sabotage, betrayal and moms

islandnutshel

Yesterday I was meeting my mom for Lunch at a restaurant, I am on a short lunch break so I ask her to order me my gluten free chicken tenders with salad. I get there and it is half fries half salad, oh well, they serve killer FF, so I will have a lighter dinner (240cals left for dinner)
I stayed over w my mom, got up early to put the coffee on and just as the coffee maker beeps I can hear my mom pouring me coffee. Sure enough when I get to the kitchen I see mom pouring full fat cream in my coffee.
"i mixed it with milk honey"
I am starting to get suspicious.
I love my mom, but try to avoid letting her have any control over my food.
What funny, not so funny, suspicious sabotage have others been subjected to, I wonder?

SueGremlin

Did you speak up?

cwalters1540

I don't think the people who love us are purposely trying to sabotage us, but my husband occasionally does. If he happens to be at the grocery store and sees something he knows I love to eat--but am trying to avoid--he'll buy it for me anyway.

I'm fortunate enough to have a hubby who loves me no matter what size I am so he thinks having me eat the foods I love (and have made me fat) is a good thing. When he does this I remind him that I'm trying to eat better and avoid the junk he's bringing me and that I can't do it without his support. I also tell him that bringing me the food HE thinks I want to eat doesn't make me happy...it makes me feel bad about myself. This usually gets him to stop buying me anything for a few months before I need to remind him again.

If you haven't already, try talking to your mom about how you feel. She probably knows how much you loved those fries and that's what she ordered them for you. Moms think they know what's best for their kids no matter how old we get. Remind her nicely that that isn't always true.

islandnutshel

Did I speak up? :

Not this time, I used yesterday's lunch to show her how the diet works. At dinner I just ate salad and a 2oz lean portion of my pork chop. Skipped her desert, and had a diet tonic water instead of wine. Simply stating I didn't have enough calories left over from lunch.
I am trying to lead by example. I am loud enough when pushed, she knows that more then anyone.

dmpizza

Don't read more into it, other than families suck at stuff like this.
If families were good at this, then this website wouldn't exist.

janalayn

Sometimes it is hard for the people around us to accept that we are making changes. I am 45 and my mother still does this ... and she is part of the reason I am overweight. She had me on diets when I was in high school - when I look at the pictures I realize I wasn't fat but she was. When I left home - I ate everything I wanted, which started my problems with weight. Now, even though she is coming to Curves with me, she still alternates between saying i'm not "really" losing to i'm "doing too much".

Don't let it bother you - it is her hangups, not yours. Just protect yourself from it by NOT allowing her to handle your food.

Good luck.

ChocolateisCrack

People treat with food, I know my family does, and for some reason it is depressing for them to not be able to do this anymore. I wish I could tell them to treat me with a manicure instead!! LOL

Enigmatica

I've had a "friend" who was well aware that I'm doing my damnedest to avoid gluten and cow milk tell me something was gluten free when it wasn't... and then she got all defensive about it when I "mysteriously" got sick. "I really thought it was all in your head."

Yeah. I really thought she needed her butt kicked.

::sigh::

linder4866

Yes, friends and family!! I have a friend who knows I am struggling with health problems and weight issues YET she always gives me gifts of food and throws a fit if I don't eat enough at lunch. I like my friend; I don't like the conflicts.

AmyM713

Yesterday I went to my in laws for a cook out, they like to drink, I was asked would you like a drink, I respond no I'm good I'll just have water if I get thirsty. 10 minutes later, I have a cranberry vodka tequila orange juice whatever sitting next to me, needless to say I didn't drink, I feel ungrateful but its just not what I want to waste my calories on.

islandnutshel

People treat with food, I know my family does, and for some reason it is depressing for them to not be able to do this anymore. I wish I could tell them to treat me with a manicure instead!! LOL

I love that idea.

I am booking a mother daughter pedicure.

manderson27

No one makes me eat anything I shouldn't, everyone respects my choices, my friends and family are all supportive.

The only person who sometimes tries to sabotage my weight loss is me. :sad:

mdj1501

I think people mean well, and unless you really count and track calories people don't understand how it works. You are doing great with the "lead by example". Keep up the good work and stay strong :flowerforyou:

Helenatrandom

I think you handled it well. You didn't eat to please her, but to please you. You can't make choices for her (like what she cooks or offers you to eat) but she can't make choices for you either.

