Disordered thoughts, beyond obsession?

CatherineElizabeth13

So I've lost 22lbs over the past couple of months, taking me down to 162lbs, I see NO difference, all I see is fat.
I was asked to hand in a food diary at my gym, and was told today that I'm just not eating enough.
I had a bit of a breakdown and told them that I'm terrified to eat.
He told me I have disordered thoughts regarding my image, and it's a common sign of anorexia.
I eat around 600 calories a day (yes, I have lied on my food diary here, the reality is a lot less), and I usually burn around 700 at the gym. On top of that I take pills to boost my energy and metabolism, I'm aware they are unsafe, but my desperation has got me to this point.
I am a law student with really important exams starting next week, and I can't focus on studies, I can't focus on anything but food.
Everything has become a calculation, intake vs calorie burn.
I have had some comments of friends who are concerned that I'm becoming Obsessed.

I just wondered if this is anything to worry about, I'm not particularly worried myself, as I feel that it's a plan that's working. The only concern I have is that I can't see any difference, so I might reach my goal weight and still see the 184lb girl I used to be. If that's the case, I will keep wanting to be smaller and smaller.

I'm only putting this out there because people are getting worried. I just wondered what peoples thoughts were..

Hit me with it,

sareid77

Hi, I'm new to this site and am excited to get started. When I came across your post I was shocked at your diet! If you're burning that many calories your body needs more fuel! I think it's GREAT if you've lost 22lbs in the past couple months! You should be proud. Really! I don't know you but from what you've written it sounds worrisome, maybe not obsessive. I know for me, once I started working out and eating better it feels so good that it is almost addicting but in a good way. It's ok to do calculations but you have to be safe and if you put good in, you'll get good out. In the last few months I've become more aware of what I eat in addition to my workouts and I really feel the best I have in a long time. Don't get discouraged. And you can't always go by what the scale says. It's not going to happen over night either. To get healthy and to the weight you want will take time but will be SO worth it!

CatherineElizabeth13

I don't find it to be obsessive, it was other people who have accused me of it.
Oddly enough, the nasty comments come from friends who are fat.
But anyway, thank you for your response and welcome to MFP
Everyone here is so nice and supportive, you are in the best place to feel encouraged, good luck!

TheAncientMariner

Never go by what the scale says. Eating less than 1200 calories raises eyebrows, but I think that anyone can tell you that eating 600 calories and less is not the way to lose weight. Ditch the pills because they are masking your body literally eating itself alive. There is no good in losing weight if you're not going to be strong enough to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Eat more and exercise reasonably. I'm just going to keep it real and let you know that you do sound like that there may be a mental issue there and you should seek help, but this is based on my limited knowledge and how you are justifying such an unhealthy lifestyle. Regardless of which path you choose, I wish you luck.

CatherineElizabeth13

I'm just going to keep it real and let you know that you do sound like that there may be a mental issue there and you should seek help,

I was bulimic at 15, the recovery left me heavier than when I started. Maybe I haven't fully dealt with the thought pattern related to the disorder. I think my problem is admitting there is a problem. Doctors freak me out.

katy84o

I don't know if this will help at all: but an observation that I made while reading what you wrote, you said:

"I am a law student with really important exams starting next week, and I can't focus on studies, I can't focus on anything but food".
then three sentences later you say:
"I just wondered if this is anything to worry about, I'm not particularly worried myself, as I feel that it's a plan that's working".

To me if you can't think of anything but food, that's a plan that's not working. I hope you can figure out what you are looking for.

etavi

Please eat more.
I was anorexic in high school. As soon as I became healthy I gained EVERYTHING back in a couple months.
I don't understand how you're not completely exhausted, but it might be the pills covering up that your body is possibly shutting down.
I understand what its like to be desperate, but trust me, restricting yourself is only going to come back to hurt you.

StarkLark

Sounds like you are making progress, but at what cost?

Based solely on some of the info you posted, I am concerned for you also. Ditch the pills, eat more, and try and relax a little bit. All easier said than done right?

I've got a feeling you didn't gain all your weight in a month or two so it's not going to come off in a month or two. My advice is to do some research (the forums are packed with great info) and create a routine that is healthy and give it time to work. Good luck and props for reaching out!

MelKut

I think you probably don't see a lot of change in the mirror because you're eating too little and your body is grabbing your muscle as fuel because its way easier to breakdown into glucose than fats. So you are losing WEIGHT but its probably muscle, your fat is still the same. And since muscle is more compact than fat, you don't look the same as you would if you lost 22 lbs of just fat.

And that IS anorexic thought, that you should be netting 0 or less calories. MFP has 1200 NET, so if you exercise, you eat more, and if you don't, you eat 1200. You eat 600, burn 700 so you net negative. So when you DON'T exercise, that would be 0 calories to get the same results.

