feeling really down and not getting support

blairh10

First- Your daughter is amazing! Glad to here you are taking good care and setting an example for that little cutie.
Second- What is said is said. I have said things I wish I could take back but, I have to own it and then do something about it. My hubby is guilty of the same, saying things we don't really mean. Doesn't happen often so when it does it is pretty painful. Saying "I'm sorry" means a lot for each of us to hear.
I tend to eat emotionally and a fight is a great excuse to eat comfort foods for me. I told my husband I felt like I ate more when I was emotional and so he was awesome and took over the food lists and the scheduled meals for both of us. He eats a lot more than I do and sneaks in fast food all the time (because he is one of those lucky people who eat whatever and are perfect) but, if he sees me reaching for something bad he will silently take it away and MAKE me something acceptable, never saying a word or making me feel bad no matter how many time I say "But I really wanted that!". He doesn't just say "tisk tisk" he takes action and that has made it soooo much easier for me because I was making decisions emotionally and not practially.
After a while of healthy eating I don't crave junk foods so much anymore. Maybe she is just needing more hand-holding through this without making her feel like you are giving her tip, after advice, after suggestion (not saying you do that).

clover5

Maybe if you helped with the grocery shopping you could help make wiser choices for old recipes and both be healthier in the long run.

Second this idea. Shopping can be a family affair. Be sure you pick up lots of fresh fruit, and lean cuts. Read labels. Try new foods. Don't be afraid of the frozed section. Not all frozen meals are created equally. Here is a link to a WebMD article of healthy frozen meals. Add an apple and a glass of skim milk and you will have a decent meal even if you're tired.
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/best-frozen-dinners Also, before you go shopping, maybe you can look at some recipe websites together and make dinner plans for the next week, even if only for a couple of nights. For your lunches, just tell her "no thanks honey, I want to pack it myself."

This is really more about you than about her. If she were making healthy meals and still not losing the 35 pounds, you would not feel so angry and disappointed. You want healthy meals to meet your goals, and for your daughter. Nothing wrong with that. But she isn't on board. She likes her food choices, and doesn't want to change.

EmmasMomma2008

I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. Just know you will get through it. What concerns me though with your wife's attitude is your daughter's future health. I have a young daughter at home and I can tell you that she plays the biggest part in my latest journey to become (and remain) healthy. I just don't want her forming the same bad habits that I had. I don't want her reaching the point where I am at where she now needs to struggle with losing weight.
While you can't force your wife to make that lifestyle change, maybe if you try sitting down with her at least one more time (a time when you are both calm) and discuss your concerns about her health and how you feel it may impact your daughters health since she's not only learning from you, but from her as well. Ask her if she'd be willing to make the effort - not for her - but for her daughter. And promise her you'll be there with her through the journey, as you know everyone has bad days and occasionally falls off the wagon.
My thoughts are with you and here's hoping all works out for the best. Take care.

Nwilliams112

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I was the same way toward my spouse he wanted to work out, I didn't. I would drag him down sometimes. I would go through dieting phases and lose hope. It was when I decided I wanted to lose the weight did things really change. Now I am the one getting him out of bed to workout. However, that being said. It also sounds like that there is some other underlying issues with your wife. I would suggest talking to a counselor with her. It does not have to be a professional one, a pastor could help too. I know that is one thing that truly help me as I suffered from severe depression. I do hope that you can continue on your path to your goals as hard as it may seem right now.

kayteesb

Great words of encouragement. I needed this too. We all do at some point. It's hard to remain disciplined when everyone is not onboard. I'm in that boat. When I met my boyfriend I was:
Eating healthy
In running class Tuesday & Thursday
Working with a trainer Monday & Wednesday
Played softball every Thursday evening after running

I started dating him and my schedule started to change. I no longer got up early, no longer had the same discipline and motivation. I was busy spending time with him. Now almost 2 years later, my weight gain is an issue. I try to explain to him how and why things changed and he didn't see the connection. Bull!! He refuses to accept it. I have to accept THAT. So I told him I would be going back to my schedule because at the end of the day my health is what is most important. Hopefully he will follow suit, lose the much needed 50lbs he ignores, and we will both be on the road to wellness.
It's tough when he brings me onion rings and ice cream or makes a dinner filled with stuff I don't want to eat and I, hungry as he'll. So I understand this young man wholeheartedly.
Again, this is a great post. Reality is so up in our faces that we need this encouragement regularly to stay afloat.

CookieCrumble

Wow... some lovely responses here. :flowerforyou:

I'm trying to think what the obstacles are that are frightening your wife and stopping her from working with you on this? I think that her fear of change is completely crippling her from addressing the problem. That, coupled with the fact that she might consider it an indication of your dissatisfaction with her and all the implied criticism that goes with it. I think that the first person in a couple, to take charge of themselves does tend to have the 'upper hand' in that they were first and therefore 'ahead' of the person left behind.

Truthfully, I don't think this is something that you can change yourself but you can support your wife whilst she makes the realisation for herself and give her the constant reassurance that she's going to need. You're absolutely right, your daughter's eating habits could go either way and one parent's choice to eat healthfully is not necessarily enough to tip the balance the right way. Children can pick up the most dreadful habits from very little interaction with an adverse one. I think that some very tough talking is needed where your daughter is concerned - but you must NOT be the person to do it... you need a health professional to be the 'bad guy' and really lay it on the line about your daughter's health being put at risk. If you could get an appointment with your family doctor and discuss the problem with them, I'm sure they would be very keen to help you and perhaps guide you on preparing the groundwork - and how to keep going when it gets very tough. You can then talk through this with your wife and tell her of the concern that you have, so many obese children, dying before their parents - it's a very sad fact. Even if they don't die, they can live a hampered life with mobility affected and discrimination from a wider public.

