Being Shallow...

castadiva

We reward people on their physical appearance. We punish those that don't fit into what our society says is beautiful. The power to be shallow is given by us.

There tend to be three stages a person can exist in:

The stage where one is sneered at and japed at.

The stage where one is invisible to the world.

The stage where people are nice to you.

Have you noticed if you were fat moving towards not fat that the stages are changing for you?

Too true, and yes, I have noticed it. It makes me quite angry, and certainly more cynical.

bushidowoman

I think getting in shape has made me nicer.
When I hated the way I looked, I had less confidence, a "poor me--look at what all these children have done to me" attitude, and was often depressed. I also didn't feel as well physically when I wasn't taking care of myself. No energy meant I did less.
Now that I feel better, I extend more grace and kindness to myself, and I think I extend more grace and kindness to others. I feel like I have more to give.

WhatDoesLisa

OMG, I am vain too! I really can't understand why Tom Hardy or The Rock aren't interested in me.

But on a serious note, people tell me I am vain but I can't make that connection and lose the weight yet. You would think I would be skinny.

saturnine15

I have to say that I do understand how big weight loss can change people. They go from being taunted and shamed, to being someone they maybe thought they could never be, It is a powerful change, and can have a huge effect on people emotionally.

I lost a lot of weight as a teen and became a total snot about it. As someone pointed out, bad behavior of the recently thin is often overcompensation. I definitely agree, In the past ten years I put all the weight back on again, and done some growing up - I am 27 now. I do not want to lose kindness or compassion along with the pounds. It happened before, and I won't let it happen again. It is a poor show of character, and an obvious show of past emotional injury. A little introspection can go a long way.

BrettPGH

I can only speak for myself - but when I was a higher weight, I let people walk all over me, i had low self-esteem and would not be looking out for my best interests.

40 lbs later (not all on MFP...) I'm more confident and not willing to let people dominate me and control me...so I don't think it's shallowness, but maybe confidence in themselves and their ability to speak up.

I'm getting the impression this has something to do with a personal experience you had? If so, none of us can answer to that except for that person.

This.

They say that winning a bunch of money doesn't change you, it changes the people around you. I'd say similar things happen with weight loss.

Some people can become jerks. Most just get more confidence in themselves. Sometimes other people don't like that because they've enjoyed seeing that person as a doormat and don't want that to change.

It's not like ALL people who lose weight become arrogant pricks. You're thinking of someone specific. So whatever you're talking about relates only to them. Not everyone as a whole.

maab_connor

i think that for some ppl, they think that losing weight is going to "fix" everything that's wrong. and yet, you lose weight and your problems are still there, or you've traded them for new problems.

if you don't work on all aspects of yourself - inside as well as outside - then you're still going to be miserable. and you work that hard to lose weight and look awesome, but you're still miserable? you can't let anyone know that. so you lash out.

therapy, ppl. therapy. it's good for you.

atsteele

Since looks have never been part of my allure, I doubt losing a couple pounds is going change me. Still going to have to work on my personality.

Same for me. Especially the personality improvement part.

jackpotclown

I've been up and down the scale so much that I don't act any different, and agree with those who say the person must've been shallow in the first place

rileamoyer

I did not change my personality, I just became more energetic and confident in my appearance. I began to enjoy wearing nice clothes etc. I think DH struggled a little with enjoying my new look and energy and noticing I was being noticed more, but now he likes to notify me if I am being noticed, so in that respect - it helped us both (wink wink).

Allie_71

For me it's the silly changes that make me happy. At 230 lbs, there is no way I would walk down the street eating something. Ever. EVER. An apple, an ice cream, a fricking carrot. I felt like people were looking at me thinking, "ohhh, look at that girl eating. she's so gross, no wonder she's fat". No one ever did, but I suddenly thought myself a mind reader because I figure they were thinking it.

75 lbs lighter, I somehow don't worry about it. It just happened. I'm not projecting my self-loathing onto people. And it's pretty damned good feeling. When you're heavy, sometimes it's the burden of unhappiness that's weiging you down too. It's not being shallow, it's feeling worthy enough to not wallow in shame. *shrug* I'll take it.

LorinaLynn

I don't think it changes people, but amplifies what's already there. It's like drinking alcohol.... Some people are the same if they're drunk or sober, and some people get the courage to be as obnoxious on the outside as they've always been on the inside.

MandaJean83

I don't think it changes people, but amplifies what's already there. It's like drinking alcohol.... Some people are the same if they're drunk or sober, and some people get the courage to be as obnoxious on the outside as they've always been on the inside.

I tend to believe this!!!

castadiva

For me it's the silly changes that make me happy. At 230 lbs, there is no way I would walk down the street eating something. Ever. EVER. An apple, an ice cream, a fricking carrot. I felt like people were looking at me thinking, "ohhh, look at that girl eating. she's so gross, no wonder she's fat". No one ever did, but I suddenly thought myself a mind reader because I figure they were thinking it.

75 lbs lighter, I somehow don't worry about it. It just happened. I'm not projecting my self-loathing onto people. And it's pretty damned good feeling. When you're heavy, sometimes it's the burden of unhappiness that's weiging you down too. It's not being shallow, it's feeling worthy enough to not wallow in shame. *shrug* I'll take it.

Beautifully put!

SwannySez

I dunno, I think that any major change that a person gos through has the potential to alter who they are fundamentally.

