Is it ok to be with someone who....
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My fiance and I were friends for a long time before an attraction developed, but he has told me that, from a male perspective no matter how much he liked me or how great a friendship we had, if he had never developed physical attraction to me he would not have pursued the relationship. Physical attraction isn't shallow, it is significant. And although I am a confident person, comfortable in my skin and don't need assurance from him to feel pretty, I still like to hear it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel like a particular person is attracted to you, and if he isn't I'm not sure whether that is the kind of thing you should have to work through.0
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totally agree!!Do not ever settle for a man who merely accepts you. If he doesn't want you desperately, you are wasting your time.0 -
What follows is just my opinion....He's my best friend, and I think that's what makes this so hard.
Sounds as though you are just friends, not in-love.He did mention that he knows of someone else that he might have a chance with, but he doubts, she's obviously skinnier.
He is not committed to the relationship.When I first knew him I was recently divorced to the one and only person I had ever dated or had sex with, so I did the running aroudn that I should have done when I was 20. This guy stuck it out and remained my best friend, the whole while he was dying inside feeling like he was being cheated on, but we had never called "us" offical or dating until a year ago.
Fairly easy to do when there is no love.So in a way I feel like he watched me do that and now in order to get this skinny chick out of his head I need to let him go and do his thing only to hve her break his heart and come back to me realizing what we had.
That never works. Change will happen and there is no going back.He's got such a good heart but has no support system and no positive role models in his life except for me (I believe) Friend say that he's got to fall HARD on his face before he will really see what he had with me.
If he isn't interested now, then falling hard isn't going to change it. Another words if he falls hard there is more than one recovery choice.
Do I deserve this. FFFFFFFFF no. But who am I to give up? The only person I've ever given up on is me. I put my kids before me, I put everyone before me. I'm learning how to deal with that VERY slowly.
I don't want to give up on him, I love that d@mn boy! ( I hate what love does to us, it makes us stupid )
And you are putting him before you again.
You really need to ask yourself one question.... "Can I live like this the rest of my life?"
We only live one life, and life is short, you only get one turn.
You never know... Your soul-mate could be nearby, but you seem to comfortable and afraid to let go of someone who leaves you unfulfilled.
Wouldn't you want to live the rest of your life with the same kind passion as "The Notebook"?
Sometimes, people are better just being friends. The way I see it, if you have to "Force" to fit, it isn't meant to be.
One last thing. There are just some things about people that cannot be changed, so waiting for it is just unnecessary punishment.0 -
Don't be with, or be friends with, anyone who doesn't value the relationship as much as you do. Everyone needs to be considered attractive and if he, the one person who should most be able to, can't tell you you're pretty, dump him.0
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You really need to ask yourself one question.... "Can I live like this the rest of my life?"
We only live one life, and life is short, you only get one turn.
You never know... Your soul-mate could be nearby, but you seem to comfortable and afraid to let go of someone who leaves you unfulfilled.
Wouldn't you want to live the rest of your life with the same kind passion as "The Notebook"?
Sometimes, people are better just being friends. The way I see it, if you have to "Force" to fit, it isn't meant to be.
One last thing. There are just some things about people that cannot be changed, so waiting for it is just unnecessary punishment.
I love love love love "The Notebook" but it is soo unrealistic that I hate it, it is what makes alot of lonely girls sit up at night and cry, or commit suicide. That stuff doesn't exist.
And yes, I do believe in a way that I'm too comfortable and I've invested too much to just leave and give up.
Unfortunately I think it's the same concept as having one job and not having another job lined up before you quit. I just don't want to face lonely. I am self sufficient, and very independent, I can make it on my own, but lonely sucks. I deserve better than lonely, I have soo much to offer, and such a huge heart. That nobody appreciates.
I'm singing to the choir i think, sorry. That was a vent.0 -
I love love love love "The Notebook" but it is soo unrealistic that I hate it, it is what makes alot of lonely girls sit up at night and cry, or commit suicide. That stuff doesn't exist.
I cannot say that I agree with you. At one time in my life I would have agreed with you. Now I can relate, my wife is my soul-mate and to me our relationship feels like "That"!
And yes, I am a guy and I admit, "The Notebook" was a very good movie!And yes, I do believe in a way that I'm too comfortable and I've invested too much to just leave and give up.
Unfortunately I think it's the same concept as having one job and not having another job lined up before you quit. I just don't want to face lonely. I am self sufficient, and very independent, I can make it on my own, but lonely sucks. I deserve better than lonely, I have soo much to offer, and such a huge heart. That nobody appreciates.
I'm singing to the choir i think, sorry. That was a vent.
