Disordered thoughts, beyond obsession?

Masterdo

I don't like to eat my exercise calories back though, I never used to and it didn't seem to be a problem.

Well, your weight loss did slow down, and that's exactly what not eating enough will do, so I'd say you have experienced first hand the problem that comes from that.

If calories in vs calories out was that simple, no metabolism involved, we would all just stop eating for a few weeks to lose weight. The truth is that's not the way to do it, obviously. I would start by eating more and giving yourself some time to assess your goals and plans. This will also give you some better quality time to study too, which is nice

Then find long terms activities that you like and want to sustain even at maintenance weight. Gym workouts are not appealing to everybody, maybe that's not the thing for you, but there is probably something you will like to do to stay active. Start doing that right after your exams, and never stop Then you can see eating as a way to fuel your daily activities and workouts, stuff that you like. That's a mindset that is much more likely to work and lead you to healthy thoughts and fitness, rather than an obsessive mindset, focused on weight and numbers

Good luck!

echoica

text book eating disorder. you need to see a doc asap!

AlsDonkBoxSquat

How tall are you?

I am 5'2
Short people just don't carry weight as nicely as taller people -.-

I'm 5'3" and I get upset by this misconception. It has nothing to do with height and everything to do with composition. I'm muscular and can therefore carry weight just fine at a nice size.
Please look the last posting in my blog the difference between an unhealthy and unfit size 6/8US and a healthy size 0/2US on me ends up being 1 pound (and I'm looking forward to make that a larger difference in the other direction as I futher embrace my capabilities): http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/allabtlm

I delt with ED's as a teenager. You say that it's your friends that call you obsessed, but what you are describing is an obsession (fear of the scale and refrigerator, fear of eating, always counting calories in and calories out, not being able to focus on anything else especially your schooling). What you're describing isn't a gateway into a healthy life but a gateway into a hospital bed. ED's are generally a symptom of an bigger mental or emotional issue (you feel powerless or out of control and need something to control so it ends up being this to an obsessive point). On top of a nutritionist you need a therapist.

You can be a certain weight and be unhealthy, or you can throw out the damn scale and stop obsessing about numbers, and claim a healthy life by finding an appopriate balance between food and exercise. I guarentee if you don't turn this thing around you're going to end up in a hospital or worse, and it sounds to be from your description of simply having difficulty standing it's going to happen sooner rather than later. Therapy to balance out your thought process would take you a long way.

CatherineElizabeth13

I'm not disagreeing with any of you, I'm not trying to justify the way I am approaching weight loss.
I am merely correct anything people say that I don't feel is true to myself.
like I said, I am trying to increase to 1200, and I will aim to do that every day.
I am aware that my history with bulimia makes my mind more susceptible to a relapse into an eating disorder.
I will speak to my GP, though the mental health service in this county is beyond useless.
I think I need to sort my head out

mfpcopine

How tall are you?

I am 5'2
Short people just don't carry weight as nicely as taller people -.-

I'm 5'3" and I get upset by this misconception. It has nothing to do with height and everything to do with composition.



It also depends on proportions, which are genetically determined. Some people with EDs are fixated on looking a way that is impossible for them, in the absence of cosmetic surgery, if then. I'm not going to say, Oh, why don't you just learn to accept yourself? It's very difficult for some people in this culture. That's why a therapist might help.

amymrls

You need to talk to a Dr.

honeysprinkles

I think it can be normal for it to take a while to see changes in our selves. I started at the same weight and I've lost 19lbs and I'm JUST beginning to notice. I think that part can be normal. The only thing that helped me see a difference was finally fitting into a smaller jeans size.

As for everything else, I think you know the answer Anytime something becomes so much of a focus that it interferes with other parts of your life (like school, work, relationships), that could be a sign that something's not right. And of course you know that 600 calories a day isn't healthy. Do you have the option to talk to a doctor about this?

ItsMeRebekah

I don't think I could physically eat 2000 calories o.O
I'm never hungry.
I will try to up it to 1200 though,
I don't want to relax too much, because if I stay at this weight any longer I will scream.
I will work on maintenance when I reach 125

dont have to eat more. ditch the FF and low cal stuff and eat full fat! its one simple way to eat more cals but not really more food if you dont feel like you are hungry

chachita7

It is something to be concerned about and I believe you need professional help to get a handle of the situation before it fully gets out of control. You have taken the first step in acknowledging what it is you are doing but you must seek help so it is a healthy change... eating 600 and burning 700 is not healthy and you could very well be setting yourself in a trend to becoming very unhealthy physically and mentally...

