Compliments and (Double) Standards

sktllmdrhmz

*rant warning*

So many have said something along the lines of "If he/she wouldn't have me at my heaviest, then I don't want anything to do with him/her when I'm thin!"

What gives? How does this work? The guy/girl doesn't get standards?

That's the way it works, people. If you thought fat was hot then you wouldn't be trying to lose weight.

Don't go crucifying someone else for thinking the same thing we all say to ourselves every time we check the mirror:

"You'd be hot/hotter if..."

EmCarroll1990

This is exactly my thoughts sometimes. People are so odd.

Jacwhite22

I concur.

still_crafty

sounds like common sense to me

infamousmk

Agreed. There is no reason to pretend that we're all okay with the way we look if we're overweight.




Lady Homebrewer - 3yrs
MFP Smarty-pants and sometimes food logger
Also, boobs.

Oliviamarie05

I had a friend who would constantly slam 'chubbie girls' and wouldn't touch one even if they had a 'nice face'.
When I started to lose weight, he suddenly became interested.

I know he's an ugly person with an ugly personality that only realized I was a woman because I was starting to get in to shape. When I say, if he didn't like me at my highest, he won't get me at my lowest weight, it's usually because I know the personality of the person behind it.

However, I agree with your logic. Everyone has standards and what they find attractive. Thankfully I have a man who loves me at my highest, my now, and will love me at my fittest :smooched:

MelissR75

Agreed!

SofaKingRad

I hate when women won't date me for my buggy eyes and scabbed skin. It hurts. If they won't date me now, they won't date me when I'm off meth because I'm too good for them!

BrettPGH

I'm willing to argue the "con" side of this one, for funsies.

There is more to me than my weight. My physical appearance is one small aspect of who I am. If that is all you see when you look at me I have no interest in you.

So if someone's main concern with dating me was the way I looked, I'm not really interested. I have much more to offer than looks.



And this is how a guy who spent most of his life overweight never had a problem meeting women.

jr1985

I'm not arguing that everyone isn't entitled to their own opinions on what they think is attractive and what isn't.

But I totally agree with the "if they wouldn't take me when I was heavy so they don't deserve me when I'm thin' mentality personally... Well I guess it all comes down to what you think the most important part of a relationship is... If looks are the most important part of a relationship to you, then I honestly can't see this person having too many meaningful relationships for too long anyways... let's face it... the older we get the worse we look, even if we exercise and eat right.

So what... you are going to leave the person you love because they get a few wrinkles or gain 20 lbs over the years? Sounds like a sad lonely life in the long run to me.

EmCarroll1990

I'm willing to argue the "con" side of this one, for funsies.

There is more to me than my weight. My physical appearance is one small aspect of who I am. If that is all you see when you look at me I have no interest in you.

So if someone's main concern with dating me was the way I looked, I'm not really interested. I have much more to offer than looks.



And this is how a guy who spent most of his life overweight never had a problem meeting women.

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

macpatti

"You'd be hot/hotter if..."

It's shallow to think hot/hotter has to do with weight only. I may think that someone who is drop-dead gorgeous and totally fit would be "hotter" if he wasn't so arrogant.

Diary_Queen

Sometimes people are bitter from having the truth shoved in their faces. It's easy for people who aren't leading the most healthy lifestyle to pretend that nothing is wrong. Having someone that you're interested in come out and say "Look, if you weren't such a large person then I'd be more interested" hurts. I've had people tell me that to my face and tell me they wouldn't go out with me unless I was a certain weight. Granted, I didn't want to go out with them after they were so harsh about it... but it did give me the motivation to want to be a better version of myself. Sure, I'd like someone to love my body any way that it is at that particular time. No, I'm not delusional enough to think I'm going to run out into the street and have men clamoring over me when I'm not acting healthy. I do think there is a measure of tact and respect that has to come from both sides on this point though.

When I was told that I was too heavy to be attractive to the person that I was attracted to, could I have handled it better? Heck yeah!!! I was overly senstitive about it because I knew the truth and chose to deny it. Another person holding up the proverbial mirror for you can be overwhelming.

My friends tend to think I dumped an ex of mine because he wasn't attractive enough (he was 'too short' in their mindset) and they won't believe me when I disagree with their assumption. I dumped him because he was lazy, not because he was 2" shorter than me.

macpatti

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

But, it's how you treat people you're not attracted to. If you treat someone who is overweight as if they don't exist, or that you're disgusted by them and they suddenly lose tons of weight and become "hot" in your eyes, I don't blame them for saying "you don't deserve me".

zCarsAndCaloriesz

I personally am never interested in anyone 'till I know what we have in common and what not. I find it attractive that a guy loves the same bands, video games and movies that I do. If he's hot to boot, then I'm lucky.
So I guess I tend to have this mentality, but that is because for me personally, appearance is a close second or third in what I look for in a partner.

BrettPGH

I'm willing to argue the "con" side of this one, for funsies.

There is more to me than my weight. My physical appearance is one small aspect of who I am. If that is all you see when you look at me I have no interest in you.

