Crazy Problem at Work..advice plz

Abells

I agree. It could of been worse, thankfully it wasn't
She called you crying, upset and your response to here was "eh, it could of been worse" I just find it crazy that was your first choice of words to her..

I had no clue what to say. Other then 'thats weird as hell' and..well at least you're home and safe. I was NOT expecting to hear anything as nuts as this.

I really still don't know what to say.

The life of a bartender - been there! Honestly, that is an uncomfortable position for anyone and he most likely does not remember any of this. I think it should get brought up and maybe it would change his actions. It most likely will cause embarrassment. How is he sober? Normal nice good boss? If so, this should be a rather good wake up call and she is lucky nothing happened but is something that needs to be talked about and not just her alone with him, maybe you should go with her. She can get another gig if the talk doesn't go well, she'll just use you as a reference and she has to be honest about why she left. She can just say the manager was inappropriate one night and leave it at that and that made for her to be uncomfortable at closing time.

Either his actions will change and he'll realize what he did or he won't -- if he doesn't then she leaves and that's over with.

Chagama

The situation can't be ignored. As uncomfortable as she may feel she should talk to him about it, especially since there are many levels to the relationships. He needs to be told what he did and acknowledge his behavior. If she ignores it is more likely to occur again. If you feel comfortable with it, it would be good for you to be there with her as moral support. He needs to know this isn't a secret because the secrecy gives him more power and again increases the likelihood he may do it again. It is an uncomfortable situation. It may be just a one time thing and no matter what she does wouldn't happen again but I think my advice above may be her best course of action if she needs the job and can't/doesnt want to severe ties. Best of luck to her and you!

This one. It has to be dealt with, or it will happen again. Being drunk is no excuse, and it sounds like that will happen again. If she deals with it in a straightforward manner, and lays out what course of action she will take if it happens again, there is a chance to preserve all the friendships involved. But doing nothing is just postponing the problem until it happens again, and it puts you in the middle of it, which potentially creates a legal issue for you if it winds up in court somewhere down the road.

Zara11

It's sexual harassement and nothing to make light off. Being a sloppy drunk does not excuse his behavior either. If I was the woman it happened to..I would have left him in his bar with his pants around his ankles and could have cared less if he got home or not. I would have quit then and there and the next morning be hitting the pavement looking for a new job. I know economy is bad but that does not mean you should stay in a threatening position of employment. Make light of it...go ahead. The drunken boss got away with it this time...next time it could be uglier. I know you painted the small town picture but what kind of backwards small town is it that you are not willing to take care of your own. This is 2012 NOT 1960. Protect the drunken boss and pretend it didn't happen??

I would advise your friend to press charges OR at least find another job. As a man and a gentlemen you might want to mention your boss's bad behavior to him since he won't remember himself (which is hardly an excuse)

You're super angry.

I don't feel like making fun of me, or how I'm dealing with the situation to be very helpful.

Go hit the treadmill.

Holy ****. Am I glad I don't work where you work.
If this happened to me, every one of my coworkers, male and female, would rally around me in about five seconds flat. I have amazing coworkers.
That comment wasn't mockery. You wanted advice? You got it. Take care of the woman who was sexually harassed.
"Go hit the treadmill?" For shame.

debloves2ride

having been in that situation (as a bartender etc...) it is really hard. We had something like that happen to one of our bartenders. The boss was a real jerk also. Word got out what he pulled on the bartender (so to speak) and all the guys sat the boss down and had a little chat with him. pretty much scared the crap out of him, of course this was in alaska and it was a little different there. But he couldn't fire everyone and he never did such a thing again.

the smart thing to do would be to silently look for another job, I know they are hard to come by, but if this behavior continues she can't put up with it. If nothing is done it will only escalate.

lizziebeth1028

It's sexual harassement and nothing to make light off. Being a sloppy drunk does not excuse his behavior either. If I was the woman it happened to..I would have left him in his bar with his pants around his ankles and could have cared less if he got home or not. I would have quit then and there and the next morning be hitting the pavement looking for a new job. I know economy is bad but that does not mean you should stay in a threatening position of employment. Make light of it...go ahead. The drunken boss got away with it this time...next time it could be uglier. I know you painted the small town picture but what kind of backwards small town is it that you are not willing to take care of your own. This is 2012 NOT 1960. Protect the drunken boss and pretend it didn't happen??

