Motivating a Spouse

kandaceleehans

Hello All,

I hope you are all having a happy Monday. I could use a bit of help/advice/guidance. I am currently having trouble motivating my husband and didn't know if anyone had some words of wisdom.He has decided to join me in a goal of a healthy lifestyle, however feels like he is failing. I don't know how to motivate him to take positive steps. I have tried to lead by example, but I often feel like bad choices are made when together. Like I will give in to getting a milkshake or going out to eat. I realize that you need these every now and again, but think we/he have them more than necessary. I don't want to turn into a nagging wife, but do want us to have a healthy lifestyle. I try to keep only "healthy" items in the house. But he still feels like he is struggling with both eating proportions and the motivation to exercise. I don't want to be his drill Sargent, but I do what to help keep him motivated. We both have a long way to go. I would appreciate any words of wisdom.


THANKS!

sid719e

How about scheduling when you go out to eat - say twice a month. Also, he's got to want to do it. You 'nagging" ( I know you're not really nagging, but if he really doesn't want to do it, that's what it will seem like to him) isn't going to help. Have a serious talk with him. Tell him that he really has to want to do it and you can't make him. And keep leading by example.

squishycow7

People can only motivate themselves. He has to want it for himself. I suppose considering that he is feeling discouraged means he had to care in the first place though, right? So that's progress. Not everyone can jump right out of the gate and be 100% perfect.

That being said.. it sounds like you're doing all you can to be a good example, and that is the perfect thing to do! Make sure you express how happy and proud it makes you when you've had a good day of eating and a got a good workout in. Reward eachother with non-food things whenever you reach a milestone. Try to get him to workout along side you, maybe, rather than separately.

It takes time. It's good that he has you there to show him the way, but he still will have to find the right inspiration from within in order to really be successful - he can't just want it because you want him to want it.

Good luck

enyo123

I've been struggling with the same issues, except I will not make a poor food choice in front of him. I feel that he needs to see me resist temptation or go in moderation to encourage him to do the same. In the end, though, I've realized that I cannot do anything more than encourage and provide good food and healthy meals. I can ask him if he wants to walk the dog with us while I take the kids through the woods for a little hike, but I can't force him to do it. He has to want to do it for himself.

RunningMama1276

To ensure that you do not become a nag, ask him what it would take to motivate him. Ask him how much he wants you to "nag" him.

I kind of had this issue with my boyfriend. I could nag him like no other...but he is not going to really hunker down and do what needs to be done unless he is truly ready (this is HIM...not implying your husband is not ready).

So...just ask. Make him tell you how much he wants you to push or be a drill sargent. : )

Spooney45

With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

HealthyBodySickMind

It sounds like there are two areas you are working on here, healthy eating and exercise, and for both, I would recommend focusing on the positive (fun things to do together) rather than the negative (we can't have this we can't have that). My husband has a tendency to get down on himself, so I can sympathize.

For exercise purposes, I would recommend finding something you guys like to do together to stay active. Do you like roller skating, long walks, bicycling or tennis? My husband and I both love hiking and canoeing. We also have dogs that we walk together and go play in mosh pits together at local concerts.

For eating purposes, just plan healthy meals together. Do either of you cook? If you don't, it could help to learn. It's much easier to control what you're eating if you are the one cooking it.

You can even do both at once and plan a picnic date: pack a healthy lunch/dinner and hike to your favorite park (or drive to a park with trails and hike there).

ritmeyer

Hello All,

I hope you are all having a happy Monday. I could use a bit of help/advice/guidance. I am currently having trouble motivating my husband and didn't know if anyone had some words of wisdom.He has decided to join me in a goal of a healthy lifestyle, however feels like he is failing. I don't know how to motivate him to take positive steps. I have tried to lead by example, but I often feel like bad choices are made when together. Like I will give in to getting a milkshake or going out to eat. I realize that you need these every now and again, but think we/he have them more than necessary. I don't want to turn into a nagging wife, but do want us to have a healthy lifestyle. I try to keep only "healthy" items in the house. But he still feels like he is struggling with both eating proportions and the motivation to exercise. I don't want to be his drill Sargent, but I do what to help keep him motivated. We both have a long way to go. I would appreciate any words of wisdom.