So if someone's main concern with dating me was the way I looked, I'm not really interested. I have much more to offer than looks.



And this is how a guy who spent most of his life overweight never had a problem meeting women.

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

I understand. And that's part of it. If it's a person who is dead set opposed to ever dating anyone heavy, I probably shouldn't be with that person, even at my new weight. This mid-life crisis of mine may not last, and also I just couldn't be with a person who was that into looks. So when they pass me by they do me a favor.

Also it's a lot of fun finding a girl who isn't attracted to you and...changing her mind. Lay on a little charm, a little romance, curl her toes a bit and just as she's floored and surprised and thinking she's falling for you, "Sooo I have to get up early tomorrow. You can get home ok right?"

EmCarroll1990

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

But, it's how you treat people you're not attracted to. If you treat someone who is overweight as if they don't exist, or that you're disgusted by them and they suddenly lose tons of weight and become "hot" in your eyes, I don't blame them for saying "you don't deserve me".

Okay, let's use an example that I've seen here with the above mentioned mentality: You start going to a gym, constantly run into the regulars. After some time, you've lost a lot of weight and suddenly one of the regulars begins to show interest. Now, because s/he wasn't attracted to the fat you (you as in the general "you.") you're not going to talk with them?

fbmandy55

I'm willing to argue the "con" side of this one, for funsies.

There is more to me than my weight. My physical appearance is one small aspect of who I am. If that is all you see when you look at me I have no interest in you.

So if someone's main concern with dating me was the way I looked, I'm not really interested. I have much more to offer than looks.



And this is how a guy who spent most of his life overweight never had a problem meeting women.

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

YOU may be attracted to what you see initially. I don't think it's fair to say that about all people. I have been attracted to people after a period of time and getting to know them, though at first appearance I was not. Sometimes we see people differently after discoving who they are inside.

grimm1974

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

But, it's how you treat people you're not attracted to. If you treat someone who is overweight as if they don't exist, or that you're disgusted by them and they suddenly lose tons of weight and become "hot" in your eyes, I don't blame them for saying "you don't deserve me".

That is way I see it. It is understandable to not be attracted to someone for whatever reason. However it is different if they don't show you any respect.

BrettPGH

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

But, it's how you treat people you're not attracted to. If you treat someone who is overweight as if they don't exist, or that you're disgusted by them and they suddenly lose tons of weight and become "hot" in your eyes, I don't blame them for saying "you don't deserve me".

Okay, let's use an example that I've seen here with the above mentioned mentality: You start going to a gym, constantly run into the regulars. After some time, you've lost a lot of weight and suddenly one of the regulars begins to show interest. Now, because s/he wasn't attracted to the fat you (you as in the general "you.") you're not going to talk with them?

Oh I'll talk with them. And more. But they're not getting anything else from me. If all they care about is physical, all they'll get is physical. The brains, romance, love, humor, etc. will all be saved for someone more deserving.

macpatti

Okay, let's use an example that I've seen here with the above mentioned mentality: You start going to a gym, constantly run into the regulars. After some time, you've lost a lot of weight and suddenly one of the regulars begins to show interest. Now, because s/he wasn't attracted to the fat you (you as in the general "you.") you're not going to talk with them?

Like I said, it depends how I (general I) was treated when heavier. If I was never worth speaking to before I lost the weight, and we're both regulars, but then I lose weight and suddenly I'm worth some attention, my feeling is you're shallow and don't deserve MY attention now.

Il_DaniD_lI

This reminds me of this overweight, annoying guy I went to high school with who is now jacked and sexy. Oh and the skinny nerdy guy who is now in the NHL.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda.

EmCarroll1990

I'm willing to argue the "con" side of this one, for funsies.

There is more to me than my weight. My physical appearance is one small aspect of who I am. If that is all you see when you look at me I have no interest in you.

So if someone's main concern with dating me was the way I looked, I'm not really interested. I have much more to offer than looks.



And this is how a guy who spent most of his life overweight never had a problem meeting women.

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

YOU may be attracted to what you see initially. I don't think it's fair to say that about all people. I have been attracted to people after a period of time and getting to know them, though at first appearance I was not. Sometimes we see people differently after discoving who they are inside.

This is true as well, but rare. Humans are visual. You can't tell me that you're going to go and walk up to someone who doesn't fit you're "type" and start up a connection with them. The thing you describe was more of an accident, you didn't start talking with them hoping they'd have a great personality.

tmauck4472

hell I don't want or like me when I'm fat, but I am stuck with me. But the truth is if you won't look at me when I'm fat then you can't have me when I'm thin, reason being is......I'll ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS be fat even in a skinny body. I'll always have the fat cells that can, will and do come back no matter how hard I work. And if I got fat again and you walked out on me after you claimed to love me, I'd seriously have to do you some bodily harm.

galegetsthin

Yes, I get that personality can make a person more or less attractive. However, if you are not physically attracted to a person, you are more than likely not going to see the personality in the light that would be translated to relationships. Everyone has different ideas of "good looking". There are some people who just don't like chubby people. There are some people that don't like redheads. There are some people that don't like brown eyes. It is all a personal opinion. I find it as a complement if someone who did not think I was hot before thinks I am now. It means that there are REAL changes in my body, which is what I am going for.

mtaylor33557

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

But, it's how you treat people you're not attracted to. If you treat someone who is overweight as if they don't exist, or that you're disgusted by them and they suddenly lose tons of weight and become "hot" in your eyes, I don't blame them for saying "you don't deserve me".

