How much family is too much family!

Gettinbk2me

What about a compromise?

MaryB2

My family is just like your husbands family. I have a huge family and there is always something going on. I talk to my mom and others in my family every day and answer their calls whenever they call. My husband comes from a small family and does not talk to or see them often. I'm lucky in the fact that he enjoys spending time with everyone and often is the first to think of inviting everyone over. It took him awhile to get used to the fact that when he said "Do you want to invite a few people over?" That often means between 20 to 30 people. I asked him out of curiosity when I read your post if it ever bothers him and his response was "your family is the way things should be" It means the world to me how he feels about everyone and how willing he always is to help them. I bet your new husband would appreciate it more than you can even imagine. You may even learn to enjoy the closeness.

zaithyr

Yeah, I would go bonkers with that too lol! Especially when you are newly married, when it's the time you should be spending the most time with your spouse. I'm all for family connections but I know right after we were married we went into hermit mode for a bit and focused on each other. Be open and honest as you can be with your husband and explain that you feel overwhelmed by it. Marriage is give and take- and your spouse definitely comes before extended family

MikeM53082

If my family is within 1000 miles of where I live.. then it's too close.

notsothinlizzie

I've been married 27 years on Wednesday... Want to know my secret? COMPROMISE. And never jump him with a fight when either one first walks in the door.
Make a date... turn off the phones... take his hands.. look deep into his eyes... "let's talk Baby!",,,

One of the best pieces of advice I got from my Daddy was:

"You are a married woman now. We love you and always will. We refuse to take sides and will not help in solving a fight. You took vows to love and honor. Those vows are forever. Instead of whining to us, go talk to your husband and fix whatever the problem is. He is a great, honorable man. That is why you married him. GO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND."

It hasn't always been pretty, but here we are 27 years later... Still talking... did we work everything out? Heck no... We are still talking.

Good luck sweetie!!!

ksstei

I've been married 27 years on Wednesday... Want to know my secret? COMPROMISE. And never jump him with a fight when either one first walks in the door.
Make a date... turn off the phones... take his hands.. look deep into his eyes... "let's talk Baby!",,,

One of the best pieces of advice I got from my Daddy was:

"You are a married woman now. We love you and always will. We refuse to take sides and will not help in solving a fight. You took vows to love and honor. Those vows are forever. Instead of whining to us, go talk to your husband and fix whatever the problem is. He is a great, honorable man. That is why you married him. GO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND."

It hasn't always been pretty, but here we are 27 years later... Still talking... did we work everything out? Heck no... We are still talking.

Good luck sweetie!!!

ksstei

I have to agree with this response: in my first marriage, family was all over the place, demanding choices and taking sides. This marriage is a contract between the two of you, not anyone else. Love him, respect him, and he will do the same for you. This comes from someone who's been married the better part of 40 years - some good, some not-so-good. But the good just keeps getting better as we learn even at this late date to communicate more efficiently..

veronicacannon

Well, first of all you knew this before you married him . Accept it, because it won't change now. I think you can still come to a compromise that will make you bith happy. My husband's family has a very LNG standing tradition of celebrating Christmas eve; so even tough I had a tradition of going to midnight church service Christmas eve, I gave that up when we got together. Find a way to balance between you family events and his. Find the balance of how much and what events you can live with going to with his family and let him do the others without you. I also suggest that you form a group of friends that you do stuff with and balance that in as well. Successful marriages are all about compromising.

I absolutely agree with this. My boyfriend's family isn't as close as mine. We are definitely close. Visiting each several times a week and family dinner EVERY Sunday and I enjoy every minute of it. He doesn't understand it but knows its not going to change!

ninerbuff

Luckily my DW and I are both very close to our families. We spend the major holidays with both families splitting time between both and our family is large. Honestly I'd rather spend time with my cousins than friends since we can all be really goofy with no real judgment going on.
But if you're not into to lots of family, then don't go. I have cousin's that are married to people who aren't as family oriented and if they don't come we understand. It's not like our family revolves around them anyway.

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Pebble321

My advice isn't going to be popular at all judging by the way the previous posts are going.

I am of the mind that you married this man knowing how close he was to his family. It doesn't really matter that you warned him you expected him to change once married - you still married him knowing how important his family relationships are to him. Because you knew before and still married him, I don't think you should expect him to cut them off.

Certain compromises I can agree with such as not talking on the phone in the room you are trying to sleep in - that is just plain rude and disrespectful. Otherwise, just deal with it. You don't have to go to all the family functions and you don't have to be their new best friend.

I agree with this.
You took on his family as well as him when you married him.
It sounds as though there are a few specific issues you need to work out between you (ie. if their calls are waking you up, you need to discuss how he can take their calls without waking you) and whether you spend EVERY weekend/holiday/birthday with them. Maybe you need to sit down and make a list of the things that bug you (specific things) and ask him to talk about it rationally. If he has always been that way he's probably not going to change but the two of you need to find a way of making your own family that has room for his close connection to his parents etc but still allows you two to have a healthy relationship. The only way to do that is to talk about it.

rextcat

:bigsmile: when your in the lows parking lot with a tuck bed full with shovels, qwick lie, concreat, tarps, and towing a chipper shreader....you may have reached the "to much family time" time:bigsmile:

kaymarie78

I come from a family who isn't close at all, and my boyfriend's family is super close. I was really overwhelmed at first and wasn't really sure how to act around them. I didn't want to look snooty, but I didn't really know how to function within a family unit without being totally awkward. I just started doing little things with them, and over time I got more comfortable. I still don't interact with them as much as does, but I think that's okay. Do as much as you feel comfortable with...and you may even find yourself wanting more of a relationship with them. But if you compromise then I think he should too. Obviously you aren't trying to keep him from them, but I don't think cutting out the phone calls while you are trying to sleep, on a date, or stuff like that is too much to ask.

TrailRunner61

I'm not close to my side of the family and it upsets me. I'd love to have my sisters as best friends and be close to my brother and do things with them. It'll never happen.

However,,, my husband comes from a LARGE family. We have lost count of how many nieces and nephews (greats included), but we know there are over 80 now! I LOVE, love, love that we get together with them often. I even hosted Christmas at our home the year before and we had over 100 guests. It was crowded and a little crazy but we all had fun and made memories.

I'd also like to add that my husband talks to his family everyday. Not every single one of them because that's impossible but they talk to each other enough to know what's going on in their families. I haven't talked to one of my sisters since our father's funeral 2 years ago and if she wouldn't have been there, I wouldn't have seen her then.

I agree that yours talks to his family too much but maybe you can find a way to compromise with him and let him know it's a bit overwhelming for you, considering your experience with your own family. I know that when I met my husband 35 years ago, I felt like Sunday dinner at his house was like Christmas at mine and it was a weekly event! It took a while to get used to but now I love it, love his sisters and brothers better than my own and wouldn't change a thing. Get to know some of his family, learn the language,, find something in common with them so you can enjoy time with them.

Good luck and I hope you can find a happy medium with your hubby!

AndiJoy812

I come from a very close family - my husband does not. I don't see it talk to my Mom or sister daily - but several times a week. We also have big family get-togethers with all of the Aunts, Uncles and cousins and it is a loud, joyful time and I enjoy every minute of it. They are some of my favorite people on this planet. We have been married for 8 years, and my husband is still overwhelmed at times - but he also knows my family would drop everything to support us if we needed them. His family could care less.

Here are my thoughts on it: boundaries can be a good thing, especially when it comes to phone calls late at night. I agree with you there. But here is where I differ...instead of thinking that his family is too close and weird for wanting to spend time together, why not be thankful for them? After all, they are the people that shaped him into the man that he is, and aren't you in love with him? Why not respect him for his sense of loyalty to those that he loves - because isn't that what you also want from him? You can't fall in love with someone that has those types of qualities and then be aggravated when they are demonstrating those same qualities to others. Seems like a double standard. I also don't think that it is fair of you to ask him to change who he is. You also knew this going into it - if it was a concern before you were married, why did you think the ring was going to change his behavior? I'm not saying that to be snippy - but this is who he has been for years. You're not going to be able to change that overnight.

Talk to him. Set boundaries if you need to for your comfort, and make sure you are really communicating your concerns from an "I" voice - as in, "Honey, I know you love talking to your Mom late at night, but I really need to sleep. Could you please talk in the living room instead of the bedroom?" I bet, just from reading just this little bit about him, he would gladly move to the other room.
Best of luck to you. I know that it took my husband quite a while to get used to my family. And I love it when he joins us, but I am not offended when he doesn't want to go either. This will work out - just make sure you are communicating with him.

nicholettebell

Just tell them all that you hate them the next time you are all together, then they probably wont want you around anymore anyway. You're welcome.

:laugh: :drinker:

AbbeyRysMom

I can TOTALLY see where you are coming from!! I love my husband's family, but sometimes, it can be overwhelming. Sometimes you want to start your OWN family traditions, instead of being a part of already existing traditions. Try to remind him that YOU are his family, he should respect your wishes not to attend EVERYTHING.

I don't know what your plan is with children, but just know that it does NOT get better. You will only be expected to attend more family functions since you have children with someone in their family. I hope its better for you than it is for me. I will always be "the kids' mother" regardless of the 13 years I have spent trying to get them to like me. Such is life.

wstokes28

Thank you all for you advice. However it was apparent that many of you didn't read all that I said. My issue is not with my husband spending time with his family. Indeed, what I said was that I have no problem with that because that is what he was doing when we met. My issues is that after telling him I'm not down for that kind of time with his family, he now wants me to be involved in a greater degree than I am comfortable with. That is not going to happen. I am quite content with my life. I love his family, but I've learned that its all about them. Since we have been married, I've graduated from college, a 20 year mission, my daughter has graduated college and not only did they not attend either, they didn't even give us a cards.I personally can't see them there in the event something happened and we needed support. Actually, I think my family would be there with open arms and a helpful hand. Yet, his family wants a card and dinner for every birthday and us to spend all holidays with them. I don't think so. I have a family that I adore and although they are in a different state, I shouldn't be forced to be at his familys house simply because mine is in a different state. I enjoy my own house on the holidays, I don't need to go visit someone else, especially after I told him this before we were married.