Smokers who quit often become the harshest ctitics of those who continmue to smoke.

Alcoholics can turn into the shrillest critics of drinking.

People who switch churches often become the arch-enemies of their former religion and the greatest evangelists of theit new one.

The way I see it is that in many cases - not ALL, mind you - that someone who goes through a change like that subconsciously fears that which they have left behind. Obviously they changed for a reason and if it was a najor change and took a while to accomplish, then it was something that had quite a hold on them. I believe that deep down there is a part of them that fears giving any power back to whatever it was they left.

Alos, people often need see their own struggles as universal, so they attribute their own fight to others. I know plenty of alcoholics who see anyone who ever drinks as an alcoholic and views the whole world as in denial and subject to the whims of the conspiracy of alcohol. I'm not even kidding. It's easier to see something as a universal scourge affecting everyon than it is to admit, "Hey, maybe this is just about me."

I see how people are talking about having new confidence and not letting others walk all over them, but in my mind that wasn't really what the OP was talking about. I see people who have lost a lot of weight sometimes become the very people they used to hate. Not our of mean-spritedness always, but worse: out of a twisted form of kindness - "I'm not being mean, I'm justb telling you like it is. You NEED to hear this!"

I wish sometimes those people could go back to who they were and remember how someone using that approach might have seemed to them back when the shoe was on the other foot.

Maybe I read the whole thing wrong.

But I think that there's no real way around it. Some people will go through this because they have still not realy dealt with the issues that led them to be where they were in the first place. They may have conquered a symptom, but the disease stil runs rampant through their bodies.

LondonEliza

I am a sarcastic caustic dismissive moo-cow now and when I lose *mumble mumble* lbs, I shall just be a leaner meaner more sarcastic version of myself....... with a great bottom.

I shall never be shallow though. That is just a vice too far

:laugh: Good for you! :drinker:

Thank you, I try

cr9576

Idk Im just a bi**ch now lol well to most guys but thats because ive been in some pretty bad relationships but watever thats another topic

"back then they didnt want me now im hot n they all on me"-mike jones lol

mdsjmom98

Sad as this my sound, no matter how much weight I lose, when I look in the mirror, I'm still going to see a fat girl.

atsteele

They didn't "become shallow". They were always shallow. It's just that they were fat and shallow, which meant they probably hated themselves because they were that which they sneered at.

Now that they are not fat, they are just shallow again.

We reward people on their physical appearance. We punish those that don't fit into what our society says is beautiful. The power to be shallow is given by us.

There tend to be three stages a person can exist in:

The stage where one is sneered at and japed at.

The stage where one is invisible to the world.

The stage where people are nice to you.

Have you noticed if you were fat moving towards not fat that the stages are changing for you?

Although I have no doubt that people can be discriminated against due to their appearance, I think that our own biggest challenge sometimes is ourselves. We create the stage. It's more a matter of perspective. Generally speaking, I think that if you are kind to people, people are kind to you.






... which is why I have no friends. BUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! ;P

coachblt

I hate to admit this, but I'm shallow when it comes relationships. Let me explain:

If I'm not attracted to a person, there's no way I'd kiss her. Now, not every woman I'm attracted too is attractive, not to others anyway. But to me, she'll be gorgeous.

I don't treat people differently, but when it comes to dating, I have that one rule, which apparently shallow.

HotBodUnderConstruction

I dunno, I think that any major change that a person gos through has the potential to alter who they are fundamentally.

Smokers who quit often become the harshest ctitics of those who continmue to smoke.

Alcoholics can turn into the shrillest critics of drinking.

People who switch churches often become the arch-enemies of their former religion and the greatest evangelists of theit new one.

The way I see it is that in many cases - not ALL, mind you - that someone who goes through a change like that subconsciously fears that which they have left behind. Obviously they changed for a reason and if it was a najor change and took a while to accomplish, then it was something that had quite a hold on them. I believe that deep down there is a part of them that fears giving any power back to whatever it was they left.

Alos, people often need see their own struggles as universal, so they attribute their own fight to others. I know plenty of alcoholics who see anyone who ever drinks as an alcoholic and views the whole world as in denial and subject to the whims of the conspiracy of alcohol. I'm not even kidding. It's easier to see something as a universal scourge affecting everyon than it is to admit, "Hey, maybe this is just about me."

I see how people are talking about having new confidence and not letting others walk all over them, but in my mind that wasn't really what the OP was talking about. I see people who have lost a lot of weight sometimes become the very people they used to hate. Not our of mean-spritedness always, but worse: out of a twisted form of kindness - "I'm not being mean, I'm justb telling you like it is. You NEED to hear this!"

I wish sometimes those people could go back to who they were and remember how someone using that approach might have seemed to them back when the shoe was on the other foot.

Maybe I read the whole thing wrong.

But I think that there's no real way around it. Some people will go through this because they have still not realy dealt with the issues that led them to be where they were in the first place. They may have conquered a symptom, but the disease stil runs rampant through their bodies.

I completely agree with this entire post. In my opinion, we tend to be hardest on others who have qualities that we ourselves have/or used to have. I have a friend who lost 70lbs and now is hyper critical of every "lazy" person who waits to park at the front of the grocery store as opposed to getting the empty parking space all the way at the end and walking. I'm very self aware and when I find someone to be off putting...it doesn't take me long to realize what it is...I don't like them because they do some of the things I don't like about myself!