THANKS!

Honestly, the only thing that I see that works is leading by example. My husband has never had problems with his weight. He is a marathon runner, lifts weights, etc. He does however binge on sugar more than he should...since he has type I diabetis. He can eat more than anyone I know and not gain weight. Since my pregnancies and thus, my struggle with my weight, he has been a wonderful support, loving me and never telling me what I should or shouldn't do. But he was also a huge enabler when I wanted to binge on food.

He wants to eat healther, and he does for the most part. But now when he says "Lets go get DQ." I tell him that he can, but I will not be getting any. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't. But I don't. We have 2 nights a month where I make homemade pizza and we go get ice cream. That's when I indulge. I just try to be an emotional support to him when he falls short of his ideal, and encourage him when he does want he intended. We all should be easier on ourselves, no one is perfect. The guilt and shame is what would lend me to eat more.

Good luck. It's a hard road, but sooooo worth it!

Pipsg1rl

maybe he needs to hear more encouraging words from you, ie: WOW! that shirt looks great this week. You must have lost some weight!
or instead of acting like the choice is bad, say something like "geez! did you realize that a King Size Drumstick (ice cream product) has MORE than a quarter of my daily calorie intake??"

this makes it less about you all over him and more about you all over yourself.

and finally - if you can't motivate him, don't let it DEMOTIVATE you!!

sbeisel1

A tough one, I found that sticking to my guns and saying things like "I will have water thanks" when milkshakes or pop are an option does help. vocalizing for yourself out loud infront of him may help to get him thinking. I try to order mine first vocalizing (talking to myself outloud) I will pick a not so good item, then hum and haw over it and say "you know what? I will have the XYZ instead, thats a much better choice." leading by example can be tricky sometimes you need to sound a little crazy to get your point across without acutally nagging.

No matter what nagging has a reverse psychology effect on many people, say dont and they will do.. try positive nagging, nag yourself out loud in front of him or ask him to stop you from ordering bad choices or choosing bad things. ask him to say something if you are about to make a food follie. This might help him stop and think about his choices.

make a point to say "good choice" or "thats a great idea" when he chooses something good. I find that it helps to use only positive encouragement that makes him feel like he is helping me (when he is really helping himself)

when all else fails have a heart to heart. be honest and open. Its hard to motivate or help someone if they dont want it or are not ready. maybe its time to aks the hard questions?

another option (worked for my friend and hubby) to make a challenge of it every day that you go junk free put a dollar in a jar and at the end of the month count each others jar and whoever has the most money gets the money from both jars!!

8 months after I started my fitness pal my hubby finally joined in on the excercise, we work out toghether and challenge each other. we have a mutual agreement to never let the other stray.

good luck.

sbeisel1

With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

ha ha OR you could use it as a reward instead!! positive motivation... witholding my lead to other problems... :sad:

holleysings

I'm struggling with my husband too! He's diabetic, overweight, and uninsured. He needs to lose weight to put off the diabetes and so he can get insured, but he completely lacks motivation.

MinnieInMaine

It's definitely a delicate subject. My hubs recently gave up beer and I've trying to support him with all positive reactions. Like, when he says he's gone x # of weeks without it, I tell him how proud of him I am. And when I hug him, I say "are you still losing weight, you feel smaller!". Thing is, he's an adult and you have to treat him that way. Encourage him, congratulate him, support him, be a good role model and hope he follows your lead. And if you do want to discuss your concerns, make it more about his health and wanting to keep him around a long time, not about his weight.

The problem we usually have with dining out is that we do it so rarely that we treat each time like a special event and usually go overboard (fill up on apps and salad and can barely eat our meals). Plus, since it's on him, I usually feel like he should make the choice of what to order for extras - dumb, I know. For take out though, we order our own meals - even with pizza, we each get a small so we can make our own topping/crust choices and no one's forced to compromise.