CatherineElizabeth13

I should point out that the weight loss so far hasn't been due to lack of food.
I did start with 1300 calories.
But as the weight loss slowed, I just added more exercise and ate less food.. Leading up to this point.
I have noticed some side effects like when I stand up sometimes I feel so weak I have to sit down and try again.
I will try to up the calories, I don't want to kill myself trying to be thin, what good is a little black dress if it can only be worn in a coffin I guess.
It's just difficult to get past the fear I feel when I go shopping, or go to the fridge. But I will try.

MelKut

Yeah I started at 1200 but I did NOT want to lower because I just love food. So I kept increasing... funny how different minds work :ohwell:

I'm eating between 2000-2350 cals per day, exercising 5-6 times a week (this is without eating calories back, counting exercise calories is just too different per person). Also, my workouts are usually less than an hour, except for once a week when I have long runs. I have NOT gained any weight, lost a little, but I'm fine with that because I'm pretty close to my goal and am just focusing on making all this a habit instead of losing all my weight now.

Sorry for the random bit, but I'm just mentioning it to say that I'm NOT stressing or obsessing anymore about my weight, I know I have the rest of my life to maintain my weight, so why not practice now?

CatherineElizabeth13

I don't think I could physically eat 2000 calories o.O
I'm never hungry.
I will try to up it to 1200 though,
I don't want to relax too much, because if I stay at this weight any longer I will scream.
I will work on maintenance when I reach 125

jmach002

your weight loss stall is probably due to eating too few calories. initally starting on a very low calorie diet will cause a dramatic weight loss. however down the line it will slow your metabolism down and your body will store whatever few calories you consume to keep basic body functions working, for example your brain and your heart (those are important as i understand it).

it does sound like you have an obession over food. you need to speak with someone who can help you through your fear. i bet that your law school has counseling or has services that can help.

i wish you the best of luck and i certainly hope that you can find the help you need and get back on track.

gailmelanie

I agree with the guy who said you are, in essence, eating your body alive by taking in less than you expend. If you don't have the energy to exercise, that should be the wake-up call that you are literally killing yourself slowly. I think you want to live since you reached out to us for feedback. I completely understand feeling fat and seeing nothing but fat in the mirror. I remember thinking the same things about myself 30 years ago when I weighed over 40 lbs less than I do now. That is a mental state, one that I would like to correct, so I can feel better about myself AS I AM! I hope you can shift your point of view to come to some semblance of self-acceptance, even love, so that you can take care of yourself. You are going to have to rescue yourself. I would offer you a hug, if it were possible to do that via internet, to try to show you what genuine acceptance feels like so you can do it for yourself. Not that I'm any expert at genuine self-acceptance, as I said before, but I do know how to accept love, support and compliments from others and that helps me not be so disgusted with myself. I recommend taking everyone's advice given so far. We are strangers and have nothing to gain by bull****ting you with false compliments.

MelKut

I don't think I could physically eat 2000 calories o.O
I'm never hungry.
I will try to up it to 1200 though,
I don't want to relax too much, because if I stay at this weight any longer I will scream.
I will work on maintenance when I reach 125

Yeah its pretty hard haha but I love food, and I eat every few hours and its awesome lol

Yeah, definitely increase your calories, and decrease your exercise for the time being... just give your body a break and give it time to repair your muscles and all that When you can think clearly, focus on schoolwork (remember, carbs are brainfood) and generally go through your day without thinking about food every minute then you can think about adding exercise. Yes you MAY see an increase on the scales but that is temporary, so don't freak out, maybe take a break from the scale

Also, keep us updated on your progress and how you are feeling day to day I don't want ANYONE to be eating too little and getting discouraged. I want to see a bunch of happy healthy people

zellagrrl

Same thing-- I lost a good amount of weight with the help of an ED and when I stopped (with the help of a doctor), I gained about half the weight back. It's been brutal, and as I told my fiancé, I have my good days and my bad days (and yesterday was BAD) but you just have to keep aware of what you're doing and take it as it comes. I wish it got easier, but it doesn't.

drea0703

First of all, I am very sorry you have to go through all of this stress! What strikes me the most reading your posts here is your anxiety of losing control and your focus on your body solely.
I think that it might be helpful to you to talk to somebody who can help you with that. Obsessive thoughts of any kind and the urge to control something (in your case body weight) are usually just something to help supress anxiety.
If you find different coping strategies for that you might have a more relaxed approach to eating and be able to trust yourself that you will stay on track without obsessing.
Good luck and all my love to you!

gracefulotus

I'm 5'1, started at 76kgs (167lb) with a goal to get down to 57kgs (125lb). I started in November last year, and have a plan to eat 1200cal, and train at the gym (weight training and cardio) 5 days a week, followed by yoga on the remaining two days. I'm also aware that the weight loss will take time i.e. 2kgs/month loss at the most.