That is OK. Fear of loneliness and just the unknown can keep a person from taking that step. But you have to question whether you can truly in your heart live with that the rest of your life. You certainly don't want to wait until you have squandered the years away as I did in an emotionally void marriage for nearly 16 years. It doesn't take to many years to turn "love" into hurt, resentment, and then finally anger.0 -
I've been in a similar situation before, granted mine was worse, because I put up with WAY more things then you are right now. But we'll skip all of the gory details. I was afraid of leaving him because it was all I knew, I was comfortable, and he made me believe I could never find someone else. I wasn't treated the way I should be (like you're not), and I put up with it. I knew he was attracted to other girls (though at the time I didn't know he was being unfaithful). I just kept hanging on to the good times that had long since passed. I finally found the strength inside myself to leave him after over a year. No matter how many people told me to leave him, it didn't matter, something I had to figure out for myself. I was afraid to be alone, but just a few weeks after I broke up with that idiot, the man of my dreams walked into my life. We have since been together almost 5 years, and we are still just as happy & attracted to each other as we were in the beginning. He told me I was beautiful & sexy at 200lbs and he still tells me now that I have lost over 50lbs. You deserve to be with someone that thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and not look at any other women the way he looks at you. I hope you find the strength to move on & realize there is someone out there that will treat you how you deserve!0
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Hell to the no.
Being with someone that is not attracted to you is basically self-inflicting punishment. This person and you need to have a real hard look and find out what went wrong and why. Is it really just plain old attraction? It could be other things.... men are simple but sometimes aren't able to just spill everything like us girls are.
If it's really just simple straight up non-attraction you need to weigh those pros and cons. I would have to be really stretching it to stay with someone I am NOT attracted to and visa versa. And it only gets worse as you get older. People won't magically change or become attracted to you. And we get older and we get wrinkly and our hair thins out and we loose our youth... It's inevitable.
I'm not saying leave someone because they got old and let go of themselves... no not at all. But if you are young, beautiful and improving yourself there is NO reason beyond vanity reasons to be with someone you aren't actually attracted to.
2nd this!
Please dont waste time......find someone who loves you inside and out!!0 -
I've been in a similar situation before, granted mine was worse, because I put up with WAY more things then you are right now. But we'll skip all of the gory details. I was afraid of leaving him because it was all I knew, I was comfortable, and he made me believe I could never find someone else. I wasn't treated the way I should be (like you're not), and I put up with it. I knew he was attracted to other girls (though at the time I didn't know he was being unfaithful). I just kept hanging on to the good times that had long since passed. I finally found the strength inside myself to leave him after over a year. No matter how many people told me to leave him, it didn't matter, something I had to figure out for myself. I was afraid to be alone, but just a few weeks after I broke up with that idiot, the man of my dreams walked into my life. We have since been together almost 5 years, and we are still just as happy & attracted to each other as we were in the beginning. He told me I was beautiful & sexy at 200lbs and he still tells me now that I have lost over 50lbs. You deserve to be with someone that thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and not look at any other women the way he looks at you. I hope you find the strength to move on & realize there is someone out there that will treat you how you deserve!
Oh I needed that.
I just need to say enough.0 -
Stay strong sweetie!! Losing this guy won't be the end of your world!
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He did mention that he knows of someone else that he might have a chance with, but he doubts, she's obviously skinnier.
After reading your first post, I was thinking, "Well, it just shows that love is more than physical attraction - you have to love the person within and clearly he does". But after the post above, I'm thinking that he'll jump if something (he considers) better comes along. In other words, if you're getting physical, then he's probably using you.
I fear it can only bring you unhappiness in the long term.
It's possible I'm talking nonsense, though. After all, my head is full of kapok.
But what does your profile title say?
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Been with my wife for almost 25 years now. I still get tongue-tied around her. I still get excited by her gaze, her touch, her smell. And she feels the same way. I always catch her looking at me when she thinks I am distracted by something else and I am always sneaking a peek at her too.
This is the cutest thing ever. This is the kind of relationship I want to be in.0 -
This is kind of funny to me. This girl initially, prior to this comment:He did mention that he knows of someone else that he might have a chance with, but he doubts, she's obviously skinnier.
Seemed to have found the one guy on the planet that has shown that he feels what's underneath counts more than what's on the outside...and everyone told her to leave him lol!! On any other post, when the guy doesn't seem attracted, he's an *kitten* for putting the outside before the inside!Do not ever settle for a man who merely accepts you. If he doesn't want you desperately, you are wasting your time.
Initially, for sure. If you're lucky, it'll stay that way forever (I make it my business to make sure it stays that way, I couldn't live without that...and the surest way to get it, is to give it)...most of the time though...it doesn't. So unless you plan on getting a divorce every time things get to that comfortable place where 'wants you desperately' takes a back seat to 'wants sleep desperately', you might want to do some serious thinking on that matter.0 -
This is kind of funny to me. This girl initially, prior to this comment:He did mention that he knows of someone else that he might have a chance with, but he doubts, she's obviously skinnier.
