch her looking at me when she thinks I am distracted by something else and I am always sneaking a peek at her too.

If you don't have that going both ways, you have a room mate.

I think that's the kind of attraction everyone wants to have some day. You're a lucky man.

ItsCasey

Do not ever settle for a man who merely accepts you. If he doesn't want you desperately, you are wasting your time.

hbrittingham

Why would you want to be with someone who isn't attracted to your body?

Il_DaniD_lI

I had a boyfriend that never told me I was pretty or gave me any type of compliments and I always took it as he doesn't think I'm attractive. It really bothered me. If he had come right out and said he wasn't attracted to me that would be the end.

Turned out he did find me attractive (I found this out years later when i finally confronted him through a drunken conversation at the bar). Not my finest moment. :blushing:

Ocarina

Hell to the no.

Being with someone that is not attracted to you is basically self-inflicting punishment. This person and you need to have a real hard look and find out what went wrong and why. Is it really just plain old attraction? It could be other things.... men are simple but sometimes aren't able to just spill everything like us girls are.

If it's really just simple straight up non-attraction you need to weigh those pros and cons. I would have to be really stretching it to stay with someone I am NOT attracted to and visa versa. And it only gets worse as you get older. People won't magically change or become attracted to you. And we get older and we get wrinkly and our hair thins out and we loose our youth... It's inevitable.

I'm not saying leave someone because they got old and let go of themselves... no not at all. But if you are young, beautiful and improving yourself there is NO reason beyond vanity reasons to be with someone you aren't actually attracted to.

shannoninBC

There has to be some physical attraction. Don't settle.

ChristineMarie89

first off no u shouldnt can we say a&$%&#&!! second no matter who says what here u will go back anyways cuz if u even have to ask this question he has already made u feel inferior enough to consider staying o.O however good luck and dont let anyone put u down u r beautiful

_snw_

wait - did you physically change since you started the relationship?

CoryIda

My ex told me before that, "I don't find you attractive, but I am attracted to you anyway" and, "you're not a BAD looking girl..." and he made comments about my size and, after I shed the weight, the loose skin on my tummy; however, he was a very nice man in a lot of other ways.

If you can communicate with him that this hurts you and he can turn it around, then that's great (because relationships work best when you GROW together); otherwise, it is not healthy.

farmers_daughter

You're 29. Cut him loose and move on. Life is too short to be in a passionless relationship. Been with my wife for almost 25 years now. I still get tongue-tied around her. I still get excited by her gaze, her touch, her smell. And she feels the same way. I always catch her looking at me when she thinks I am distracted by something else and I am always sneaking a peek at her too.

If you don't have that going both ways, you have a room mate.

I think that's the kind of attraction everyone wants to have some day. You're a lucky man.

I think everyone dreams of this....and at one point in time I dated a guy that ooohed and awed over me, but it was almost too much, that and he didn't care to take care of him self, somewhat meaning he was ok with letting him self go alot. (See that makes me sound shallow now)

farmers_daughter

wait - did you physically change since you started the relationship?

nope, I'm the same as I was when we started 3 years ago.
My hair is longer but other than that..... lol

MaraDiaz

You're 29. Cut him loose and move on. Life is too short to be in a passionless relationship. Been with my wife for almost 25 years now. I still get tongue-tied around her. I still get excited by her gaze, her touch, her smell. And she feels the same way. I always catch her looking at me when she thinks I am distracted by something else and I am always sneaking a peek at her too.

If you don't have that going both ways, you have a room mate.

I think that's the kind of attraction everyone wants to have some day. You're a lucky man.

I agree.

farmers_daughter

My ex told me before that, "I don't find you attractive, but I am attracted to you anyway" and, "you're not a BAD looking girl..." and he made comments about my size and, after I shed the weight, the loose skin on my tummy; however, he was a very nice man in a lot of other ways.

If you can communicate with him that this hurts you and he can turn it around, then that's great (because relationships work best when you GROW together); otherwise, it is not healthy.

I have said this from day 1, you grow together, you learn together, and as long as there isn't any hatefulness, it an all be worked out, don't sweat the small stuff.

10KEyes

You're 29. Cut him loose and move on. Life is too short to be in a passionless relationship. Been with my wife for almost 25 years now. I still get tongue-tied around her. I still get excited by her gaze, her touch, her smell. And she feels the same way. I always catch her looking at me when she thinks I am distracted by something else and I am always sneaking a peek at her too.

If you don't have that going both ways, you have a room mate.

I just had to say, that is awesome! I haven't been married as long, but I can certainly relate to that.

farmers_daughter

He's my best friend, and I think that's what makes this so hard. We are VERY open, and honest, so some of what I'm about to say will possibly start some fires, but then again I'm reaching out for real live people, either exprience or suggestions.....