Not to be a downer, but I miss my Mom a lot. Don't let this turn into a power struggle between the two of you. (But that is NOT to say "Eat what she gives you." Accept that the both of you get to make your own choices.)

tinksmommy2006

Did I speak up? :

Not this time, I used yesterday's lunch to show her how the diet works. At dinner I just ate salad and a 2oz lean portion of my pork chop. Skipped her desert, and had a diet tonic water instead of wine. Simply stating I didn't have enough calories left over from lunch.
I am trying to lead by example. I am loud enough when pushed, she knows that more then anyone.

You need to be a little louder hun. It is sabotage. Maybe not on purpose but a lot of people, even family, are upset when they see someone doing the things that they know they should be doing, or at least what they should want to be doing. So they in turn think ....a little honey wont hurt, there wasn't that many french fries, a little cream wont kill anything. because that's the way they are living. so you need to put your foot down...in a nice way, and just tell her ...look mom, I know you don't think that these little things are effecting me, but they are making it harder to change the bad habits of my life that got me to this unhappy place. I love you and I know that you are just trying in your own way, but please when I ask you to do this (like ordering the food), or when you would like to make me something (like the coffee), PLEASE take my new LIFESTYLE in to consideration. And if she can't handle that or still continues to do it...well then you need to stop letting her order your food or making it for you

Nerdy_Rose

I've had a "friend" who was well aware that I'm doing my damnedest to avoid gluten and cow milk tell me something was gluten free when it wasn't... and then she got all defensive about it when I "mysteriously" got sick. "I really thought it was all in your head."

Yeah. I really thought she needed her butt kicked.

::sigh::

If someone did that to me, I would probably punch them. Hard.

islandnutshel

Yesterday I went to my in laws for a cook out, they like to drink, I was asked would you like a drink, I respond no I'm good I'll just have water if I get thirsty. 10 minutes later, I have a cranberry vodka tequila orange juice whatever sitting next to me, needless to say I didn't drink, I feel ungrateful but its just not what I want to waste my calories on.

How would you even begin to guess the calories in that. There goes dinner.
I identify with the not wanting to feel ungrateful though. Not sure how to handle that.

Some one gave me a gluten free rice crispy peanut butter fully fat loaded bar the other day. I thanked her and said I want to keep it for my next work day to have as a snack, as everyone has cookies I cant eat staff room

FloraSin

My family deep fries everything that can fit into the little countertop thingy we have. Years ago, I said "I want to eat better" and they all promptly ignored it. Now, I'm running all the time and opting for healthier options, which gets me dirty looks from my Mom. They still buy and eat garbage. I can't force them to stop, but I do my own groceries anyway, so I just have a stash of healthy alternatives for when I want a snack.

I feel like I'm rambling so if I am, sorry about that. I just got back from a run and it is murderously hot out.

crimsoncat

My fiance is super skinny by virtue of breathing, so he's always drinking whole milk to try to gain weight (he does exercise at his job a lot). He'll make fun of me for drinking skim milk and used to be flat out mean to me about soy, coconut and almond ("Wow...That's disgusting!"). This was every single day at breakfast and included lovely complaints such as "we'll have to get two separate refrigerators because I don't want to look at that gross stuff".

I gently said, "hey, please don't tease me. I'm just trying the be healthier," once or twice to no avail.

Finally, after 3 months of this (combined with low sleep and a heavy dose of stress from school) I broke down crying over my cereal. He looked totally shocked when I explained how I felt rather hurt by his words. (I think the exact phrase I used was something like "I fell like I'm not allowed to make good choices for myself because you dislike them".) Anyway, after that, he suddenly became very supportive.

From what I gather, he had no idea that his joking around was bothering me that much. To be honest, it wasn't a huge issue. However, the other stresses in my life added up and resulted in that mess.

Either way, he's been much more supportive recently and is always reminding me to do my exercises when I'm stressed. He also has started to eat a bit better, at my prodding "Would you eat a veggie with me? I hate eating them and having you there helps."

Sometimes, all you have to do is speak up and be honest.

Jstewartdesigns

Sometimes, as with a spouse mostly, it is a sabotage but in a subconscious way. They don't want things to change and are afraid of loss if things do change. They are used to a dependent relationship so they keep feeding into it. Be strong, be aware, and be supportive of others around you.

islandnutshel

Not to be a downer, but I miss my Mom a lot. Don't let this turn into a power struggle between the two of you. (But that is NOT to say "Eat what she gives you." Accept that the both of you get to make your own choices.)

We love our mom's. I try to avoid power struggles because I know where the control freak inside of me comes from.