One thing you can do to avoid the tempation of dining out or take-out is to thoroughly plan meals for the a week or two at a time. That way if someone wants to go out to dinner, you can say "sorry, I've got thawed chicken that needs to be cooked or it'll spoil" or "I've already got a stew ready in the crock pot". As someone else suggested, plan to only go out once or twice a month and try to prepare good homemade meals the rest of the time. This time of the year is so much easier. As long as the weather's good, you can just stop by the store on the way home, slap on a marinade or rub and grill it up.

ETA: if you have a hard time planning, keep a list of quick and easy but healthy meals handy just in case.

kandaceleehans

With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

OH NO!!! That would be toooo tragic! Plus isnt sex a good work out... I would be missing out on some weekly cardio. LOL.

enyo123

With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

Ha. I tried that. Not withholding so much as offering a little extra. It was an awesome motivator for a week. And then *I* started looking forward to him not exercising. ;-) There are limits to how much one is willing to put out, even if it's a great motivator.

But, yeah, OP, if you're not married to someone that has a ridiculously high drive that you can't keep up with, then it might help. Although I prefer to use it as positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement. ("If you do" instead of "if you don't.")

kandaceleehans

It sounds like there are two areas you are working on here, healthy eating and exercise, and for both, I would recommend focusing on the positive (fun things to do together) rather than the negative (we can't have this we can't have that). My husband has a tendency to get down on himself, so I can sympathize.

For exercise purposes, I would recommend finding something you guys like to do together to stay active. Do you like roller skating, long walks, bicycling or tennis? My husband and I both love hiking and canoeing. We also have dogs that we walk together and go play in mosh pits together at local concerts.

For eating purposes, just plan healthy meals together. Do either of you cook? If you don't, it could help to learn. It's much easier to control what you're eating if you are the one cooking it.

You can even do both at once and plan a picnic date: pack a healthy lunch/dinner and hike to your favorite park (or drive to a park with trails and hike there).

I have tried to work out with him. I go to the gym immediately after work, because I know that as soon as I get home its game over. I have done the "hey baby lets go walk the dogs." Which he is ALWAYS down for, I just have difficulty motivating myself to offer that after I have already been at the gym for an hour. On the weekend we are usually a bit better about getting outside.

As for cooking, we are both pretty decent. Because I get home so late the dinner preperation is usually up to him. I try to sit down with him on Sunday and plan for the week. He is really good about cooking what is on the list for that day. I think the problem for us there is that we cook like we are still living with our families, but its just the two of us, and portions can become an issue. Especially since he can eat over 3000 calories and loose weight. (He is 6'9") I think he is still feeling like he needs to eat the same amounts as when he was active in sports and that is no longer the situation.

I know its a slow process and I want it to be a positive experience for both of us. I apprecitate all of the words of wisdom!!!

THANKS GUYS!! I let you know how it goes.

kandaceleehans

It's definitely a delicate subject. My hubs recently gave up beer and I've trying to support him with all positive reactions. Like, when he says he's gone x # of weeks without it, I tell him how proud of him I am. And when I hug him, I say "are you still losing weight, you feel smaller!". Thing is, he's an adult and you have to treat him that way. Encourage him, congratulate him, support him, be a good role model and hope he follows your lead. And if you do want to discuss your concerns, make it more about his health and wanting to keep him around a long time, not about his weight.

The problem we usually have with dining out is that we do it so rarely that we treat each time like a special event and usually go overboard (fill up on apps and salad and can barely eat our meals). Plus, since it's on him, I usually feel like he should make the choice of what to order for extras - dumb, I know. For take out though, we order our own meals - even with pizza, we each get a small so we can make our own topping/crust choices and no one's forced to compromise.

One thing you can do to avoid the tempation of dining out or take-out is to thoroughly plan meals for the a week or two at a time. That way if someone wants to go out to dinner, you can say "sorry, I've got thawed chicken that needs to be cooked or it'll spoil" or "I've already got a stew ready in the crock pot". As someone else suggested, plan to only go out once or twice a month and try to prepare good homemade meals the rest of the time. This time of the year is so much easier. As long as the weather's good, you can just stop by the store on the way home, slap on a marinade or rub and grill it up.