He did mention that he knows of someone else that he might have a chance with, but he doubts, she's obviously skinnier.

When I first knew him I was recently divorced to the one and only person I had ever dated or had sex with, so I did the running aroudn that I should have done when I was 20. This guy stuck it out and remained my best friend, the whole while he was dying inside feeling like he was being cheated on, but we had never called "us" offical or dating until a year ago.

So in a way I feel like he watched me do that and now in order to get this skinny chick out of his head I need to let him go and do his thing only to hve her break his heart and come back to me realizing what we had.

That in it's self, is self torture. I know.

He's got such a good heart but has no support system and no positive role models in his life except for me (I believe) Friend say that he's got to fall HARD on his face before he will really see what he had with me.


Do I deserve this. FFFFFFFFF no. But who am I to give up? The only person I've ever given up on is me. I put my kids before me, I put everyone before me. I'm learning how to deal with that VERY slowly.
I don't want to give up on him, I love that d@mn boy! ( I hate what love does to us, it makes us stupid )

About a month ago (which is when I figure he started really thinking about this other girl) we were ok. We were best friends. That's why I say ride out the storm....treat those how you want to be treated, love with love and live the 100/0 principle (Love with everything you have even if you aren't getting anything back)

But then again somedays I think, wth am I thinking? Oh well.

I appreciate all the feed back.

RandomMiranda

My fiance and I were friends for a long time before an attraction developed, but he has told me that, from a male perspective no matter how much he liked me or how great a friendship we had, if he had never developed physical attraction to me he would not have pursued the relationship. Physical attraction isn't shallow, it is significant. And although I am a confident person, comfortable in my skin and don't need assurance from him to feel pretty, I still like to hear it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel like a particular person is attracted to you, and if he isn't I'm not sure whether that is the kind of thing you should have to work through.

MelissR75

Do not ever settle for a man who merely accepts you. If he doesn't want you desperately, you are wasting your time.

totally agree!!

10KEyes

What follows is just my opinion....

He's my best friend, and I think that's what makes this so hard.

Sounds as though you are just friends, not in-love.

He did mention that he knows of someone else that he might have a chance with, but he doubts, she's obviously skinnier.

He is not committed to the relationship.

When I first knew him I was recently divorced to the one and only person I had ever dated or had sex with, so I did the running aroudn that I should have done when I was 20. This guy stuck it out and remained my best friend, the whole while he was dying inside feeling like he was being cheated on, but we had never called "us" offical or dating until a year ago.

Fairly easy to do when there is no love.

So in a way I feel like he watched me do that and now in order to get this skinny chick out of his head I need to let him go and do his thing only to hve her break his heart and come back to me realizing what we had.

That never works. Change will happen and there is no going back.

He's got such a good heart but has no support system and no positive role models in his life except for me (I believe) Friend say that he's got to fall HARD on his face before he will really see what he had with me.

If he isn't interested now, then falling hard isn't going to change it. Another words if he falls hard there is more than one recovery choice.

Do I deserve this. FFFFFFFFF no. But who am I to give up? The only person I've ever given up on is me. I put my kids before me, I put everyone before me. I'm learning how to deal with that VERY slowly.
I don't want to give up on him, I love that d@mn boy! ( I hate what love does to us, it makes us stupid )

And you are putting him before you again.

You really need to ask yourself one question.... "Can I live like this the rest of my life?"
We only live one life, and life is short, you only get one turn.

You never know... Your soul-mate could be nearby, but you seem to comfortable and afraid to let go of someone who leaves you unfulfilled.

Wouldn't you want to live the rest of your life with the same kind passion as "The Notebook"?

Sometimes, people are better just being friends. The way I see it, if you have to "Force" to fit, it isn't meant to be.

One last thing. There are just some things about people that cannot be changed, so waiting for it is just unnecessary punishment.

firesoforion

Don't be with, or be friends with, anyone who doesn't value the relationship as much as you do. Everyone needs to be considered attractive and if he, the one person who should most be able to, can't tell you you're pretty, dump him.

farmers_daughter

You really need to ask yourself one question.... "Can I live like this the rest of my life?"
We only live one life, and life is short, you only get one turn.

You never know... Your soul-mate could be nearby, but you seem to comfortable and afraid to let go of someone who leaves you unfulfilled.

Wouldn't you want to live the rest of your life with the same kind passion as "The Notebook"?

Sometimes, people are better just being friends. The way I see it, if you have to "Force" to fit, it isn't meant to be.

One last thing. There are just some things about people that cannot be changed, so waiting for it is just unnecessary punishment.