How tall are you?
600 calories is well below the recomended minimum for women.

I would recommend increasing your calorie intake to at least 1200calories, putting in a good training programme, and having a realistic long-term goal. Taking in too little calories, and relying on uppers will leave you
- unable to think straight cos there's not enough glucose in your body
- unable to train strong - again lack of fuel
- unable to develop muscle in order to burn more bodyfat
- unable to see real results
- potentially damaging your gut.

I'm making these comments based on having tried in the past to lose weight by eating very little as well and relying on fat burners and caffeine. I was struggling with pain and was on anti-inflammatory painkillers which ruined my gut, and the fat burner and caffeine on top of it ruined the lining of my stomach. Has taken me 2 years to fix it.

CatherineElizabeth13

How tall are you?

I am 5'2
Short people just don't carry weight as nicely as taller people -.-

gracefulotus

That's absolutely true. But look, you're taller than me, and I'm eating more than you, and am able to still study hard and train super hard! I was at the gym yesterday and did lunges and squats with a 15kgs barbell. The guys around me were intrigued at this little shorty who was lifting heavy. But, I don't care. The more muscle I build the looser my clothes are getting - even though I'm only averaging a 2kg loss/month.

Eat a good solid diet and go get yourself an awesome exercise plan and just kill it. This will be much more rewarding and you'll look awesome with lean muscles by the time you hit your goal weight.

gracefulotus

Check out this chick.. she's 5'1!
http://www.facebook.com/littlebshealthyhabits

If it helps, I'm currently doing this program. I'm at week 4, day 2:
http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/jamie-easons-livefit-phase-1.html

Good luck! You can do it, but don't go for shortcuts i.e. starving yourself.

gracefulotus

Though participants typically lost weight over the eight week diet, most regained a substantial amount of it over the next year and many reported feeling hungrier and more food obsessed than before the diet.

"That's because, according to the study, the participants' brains released hormones making them feel like they were starving. Their metabolisms also slowed and more of the food they ate was stored as fat."

From: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/25/why-diets-dont-work-long-term-cause-weight-gain_n_1452875.html

dovesgate

Here's a link for you to read:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/3047-700-calories-a-day-and-not-losing

gogojodee

I agree with the guy who said you are, in essence, eating your body alive by taking in less than you expend. If you don't have the energy to exercise, that should be the wake-up call that you are literally killing yourself slowly. I think you want to live since you reached out to us for feedback. I completely understand feeling fat and seeing nothing but fat in the mirror. I remember thinking the same things about myself 30 years ago when I weighed over 40 lbs less than I do now. That is a mental state, one that I would like to correct, so I can feel better about myself AS I AM! I hope you can shift your point of view to come to some semblance of self-acceptance, even love, so that you can take care of yourself. You are going to have to rescue yourself. I would offer you a hug, if it were possible to do that via internet, to try to show you what genuine acceptance feels like so you can do it for yourself. Not that I'm any expert at genuine self-acceptance, as I said before, but I do know how to accept love, support and compliments from others and that helps me not be so disgusted with myself. I recommend taking everyone's advice given so far. We are strangers and have nothing to gain by bull****ting you with false compliments.

Agreed. I know you don't want to hear it - but you need to eat more. That's why you aren't losing.

I'm having the same struggle about my calories because, I'm a picky eater, I have food allergies and a wheat intolerance so I try to cut wheat out as much as I can. And everything I do like isn't that great to begin with! How's that for a catch 22!

Try finding foods that you like and try finding new ways to prepare them/eat them. Eating better will help with the weight loss.

It is hard, but you reached out. You're alive, you're human, you're worth it. *hug*

ShrinkRapt451

I don't know if this will help at all: but an observation that I made while reading what you wrote, you said:

"I am a law student with really important exams starting next week, and I can't focus on studies, I can't focus on anything but food".
then three sentences later you say:
"I just wondered if this is anything to worry about, I'm not particularly worried myself, as I feel that it's a plan that's working".

To me if you can't think of anything but food, that's a plan that's not working. I hope you can figure out what you are looking for.

This. Please re-read the first paragraph or so of your original post. You're using words like "desperation" and "can't focus on anything but food." You know you have had an eating disorder in the past, and that you can't see yourself as anything but fat right now. You loathe the fat person, to the extent that it is actively interfering with the rest of your life.

