My boyfriend drinks... I need advice

naugustyniak

I have been married to an alcoholic for 21 years. At first it wasn't so bad and he would quit for awhile. Each time he goes back it gets worse. He won't quit and I have come to the conclusion that it is not my fault (took me a long time to realize that). If you have somewhere to go, go. If he really wants this to work, he will quit and quit for good. Don't go back until he has been sober for AT LEAST a year. I have wasted 20 years of my life living with someone who loves alcohol than he does his family (me and the 2 kids). My kids are 21 and 18 and don't invite friends over, don't stay at home and every time the garage door goes up, they scatter. I am leaving him next year after my son graduates from high school. I am waiting that long because I need to get my finances together AND I will be leaving town and don't want my son to have to spend his senior year at a different school (he is leaving for the Marines next June after he graduates). Until that time, it is living from day to day dealing. You don't want that for yourself or your child. They see it no matter how hard you try to hide it. My kids have no respect for their father and that is really sad. Whatever you decide to do, go to an Al-Anon meeting. They will help you cope and also help you not be a co-dependent.

naugustyniak

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

Addictions are addictions I agree but you HAVE to eat, you don't have to drink. Once you are an alcoholic you are either an drinking alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic. Once you stop, you can NEVER drink again. You can eat in moderation with a food addiction but you can never drink in moderation if you are a recovering alcoholic. Doesn't work that way.

RELLISON

I grew up with a dad that drank. He was never mean- a good dad that did lots of things for my brother and me. I still remember to this day the fights my mom and dad would have. They were not happy. They would try to protect us from the fighting but kids are a lot more knowing then they seem. My mother was misserable! ( and sometimes it was taken out on the kids- not physically but just being frustrated and no patients) I always wished that my parents would get a divorce. They didnt do it until I left for college- and now they both have their own lives and are happy and fun to be around. They are completely different people. If you can make it work and be happy great, but dont be together and be miserable thinking its whats best for your chid. :flowerforyou:

Innerglow

I really appreciate all of your thoughts. I haven't looked into al-anon yet but i certainly will and I have thought of videotaping but I don't have a camera that can do that! I do currently live with my mother but I went right back to seeing him and staying with him on my days off. I think it's mostly because my mother drives me nuts and shes a teacher so shes off ALL SUMMER! I really do think I need to focus on myself at the moment. I've never been one to be in touch with all my feelings so I should probably start trying harder! The easy part is over, moving out! Now the hard part is about to ensue, I won't be able to see him for awhile so I will have to figure out how he's going to see Elliet our daughter. His mom does live right down the street so I could drop her off there. It just seem so daunting to just stop seeing someone when you love them and have been together 3 years! I am a strong willed woman (most of the time) so we will see how this goes!:smokin: :flowerforyou:

tubbytabbytales

My stepdad was an alcoholic. It was an AWFUL environment to live in. When we were growing up, he wasn't that bad, he would only drink at night after we all went to bed, but then after about 8 years, he started drinking during the day, and turned into an alcoholic 24/7. Even to this day, after they've been divorced for years, I still have a hard time drinking, or even watching other people drink.

adopt4

I agree with everyone here. Until he realizes he has a problem, he will not change. You may be able to show him that problem with the videotape, or maybe he's still in strong denial. You can't change him, cajole him, nag him or talk him into understanding he has a problem. I also agree al anon can help you and give you support to do what you need to do.

You can love someone completely, accept them completely, and still not accept their addiction as being ok. It's not about loving him. It's not about acceptance. He has an addiction, and he is psychologically and physiologically addicted.

You sticking around hoping he'll change will not change him. You sticking around and being miserable, raising a child in a miserable household - that will not change him. But it will change the two of you.

onfleur

You don't change unless it hurts bad enough to. So now you have to decide how to live your life and then be willing to deal with the consequences that come from someone who has addictions. My best to you and your dilema. If he doesn't recognize he has a problem then he won't change until he does.

GrnEyz80

So I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, because I didn't have the time to read all the comments, but:

I think you should video tape him when he's drunk, and acting horrible, so that it really shows how mean he can be. Then when he's in a place where he's willing to talk to you and listen, show him the tape. Explain how the person he is at that moment is the one you love, and the one you want for a role model for your daughter, then explain how that person on the tape is the one you can't stand and don't want your daughter around, and it is totally his choice to behave that way and get help (you can't force ppl to get help), but if wants to keep you and your daughter that's what needs to happen.

On a side note, I grew up with a very abusive father, and my brothers grew up with their dad as an alcoholic. It's not good for kids to be raised in that environment. They start to think that that is normal,and continue the cycle into their lives. Plus, not only is her father not there for her because he's drunk, but you're not there fully for her because your so focused on him.

Good luck with all this, I hope everything turns out well, no matter which way you go!

betheranne

Comparing his drinking to your struggles with houscleaning is grasping at straws at best, and just simply pathetic.