I would advise your friend to press charges OR at least find another job. As a man and a gentlemen you might want to mention your boss's bad behavior to him since he won't remember himself (which is hardly an excuse)

You're super angry.

I don't feel like making fun of me, or how I'm dealing with the situation to be very helpful.

Go hit the treadmill.

Holy ****. Am I glad I don't work where you work.
If this happened to me, every one of my coworkers, male and female, would rally around me in about five seconds flat. I have amazing coworkers.
That comment wasn't mockery. You wanted advice? You got it. Take care of the woman who was sexually harassed.
"Go hit the treadmill?" For shame.

Thank you Zara 11:flowerforyou:

docdrd

The person who said Document it is exactly right. There are laws in many states protecting employees against this kind of behavior. She needs to nicely say "I know you were drunk, but you can't do this again." and have him sign something that acknowledges his actions. Then they agree to pretend that it never happened and she tells him how much she appreciates the job and knows that it was a one time thing.

You can't ignore it; it will create problems for both of them, so you have to have the address it and this seems to be the cleanest way without anyone getting upset or escalating the situation. And as you said, thank goodness it never got physical. Good luck!

turningstar

It sounds like he was sloppy drunk and probably doesn't remember. I agree with him, her, and someone else sitting down and confronting the problem. She shouldn't work alone with him. He may be a great guy, but when people are inebriated, they have bad judgement, and sometimes bad tempers. Eventually, he may do something that under sober circumstances would never dream of. This definitely needs to be addressed. Maybe he should only be left with men employees when he drinks!
Kudos to you for being there to help her out.

DannyMussels

The person who said Document it is exactly right. There are laws in many states protecting employees against this kind of behavior. She needs to nicely say "I know you were drunk, but you can't do this again." and have him sign something that acknowledges his actions. Then they agree to pretend that it never happened and she tells him how much she appreciates the job and knows that it was a one time thing.

You can't ignore it; it will create problems for both of them, so you have to have the address it and this seems to be the cleanest way without anyone getting upset or escalating the situation. And as you said, thank goodness it never got physical. Good luck!

Ya, I agree.

I'm just wondering if it's worth NOT telling the other staff. If it gets to the other females, it gets to his wife..then it turns into a big problem. Again, the immediate 20 of us all work in the same building, all hangout together, and it'll really be bad.

On the otherhand, the girls need to know.

She's texting me now, saying he doesn't remember any of his night. :S

She said she's telling him now.

This is getting intense.

DannyMussels

It sounds like he was sloppy drunk and probably doesn't remember. I agree with him, her, and someone else sitting down and confronting the problem. She shouldn't work alone with him. He may be a great guy, but when people are inebriated, they have bad judgement, and sometimes bad tempers. Eventually, he may do something that under sober circumstances would never dream of. This definitely needs to be addressed. Maybe he should only be left with men employees when he drinks!
Kudos to you for being there to help her out.

Ya, I realize I don't have to do a thing, but being the one she confided in, i know it's easier for ME to actually do something than her. I'm not in as bad of an emotional state.

There's just no right or wrong way to go about this.

hennyben

It's good that she feels able to tell him.

Also , you sound like a good friend to her and all you can do is be there for her. Only she can decide where it goes from here.

DannyMussels

Well, her and him are talking about it.

He asked what happened last night, and she said he didn't wanna nkow, then she filled him in.

Doesn't remember a thing, apologized etc. and said he thinks he should lay off the alcohol, which is something I've thought for awhile.


I'm not sure what happens next, but so far this seems not terrible

sarahharmintx

Something should be done because what if next time, he does rape her (or another employee or a customer). Get my drift?

bigdogc23

I don't think you should have your balls busted for what you said.... you are right, it could have been much worse and damn you were called at 0300 and didn't exactly know that was coming. So with that being said, you have a bit of a sticky situation here.

She called you directly confiding in you about the situation so even though you didn't ask for it, the ball has been thrown in your corner and you could be wrong for not acting on it in one form or fashion. Not only is it moraly correct to not ignore the situation, you have a legal obligation to it especially if the situation arises again and she does get raped.

If he did it once, then the chances of it happening again at some point in time with her or another female employee are very high especially if the situation is not handled.