Take the time to educate yourself in healthy habits and healthy living... try to focus on the benefits of eating healthy and exercising instead of the narrow view of loosing weight...

MrsBentz

I am the exact same way... i have lost 32lbs. I was sitting at 150lbs for a good year... and i am now down to 118lbs... i don't feel like i see much of a difference unless i have the before and after pictures sitting right next to eachother and then i see the difference and then that's when i feel better about myself. I struggled with an eating disorder since i was 10 years old. I'm 22 now and it's still hard to fight temptations off. But i haven't done anything harmful to my body in going on 3 years. And the working out is what gets me through that. I hope you can overcome these bad thoughts and bad images you have about yourself cause you are a very pretty girl. It's hard now, but it will get better! Just remember why you started and don't give up. Remember... HEALTHY is sexy... not skinny!

jenniferg83

(yes, I have lied on my food diary here, the reality is a lot less)

I think this was the most concerning line in your post. Being honest in your diary will be the most helpful thing - you are only lying to yourself.

agree - why lie?

MeBeEmmDee

Standing up and feeling so weak you have to sit back down again is your blood pressure becoming too low for you to survive, long term, and a sign that you may be damaging your heart! I had the same problem when I was anorexic in high school and now have a heart murmur because of it. You need help, you need to eat more. Take care of yourself and do it soon. I am outright frightened for you.

CatherineElizabeth13

(yes, I have lied on my food diary here, the reality is a lot less)

I think this was the most concerning line in your post. Being honest in your diary will be the most helpful thing - you are only lying to yourself.

agree - why lie?

Wishful thinking and partially denial?

Ohwhynot

I can totally relate to everything you said! Also, I agree totally about the B vitamins. When I am deficient in B vitamins, my mood is off, my cycles are messed up, my EVERYTHING is wonky. (Scientific terms )

To the OP: I tell people I quit my job in dietetics because I wasn't making enough money. I really quit because I was counseling a teen girl dying of cancer and I secretly wished I could be as skinny as she was. I was giving nutrition advice to people with eating disorders, and I kept telling them to do things that I couldn't do myself. You obviously have a history of disordered eating. Please seek help. No one here is going to tell you that what you're doing is healthy, but you know this already. Best of luck to you!

I have OCD, so if I'm not careful, I can get stuck in a loop of being obsessed with my calories and exercise. A major trigger is if I get deficient in B vitamins. Perhaps since your food intake is so low, a vitamin deficiency is making your more obsessive. Do you take a vitamin supplement? Sleep deprivation can also affect obsessive thoughts. I know everyone wants to talk about calories first, but I know from experience you have to help yourself mentally before physically, so if you can get the thoughts under control first, your calorie intake will be much easier to manage.

Slimntrim90

Your thoughts are disordered because you are starving your brain of essential nutrition. All to look thinner? I suffered a brain injury years ago and would give my right arm to get those brain cells back, but once dead, brain cells do not regenerate. You never get new ones, so you best take care of the ones you have by feeding them! And, YES, you do have a warped interpretation of what you are seeing in the mirror! When I was a nurse, (before brain injury), I took care of a 25 year old woman who died at 25 to look thin. She still saw herself as fat. She was around 60 lbs. You have invested a lot in your education. Don't waste that education by ignoring the glaring fact that you are killing yourself. Get help NOW! Please!!!

EmilyJaneRigali

I'm just going to keep it real and let you know that you do sound like that there may be a mental issue there and you should seek help,

I was bulimic at 15, the recovery left me heavier than when I started. Maybe I haven't fully dealt with the thought pattern related to the disorder. I think my problem is admitting there is a problem. Doctors freak me out.

i agree... i think you aren't fully recovered from that ED. especially since you're so focused on food and it's all you can think about. 600 cals a day is not enough to run on and you're probably not losing weight because your body is in starvation mode, so it holds onto every single calorie you give it so it can keep running. you have to give your body enough food so that it can function. then it won't be so stressed to let some of those calories go. you'll start losing weight if you can eat more. you cannot exercise off more calories than you eat because you already burn about 1900 a day just by existing. exercising is just extra... so if you're eating 600, exercising 700, and burning 1900 just by being alive and moving around doing your day-to-day things, then you will definitely not lose weight. your body just needs the fuel. it won't give up the few calories you're putting into it.