Okay, let's use an example that I've seen here with the above mentioned mentality: You start going to a gym, constantly run into the regulars. After some time, you've lost a lot of weight and suddenly one of the regulars begins to show interest. Now, because s/he wasn't attracted to the fat you (you as in the general "you.") you're not going to talk with them?

Oh I'll talk with them. And more. But they're not getting anything else from me. If all they care about is physical, all they'll get is physical. The brains, romance, love, humor, etc. will all be saved for someone more deserving.

How do we know that it's about how you look now. If you are losing weight and feeling better, you are probably going to be more confident. That's attractive, and it could make you more outgoing, thus making you more appealing. Or, they could have liked you the whole time, but never got the nerve up to ask.

bagge72

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

But, it's how you treat people you're not attracted to. If you treat someone who is overweight as if they don't exist, or that you're disgusted by them and they suddenly lose tons of weight and become "hot" in your eyes, I don't blame them for saying "you don't deserve me".

Okay, let's use an example that I've seen here with the above mentioned mentality: You start going to a gym, constantly run into the regulars. After some time, you've lost a lot of weight and suddenly one of the regulars begins to show interest. Now, because s/he wasn't attracted to the fat you (you as in the general "you.") you're not going to talk with them?

Exactly, you see this all of the time. Somebody overweight likes somebody who doesn't give them the time of day, because they are overweight, but as soon as they lose the weight they go after that same person. I've even seen girls hook up with guys who were downright mean to them when they were fat, because they think they are getting back at the guy for some reason by hooking up with him... good one, you really showed him!

bagge72

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

But, it's how you treat people you're not attracted to. If you treat someone who is overweight as if they don't exist, or that you're disgusted by them and they suddenly lose tons of weight and become "hot" in your eyes, I don't blame them for saying "you don't deserve me".

Okay, let's use an example that I've seen here with the above mentioned mentality: You start going to a gym, constantly run into the regulars. After some time, you've lost a lot of weight and suddenly one of the regulars begins to show interest. Now, because s/he wasn't attracted to the fat you (you as in the general "you.") you're not going to talk with them?

Oh I'll talk with them. And more. But they're not getting anything else from me. If all they care about is physical, all they'll get is physical. The brains, romance, love, humor, etc. will all be saved for someone more deserving.

That's like they are having their cake and eating it too. They wont hook up with you because you are overweight, so you lose weight, and they get to bang you, and then never have to worry about you being overweight, and unattractive to them ever again. You really got them!

maab_connor

i can see both sides of this.

on the one hand: all you see at FIRST is the outside. so getting hit on is only going to happen when someone hits the right buttons for your "type" whatever that may be.

OTOH: if i KNOW someone, if they've been in my life while i'm heavy and know the me behind the weight, and they suddenly think i'm worth persuing ONLY when i've lost weight... that's not someone i want to be with.

so for initial reactory attraction, absolutely. but for the long-term, in this forever deal, no.

fbmandy55

I'm willing to argue the "con" side of this one, for funsies.

There is more to me than my weight. My physical appearance is one small aspect of who I am. If that is all you see when you look at me I have no interest in you.

So if someone's main concern with dating me was the way I looked, I'm not really interested. I have much more to offer than looks.



And this is how a guy who spent most of his life overweight never had a problem meeting women.

Right, but people are attracted to what they see, initially. So if they see something they're not attracted to, they'll keep on walking. As opposed to now, they'd look and stop and talk - if you're what they're attracted to.

YOU may be attracted to what you see initially. I don't think it's fair to say that about all people. I have been attracted to people after a period of time and getting to know them, though at first appearance I was not. Sometimes we see people differently after discoving who they are inside.

This is true as well, but rare. Humans are visual. You can't tell me that you're going to go and walk up to someone who doesn't fit you're "type" and start up a connection with them. The thing you describe was more of an accident, you didn't start talking with them hoping they'd have a great personality.

Actually, every person I've dated has never really fit into a type- and I'm going to say I wasn't really initially attracted to all of them, but grew fond over time.

I won't disagree that attraction is a vital part of a relationship, but I think different types of people view attraction in different ways. You have people like me who are attracted because of the whole package. Sweetness, charm and humor can make someone physically attractive to me. Then you have the other group, where attraction is based on physique and looks. They can have a great personality but an ugly face but you aren't going to get over the face...

torygirl79

Looks are not particularly relevant to me. But I do have to know someone for months before I'll even consider dating them since it's their character, sense of humour, intelligence and personality that count most to me.