Husband is constant opposition!!

EEpling89

Hi everyone. I have struggled with my weight, yo-yo dieted, all that stuff that everyone says. I feel like I've finally found a pretty good balance and am on the right track. However, my husband is like a constant opposing force to my health efforts.

He claims that he absolutely cannot stand to eat anything that "grows from the ground". I swear he only rejects things BECAUSE they're good for him. He will go the entire day without eating anything and come home and eat mass amounts of junk food. He NEVER drinks water, only Red Bull or soda, and I can tell he's severely dehydrated. I worry about his health all the time. All of his uncles are morbidly obese and all but one of them have type 2 diabetes. My husband is only about 30 lbs. overweight right now but his weight continues to creep up and up.

Sometimes I tell myself to just ignore it and let him figure it out for himself because he gets mad when I bring it up. BUT...he's a huge obstacle for me achieving my weight loss goals. I have two separate grocery lists of food to buy every week, one for me and one for him. I also end up having to cook two separate dinners every night. I've tried relentlessly to find healthy recipes that he will eat. He will eat what I cook sometimes, but he will modify it to make it not healthy (adding a ton of cheese, ranch dressing, mayo, picking the veggies out, etc.) and he will say it doesn't fill him up and then go to the gas station by our house and buy a bunch of junk food because he's "still hungry", which ends up costing us more in the long run (which is why I buy him his own groceries and make his dinner separate, it's cheaper). We absolutely can't afford the two grocery haul thing and I feel like I'm the one who is going to have to bend.

WHAT DO I DO???? It's like talking to a brick wall when I try to reason with him. Sometimes I think he wants me to be fat. He even makes me feel bad, calling me the "health Nazi" and saying I'm obsessed with my weight and that's no way to live.

HELP!!

Pebble321

That's a tough situation - but it sounds as though he has no desire to change his eating habits, so trying to force him today what you eat is only going to cause friction.

If it was me I would just stop discussing it - do what you need to do, don't put any pressure on him to change. If he wants to add or takeaway from the meal, thats his decision. At least by cooking healthy meals you are providing the option for him to change when he is ready to.

wiglett

I vote you do your grocery shopping and he do his.n sorry that's a hard situation to be in. I def. wouldn't cook him a new/separate dinner. Be like a mom. You eat what I cook or starve.

Go to the doctor together! Or watch "weight of the nation" on HBO and tell him even though he aggravates you you do want to grow old with him and that starts changing diet plans. Ease into it, I bake mashes bananas into brownie mix and cut out half the oil, spinach and feta cheese omelette with tomatoes.c . . .good luck!

rcclcruiser

I had done great today with calories to spare. Then my husband bought Pei Wei Shrimp Lo Mein. After I ate it, I typed it in myfitnesspal and it was over 1,000 calories!!!

He loves to either cook or buy take-out. In the evening when I am tired and hungry (and vulnerable), he fixes something and insists it is low fat and healthy. Next time I will type the food in myfitness pal first, then decide if I will eat it.

I did that for lunch today. Made pasta, typed it in, and decided that I didn't even like it that much in the first place, so I didn't eat it.

cmriverside

Yeh. That's not good, is it?

Let him make his own dinner. . .of course, your relationship and mine are totally different. Wait. I don't have a relationship.

Coincidence?

sloanie1

This is a REAL tough one.......I really don't know what I would do in your situation? I am incredibly lucky where my husband supports me 100% through anything I do, I just couldn't imagine him not? BUT if he didn't, it would make me more determined to make him see sense!!! I just can't fathom someone not wanting to be healthy? is he jealous of you? or just plain ignorant? I'm really sorry you are going through this, I know other women who say their partners don't compromise either and I think it is completely selfish, if you love a person don't you want them to be happy, make them happy, especially when its something like this, he should be proud you are so focused and be more supportive.....x

EEpling89

This is a REAL tough one.......I really don't know what I would do in your situation? I am incredibly lucky where my husband supports me 100% through anything I do, I just couldn't imagine him not? BUT if he didn't, it would make me more determined to make him see sense!!! I just can't fathom someone not wanting to be healthy? is he jealous of you? or just plain ignorant? I'm really sorry you are going through this, I know other women who say their partners don't compromise either and I think it is completely selfish, if you love a person don't you want them to be happy, make them happy, especially when its something like this, he should be proud you are so focused and be more supportive.....x