bottom line... you still have a problem with ED. you aren't fully recovered. you need to get some help.

my best friend since forever has dealt with this her whole life and i've been with her every step of the way, so i can see the tell tale signs and you've got them, my friend.

feel free to add me if you like i'm only here to help others who would like it.

mfpcopine

(yes, I have lied on my food diary here, the reality is a lot less)

I think this was the most concerning line in your post. Being honest in your diary will be the most helpful thing - you are only lying to yourself.

agree - why lie?

People are capable of all kinds of self-delusion. It's not that surprising.

CatherineElizabeth13

I have been totally honest in today's food and exercise diary, so do tell me what you think.
Most importantly I have hit 1200.

jowings

I have OCD, so if I'm not careful, I can get stuck in a loop of being obsessed with my calories and exercise. A major trigger is if I get deficient in B vitamins. Perhaps since your food intake is so low, a vitamin deficiency is making your more obsessive. Do you take a vitamin supplement? Sleep deprivation can also affect obsessive thoughts. I know everyone wants to talk about calories first, but I know from experience you have to help yourself mentally before physically, so if you can get the thoughts under control first, your calorie intake will be much easier to manage.

I definitely agree and can empathize with this! Its important to make sure that you are in a good mental state before you move on to a good physical state. There are a lot of great suggestions and links on this thread, so I don't need to repeat them. I really hope that you take all of these comments to heart and if you need support, please feel free to contact me!

CravenBrittney

I haven't thoroughly read every single reply on here, but I can tell you that for the most part I understand where you are coming from.
My husband still thinks my goal of losing 20lbs is WAY too much... and asked me "Will you stop losing weight after you lose 20lbs? Or are you still going to be unhappy?" He knows me too well. I am NEVER good enough. No matter what I weigh, I am still fat. When I look in the mirror all I see is lumpy legs, bumpy hips, flat chest, stretch marks ( i could go on and on)
I think its called body dysmorphic disorder? Or something?
I will not preach to you and tell you what you need to do, I just want you to know that drastic measures and doing things the "easy" way, (ie not eating, taking diet pills) work temporarily but you are going to have some long term risks and side effects. I used to take diet pills a lot when I was a teenager. I had no concept of how things worked. Like dont eat for two days, take a lot of diet pills and I will get skinny! Nope. I was my heaviest then because my body was starving and when I did eat, i ballooned up!
I don't personally like talking to doctors, but I have in the past as I have had a lot of issues since I was a teenager. So I understand that you may not feel comfortable with that, but at least have someone that you can talk to and rely on and who will not judge you for how you feel. No one can change the way you feel about yourself, only you can, but we can all be here to help and support one another. Sometimes it just takes a special moment in your life to realize your worth and beauty and importance. I haven't exactly had my moment yet, but I hope to one day!
Sorry for the rambling.

MelKut

I have been totally honest in today's food and exercise diary, so do tell me what you think.
Most importantly I have hit 1200.

good progress! If you don't want to eat all your exercise calories back, then I will say keep your exercise down (don't try to burn 500+ calories).... so good job on that today Get used to eating this much or more. And we'll be here for support :flowerforyou:

FlaxMilk

It's really hard to say the right thing to someone struggling with food in this way--just about anything can be read the right or wrong way depending on your mindset. I'm just going to pipe in that a good therapist is there to listen and understand but going to treatment doesn't make you give up your autonomy. Whether or not you agree that there is a problem, it does seem you would like to talk about it. Good luck to you!

cutethang1

Please eat more.
I was anorexic in high school. As soon as I became healthy I gained EVERYTHING back in a couple months.
I don't understand how you're not completely exhausted, but it might be the pills covering up that your body is possibly shutting down.
I understand what its like to be desperate, but trust me, restricting yourself is only going to come back to hurt you.

This! I was in the same vote and gained soooo much weight when I beat it. If you try to deal with it now, you will save years and years of really having a weight issue. Please try and get help. In the past, I totally related to everything you said. PM if you would like to connect.