I'm married to a recovering drug addict. He smoked weed when we started dating, and I knew that. Shortly after our son was born in 2003 he ramped up to cocaine. He quit his job in January of 2005, and it spiraled out of control after that.

I took our son and left on April 28. He entered rehab at the end of June, I moved back home in July. He relapsed and went back into rehab almost exactly one year later. In 2007 he was once again unemployed, then the gambling addiction reared it's ugly head. It's been a LONG, HARD road that is just finally starting to level out. Some days I wonder if staying was the best choice, but he's becoming the loving, involved husband and father he used to be once again.

That is my story, it doesn't work that way for everyone.

Al-Anon is something I cannot recommend strongly enough. The people around those tables know the crazy-making your are living with, and it is crazy making. He's working to keep you off balance. That's what the ridiculous comparisons are about. When I first started sharing at meetings do you know what I saw on the faces of the people around those tables? Understanding. They were nodding their heads. Some have even worse crazy making to share.

Listen to me:
You didn't cause the alcoholism.
You can't control the alcoholism.
You can't cure the alcoholism.

Taking notes to bars and liquor stores is simply manipulation. That's all it is. Go to Al-Anon, today, tonight, soon. Learn how to take care of you and your child, and leave him to the natural consequences of his behavior. Arguing with him? Pointless. And a waste of energy.

I just noticed you mentioned you've moved back out. Good for you. Now, get to some meetings and get yourself emotionally/mentally healthy. Also a good idea to limit your contact with him, like you mentioned. In fact, I would encourage everything be done via email and in writing. That way his manipulation attempts are curtailed somewhat, and he can't doublespeak his way out of what he did or didn't say.

Please let me know if I can help you with anything. You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.

havingitall

Plain and simple..... Is that what you want your child growing up with? I would pick a better life for my kids if I could.

anglbebe

I didn't read the other posts.

I was with my ex for a long time. He drank everyday. He would drink anywhere from 2 24 ounce cans of beer, to a gallon of wine, everyday. It hurt to see him like that. But, I sat myself down, (metaphorically of course), and said. What am I gonna do. Who do I love more, him to stay, or myself and my kids to leave. Then things got bad. So I said good bye.

I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic, he almost lost his life because of drinking, he gave me the best advice. He said, Yes of course he loves you, But an alcoholic loves his alcohol more.

Addiction is the hardest thing to let go. It consumes everything.

Edit....
I read what you said about not seeing him for a while. That is the best thing. I had to move from CA to MA. And I cried myself to sleep every night. Still hurts. But I see the looks on my daughters faces, and how happy they are. I know I did the right thing.

I've done the tape thing. It made it worse. He started yelling, When are you gonna start taping.
They will only change when they wake up and see how much they destroyed everything around them. Thats why apologizing/ making amends is one of the 12 steps

If you want to talk feel free to send me a message.

CaGinger

I think there have been some great points made here.

The only think I can add coming from an unhealthy relationship is that there are plenty of nice guys out there who will love you for who you are! Breaking up is never easy. I just left an 8 year relationship 7 months ago. Part of the reason (among many) was that I could not stand to see the person I loved so much continue his self destruction. I didn't want to watch him die, slowly killing himself. No matter how much you tell yourself its not your fault you still are affected. You still feel the pain of what they are doing to themselves.

Children learn from their parents. They see and hear just about everything. My grandfather was an alcoholic. His sons are now alcoholic. They drink and drink and drink in front of their own kids. I am not saying this to be true in your case but look at who you are. How much of that is a reflection of who your parents are and how you were brought up? Please let me ask you this question to answer to yourself. Do you want your child to see him like this in 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? on a daily basis?

What does that teach her? How will the daily reality of living with an alcoholic affect who she is going to grow to be? No one can save him from himself BUT himself. Maybe losing you and her will be the wake up call he needs to get right for his daughter. Maybe not.

You will always love him for the great guy he is. Lord knows I still love Alex. (My ex) I no longer feel the weight of his burdens on my shoulders though. I am no longer IN love with him. I am with a man who can stand under his own power. Believe me, there are many more out there.

Best wishes.

KatWood

First of all saying an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic is not at all like saying a fat person will always be fat. Alcoholism is an addiction, like a food addict. Being fat is a state, like being drunk. So saying an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic is like saying a food addict will always be a food addict, which I believe is true. But there are ways to learn how to cope with both types of addictions. An alcoholic can learn not to be a drunk just like a food addict can learn not to be fat.

Sorry for preaching ... just need to point that out.

My dad is an alcoholic so I know what you are going through and the suggests everyone is giving are great, especially Al-Anon. My dad has been convicted on DUI twice and has been involved in a hit in run while impaired and it was a child that he hit (luckily not badly injured). That didn't make him stop. He has been told that his liver is almost totally shot and that didn't stop him. After the second DUI (and losing his license) and almost dying during brain surgery he finally did stop. However, he has medically problems from the alcohol abuse that he will have to live with for the rest of his life.