I'm not sure it's that he doesn't support me. I just don't think he realizes how difficult he makes it for me, even though I try to explain it to him. I spend about $200 on groceries EVERY WEEK (for just the two of us) and spend a good chunk of my day planning meals and cooking (even though I work full time). He also doesn't understand how hard it is when he always has a ton of candy and junk food lying around. He will tell me how proud he is of my determination and that I look like I've lost weight, but he wouldn't go as far as to change what HE'S doing to help me. In the past, after I'd "fallen off the wagon", I sensed relief from him because he didn't have that pressure hanging over him anymore.

zandrellia

One thing I know I wouldn't do in this situation: I wouldn't enable this kind of behavior.

I know it's tough. My husband is rather similar. I told my husband point blank that I intend to eat healthier, lose weight, and gain muscle so I can be a fit individual who lives a long and happy life. He says he is on board but... I get the sighing and the nit picking at the meals, too. I don't feel sorry for him. I told him that if he wanted to eat unhealthy foods he had to make his own meal plans, go to the grocery store, buy his own foods, and prepare his own meals - while still working and supporting this family. Also, there will be less money for hobbies - no video games, no movie night with the guys, whatever. It's not my job to support his bad habits, if he wants to act that way he can make his own sacrifices to do it. Make him work for his unhealthy lifestyle and realize just how much you really do for him.

Luckily, my husband isn't as verbal with his insecurities as yours is. Saying you're a health nazi and that you're obsessed with your health while implying that isn't any way to live is only him putting his own problems onto you. He's scared. I would seek therapy so that you can work on communicating through this and hopefully bring him to the realization that if he just lets you help him while helping yourself it can benefit him greatly in the long run.

EEpling89

One thing I know I wouldn't do in this situation: I wouldn't enable this kind of behavior.

I know it's tough. My husband is rather similar. I told my husband point blank that I intend to eat healthier, lose weight, and gain muscle so I can be a fit individual who lives a long and happy life. He says he is on board but... I get the sighing and the nit picking at the meals, too. I don't feel sorry for him. I told him that if he wanted to eat unhealthy foods he had to make his own meal plans, go to the grocery store, buy his own foods, and prepare his own meals - while still working and supporting this family. Also, there will be less money for hobbies - no video games, no movie night with the guys, whatever. It's not my job to support his bad habits, if he wants to act that way he can make his own sacrifices to do it. Make him work for his unhealthy lifestyle and realize just how much you really do for him.

Luckily, my husband isn't as verbal with his insecurities as yours is. Saying you're a health nazi and that you're obsessed with your health while implying that isn't any way to live is only him putting his own problems onto you. He's scared. I would seek therapy so that you can work on communicating through this and hopefully bring him to the realization that if he just lets you help him while helping yourself it can benefit him greatly in the long run.

I guess I certainly have been an enabler. I guess it made me feel guilty to not provide any food for him, but I do. I provide him with healthy food, which I'm sure any person on this site would love to have someone cook them healthy meals every night! I admire your standing your ground with your husband. I need to take note.

zandrellia

I guess I certainly have been an enabler. I guess it made me feel guilty to not provide any food for him, but I do. I provide him with healthy food, which I'm sure any person on this site would love to have someone cook them healthy meals every night! I admire your standing your ground with your husband. I need to take note.

I would let you come cook healthy food for me! I would even clean up afterwards! :flowerforyou:

Seriously, it took a long time to realize that my husband and I both enabled each other in our bad habits. The problem was that when I decided to ditch mine, he didn't like that he was no longer being enabled. Unfortunately, they're grown and will have to deal with it because we can't make their decisions for them. I love my husband dearly, he can be a great support, but he just doesn't get it yet and I know it's going to take time and some tough love to get there. Just yesterday he was telling me in such a proud tone how he'd done me a "favor" and ate Oreos in the car at work so that he wouldn't bring them home and hurt me - only to come home and whine about being tired and demand pizza for dinner. :noway: Yeah, thanks babe - you're doing us both great "favors". :grumble: Just stand your ground, either he'll come around or you'll find a middle ground. Either way you'll feel less pressured to support his bad habits and that will give you some distance from the temptations.