Doctors may freak you out, my dear, but right now a good therapist would be a good idea. (Full disclosure: I'm a doctor.) Please stop slowly killing yourself. I've seen too many women whose bodies are in shambles right now, after a decade or so of disordered eating. Remember that your body is not YOU, but that you need your body and your brain to be working at their best so that you can fully enjoy your life. Right now -- and you've said it yourself -- they're not. Which means that what you're doing isn't working. Time to do something different that will work better. I agree that slowly bumping up your calories and losing the supplements are good first starts. But figuring out how to like and respect YOU, regardless of what your body looks like, will not magically happen even at your goal weight. That comes from within.

michaelsgirl1210

I have OCD, so if I'm not careful, I can get stuck in a loop of being obsessed with my calories and exercise. A major trigger is if I get deficient in B vitamins. Perhaps since your food intake is so low, a vitamin deficiency is making your more obsessive. Do you take a vitamin supplement? Sleep deprivation can also affect obsessive thoughts. I know everyone wants to talk about calories first, but I know from experience you have to help yourself mentally before physically, so if you can get the thoughts under control first, your calorie intake will be much easier to manage.

shakybabe

I you're using pills they are probably acting as an appetite supressant so you are never hungry. Try ditching the pills.

If you exercise that much your metabolism will improve anyway but not whilst your body is trying to slow it down cos its not getting enough fuel.


first ditch the pills, then try eating more fruit or salad or veg. These don't contain huge amounts of calories but will help increase your volume of food whilst you can still feel ok about it as there are so few calories in them.

Try something like a low carb diet, or clean eating - most cals will come from prepackaged ready meals and huge portions of fries or loads of bread etc. cutting them out means you can eat alot more of the good stuff, increase the volume of what you eat and stay within the amount of calories you need for your body.

once you get comfortable with having more on your plate then you can try adding a small portion of potato or something onto it so visually its the same amount (if remove some of the salad and veg) but a different food group.

You need to remember that whilst your only eating 600 and burning 700 your metabolism is getting slower and slower and the pills aren't doing anything other than putting extra strain on your heart muscle.

Fat Burners work better to give you energy to exercise but you need to be eating more to fuel it, they work better for people who eat too much and don't exercise enough and who often take them in place of exercise so they don't have to go jog around the block!

Try and get the focus back on your studies. I've just had a very busy hectic month and just relaised I haven't even thought about my weight once or been getting on the scales everyday. Even with the occasional choc bars I haven't gained (I just checked now) cos most of my diet is healthy and I've been exercising everyday even if its only on pedal exerciser whilst watching telly. Find some healthy snacks and get back to your studies.

CatherineElizabeth13

I will try to balance things out.
I have been recommended whey protein to have after workouts, just to stop my body damaging or burning away my muscles.
So I'm going to try that, and I will try to hit 1200 daily.
I don't like to eat my exercise calories back though, I never used to and it didn't seem to be a problem.
I haven't eaten as yet today, due to a massive lie in.. But I will try to make myself eat 1200.
My calorie intake always suffers because I'm pretty much lactose intolerant, and dairy usually carries the higher calorie content.
I will go and make some lunch now, my housemate is making sure I'm eating as she's worried sick.
So I have her there to tell me when I'm being unreasonable with the portions

miranda_mom

(yes, I have lied on my food diary here, the reality is a lot less)

I think this was the most concerning line in your post. Being honest in your diary will be the most helpful thing - you are only lying to yourself.

mfpcopine

Although low-calorie diets and medications work for some people, they work best when the people are under medical supervision. Sometimes they are in a hospital. I don't think you should be eating so little on your own and medicating yourself.

Who is "He"? A doctor? I'm not saying the person at the gym is wrong, but you should see a doctor and a psychologist or psychiatrist. See if you can get a referral to a registered dietitian who knows what s/he's talking about. Guidance needs to be tailored to the individual. 600 calories is almost certainly too low for an unmonitored person, but 2,000 may be too high.


I'm sure the stress of your exams is a major contributor. Maybe you'd even prefer to stress about the weight than the exams. Important exams take over your life (I speak as someone who's had to take exams in graduate school and to obtain a professional license, an exam that had a pretty high failure rate.). I suggest that you declare a moratorium on diet and exercise for the next two weeks. You can take a walk or stretch or dance to music if you want. Eat whatever you want and concentrate on your studies. Even if you were to eat the worst possible diet, a week or two won't make a difference in the long run.

Get through your exams, then work on your health.

Good luck.

bcampbell54

I like how we're talking about this like a math problem. This is not a weight loss issue.
Let's break it down:
You're afraid to eat. You are not seeing changes in your body which are documented by your weight loss. You had a "breakdown" with your trainer. You have asked a roomful of strangers if you have a mental illness, then counter their suggestions.
Certainly no harm can be done by seeking the advice of a mental health professional, unless you spend the money and then go argue with them.