Hey, some times that inner control freak is handy when trying to lose weight.

This is my second round w MFP, I am less obsessed this time and still losing at the same rate.

kbresso

I don't think the people who love us are purposely trying to sabotage us, but my husband occasionally does. If he happens to be at the grocery store and sees something he knows I love to eat--but am trying to avoid--he'll buy it for me anyway.

I'm fortunate enough to have a hubby who loves me no matter what size I am so he thinks having me eat the foods I love (and have made me fat) is a good thing. When he does this I remind him that I'm trying to eat better and avoid the junk he's bringing me and that I can't do it without his support. I also tell him that bringing me the food HE thinks I want to eat doesn't make me happy...it makes me feel bad about myself. This usually gets him to stop buying me anything for a few months before I need to remind him again.

^^This. I know my hubby just wants to make me happy when he buys me a cannoli from the his favorite Italian deli but he knows I have little willpower when it comes to sweets. Though he is better about asking first before buying something, I think he would prefer if I were back to my old habits. I'd be a lot less annoying with all this calorie counting

islandnutshel

My family deep fries everything that can fit into the little countertop thingy we have.

My husband had one of those when I married him. It was the first thing that went missing.

Who doesn't have a fat tooth?

Christine1110

I would say....now you know better. You need to take control of ordering your food and serving yourself. Let her know that you have changed your life stye to be more healthy....it was very sweet of her to serve you, but you no longer drink your coffee....or food like that!! It's you life....your body....you have to take control!!

Good luck!

foot2wood

Yesterday I went to my in laws for a cook out, they like to drink, I was asked would you like a drink, I respond no I'm good I'll just have water if I get thirsty. 10 minutes later, I have a cranberry vodka tequila orange juice whatever sitting next to me, needless to say I didn't drink, I feel ungrateful but its just not what I want to waste my calories on.

Been there many times. You just have to stay focused on your goals and if you're not craving crappy stuff with no nutritional value, why consume it? It's your body and they should respect and understand your decisions.

GabrielleZelda

I know how you feel! I bet your mom just thinks she knows best and wants you to stay healthy (I hope this is the case, at least!)

It's happened to me before, usually when I go out with my girls. I avoid getting drinks because I'm watching my waist line, and then they will buy me drinks... I mean, they want me to have fun, but I don't need alcohol to do that, you know?

But then what can I do, just throw the drink away? I've done it a few times. Hehe.

taunto

Cold_Steel

doesn't sound like sabotage as much as simply not knowing.

What I get is a lot of that mom mentality from my mother in law --

Are you sure you have had enough food ? Get seconds... thirds... you need to eat or you are going to starve !

She raised two marines and was married to one so I think she is used to cooking large amounts of foods for guys.

She means very well and I love her but I always have to explain my lifestyle change and or just say no I am very full.

Sidesteal

One time I was eatin ribs with my buddy Lester and I bent down to pick up my napkin and Lester farted right on my ribs.

Cold_Steel

One time I was eatin ribs with my buddy Lester and I bent down to pick up my napkin and Lester farted right on my ribs.

That is not sabotage that is called "Negative Methane Reinforcement"

You want bad food ...

I fart on it.

I bet you you still ate them didn't you.

Pink_Tina

My husband, who has lost half a person already and is very food conscious now, will be like "Hey, you want a poptart? I'm craving a poptart, but I don't want to eat both," right after he just watched me eat my sandwich and fruit cup for lunch. And when I say no he won't eat it and then will try to make me feel bad for not eating half of the poptart by saying stuff like "Well, guess they'll just sit up there and gather dust then." Seriously, wtf? I ended up throwing them out.

Also, his work rotation is that he goes out to the field for three days and comes home for three, right (Air Force)? Every day he travels in he wants to go out to eat. Ok, I'm fine with that. I've gotten to where I can ignore the appetizer of chicken tenders he always orders and eat my salad or the low cal food item they have on the menu. What I hate is that when he goes to pay (we always go to Perkins), he always buys one of the pies (a whole one) from the display case and it just sits in the fridge! He'll only eat a piece of it and then be all "Wow, that's really filling. Better only have it once a week," but he doesn't eat the rest! Weeks later, I usually end up throwing it out because it just sits there, staring me in the face.

I mean, I understand he can have his treats because he is totally fit and a dedicated runner now, but have a little consideration for the poor chick still struggling, you know? And, yes, I told him my frustrations and he was all "Sorry, won't happen again." ...And yet it still does. All I can say is I got so much will power I could use it to build a new Great Wall. xD