shellsie_j

Unfortunately trying to change someone's eating habits is nearly impossible. However that does not mean you should give up on him. He has to come to the realization himself that he is damaging his body but often that doesn't happen until there is a health scare. Just keep loving him and slowly and gently offering him new foods. My guy won't eat "green stuff" but there are heaps of other things like mushrooms, pulses, potatoes etc. that he likes. A difficult situation for you, money wise and health wise for him and I wish you luck.

Kym1610

It may sound mean but I would suggest you start shopping separetly and if he wants something different to what you've cooked let him cook it.Try to make him realise just how difficult planning and preparing a meal can be.

Talking to him clearly isn't working from what you've said, so take action and make him take action. I am sorry I can't offer any other advise it sounds like a very unfair situation.

T4M79

Hey EEpling89 . Like everyone else so far I agree you're in a tough position. Out of all the reply's you've received, I feel Rubybelle's advice is bang on. Nice one Ruby.
You gotta do what you gotta do succeed for yourself and hopefully your husband will realized that he should have been doing the same this whole time. The great news is , when he IS ready to change his ways , you'll be right there to support him the whole way through ... man does he got it good! Keep up the great work EEpling89! You'll be so proud when you reach your goals and so will he.

spearfox

I was that husband for years. My wife did things to please me. If I didn't like the food I would cook my own(rarely), buy cheap fast food or buy crap snacks from the grocery store.
My stubbornness and her enabling only prolonged the situation.....for years.
Having kids and a tight budget did not put a stop to my affair with food.
Your husband is being childish just like I was.
He is afraid, comfortable and addicted.
He may not come around to your way of thinking, it might have to be HIS idea.

I think the longer you enable his behavior the harder it will be to lead a healthy life for you, him and any future children.
It will be difficult, there might be fights and feelings will be hurt.
There is no guarantee of success.
You may not get him healthy but he can at least respect your need to be healthy.

Something else to think about.
If you have kids will he enable them with candy, sodas, energy drinks and other garbage?
When mom cooks a healthy meal why bother eating it if dad will have little partners in food crime.?

Sorry, this kinda held a mirror up to me and my habits.

Sksieger

STOP BUYING THE BAD FOOD AND DRINKS! If the only thing left in the house is good food then he will have to eat it or he will have to go out and get his own food and cook it for himself.

Wish him luck.

As for you. You are doing this for you and your health. You cant make others do things they dont want to do. But you dont have to support it.

katenmills

Maybe sit him down and explain just how much getting fit and healthy means to you... for your health, your confidence. I know for me, on some of my past "fat days" I barely felt like leaving the house, that's how little self esteem I had! If you're the same, tell him! I'm sure he really wants you to be happy, he might just not know how much you want this.

Also, it's possible he's feeling a little defensive that you're eating healthy, nutritious food and he's not. The "health Nazi" comment is probably just a defensive quip because deep down he knows his eating habits are bad for him. If all else fails, maybe... to each their own?

Lozze

Yeah I would stop buying the food you don't want in the house. If he wants to eat then he can buy his own food. Don't buy what he wants if it's not going to help both of you. He sounds like he's acting like a child (I don't eat food that grows out of the ground? Seriously?)

boggsmeister

He kind of sounds like an *kitten*. Please tell me there is something good about your marriage too.

healthychx

In our house I am also the chief cook and I feel somewhat guilty if I don't make dinner. My way of handling the two menus is to make extra veggies for me, and to make sure he has his rice/potatoes whatever. The non-compromise is that I make the entree for my diet. If he wants to doll it up with dressing that's fine with me. I have to turn the other way when he eats a lot of nuts or cheese before dinner, and I remind myself that I'm the one who decided to lose weight.

Your situation doesn't sound particularly supportive, but I agree with the other posters who said don't comment. You'll just create further tension around the food. Just take care of what you need to eat to lose the weight, make sure your husband has dinner without making him starve, too. You'll be okay.