I love love love love "The Notebook" but it is soo unrealistic that I hate it, it is what makes alot of lonely girls sit up at night and cry, or commit suicide. That stuff doesn't exist.

And yes, I do believe in a way that I'm too comfortable and I've invested too much to just leave and give up.

Unfortunately I think it's the same concept as having one job and not having another job lined up before you quit. I just don't want to face lonely. I am self sufficient, and very independent, I can make it on my own, but lonely sucks. I deserve better than lonely, I have soo much to offer, and such a huge heart. That nobody appreciates.
I'm singing to the choir i think, sorry. That was a vent.

10KEyes

I love love love love "The Notebook" but it is soo unrealistic that I hate it, it is what makes alot of lonely girls sit up at night and cry, or commit suicide. That stuff doesn't exist.

I cannot say that I agree with you. At one time in my life I would have agreed with you. Now I can relate, my wife is my soul-mate and to me our relationship feels like "That"!

And yes, I am a guy and I admit, "The Notebook" was a very good movie!

And yes, I do believe in a way that I'm too comfortable and I've invested too much to just leave and give up.

Unfortunately I think it's the same concept as having one job and not having another job lined up before you quit. I just don't want to face lonely. I am self sufficient, and very independent, I can make it on my own, but lonely sucks. I deserve better than lonely, I have soo much to offer, and such a huge heart. That nobody appreciates.
I'm singing to the choir i think, sorry. That was a vent.

That is OK. Fear of loneliness and just the unknown can keep a person from taking that step. But you have to question whether you can truly in your heart live with that the rest of your life. You certainly don't want to wait until you have squandered the years away as I did in an emotionally void marriage for nearly 16 years. It doesn't take to many years to turn "love" into hurt, resentment, and then finally anger.

BeccaLevine

I've been in a similar situation before, granted mine was worse, because I put up with WAY more things then you are right now. But we'll skip all of the gory details. I was afraid of leaving him because it was all I knew, I was comfortable, and he made me believe I could never find someone else. I wasn't treated the way I should be (like you're not), and I put up with it. I knew he was attracted to other girls (though at the time I didn't know he was being unfaithful). I just kept hanging on to the good times that had long since passed. I finally found the strength inside myself to leave him after over a year. No matter how many people told me to leave him, it didn't matter, something I had to figure out for myself. I was afraid to be alone, but just a few weeks after I broke up with that idiot, the man of my dreams walked into my life. We have since been together almost 5 years, and we are still just as happy & attracted to each other as we were in the beginning. He told me I was beautiful & sexy at 200lbs and he still tells me now that I have lost over 50lbs. You deserve to be with someone that thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and not look at any other women the way he looks at you. I hope you find the strength to move on & realize there is someone out there that will treat you how you deserve!

kimber0607

Hell to the no.

Being with someone that is not attracted to you is basically self-inflicting punishment. This person and you need to have a real hard look and find out what went wrong and why. Is it really just plain old attraction? It could be other things.... men are simple but sometimes aren't able to just spill everything like us girls are.

If it's really just simple straight up non-attraction you need to weigh those pros and cons. I would have to be really stretching it to stay with someone I am NOT attracted to and visa versa. And it only gets worse as you get older. People won't magically change or become attracted to you. And we get older and we get wrinkly and our hair thins out and we loose our youth... It's inevitable.

I'm not saying leave someone because they got old and let go of themselves... no not at all. But if you are young, beautiful and improving yourself there is NO reason beyond vanity reasons to be with someone you aren't actually attracted to.

2nd this!
Please dont waste time......find someone who loves you inside and out!!

farmers_daughter

I've been in a similar situation before, granted mine was worse, because I put up with WAY more things then you are right now. But we'll skip all of the gory details. I was afraid of leaving him because it was all I knew, I was comfortable, and he made me believe I could never find someone else. I wasn't treated the way I should be (like you're not), and I put up with it. I knew he was attracted to other girls (though at the time I didn't know he was being unfaithful). I just kept hanging on to the good times that had long since passed. I finally found the strength inside myself to leave him after over a year. No matter how many people told me to leave him, it didn't matter, something I had to figure out for myself. I was afraid to be alone, but just a few weeks after I broke up with that idiot, the man of my dreams walked into my life. We have since been together almost 5 years, and we are still just as happy & attracted to each other as we were in the beginning. He told me I was beautiful & sexy at 200lbs and he still tells me now that I have lost over 50lbs. You deserve to be with someone that thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and not look at any other women the way he looks at you. I hope you find the strength to move on & realize there is someone out there that will treat you how you deserve!

Oh I needed that.
I just need to say enough.

BeccaLevine

Stay strong sweetie!! Losing this guy won't be the end of your world!