Seemed to have found the one guy on the planet that has shown that he feels what's underneath counts more than what's on the outside...and everyone told her to leave him lol!! On any other post, when the guy doesn't seem attracted, he's an *kitten* for putting the outside before the inside!Do not ever settle for a man who merely accepts you. If he doesn't want you desperately, you are wasting your time.
Initially, for sure. If you're lucky, it'll stay that way forever (I make it my business to make sure it stays that way, I couldn't live without that...and the surest way to get it, is to give it)...most of the time though...it doesn't. So unless you plan on getting a divorce every time things get to that comfortable place where 'wants you desperately' takes a back seat to 'wants sleep desperately', you might want to do some serious thinking on that matter.
I don't think what you are saying is quite the same as the OP's situation. In your example, it started out with the physical attraction, and yes sometimes things get in the way and you get comfortable. But as a couple, you have to work on getting the physical aspects of the relationship back. IMO you shouldn't just ignore it or let it be.
To OP, what you need is confident and to realize that you deserve more than what you have. Is it really LOVE that you have for each other? Or are you both just comfortable? It sounds like he is just as comfortable as you, and is only not pursuing the other girl because he is afraid of rejection. Personally, I wouldn't want that, but it's your life and only you can answer that question.0 -
This is kind of funny to me. This girl initially, prior to this comment:He did mention that he knows of someone else that he might have a chance with, but he doubts, she's obviously skinnier.
Seemed to have found the one guy on the planet that has shown that he feels what's underneath counts more than what's on the outside...and everyone told her to leave him lol!! On any other post, when the guy doesn't seem attracted, he's an *kitten* for putting the outside before the inside!Do not ever settle for a man who merely accepts you. If he doesn't want you desperately, you are wasting your time.
Initially, for sure. If you're lucky, it'll stay that way forever (I make it my business to make sure it stays that way, I couldn't live without that...and the surest way to get it, is to give it)...most of the time though...it doesn't. So unless you plan on getting a divorce every time things get to that comfortable place where 'wants you desperately' takes a back seat to 'wants sleep desperately', you might want to do some serious thinking on that matter.
I don't think what you are saying is quite the same as the OP's situation. In your example, it started out with the physical attraction, and yes sometimes things get in the way and you get comfortable. But as a couple, you have to work on getting the physical aspects of the relationship back. IMO you shouldn't just ignore it or let it be.
To OP, what you need is confident and to realize that you deserve more than what you have. Is it really LOVE that you have for each other? Or are you both just comfortable? It sounds like he is just as comfortable as you, and is only not pursuing the other girl because he is afraid of rejection. Personally, I wouldn't want that, but it's your life and only you can answer that question.
You're right, it's not. The first part was an observation based on the first dozen or so replies to her initial post...basically that it was ironic that someone seemed to have found a guy that loved her for her, not her appearance, and they all wanted him to leave. After she commented about the other girl part, etc...that became irrelevant. The second part of my post was directed at the post I quoted.
And for the record...I agree completely. When I love someone...I don't think it's ever possible to get enough of them. Yes, you get comfortable...that's a good thing, but not so comfortable that you don't really care how long it takes you to get home from work, not because you want to relax...but because that's where SHE is.0 -
Says that they are not attracted to your body.
They don't ridicule you, they don't mention it, they never mention that you need to lose weight, none of that.
You don't find this out until you dig, and dig into a different subject and this comes out.
"I don't think it's rite for you to be attracted to me, but me not attracted to you"
Emotionally, we are great.
I say physical can change, and if he isn't going to ridicule me about it then it's not that big of a deal, in time, I'll be the person I want to be. He says "its hot when" and " your so beautiful/hot when you...." during sex, but...
My "other hand" says, I need him to say I'm pretty, I need him to think I'm hot. But that's the hand I'm trying to chop off...the one that "needs" someone else to say that to me.
Read first sentence... That's all I needed...
I think it is funny if some one stays in a relationship when their partner doesn't find them attractive... Like COME ON!0 -
If you're questioning it... I say ditch him.0
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It's nothing to worry about, it just sounds like he could be a closet gay, thats all.0
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wait wait wait.... hes not attracted to you and hes telling you about a girl he might have a shot with?? Cut and run dear. This will not end well for you.0
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wait wait wait.... hes not attracted to you and hes telling you about a girl he might have a shot with?? Cut and run dear. This will not end well for you.
That's what I was thinking. :huh: It sounds like maybe he sees this as a "friends with benefits" relationship, and you see it as a romantic one...Since you have been together 3 years, have you discussed clearly what kind of relationship this is and what kind of future it has? If so, and it IS a romantic relationship then...:noway: Please leave0
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