VertigoDeath83

I say cook the healthy meal and if he doesn't like it then he can go cook his own dinner. Trying to eat healthy and be fit and active does not make you a health nazi. It just makes you smart. It took me getting diabetes and high blood pressure to wake up and realize I was slowly killing myself with food/alchohol/smoking. It may take your husband becoming very overweight or some other medical issue for him to wake up as well. You do what is right for you. You can't change someone else. They have to be willing to change themselves.

ninerbuff

Hi everyone. I have struggled with my weight, yo-yo dieted, all that stuff that everyone says. I feel like I've finally found a pretty good balance and am on the right track. However, my husband is like a constant opposing force to my health efforts.

He claims that he absolutely cannot stand to eat anything that "grows from the ground". I swear he only rejects things BECAUSE they're good for him. He will go the entire day without eating anything and come home and eat mass amounts of junk food. He NEVER drinks water, only Red Bull or soda, and I can tell he's severely dehydrated. I worry about his health all the time. All of his uncles are morbidly obese and all but one of them have type 2 diabetes. My husband is only about 30 lbs. overweight right now but his weight continues to creep up and up.

Sometimes I tell myself to just ignore it and let him figure it out for himself because he gets mad when I bring it up. BUT...he's a huge obstacle for me achieving my weight loss goals. I have two separate grocery lists of food to buy every week, one for me and one for him. I also end up having to cook two separate dinners every night. I've tried relentlessly to find healthy recipes that he will eat. He will eat what I cook sometimes, but he will modify it to make it not healthy (adding a ton of cheese, ranch dressing, mayo, picking the veggies out, etc.) and he will say it doesn't fill him up and then go to the gas station by our house and buy a bunch of junk food because he's "still hungry", which ends up costing us more in the long run (which is why I buy him his own groceries and make his dinner separate, it's cheaper). We absolutely can't afford the two grocery haul thing and I feel like I'm the one who is going to have to bend.

WHAT DO I DO???? It's like talking to a brick wall when I try to reason with him. Sometimes I think he wants me to be fat. He even makes me feel bad, calling me the "health Nazi" and saying I'm obsessed with my weight and that's no way to live.

HELP!!

You are in charge of you and if he doesn't accept that, then he's not respecting what's important to you. When disrespect happens, then it leads down a path of anger, discontent, and eventually lack of passion, IMO. I've seen it lots of times with my married female clients. Good luck on how you try to fix this, but at some point you need to put your foot down and convey to him that he can't take this lightly if you're serious about it.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer/Group Fitness Instructor
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

TeaRexParty

I have a similar problem with my husband's eating. I've always had to cook differently even when I wasn't eating healthy and my husband LOVES junk food. So I realized I had to accept that this was the situation, that I couldn't change him and work around it somehow. And cooking two meals got old fast.

Here was the practical solution I came up with. FREEZER COOKING on a large scale...and trust me you'd be amazed at the fact you can freeze just about everything. Not only that you can save money doing it. People that really get into it can do one or two days of cooking to cook for the entire month but that's always too much for me. I always have to break it down.

Initially I started out doing most of it for him, making side dishes I could toss in for him when I had salads or other healthier sides with a meat portion. One of my biggest fall backs is I'd get the miniature bread loaf pans and buy like 20lbs of potatoes. Then I'd watch a movie and peel all of them and use my recipe called "make ahead mash potatoes". I'd also make things he likes like meatloaf, spaghetti and meatballs, etc. and freeze all of it. Then I took it even further and started doing alot of freezer cooking for myself to take to work so I could get off the fast food track. Let me know if you like and I'm more than happy to share the recipes.

Anyway don't know if this will help you but this is my "work around" because I can't make my husband eat differently and I was in the same boat. The upside was he was very appreciative that I went to the trouble to make sure he was well fed on his favorites and could even go to the freezer and pick what he wanted himself when I was working. And even if he didn't lose weight, me filling him up on real food instead of him junking out kept him from gaining.

nsblue

I read your post and my heart aches. I wish I would have had the chance years ago to think like you in worrying about my health... and with my husband's ..... so things might be different today.....but I dont have that luxury.... and now am widowed.... healthy now...but alone. I wish things were different...that we both could be healthy together....enjoying this "newness" i feel in being healthy for the first time in my life.