You can't force him to change. However, if he chooses to recover you can be there to support him. But that doesn't necessarily mean being with him. I know this is a hard decision but you definitely have to put your child first. He may not like it, but deep down underneath his self deception, even he probably knows its true.

Good luck:flowerforyou:

kimber607

You deserve better and so does your child...that child is the priority here and doesn't deserve to grow up in an environment where one parent is an alcoholic....

Kick him to the curb until he hits rock bottom and gets help and can prove that he can stay sober

You don't want this for your life.....your child's life....

Kim

mommared53

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

Addictions are addictions I agree but you HAVE to eat, you don't have to drink. Once you are an alcoholic you are either an drinking alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic. Once you stop, you can NEVER drink again. You can eat in moderation with a food addiction but you can never drink in moderation if you are a recovering alcoholic. Doesn't work that way.

Excellent response. I give it 5 stars. * * * * *

BrendaLee

I think you already know what you have to do...it's not a very healthy situation for you or your child. I feel for your guy too, because I know how hard addiction is to overcome, and it's not as simple as saying, "I choose you over the alcohol". He needs to get help, but he'll only get that if he feels he needs it, and that's a conclusion he'll only come to on his own...but often that only happens when he reaches rock bottom.

My brother is in the hospital right now in pretty bad shape from alcoholic cirrhosis...he may not make it long enough to even get on the list for a transplant. His drug of choice was beer, and now it's looking like it's going to take his life.

Have a serious talk with you man (when he's sober), and let him know you won't sit around and let him kill himself. Either he gets help, or you're gone.

stormieweather

Don't you deserve someone who treats you well every day? Not just on the days he's not drinking?

You can't make him want to stop. That is a choice that only he can make. But you do have the power to choose a better life for you and your daughter.

I won't allow anything, ever again, to have more control over me than I have over myself...that includes alcohol (6 years sober in Sept), cigarettes, food cravings or an abusive partner. But no one could make me decide that, I had to do it alone.

Innerglow

Thank you everyone for your responses. I've already given so many ultimatums its ridiculous. For now its about staying strong and taking it day by day. You guys don't how much I appreciate everyones unbiased opinions and advice. :flowerforyou:

kellch

My heart goes out to you....I too was in a relationship like this. Only, he was mentally and eventually it turned physically abusive. You didn't mention anything like this but at the same time, it wasn't like that in the beginning for me. It took 2 years to get to mental abuse and 3 years before it turned physical and resulted in the loss of a pregnancy because of the abuse. It was that and then him holding a shotgun to my head when I finally decided I had to get out now or the only way I'd get out was in a body bag. I loved his son like he was my own. This man was only like this when he was drinking also. But he drank almost every day. I don't have a lot of time to get into all of the details but feel free to PM me any time. I tried to leave again and again but either moved out and came back or stayed out of fear from the fact that he threatened me and my family if I left. I finally left and I got a motel room for a week just to hide. I turned my phone off and didn't tell anyone where I was at. I needed time to clear my head. I eventually got my own place and he started calling me again we saw each other a few times and he swore he would change. I didnt move in with him and he didn't move in with me. Things were good at first but low an behold it went back to the same old stuff. He got a DUI and I told him when he went to jail I didn't want anything to do with him ever again. Best move I ever made and it has taken me a long time to recover from it. From what I hear, he is married and hasn't touched alcohol since we split up for good. I am very happy for him. He hit bottom and it took him losing a whole lot to realize that. It's great that he was able to become the person I knew he could be. I always saw the goodness inside. And I don't hate him. Even after the hell he put me through. I know it wasn't him. I know he had a problem. I wish him the best and hope he has a great life. But I never for one minute ever regretted leaving or the way things turned out. One door closes and another opens. Concentrate on you and your daughter and becoming strong again. I didn't even date or wanna date anyone for a year or two after we split. I just concentrated on me. But now, I am now happily married to a wonderful man. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but I don't regret it one bit and I never have. I always knew I had to get out. Its not easy. Its scary. You need to take care of you and your child and it's not going to be easy but you can do it. I always liked to listen to Mariah Carey's "Through the Rain". Listen to it. It's very very motivational, very very true, and it helped me alot.

I also always remember the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (I cannot change him) The courage to change the things that I can. ( I can change the situation) And the wisdom to know the difference. (you have that wisdom and deep down you know this is true)

I never tried Alanon but it would definately be a good thing to look into.

You can do this girl! It won't be easy but you'll be so happy you got out. :flowerforyou:
Good luck. And again, PM me if you wanna talk. I cut alot of stuff out. I'm supposed to be working. :embarassed:

kellch

I forgot to add........when I moved out, I didn't even tell him I was leaving. I knew he would try and play his mind games to keep me around again. I waited til he left for the day, paid for a U-haul and got outta dodge.

I found the lyrics to Through The Rain:
When you get caught in the rain
With noware to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone and you feel so far away

That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
What you say is


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say I

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.


Very inspirational song in a tough time like this! :flowerforyou: