How much family is too much family!
I am recently married and am curious about how much family activity is too much family activity. My husband comes from a very close family. They talk on the phone several times a day and he likes to visit them several times a week. When they call he will take the call no matter what is going on-like me trying to sleep. He wants to spend every holiday with them and they celebrate their birthdays together. Now here is the situation, I always thought I came from a close knit family until I met him. My family and I will always come together in an emergency, but we may go weeks without talking to one another. So I don't understand all this time. Let's not misunderstand, I don't try to keep him from them, but I explained to him before we were married, I am not going to be involved with his family to that degree. However, now he wants me to be included in this family bond, and it is not happening. We discuss this in great length before we were married, but now it seems that he has selective amnesia. I would just like some objective views on this issue. I really can't talk to my family about this because they, of course, would say I was right. I just need so other opinions.
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Replies
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Just tell them all that you hate them the next time you are all together, then they probably wont want you around anymore anyway. You're welcome.0
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I'm not THAT close to my family - when I go away abroad, alone, I tend to communiciate via email unless it's going to be a very long time away. I think some distance is healthy in dealing with family drama objectively, sensibly and efficiently.
I'm not saying family isn't important, but that you shouldn't feel suffocated by them in order to feel that importance.0 -
My cousin married a girl who was close to her family like that on March 17. He was served divorce papers on April 24th. Apparently bringing up the fact that it's not healthy to talk to the family that much is grounds for divorce. Your husband and his weird cult likeness will never change. Good luck.0
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Well, first of all you knew this before you married him . Accept it, because it won't change now. I think you can still come to a compromise that will make you bith happy. My husband's family has a very LNG standing tradition of celebrating Christmas eve; so even tough I had a tradition of going to midnight church service Christmas eve, I gave that up when we got together. Find a way to balance between you family events and his. Find the balance of how much and what events you can live with going to with his family and let him do the others without you. I also suggest that you form a group of friends that you do stuff with and balance that in as well. Successful marriages are all about compromising.0
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I am in a similar situation, but learning to adapt a little. I didn't come from a close-knit family. I had a troubled childhood and quickly learnt to be very independent. There was no closeness, no bond, I got up and I got on with life and had to fend for, and defend, myself.
My fiance comes from a very close family. His mum is a single mum of him and his sister (a similar age), and from a large family. They all live within a few miles of each other, all visit each other daily and spend all their time together. I met my fiance at university, and he otherwise would have gone back there.
Now, he calls regularly, and they call him. They have all these regular family events, she's regularly sending him money and he's always calling her for advice. I found it very hard to cope with at first, but his family are lovely and his mum I now get on with great. I just find it hard to deal with that family thing. I'm just trying to be more relaxed about it, and as time goes on he's becoming a little less mummy's boy. My concern comes with when we have our own family in future - I expect her being quite involved and I don't want other people involved in my child's upbringing like that. I state this regularly and aim to make him very aware of it, so it's all out in the open. He's mentioned moving back to the area a number of times, and I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all. I have no advice, but I know how you feel. I guess it's just important to set boundaries.0 -
Whatever happened to the spouse coming first? . . . "forsaking ALL others". You leave your mother and father and cleave to you spouse. If you discussed it before marriage and he understood you, it sounds like he is going back on his word. Tell him to stand up, be a man, grow a pair and get off the tit!0
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Just tell them all that you hate them the next time you are all together, then they probably wont want you around anymore anyway. You're welcome.
^^^^ LOLOLOL! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Great advice. thank you all. Yes I knew this before we married, but after discussing the issue more than once. I thought we had an understanding. And Boomer you are right, I thought the vows "forsaking all other" meant that.0
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My advice is meant slightly tongue in cheek, and will sound very flippant... ( but I'll explain )
As my husband told me : Suck it up, buttercup.
My husband talks to his mom at least twice a day. And his dad twice a day. ( 4 phone calls ) This includes answering the phone even if we're in sack. EVERY holiday, EVERY birthday is a family affair. We see them EVERY Sunday for an extended dinner ( hours upon hours... and they all speak in another language that I don't speak ). Twice a week, my husband goes over there to let in the day nurse to take care of his grandmother. At least 1 other day a week, he takes his mom out, or meets his dad somewhere, etc. etc.
Talk about suffocating. I cannot handle the 9 million phone calls. Sometimes I feel like his family is so overwhelming, I want to run away..............
Right up until our daughter had open heart surgery. They dropped EVERYTHING and took care of my son for five weeks while I stayed with her in the hospital. They visited every night and brought me a home cooked dinner. They canceled a vacation and took a $10,000 loss to be there for us when my daughter had brain surgery.
They babysit overnight EVERY Friday night... for all 3 kids.. I can count on them to step up and help whenever and however necessary.
The constant phone calls and visits etc are still totally overwhelming... but I suck it up so that we can have the help we love so much. No one I know has child care the way we have childcare. They put the down payment on our house. They bought us a car because we didn't have the credit to do it ourselves. It's worth it. You never know when that family is going to come in really handy.0 -
What about your own family? Do you only spend holidays with his? That isn't fair to you or your family if you're always with his. But if his family is awesome, go hang out with them! You can never make too many friends. Maybe its time for a change and to open up and spend more time with them. Just my opinion and it comes from a place, where we live in CA anf both our families live on the east coast. I'd love to spend more time with them.0
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My advice is meant slightly tongue in cheek, and will sound very flippant... ( but I'll explain )
As my husband told me : Suck it up, buttercup.
My husband talks to his mom at least twice a day. And his dad twice a day. ( 4 phone calls ) This includes answering the phone even if we're in sack. EVERY holiday, EVERY birthday is a family affair. We see them EVERY Sunday for an extended dinner ( hours upon hours... and they all speak in another language that I don't speak ). Twice a week, my husband goes over there to let in the day nurse to take care of his grandmother. At least 1 other day a week, he takes his mom out, or meets his dad somewhere, etc. etc.
Talk about suffocating. I cannot handle the 9 million phone calls. Sometimes I feel like his family is so overwhelming, I want to run away..............
Right up until our daughter had open heart surgery. They dropped EVERYTHING and took care of my son for five weeks while I stayed with her in the hospital. They visited every night and brought me a home cooked dinner. They canceled a vacation and took a $10,000 loss to be there for us when my daughter had brain surgery.
They babysit overnight EVERY Friday night... for all 3 kids.. I can count on them to step up and help whenever and however necessary.
The constant phone calls and visits etc are still totally overwhelming... but I suck it up so that we can have the help we love so much. No one I know has child care the way we have childcare. They put the down payment on our house. They bought us a car because we didn't have the credit to do it ourselves. It's worth it. You never know when that family is going to come in really handy.
That's crazy cool! You have experienced both extremes. Brings a nice perspective. I spend a TON of time with my family but not nearly as much as that. My husband is happy with it though. We see his parents EVERY Sunday for church. And our weekends are usually filled up with some family stuff... Graduations, birthdays, holidays, random dinners, or just helping each other out with something. The time spent is well worth it. Family is there for you when the times are good and when the times are rough. Without them you really have nothing!0 -
I wouldn't call not speaking for weeks a 'close knit family', but then again I'm not a 'full adult'.
I talk to my parents, especially my mum, almost every day while I'm at uni.0 -
To me that seems very close, although I do understand spending holidays/birthdays together. However, now that you're married you have to compromise so you can see both your families on special occasions. if he wants to talk to them that frequently, fine but I would ask him if he's going to talk to them while you're sleeping, could he please go into another room (or ask that they don't call after a certain hour).0
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OH, hell. That's suffocating.
I deleted every one of my dysfunctional, psycho in-laws from my FB page - then blocked them. Now I never have to speak to them
I buy the kids presents, and visit with DH's 85 year old grandmother, but never go near the rest of the clan! 0 -
My best friends husband was like that. Would talk to his parents EVERY DAY when they got married. Give it some time, it may slow down. It certainly slowed down when they had their first child because he realized that there were slightly more important than talking on the phone. You can do this, it will just take a little getting used to (& this has been the norm for him for a long time, so it's like weening him off a drug). Good luck.0
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You need to just become what will be known to his family, as "that crazy *****."
Also smelling like rum and bourbon help too.0 -
My dad's side of the family is like that. There are a TON of them and they get together ALL THE TIME. Like 30-40 people just coming over to hang out or have dinner or something. I grew up around my mom's family though, totaling three people. So it's actually kind of fascinating to go visit my dad's family (which I do about once a year) because it's so foreign to me.
What's kind of cool is how my boyfriend experiences it. He has no family (all either dead or estranged for good reason) and came with me last summer to meet my dad's side of the family. He'd never seen so many family members being happy and loving before and just had this incredibly positive experience.
I guess in your case it sounds a little over the top (he could at least leave the room and call them back in a few minutes if you're trying to sleep and you shouldn't be required to attend a birthday of every single remotely-related person) but really, it doesn't sound too bad. For a lot of people, holidays are really family events almost by definition; I'm not a big family person, but I still find my Christmases and Thanksgivings alone with my boyfriend only tend to feel kind of sad. I'd say that you shouldn't feel obligated to accompany your husband each and every time he visits, but it'd be a little presumptuous of you to tell him he has to stop it himself. You knew what he was like when you married him (unless it was the first date or something) so you knew what you were getting into.0 -
My advice isn't going to be popular at all judging by the way the previous posts are going.
I am of the mind that you married this man knowing how close he was to his family. It doesn't really matter that you warned him you expected him to change once married - you still married him knowing how important his family relationships are to him. Because you knew before and still married him, I don't think you should expect him to cut them off.
Certain compromises I can agree with such as not talking on the phone in the room you are trying to sleep in - that is just plain rude and disrespectful. Otherwise, just deal with it. You don't have to go to all the family functions and you don't have to be their new best friend.0 -
Honestly, I don't think it should be expected that you will fully embrace his family the same way he does. I can't imagine seeing family every single day or being mandated every holiday. Maybe you can compromise? Per0
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For me, I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I don't know, maybe I would've gotten used to it if I was in that situation, but I'm not and I couldn't imagine liking it.
That said, I wouldn't have got to the marriage stage in the first place if it was that bad, it would've drove me mad enough just dating the guy. I'm all for close families but that sounds a little much.
Sorry I'm not all that much help. If I was in your situation I'd say you need a proper sit down with him. Agree that if he calls / takes calls with his family and you are sleeping, he goes into another room. That's just called being considerate, right? If he wants to see his family all the time, great, don't stop him, but make it clear you may not want to all the time. Try and compromise, everytime you both have a lot of time with his family, arrange something for just the two of you, phones off, away from the rest of the world. Take it in turns for whose family you see in the holidays etc. I hope you manage to work it out 0 -
My advice isn't going to be popular at all judging by the way the previous posts are going.
I am of the mind that you married this man knowing how close he was to his family. It doesn't really matter that you warned him you expected him to change once married - you still married him knowing how important his family relationships are to him. Because you knew before and still married him, I don't think you should expect him to cut them off.
Certain compromises I can agree with such as not talking on the phone in the room you are trying to sleep in - that is just plain rude and disrespectful. Otherwise, just deal with it. You don't have to go to all the family functions and you don't have to be their new best friend.
I agree with this. You should be glad his family is so important to him. The older I get, the more I understand how important family really is. I don't get along with everyone in my family and, frankly, some of them I don't even like very much but they're my family. I don't know what I'd do without them.
My husband comes from a family that is not very close. They call on birthdays. We get together with them every so often so the kids can see their grandparents but they aren't what you'd consider close-knit and I think its really unfortunate and so does my husband.0 -
I am recently married and am curious about how much family activity is too much family activity. My husband comes from a very close family. They talk on the phone several times a day and he likes to visit them several times a week. When they call he will take the call no matter what is going on-like me trying to sleep. He wants to spend every holiday with them and they celebrate their birthdays together.
A little weird.
You should split holidays - Christmas with your family, Easter with his, etc. Or Christmas Eve with his and Day with yours. It can't be all tipped to one side, and a couple shouldn't split up to celebrate holidays once they're married. And it is a little rude for him to answer the phone when you're sleeping. You could ask him to take it to the other room, or institute a "no cell phones after 9 pm" so you can have couple time.
ETA - There is nothing wrong with being close to your family. But no one needs to talk to their family multiple times a day. One call a day will suffice. One to two visits will suffice over the course of a week.0 -
My exboyfriends family was totally up each others *kitten* like that. I dont know how he could stand it. I dont blame you, you need boundaries and space. And your husband needs to respect that.0
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My advice isn't going to be popular at all judging by the way the previous posts are going.
I am of the mind that you married this man knowing how close he was to his family. It doesn't really matter that you warned him you expected him to change once married - you still married him knowing how important his family relationships are to him. Because you knew before and still married him, I don't think you should expect him to cut them off.
Certain compromises I can agree with such as not talking on the phone in the room you are trying to sleep in - that is just plain rude and disrespectful. Otherwise, just deal with it. You don't have to go to all the family functions and you don't have to be their new best friend.
Thanks for the advice. But what I said initially was that I didn't expect him to give up his family nor cut down on the visits. I don't believe in changing people. My issue is that after telling him I wasn't going to be involved with his family to the degree his is, he seems to have forgotten that and now want me to accompany him. I don't mind going to visit his family occasionally, but after working all week, I don't want to visit his family every weekend. I also think if rude to talk on the phone at 11:00 12:00 at night when someone is sleeping next to you.0 -
I agree with you girl. Tell him to get his furry butt out of bed and go to another room to talk. Anyone calling late at night, unless it's an emergency, is rude and disrespectful. I had an ex whose teenage children had friends calling at 1 and 2 o'clock in the morning and I had to get up at 4:30. Some people have to be made to understand boundries. When you're grown, having to talk to momma and daddy twice a day is an unhealthy relationship. As far as all the family get togethers, let him go without you some of the time. He might get tired of that.
I think some of those answering you overlooked the part about the two of you having an understanding BEFORE marriage and how he now chooses to forget that. If he doesn't put your wants and needs first now it will only get worse. You hear people talking about now that your married you have make sacrifices and do some compromising. How about hubby? Shouldn't he meet you half way?0 -
I think it's a matter of personal preference and you're entitled to feel the way that you do. Also, I feel like your feelings should be given more consideration because as his wife you are his main family now. Of course his other family is important, but sometimes you just need some space. Makes me think of the show Everybody Loves Raymond! lol0
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I'm jealous I always loved the family time but as time goes on people pass on..enjoy it now it won't last forever0
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My advice is meant slightly tongue in cheek, and will sound very flippant... ( but I'll explain )
As my husband told me : Suck it up, buttercup.
My husband talks to his mom at least twice a day. And his dad twice a day. ( 4 phone calls ) This includes answering the phone even if we're in sack. EVERY holiday, EVERY birthday is a family affair. We see them EVERY Sunday for an extended dinner ( hours upon hours... and they all speak in another language that I don't speak ). Twice a week, my husband goes over there to let in the day nurse to take care of his grandmother. At least 1 other day a week, he takes his mom out, or meets his dad somewhere, etc. etc.
Talk about suffocating. I cannot handle the 9 million phone calls. Sometimes I feel like his family is so overwhelming, I want to run away..............
Right up until our daughter had open heart surgery. They dropped EVERYTHING and took care of my son for five weeks while I stayed with her in the hospital. They visited every night and brought me a home cooked dinner. They canceled a vacation and took a $10,000 loss to be there for us when my daughter had brain surgery.
They babysit overnight EVERY Friday night... for all 3 kids.. I can count on them to step up and help whenever and however necessary.
The constant phone calls and visits etc are still totally overwhelming... but I suck it up so that we can have the help we love so much. No one I know has child care the way we have childcare. They put the down payment on our house. They bought us a car because we didn't have the credit to do it ourselves. It's worth it. You never know when that family is going to come in really handy.
This sounds like a great deal. Worth the compromise0 -
I wish I had advice, but all I can do is feel for you. That would drive my crazy.0
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I have a close knit family like that, but my husband does not. We have been together 20 years and have learned to compromise about it. He does not go to all of the family functions but does not discourage me from going either. He, however has some sick sense of family loyalty of supporting (financially his other family members), but when I put it in perspective that he has that same loyalty to me and our kids, it is a positive thing. I think it is all a matter of perspective, compromise and loving someone as they are without trying to change them. Of course it can't hurt setting some general rules like if we are in bed and you want to answer the phone please quietly leave the room and have the conversation where I am not having to be awakened for the whole conversation., or something to that effect.0
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