My boyfriend drinks... I need advice

Innerglow

I know he won't change unless he does it for himself and he is the biggest walking cliche "I'm not an alcoholic" BUT in every other sisuation hes damn near the perfect man. He cooks, he cleans, he loves me more than I could ever imagine anybody would, he works really hard nobody what he does BUT he drinks. I wouldn't call him a raging alcoholic but when he does drink he can't stop. He doesn't recognize this as a problem. I should probably take some insight from my family who doesn't like him. But I am the baby of 5. It's like having 3 dads and 2 moms! We are all very protective of eachother just because we don't have a father. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am staying with him just to prove them wrong! But I really do love him, I just hate his drinking! He gets loud, obnoxious, and doesn't make any sense in anything he says. I will tell you that when he does drink I become so mad and resentful, i'm a b!%(#. We have a 17 month old little girl together, we are not married or engaged and I had ended it with him about 3 months ago. I moved back into my moms and I told him Icouldn't handle the drinking so he of course promised to stop. But now we're right back where we started when I moved out. I wanted so badly to believe him but I I don't know what to do. I know the answer sounds simple but it makes me hurt so much to think of losing him. I either hurt him or me:ohwell:

Lil_Leah

YOU come first. you need to focus on making yourself happy. and a good environment for your child!

yes, its unfortunate, and extremely painful thinking of losing him, but ultimately - do you think he'll change? he can only say it so many times, ya know?

and i bet, in the end, you'll be happier if you do what YOU think is right.

good luck, dear. :flowerforyou:

Poison5119

Addiction is the most difficult thing to deal with in life, especially when you're not the addict. Trust me when I say that you will never win the battle. He himself has to decide what he wants more, his family or his addiction. The sad thing is that a functional addict is a wonderful person. My brother never did anyone any harm, and was quite intelligent and talented but was a 750ml/daily maintenance drinker for 25 years until he died of cirrhosis in 2007 at age 46. It was a horrible death, and equally horrible to watch (for those that watched - I was stuck here while he was in UMass Hospital). I didn't get to go to his memorial service. It's still quite painful.

If you stay, you will hurt not only yourself, and your child, but HIM as well; you have given him empty ultimatums and he counts on you to be there. You're not doing anyone any favors. I can't offer any advice, just an understanding ear. Just take care of YOU.

jb_sweet_99

Do you have Al-Anon in your area? Your situation sounds shockingly similar to my sister's. Going to Al-Anon has made her stronger and has taught her how to handle her husband that drinks too much without just nagging him to stop. It's a really great program if you have access to it. Always remember that you and that child are what is the most important, and do what is best for you. I wish you luck :flowerforyou:

rachi20024

Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary being alcohol free. I too drank and couldn't stop I went to detox,rehabs even lost custody of my daughter(I now have custody) but didn't stop. One day it hit me I lost everything that made me happy. He won't change until he's ready too that's just the bottom line. You being there or not or not make him quit he needs to want to change. Leaving hurts but staying with someone whose not going to sacrifice his booze for family isn't worth it. Offer support if he's willing to recieve it and an ultimatim that is all you can do.

kdm9295

I was married to an alcholic for 10 years. We have 2 kids and I tried to stay for them. Mistake. My kids and I are now living very happy, healthy lives. And he is still in the same place he was 10 year ago.

I can't say your situation would be exactly the same. But you are right, you cannot change him, only he can do that. You have to do what is best for you, and your daughter.

azwildcatfan94

I second the al-anon opinion. As long as you stay, you are "addicted" too. I don't know if I said that right... Maybe you are caught up in the disease too. So, you need to decide what you are going to do for yourself, just like he will need to for himself.

bethrs

The Al-Anon suggestion is a great one. My Dad was an alcoholic and it was rough. He changed though and that was worth alot. But in the meantime it was very rough. Definitely do what is best for your daughter- seeing your parents messed up is a traumatic experience. If you don't leave all together, think about making sure that she is not around him when he is making bad choices.

Hope something gives soon.

mnichol

my exhusband was a "functioning alcoholic". He went to work each day, usually buzzed up, and he was a binge drinker. Alcoholics don't change. they may stop drinking but its always there. Is that the life you want??

expressbug

Video tape him, play it back to him when he is sober. Maybe it will hit him.

hnlymark

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

barbarella

Wow.... I think the video tape idea is great! If that doesn't shake him, maybe nothing will.

Or maybe, if you walk away & seriously walk away he'll sober up.

Or maybe not, most likely not.

So take care of Numero Uno baby! You and your child! Let the family help you stay away from this guy.... no matter how great he is most of the time. The alcohol situation will crash & burn & go down in flames...... eventually. And you don't need to be there!!!

It's hard to see someone you love self-destruct...... :brokenheart:

Best to you!!!! :flowerforyou:

thumper44

Video tape him, play it back to him when he is sober. Maybe it will hit him.

I was going to say exactly this. If he's such a nice guy, does all the work/chores, he might not realize how he comes across after he's drinking.

Alcoholism is a disease.

You can't change him, he has to want to change himself.

My dad was also an alcoholic, and I've seen many friends who say "they don't have a problem", but love to get plastered during the week and every weekend.

barbarella

To hnlymark:
That sounds kind of rude, dude! :grumble:

But, I get what you're saying.
Different addictions for different folks!

Innerglow

Thank you everyone for your adivce and suggestions. The fights with him the day after he's been drinking are always the same but never easy! He compares drinking to me not being neat!! Ok so the first thing I do in the morning isn't making my bed or putting away my laundry but those 2 are no comparison. I just realized how ridiculous he sounds, and he tells me that I don't know how to love because you can't just turn the switch. I know you can't just stop loving someone but you can tell them that to protect yourself. Am I the only person that does that? He's been married and divorced twice before and now I know why. He's an arrogant jerk! I love him and I hate him!

steph54

Meggie - My heart goes out to all of you. The best thing you can do for yourself and the baby is contact Alanon (website below) which is an organization for the family and friends of people with the disease of alcoholism. It is completely anonymous. There are Alanon groups all over the world, and probably several in your own town or city. There you will meet people in your own situation who can give you love, hope, and support.

The decision to leave or stay with your boyfriend is a decision only you can make. Alanon will help you understand the disease of alcoholism so you can make an informed choice that you will not regret later.

Good luck to you from one who has been there.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

AmyBrenn

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

Actually, only one person said something about alcoholics never changing. Most said they won't change until they're ready. That pretty much goes for most addictions.

srtakelch

Does he have anything else he does for fun (no, cleaning does not count as a hobby)?

You can't just quit drinking. You have to replace it with something. And it has to be something enjoyable. Maybe not equally enjoyable, but pretty fun.

Let's say he likes, for example, fishing. Give him a gift, like a new fishing pole. Maybe he likes boxing. Give him a membership to a gym. Leave the gift with a note that says, "this is my gift to you to help you quit drinking. I know you like (activity) and I want you to try doing this instead of drinking." Tell him how you feel in the note. Tell him all the consequences he will face if he does not stop drinking (he will not be able to see your child, etc.) You could also leave some Al-non or other info with the note. Then take your daughter leave and stay somewhere else and see if he will do it.

If he won't, you might have to leave forever.

PS. also if you videotape him that sounds like a good idea.... especially if you do have a custody battle over your child in court you can use the video.

amicklin

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

I would say you are right on with that one! Habits ie. food, drinks, drugs or mentalities are all hard to break thats why they are called addictions! Some of the hardest to break or the ones that are 'socially acceptable' like drinking (legal), cigarettes (legal) or food. Change can happen it takes a hell of a lot of work though.

rachi20024

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

TOO TRUE!! People are always capable of change.

thumper44

You've moved out once, you can do it again.

The fact that you say he's an arrogant jerk, and he's been married already twice should be the flashing red light. Also, if he's drinking alone.. That's a HUGE RED LIGHT.

Your young, only 22, and have LOTS and LOTS of life to live, and will find a guy that will make you happy 24/7, not only when they're sober.

Take it from experience, there's tons of people on here who knows someone that's been in your situation.

Do something now, or in 5 years, 10 years, you'll wish you would have.
Nobody said it would be easy, but he needs help, and your not his mother or his keeper.

When we tried to help my dad, we went as far as to go to the nearest restaurants/bars and tell them not to serve him.
We also had a letter from his doctor and I took it into the liquor store when I was a teenager. They stopped selling to him, but he would find it somewhere else.

He never did stop.........