For now though, take control of what you're putting in your body. As previously suggested, half portions may be a very gentle and non-confrontational tactic you can use. I tend to cook batches of food like chilli/rice, soups, stews, casseroles and freeze them into portions. You can calorie count those by portion and just take one out of the freezer when you're leaving in the morning. You could get your daughter to help you with preparing and cooking these on the premise of 'helping mum', 'giving mum a break from cooking', any of those positive messages, none of which can hurt your wife's feelings.

Boiled eggs are great, packaged ham (low fat), turkey and chicken breasts cooked, with raw veggies and fruits. The possibilities are endless. There are so many ways to eat healthily without giving up the things you love but it's all about balance. That's something I've only just learned since coming here; I thought it was all or nothing and so set myself up to fail again and again. Never will I do that again in future.

Encourage your wife in her Zumba class and tell her she looks beautiful when she comes back - all glowing and bright-eyed. Say nothing negative when she's long-time sitting, just encourage endlessly when she isn't. Take your daughter out to do activities with you and perhaps don't dress them up as 'exercise'; just family fun. A long walk can be a nature ramble with a (healthy) picnic halfway. Remind your wife how much you love her and want her with you when you do things as a family, and let her maintain her dignity in the (poor) choices she's making at the moment - there may come a time very soon when she comes around to the family way of healthy lifestyle.

I know that you 'lashed out' with your comment and it was totally out of order but completely understandable. Those comments won't work, not really, they have the same 'shock value' as warnings on cigarette cartons. What will work eventually, is the drip-drip message of positivity, non-judgemental actions and unwaivering support of family, no matter what.

I hope so much for you that the transition will be easy but I know that it won't. Resistance is the last bastion of fear... that will take time, knowledge, support and reassurance - rinse and repeat as many times as necessary, but in the meantime, carry on in the way you're doing and never give up. You have so much support here.

jdsmom0104

i skimmed over your post & got the gist of it...
i feel for you & understand... to a certain extent. my husband has been supportive of my healthier lifestyle, but would sometimes kinda sneer @ it.. which is fine... he likes 'REAL FOOD'... not worried @ it.... but me & the kids eat healthier & he'll eat his mcds or w/e & we know eachother that way. (1 of ) your problems are time... is there 1 day a week you can plan your meals ahead.. maybe even cook/freeze something? your wife may appreciate you taking the burden off of her, but it seems like she's sabotaging you.. it could be from fear or insecurity. you both HAVE to change your lifestyles in order to live healthier since you both have health issues... use that as your force & go fwd

GOOD LUCK

Jesea

I agree with what the above posters suggested, there's some great advice there. One more thing, though, is to try to make things easier for you during the crazy busy warmer months when there's so much to do. Perhaps you could do paper plates once in a while so there aren't so many dishes to take care of. The produce dept in my grocery store always has pre-cut veggies and fruits and salads, as well as cooked and peeled hard boiled eggs. They are a little more expensive, but if you're really pressed for time might be worthwhile.

When I lived at home, my stepdad always made a production out of meals. Lots of choices, not always healthy, and put so much love into them that it was hard to say no. So I just limited my portions, and made sure I had lots of healthy snacks so I wouldn't feel left out (the rest of the family could eat anything).

Hang in there, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. The weedwacking can wait, having a healthy life with your family won't.

Bagman12002

Your wife wont change till she wants to change or is forced to change. You have a busy schedule and no time to relax and that will cause Hi bloop pressure take time to relax and that will lower the stress in your life. It also sounds like you dont take time to eat enough thru the day thats why you may be so hungry at the end of the day. You can eat what your wife cooks for you just eat less heck take the leftovers for lunch, I eat a normal diet I just eat smaller portions. once your wife see's you eating smaller portins she will get the hint and stop makeing so much it will take time but it will happen. Good luck.

mrnice1058

OK guys i was in a bit of a depression. the day i put this post up i literally cried pretty much all day. that night i went to my wife and we had a very big heart to heart discussion about a lot of things. one of them was how important i am taking my health! She understood and is now being very aware of my health with me. I didnt say anything to her about her health because like everyone stated its her choice to join me in this battle. In the past 2 days we have taken the time to do a little more together and we are now setting up times as to when we are going to stop doing house work and other things so that way we can spend time with our daughter and to spend time with each other. i told her i feel that if we did this with each other it will help me with my health because i can be involved instead of just working on the house!. So we shall see what happens in the next few weeks. I want to thank everyone who posted in this thread. I took a lot of things said here and implied them in our talk. and i will stick to my guns and not let htis effect me as much! i will keep going strong and working hard at it. thanks again everyone!

CookieCrumble

I'm so glad that you posted back, MrNice, I've been wondering how you were getting on. I think you have taken some great steps there to get your wife involved in your fitness, regardless of how she feels about her own, and hopefully she'll start choosing to follow your lead on a few things herself. You sound a very nice family unit and your daughter is going to be a very grateful beneficiary of that. Hope you have a lovely weekend all of you. :flowerforyou: