My boyfriend drinks... I need advice

anglbebe

I didn't read the other posts.

I was with my ex for a long time. He drank everyday. He would drink anywhere from 2 24 ounce cans of beer, to a gallon of wine, everyday. It hurt to see him like that. But, I sat myself down, (metaphorically of course), and said. What am I gonna do. Who do I love more, him to stay, or myself and my kids to leave. Then things got bad. So I said good bye.

I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic, he almost lost his life because of drinking, he gave me the best advice. He said, Yes of course he loves you, But an alcoholic loves his alcohol more.

Addiction is the hardest thing to let go. It consumes everything.

Edit....
I read what you said about not seeing him for a while. That is the best thing. I had to move from CA to MA. And I cried myself to sleep every night. Still hurts. But I see the looks on my daughters faces, and how happy they are. I know I did the right thing.

I've done the tape thing. It made it worse. He started yelling, When are you gonna start taping.
They will only change when they wake up and see how much they destroyed everything around them. Thats why apologizing/ making amends is one of the 12 steps

If you want to talk feel free to send me a message.

CaGinger

I think there have been some great points made here.

The only think I can add coming from an unhealthy relationship is that there are plenty of nice guys out there who will love you for who you are! Breaking up is never easy. I just left an 8 year relationship 7 months ago. Part of the reason (among many) was that I could not stand to see the person I loved so much continue his self destruction. I didn't want to watch him die, slowly killing himself. No matter how much you tell yourself its not your fault you still are affected. You still feel the pain of what they are doing to themselves.

Children learn from their parents. They see and hear just about everything. My grandfather was an alcoholic. His sons are now alcoholic. They drink and drink and drink in front of their own kids. I am not saying this to be true in your case but look at who you are. How much of that is a reflection of who your parents are and how you were brought up? Please let me ask you this question to answer to yourself. Do you want your child to see him like this in 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? on a daily basis?

What does that teach her? How will the daily reality of living with an alcoholic affect who she is going to grow to be? No one can save him from himself BUT himself. Maybe losing you and her will be the wake up call he needs to get right for his daughter. Maybe not.

You will always love him for the great guy he is. Lord knows I still love Alex. (My ex) I no longer feel the weight of his burdens on my shoulders though. I am no longer IN love with him. I am with a man who can stand under his own power. Believe me, there are many more out there.

Best wishes.

KatWood

First of all saying an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic is not at all like saying a fat person will always be fat. Alcoholism is an addiction, like a food addict. Being fat is a state, like being drunk. So saying an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic is like saying a food addict will always be a food addict, which I believe is true. But there are ways to learn how to cope with both types of addictions. An alcoholic can learn not to be a drunk just like a food addict can learn not to be fat.

Sorry for preaching ... just need to point that out.

My dad is an alcoholic so I know what you are going through and the suggests everyone is giving are great, especially Al-Anon. My dad has been convicted on DUI twice and has been involved in a hit in run while impaired and it was a child that he hit (luckily not badly injured). That didn't make him stop. He has been told that his liver is almost totally shot and that didn't stop him. After the second DUI (and losing his license) and almost dying during brain surgery he finally did stop. However, he has medically problems from the alcohol abuse that he will have to live with for the rest of his life.

You can't force him to change. However, if he chooses to recover you can be there to support him. But that doesn't necessarily mean being with him. I know this is a hard decision but you definitely have to put your child first. He may not like it, but deep down underneath his self deception, even he probably knows its true.

Good luck:flowerforyou:

kimber607

You deserve better and so does your child...that child is the priority here and doesn't deserve to grow up in an environment where one parent is an alcoholic....

Kick him to the curb until he hits rock bottom and gets help and can prove that he can stay sober

You don't want this for your life.....your child's life....

Kim

mommared53

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

Addictions are addictions I agree but you HAVE to eat, you don't have to drink. Once you are an alcoholic you are either an drinking alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic. Once you stop, you can NEVER drink again. You can eat in moderation with a food addiction but you can never drink in moderation if you are a recovering alcoholic. Doesn't work that way.

Excellent response. I give it 5 stars. * * * * *

BrendaLee

I think you already know what you have to do...it's not a very healthy situation for you or your child. I feel for your guy too, because I know how hard addiction is to overcome, and it's not as simple as saying, "I choose you over the alcohol". He needs to get help, but he'll only get that if he feels he needs it, and that's a conclusion he'll only come to on his own...but often that only happens when he reaches rock bottom.

My brother is in the hospital right now in pretty bad shape from alcoholic cirrhosis...he may not make it long enough to even get on the list for a transplant. His drug of choice was beer, and now it's looking like it's going to take his life.

Have a serious talk with you man (when he's sober), and let him know you won't sit around and let him kill himself. Either he gets help, or you're gone.

stormieweather

Don't you deserve someone who treats you well every day? Not just on the days he's not drinking?

You can't make him want to stop. That is a choice that only he can make. But you do have the power to choose a better life for you and your daughter.

I won't allow anything, ever again, to have more control over me than I have over myself...that includes alcohol (6 years sober in Sept), cigarettes, food cravings or an abusive partner. But no one could make me decide that, I had to do it alone.

Innerglow

Thank you everyone for your responses. I've already given so many ultimatums its ridiculous. For now its about staying strong and taking it day by day. You guys don't how much I appreciate everyones unbiased opinions and advice. :flowerforyou:

kellch

My heart goes out to you....I too was in a relationship like this. Only, he was mentally and eventually it turned physically abusive. You didn't mention anything like this but at the same time, it wasn't like that in the beginning for me. It took 2 years to get to mental abuse and 3 years before it turned physical and resulted in the loss of a pregnancy because of the abuse. It was that and then him holding a shotgun to my head when I finally decided I had to get out now or the only way I'd get out was in a body bag. I loved his son like he was my own. This man was only like this when he was drinking also. But he drank almost every day. I don't have a lot of time to get into all of the details but feel free to PM me any time. I tried to leave again and again but either moved out and came back or stayed out of fear from the fact that he threatened me and my family if I left. I finally left and I got a motel room for a week just to hide. I turned my phone off and didn't tell anyone where I was at. I needed time to clear my head. I eventually got my own place and he started calling me again we saw each other a few times and he swore he would change. I didnt move in with him and he didn't move in with me. Things were good at first but low an behold it went back to the same old stuff. He got a DUI and I told him when he went to jail I didn't want anything to do with him ever again. Best move I ever made and it has taken me a long time to recover from it. From what I hear, he is married and hasn't touched alcohol since we split up for good. I am very happy for him. He hit bottom and it took him losing a whole lot to realize that. It's great that he was able to become the person I knew he could be. I always saw the goodness inside. And I don't hate him. Even after the hell he put me through. I know it wasn't him. I know he had a problem. I wish him the best and hope he has a great life. But I never for one minute ever regretted leaving or the way things turned out. One door closes and another opens. Concentrate on you and your daughter and becoming strong again. I didn't even date or wanna date anyone for a year or two after we split. I just concentrated on me. But now, I am now happily married to a wonderful man. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but I don't regret it one bit and I never have. I always knew I had to get out. Its not easy. Its scary. You need to take care of you and your child and it's not going to be easy but you can do it. I always liked to listen to Mariah Carey's "Through the Rain". Listen to it. It's very very motivational, very very true, and it helped me alot.

I also always remember the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (I cannot change him) The courage to change the things that I can. ( I can change the situation) And the wisdom to know the difference. (you have that wisdom and deep down you know this is true)

I never tried Alanon but it would definately be a good thing to look into.

You can do this girl! It won't be easy but you'll be so happy you got out. :flowerforyou:
Good luck. And again, PM me if you wanna talk. I cut alot of stuff out. I'm supposed to be working. :embarassed:

kellch

I forgot to add........when I moved out, I didn't even tell him I was leaving. I knew he would try and play his mind games to keep me around again. I waited til he left for the day, paid for a U-haul and got outta dodge.

I found the lyrics to Through The Rain:
When you get caught in the rain
With noware to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone and you feel so far away

That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
What you say is


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say I

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.


Very inspirational song in a tough time like this! :flowerforyou:

Innerglow

Thank you very much Kellch. :flowerforyou: You don't know how inspirational you have been for me. Yes deep down I know whats right for me and my daughter, it's the getting through that stage that is hard! I knew when I got pregnant just 7 months after we started dating it was gonna be a long hard road! I have so many doubts when he asks me to marry him that I know it can't be right! I always say yes out loud but think no in my head! That should be a sign!:ohwell:

ilike2moveit

Think of the advice that you would give your daughter in this situation-and then follow it. Most likely he won't change. Is this something you are willing to live with? Be strong and leave him; you'll be glad that you did. Good luck, honey.

Innerglow

I just wanted tp update you guys on my "situation". I went to my first al-anon meeting today. I did not go on my own. My man suggested it and we just happened to be able to attend our seperate meetings at the same time. It was eye-opening to say the least. I started crying the moment people started telling there stories of strength through acceptance. I know I will be going back soon. Thank you so much for all of your kind words and inspiration!:flowerforyou:

proctor0828

Think of the environment for your baby!!!!!

girlfriend

Hi I can relate, I think the sooner you can make a plan and get away from him the better the longer you wait the harder it will be for you and the child