ETA: if you have a hard time planning, keep a list of quick and easy but healthy meals handy just in case.

I think Im going to have to stock up on some quick meal ideas!!

CaptainAmerica1970

Positive, praise, polite, respect, friendly, and leading by example are always good things to consider. Also, if you prepare the meals, then there is nothing wrong in making his meals healthy too.

GasMasterFlash

Trying taking him to BJ's Wholesale and maybe pick up the DVD box set for "BJ & the Bear". Go home and watch it. Then, put some Bon Jovi or Billy Joel. Check YouTube for old videos of famous athletes like decathlete Bruce Jenner, sprinter Ben Johnson, tennis star Billie Jean or the great Bo Jackson.

cricketannie

I have this problem, too! My husband decided to take this healthy lifestyle journey with me about a year ago, and has barely lost any weight. He constantly makes poor decisions with food choices and portion sizes. I know I make plenty of bad decisions, too, but mine aren't all the time. Just every now and then.
I am also having a really hard time getting him to exercise. He pays for a gym membership he doesn't use, and has a $400 bike sitting out back with cobwebs growing on it. I go out and do some form of exercise every single day, and can not drag him out the door to join me.
I know my post make it sound like he doesn't want to get in shape of healthy, but I now he really does. I think he is just embarrassed about the whole thing to take the steps it takes to change his life.

One thing I know for sure is that if I even mention one thing about bad food choices of lack of exercise, I'm in for a fight. He doesn't want to hear it, or even talk about it. I'm hoping he is just going to make the decision himself to get off the couch and out the door. Maybe one day soon. :-/

holleysings

I have this problem, too! My husband decided to take this healthy lifestyle journey with me about a year ago, and has barely lost any weight. He constantly makes poor decisions with food choices and portion sizes. I know I make plenty of bad decisions, too, but mine aren't all the time. Just every now and then.
I am also having a really hard time getting him to exercise. He pays for a gym membership he doesn't use, and has a $400 bike sitting out back with cobwebs growing on it. I go out and do some form of exercise every single day, and can not drag him out the door to join me.
I know my post make it sound like he doesn't want to get in shape of healthy, but I now he really does. I think he is just embarrassed about the whole thing to take the steps it takes to change his life.

One thing I know for sure is that if I even mention one thing about bad food choices of lack of exercise, I'm in for a fight. He doesn't want to hear it, or even talk about it. I'm hoping he is just going to make the decision himself to get off the couch and out the door. Maybe one day soon. :-/

I think we married similar men...

bradphil87

Hello All,

I hope you are all having a happy Monday. I could use a bit of help/advice/guidance. I am currently having trouble motivating my husband and didn't know if anyone had some words of wisdom.He has decided to join me in a goal of a healthy lifestyle, however feels like he is failing. I don't know how to motivate him to take positive steps. I have tried to lead by example, but I often feel like bad choices are made when together. Like I will give in to getting a milkshake or going out to eat. I realize that you need these every now and again, but think we/he have them more than necessary. I don't want to turn into a nagging wife, but do want us to have a healthy lifestyle. I try to keep only "healthy" items in the house. But he still feels like he is struggling with both eating proportions and the motivation to exercise. I don't want to be his drill Sargent, but I do what to help keep him motivated. We both have a long way to go. I would appreciate any words of wisdom.


THANKS!

Love your post! Why? Because never once did you mention his weight in relationship to his looks! That is so refreshing and amazing so many people want their s/o to lose for vain reasons and you want him to be healthy there is a couple I know where the husband is on the big side, she said it didn't bother her a bit until the dr. Said to get his blood pressure and cholesterol down. She just told him that she wants him around for the next 50+ years and that motivated him. Perhaps just tell him that you want him to be healthy because you love him so much you want to keep him around for a long time lol

gendoll

What's worked well for me is that my husband and I are both very competitive people. We usually make mini goals and then challenge each other to see who makes it first. We each get to pick our "reward" as long as it doesn't involve food. Being a smart woman I know there is no way I'm going to actually lose 15lbs before he does but if it keeps him motivated then it works for me. Plus it pushes me to work harder and to make better choices.

jofjltncb6

Trying taking him to BJ's Wholesale and maybe pick up the DVD box set for "BJ & the Bear". Go home and watch it. Then, put some Bon Jovi or Billy Joel. Check YouTube for old videos of famous athletes like decathlete Bruce Jenner, sprinter Ben Johnson, tennis star Billie Jean or the great Bo Jackson.

I see what you did there.

kandaceleehans

What's worked well for me is that my husband and I are both very competitive people. We usually make mini goals and then challenge each other to see who makes it first. We each get to pick our "reward" as long as it doesn't involve food. Being a smart woman I know there is no way I'm going to actually lose 15lbs before he does but if it keeps him motivated then it works for me. Plus it pushes me to work harder and to make better choices.

That is something I havent thought of... playing the manly competitive nature. I like it.

BigDaddyBRC

Foot to *kitten*.

Seriously though. There is nothing you can do but offer support or nag. He has to make the choice to become aware and to take action upon the choices that will bring him to a healthier being.

Brief and to the point...but 100% true.

sobriquet84

encourage a challenge between him and "the guys". egg it on. encourage them to make a bet.

men are competitive creatures.

momma3sweetgirls

With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

You know I was thinking the exact OPPOSITE. Have lots of sex. Lots and lots. Extra endorphins will make you both in a great mood and more likely to make better choices. Of course, I have no scientific studies to back this up!

_Bob_

I ignore bad behavior and reward the good. when my wife want's to go out somewhere I get a salad and beer. she gets whatever and I just ignore it. she's tiny but always feels like crap after a bad meal. when she does awesome we go out and have fun. we're both training for a 5k in a few months and that has helped. work towards a goal together and just do the positive praise thing, well that's what I "try" to do anyways

kelseyhere

One thing you can do to avoid the temptation of dining out or take-out is to thoroughly plan meals for the a week or two at a time. That way if someone wants to go out to dinner, you can say "sorry, I've got thawed chicken that needs to be cooked or it'll spoil" or "I've already got a stew ready in the crock pot".

^This one works well for me as wasting money is a big red flag at my house. If my BF thinks food is going to spoil, he'll gladly eat the healthy stir-fry instead of stopping for wings and beers on the way home.

Why not also try "mini workouts" at home, when you're watching your favorite shows together? I used to do this with my mom in high school and it worked well to keep each other accountable. We made a chart with one box for everyday of the week for push-ups and crunches. We started with 25 push-ups and 50 sit-ups each per night, adding 25 push-ups and 50 crunches every other week. It's not much, but those little efforts to get each other moving can turn into something much greater. If we skipped a night, we had to do double the next night to make up. It can also lead to fun after, holding each other feet for crunches might turn you on

Another one that my man likes now is to use a resistance band while watching TV. Sons of Guns while improving his guns, I say yes! And like another poster said, he's more competitive with his guy friends than with me, so try that route also. You can suggest racquet ball or basketball to start, and chances are it will become a frequent thing.

Last idea, motivate your husband by offering to reward him with a massage! Tell him to get in the gym and then you'll take care of his sore muscles after. What guy wouldn't work hard for that?!

And finally, lots and lots of encouragement and positive motivation and compliments. Good job on setting an example, that's the first and most important step.

kelseyhere

I ignore bad behavior and reward the good. when my wife want's to go out somewhere I get a salad and beer. she gets whatever and I just ignore it. she's tiny but always feels like crap after a bad meal. when she does awesome we go out and have fun. we're both training for a 5k in a few months and that has helped. work towards a goal together and just do the positive praise thing, well that's what I "try" to do anyways

This is good too!! When my BF tells me no sometimes I resent him, but I feel proud when he says "good choice." We set rules sometimes before going out- i.e. I'm not allowed to drink alcohol. We always set them BEFORE so there is no arguing on the spot, and then he polices me because when my will power isn't so strong. The thing is make the rules when you're not hungry so when the craving hits, you can stick to them.