My husband and I ate pretty much anything we wanted..twasnt healthy at all and junk was a main staple. We stayed away from docs and grew in size over our 25 years together....not to mention had health issues....but kept our heads in the sand and neglected everything. That came to a gringing hault in september 2009. His story is on a site I built in his memory... http://penile-cancer.ca under Curtis' Wish.
Needless to say all efforts to regain health was lost for him....and I continued on after his death in July of 2010 on my journey to health. I could not go backwards after watching his struggle for every bit of life that he couldnt regain.

Neglecting health is something that one doesnt realize sometimes until too late. I know many of us have the thought of being untouchable...that it wont happen to me.... but things do happen.... and when we finally do realize it's too late. Dont let it be too late for yourself...and I hope your husband doesnt either.

nettasaura

If he is that opposed to eating healthy, then I would give him his portion of the grocery money and tell him that he is in charge of feeding himself and that includes cooking his own meals. Then you only have to worry about your own groceries and your own meals. When he sees that you are getting smoking hot, and he's only growing wider, he might change his tune. I'm lucky that my hubby is totally on board, but if he acting like yours, that is exactly what I would do!

wackyfunster

I would try to make him an ally instead of an enemy. Explain to him how important getting in shape is to you, and how much his support means. Once he is comfortable with helping you with your goals, he will likely start to come around.

Also, top sirloin is super healthy. More steak will almost always improve the situation!

MisterTEZ

I had a guy at work who asked me nearly every day why am I eating crap / vomit / rabbit food etc (that was his thoughts of healthy food). So I decided to pull the bull by the horns and ask him outright "if you can prove to me that my food is unhealthy and yours is healthy then I may consider eating the same as you." He eventally stopped nit-picking my food after a few grunts and moans.
Now he is eating healthly and losing weight. Don't harp on how bad is food is and how good yours is coz he will just dig his heels in. he will see slowly come round.

ryliejaiden

I've always thought that a pillow and about four pounds of pressure could solve a lot of issues... wait... I've probably said too much <backs away slowly/>

Perfect solution as far as I am concerned!

They probably don't care about serving you healthy food in jail. lol.

Hahaha I love this.

I have a similar situation (sort of).
My boyfriend is underweight and is trying to gain weight so he cooks with things like bacon fat and cheese and eats fatty cuts of meat, etc. Plus he's just not a super healthy guy. He eats a lot of junk and drinks a lot of beer. He knows I don't support his unhealthy lifestyle, but I know I can't control him. Instead, I try to suggest he go for walks with me and the dog, etc. which tricks him into exercising. I also try to make healthy versions of food that he likes. I'll make low fat, low cal burgers, or mac and cheese or lasagna with zucchini sheets instead of pasta, and he never knows the difference.
He will try to be sweet and make me breakfast on his days off, which I appreciate, but his breakfast is usually around 1200 calories and I simply cannot eat it, nor do I feel good after eating it.
We have worked out a deal where if he wants to eat unhealthy foods he has to buy and make them on his own. If he's around for dinner when I am (we have conflicting work schedules) then he eats what I'm making or he doesn't eat at all. He will usually add ranch dressing or cheese or whatever else, but like I said, I've usually made a healthy meal in disguise so it isn't so bad in the long run. Plus, he can add extra fat and calories since he is trying to gain. As long as those fat and calories don't end up on my plate, I'm okay with it.
We both also used to drink soda instead of water. When I stopped buying soda, he stopped drinking it. Now if he wants a soda he has to walk to the corner store and buy it himself, which he is far too lazy to do, plus he'd rather spend the money on something else.
He knows eating right is important to me and tries to be supportive.


My advice: stop enabling him. Tell him if he wants to eat unhealthy food he has to buy it himself. It's not okay that you have to do two sets of grocery shopping and deal with negative comments. Try to find some "healthy meals in disguise" where he thinks he's getting to indulge, but really he is eating a healthy meal. And finally, I know he doesn't want to listen, but sit him down and say, "This is very important to me. I want to live a healthy lifestyle and live for a long time, and I'd love it if you were there with me the entire way. I don't feel I have any support from you right now, and that saddens me. I am also worried about your health, you're setting yourself up for serious health problems with the way that you're eating. Can we come up with some sort of compromise?"