I do not agree that he should be sued nor do I agree that his family should be destroyed over the situation and if it's a town of 7000 people his whole life might be in the balance right now. That doesn't excuse him for what he did, but anyone here that has ever been drunk more than a few times in their life has done something really stupid, whether it was drinkiing and driving, mailbox baseball, mooning someone, or coming on to a woman agressively. I know there is a line drawn in the sand between agressive and assualt.

First and foremost her safety needs to be addressed. Under no cirumstances should she be left alone with him at this point so long as she works there at least until the situation is addressed and fixed. How you go about it, is up to you but it is a must.

Second, you need to have a real one on one personal private conversation with her. You need to see how she feels now and you need to document it, i.e. at least take notes. But the main thing you need to do is find out how she really feels about it. What I mean is, does she feel she was assualted, was she harrassed, or was she embarrased. Finding out the level of what she feels happened ot her will help assit you in taking the correct course of action.

3rd, figure out a course of action. Yes she needs her job, but ultimatly her safety is the main concern. If she feels assualted then the situation needs to be handed to the authorites. If she feels harrassed then in my own opinon that puts it in the middle. You can take it to the authorities criminal or civil court or you can handle it in house. If she feels her true safety was not at risk and she may just be more embarrassed or what not of the situation then I would handle it in house.

Which ever course of action is taken it needs to be agreed on between you and the lady. Nothing about this can be un done and even though we all do stupid stuff when drinking, it't not excusable. But, each course of action has it's consequences from light to permanent and life destroying and that needs to be examined before taking the course of action because it cannot be undone once started. Whatever action is decided on, then that is what you should stick with and be decisive about it.

I wish you luck on that situation as it's not an easy one to be in and it has a lot of factors to consider as it's not a cut and dry siutation when you where not there and are stuck in the middle.

***DISCLAIMER**** I'm not a lawyer nor am I affiliated with any form of law office. This is solely solicited advice and my own opinion.

****SOURCE**** 16 years of Army service, currently serving, and have seen a ridiculous amount of these "types" of situations....

fatboypup

call me rough or an ahole even but .. You work at a bar you drink and hang out after hours **** happens. In a perfect world you could say blah blah there's no excuse for this behavior but guess what? She can A.) keep her job and say something to the guy or B.) quit ........ people put themselves in situations sometimes and this seems like one

bigdogc23

Damn, didn't mean to get so long winded... I need to cut back on the cafeine....

DannyMussels

Also, it's not beyond me to head there at night to make sure the girls get home ok. I've been asked (coincidently by the boss) to come in on slower nights, and make sure they get home ok. 1 or 2 females mon-wed isn't ever the best idea.

I'm gonna discuss that with them further, I'm <5 mins away if there's ever a real problem.

pascale485

The situation can't be ignored. As uncomfortable as she may feel she should talk to him about it, especially since there are many levels to the relationships. He needs to be told what he did and acknowledge his behavior.

I was thinking this.

Or basically asking if he remembers how his night ended.

It's just gonna get even more awkward.



If he does or does not remember it's not the problem! As you say, it could have been worse and maybe next time it will be! Being drunk is not an excuse to sexually haras someone!

She needs to find another job and get away from there or the boss should NEVER be alone with a girl!



I think I need more details from her, before we figure out what we should do/say.

sweetsarahj

call me rough or an ahole even but .. You work at a bar you drink and hang out after hours **** happens. In a perfect world you could say blah blah there's no excuse for this behavior but guess what? She can A.) keep her job and say something to the guy or B.) quit ........ people put themselves in situations sometimes and this seems like one

Yeah, you're an as*hole. Sounded to me like she was AT WORK doing her job and he was off his shift....

But she was prob wearing a skirt, and so she asked for it, right?

UsedToBeHusky

Your friend should write a statement as soon as possible outlining her full recollection of the events and exactly what was said and done by your boss. It may be uncomfortable for her but it will be invaluable in the event she decides to pursue the matter further.

She should address the matter with your boss and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, preferably in the presence of an independent party who doesn't work there but she trusts.

What she then decides to do is up to her but the balance of power is with her.

Always the lawyer, aren't you?

sweetsarahj

Also, it's not beyond me to head there at night to make sure the girls get home ok. I've been asked (coincidently by the boss) to come in on slower nights, and make sure they get home ok. 1 or 2 females mon-wed isn't ever the best idea.

I'm gonna discuss that with them further, I'm <5 mins away if there's ever a real problem.

So nice of you. We need more gallant men like you in Southern Ontario.