If he is completely unwilling to be supportive and help you out with this lifestyle, then frankly, he isn't worth spending the rest of your life with.
Good luck with this one, I hope you guys can work out some sort of compromise.

Cold_Steel

I think a lot of people here are missing the point.

You do cook healthy meals and he does ignore them and goes out and buys his own junk food "because he is not full".

I am going to give you a few incidents from my perspective.

When I was really in a bad place food wise, I would eat fast food for breakfast lunch and then after work I would grab a burger because I knew my wife was going to make something low fat and healthy and that it wouldn't fill me up. I did this all the time, it was a beginning of an over eating disorder. Sometimes my wife would make me lunch and I would just toss it and go buy food on a credit card and eat out with a buddy at work. then I would get my usual pre dinner dinner. I would get home, tell my wife YUM that was awesome and then think nothing of it.

Sounds like maybe your husband is kind of doing the opposite, lashing out on your change of behavior and being insecure about it which in turn he is probably turning the stress into eating the crap.

That is a possibility, or he is just a douche and is purposefully resisting your attempts at a healthy lifestyle for all the same reasons significant others do that (insecurity - thinking that you are bettering yourself and moving on from them and so forth)

Or you can be over exaggerating and you were triggered from one or two occasions that he did not like your cooking... who knows.

I lean towards the beginning of an over eating disorder simply because he is showing a lot of signs of stress eating...

A few suggestions:

Make a budget, if the double grocery shopping is causing a problem - show him that you have to cut back on other expenses to make ends meat like entertainment and so on

Now, I am not condoning any sort of stupidity like withholding sexual activity BUT, maybe address his sexuality and reaffirm that you think he is sexy and that you are working on toning up and losing weight to improve your sex life. It is amazing how stupid us men can be and we would go for that

The bottom line is; it is your body and you cannot use his behavior as an excuse to stop you from becoming a healthier you. That could very well be a possibility with this too but from the looks of it probably not. If you have to make separate meals and you don't feel its necessary communicate with him and let him know that he has to start making his own food.

Quite honestly though if none of the above work this would be a deal breaker for me. This would show an obvious lack of compassion and ability to compromise if he was resistant on you becoming healthier and but before you call the divorce attorney I would suggest exploring the idea that he may be stressed out, creating an eating disorder, enveloped in his own insecurity or he is simply an *kitten* hat.

Good luck I don't envy you! My wife is thankfully 90% supportive about all this !

Laura8603

You just need to focus on you and make the right choices for yourself. You cannot change him. And I'd tell him he's not allowed to make fun of your choices anymore. He needs to keep his comments to himself.

I'm in a similar boat with my boyfriend. He needs to lose about 50 pounds and he carries them around his mid-section (the most unhealthy place to carry them). I worry about his health. I try to encourage him without nagging. He has to decide to do it for himself, though. I do not let his choices affect mine.

wifeyy

Unfortunately trying to change someone's eating habits is nearly impossible. However that does not mean you should give up on him. He has to come to the realization himself that he is damaging his body but often that doesn't happen until there is a health scare. Just keep loving him and slowly and gently offering him new foods. My guy won't eat "green stuff" but there are heaps of other things like mushrooms, pulses, potatoes etc. that he likes. A difficult situation for you, money wise and health wise for him and I wish you luck.

Well said!! i was thingking same thing, your good example might eventually change him. keep it up girl, we are here to support you.

fuzzyslipperz

My hubby and I have been married almost 20 years and we don't go in for the traditional gender roles. We've always lived a bit like roommates in this regard and it works for us. I cook for me, he cooks for him and occasionally either one of us will cook for both if there's something that we both like. If I go shopping I'll buy his junk within some reason, and v/v.

So it's not mandatory in a marriage for one person to cook all the food and the other person to just grin and eat what they are served (either the healthy eater or the junk food eater). I let my DH do his thing - I might nag a bit now and then, but that's just because I am concerned - if he wants junk, he can have it - he just needs to cook/prepare it himself and possibly go out and buy it as well.