My sister is getting on my last nerves [rant/needs advice]

smartandtrim

My sister has always been difficult. When she was little, she had a lazy eye that caused her massive migraines, which meant my parents let her get away with anything. Now she's 14 and the worst human being I know. My parents got divorced this year, and she is he only one who sees it as some sort of "war". It was an amicable divorce, my parents still talk, they just don't love each other (and both have mentioned in confidence to me that she is one of the major reasons the divorce happened). She, however, has decided she hates my mother, will not speak to her, and speaks openly of only using her so she can go ride at the stable near my mom's house. She has made this year very difficult for my mom at work (she attends the school my mom teaches at) and nearly lost my mom her job.

We sold the house, and I'm living with my dad for a while. She also lives there. Every day I have been here she comes down from her room (where she stays all day) screams at me for being a leech, tells me I'm on mom's side and only here for the internet connection, and is generally nasty. She mocks me for going to the gym, mocks me for watching my weight, and threatens to have my dad kick me out. I'm 19 in a month, for the record, and I usually live alone at college.

I go out and do things with my mom when I can because I like spending tie with her. Each time ends in me coming home to my sister screaming and throwing things. My dad (who, by the by, is recovering from cancer) doesn't want to deal with her bull and so just placates her, which makes her worse and more entitled. I love living here, I love my father, but my sister's violent temper (part of the reason she is with my dad is because my parents don't want her near my little brother, whom she has threatened to kill in the past) is making me want to go- and going means I will rarely, if ever, see him.

She's a nasty, spoiled brat. She's in therapy, but my dad won't let me speak to the therapist to alert her to these issues. I'm losing my mind. What do I do?

maddymama

I am so sorry that your sister is bothering you. She sounds like a piece of work and it sounds like a good thing she is in therapy. It is a shame that other people let her act like that.

Now, in my honest opinion, she can only treat you how you LET her treat you. Make it clear you won't tolerate the nasty and immature behavior, walk away, move out, go live someplace else. Don't do anything for her, but do protect yourself. Life is tooo short to live with someone like that.

TylerJ76

She needs help, that is obvious. Probably a lot more then what she is getting...

People act out in different ways, it's sad and I feel bad for all you going through this.

What she doesn't need, is a sister saying the things that you're saying about her

smartandtrim

She needs help, that is obvious. Probably a lot more then what she is getting...

People act out in different ways, it's sad and I feel bad for all you going through this.

What she doesn't need, is a sister saying the things that you're saying about her

She is violent. I have bruises over my arms and legs to attest to that. She is cruel- even her therapist is shocked at how she treats our mother. She is unapologetic about her nastiness, cusses and screams at myself and our ill father, and is generally a nightmare.

maddymama

Will your MOM let you talk to the therapist about your sister? Or does she not have the ability to OK it if she's not the custodial parent? If your parents talk, can your mom talk to your dad about letting you clue in the therapist?

smartandtrim

Will your MOM let you talk to the therapist about your sister? Or does she not have the ability to OK it if she's not the custodial parent? If your parents talk, can your mom talk to your dad about letting you clue in the therapist?

My mom doesn't pay for the therapist, but I'll have her suggest this to my dad. I actually hadn't thought of that.

maddymama

Also, you might want to think about moving out of your dad's house. Would you ask a friend to stay in an abusive house/relationship, or would you urge her to move out and get away? It sounds like your sister is a violent abuser, and you really should think about getting away. I know you like living with your dad, but it doesn't sound healthy for you to be there- in any way, shape, or form.

Your father is enabling her. You don't have to enable her, too. But it sounds as if you enable her to be abusive just by being there and being a target.

smartandtrim

I'd move out if I could, but my mom doesn't have anywhere ot live yet and my granddad has no more room (where my mom is staying). The area I live in has horrific housing prices, so I can't get an apartment now and still afford one when I get back to school.

therobinator

(1) You are over 18, so if you want to contact the therapist and say whatever you want, you have that right as an individual. Whether the therapist will take what you say into account, or talk to you at all, is up to said therapist.

(2) Hopefuly, the therapist is a good enough one that s/he will be able to discern or discover your sister's issues on her own.

It sounds like your sister really needs help, and I wish your whole family all the best.

rossi02

Do you have a friend you can stay with? Since school is out, or soon to be out.. can you get a job that will afford you to find a place with a roommate?

I suspect since your mother will not let her be around your little brother, they believe her when she says she'll kill him. Why would your dad want to keep that from the therapist?

StephiePop

I know someone in a similar predicament.
Their sister is the same. Violent, constantly causing arguments for no real reason, over reacting, etc. She has a lot of mental problems. She is on her medication now so it's not as bad. Your sister will most likely need some sort of prescription to calm her down. The girl I know is now 18 and they just give her a few drinks to shut her up xD But I wouldn't really advise that with a 14 yr old.
I think the only thing to REALLY help her is finding a therapist that will help her. They aren't all the same, so the one she is seeing might not be the right one for her disorder(s).

lizziebeth1028

Can you contact the therapist yourself? Even if it's via letter to the Therapist tell her everything you've told us. The therapist will hopefully then do the right thing and contact your parents to talk about proper treatment for your sister. In the interim, I would steer clear, ignore her, avoid interaction. If you have friends you can stay with go there! Mom needs to step up her game and provide a home for you.

I hate to see parents not working together for their children's benefit. You say the divorce was amicable....Mom and Dad really need to step up to the plate for both of you and address these issues. It's easy to say let's just divorce and our problems will be gone....but then just leave their children hanging in limbo in the aftermath.

Audddua

I would recommend doing everything you can to avoid her. Try to ignore her and literally lock yourself away in another room if you can. She's probably fishing for a reaction. Maybe if you stopped giving her attention eventually she'd back off on trying to get a rise out of you??? I'd like to think this is just because she's 14, and it will pass, but she may very well be nasty for the rest of her life.

Also, save up every dime you can to get out of there ASAP. Maybe you can't have your own place, but you could find a room for rent (make sure your new roommates are better than your sis first!!). Does your school have any type of housing, dorms, etc? I bet bare minimum they can help point you in the right direction for affordable housing.

TylerJ76

She needs help, that is obvious. Probably a lot more then what she is getting...

People act out in different ways, it's sad and I feel bad for all you going through this.

What she doesn't need, is a sister saying the things that you're saying about her

She is violent. I have bruises over my arms and legs to attest to that. She is cruel- even her therapist is shocked at how she treats our mother. She is unapologetic about her nastiness, cusses and screams at myself and our ill father, and is generally a nightmare.

Then call the cops?

smartandtrim

We recently moved to a new city where I know almost no one and the cost of living is extremely high... the money from my jobs this summer (I work two, plus babysitting) entirely go to making sure I can afford a place to live/food to eat/books next semester. My school is in another state and I'm not taking summer classes (can't afford them) so they can do nothing for me. They've told the therapist she is violent, and they're working on that. I called the therapist and she won't speak to me without my sister's permission, which she won't give. I'd prefer not to call the cops on a 14 year old girl who throws a few elbows.

christine24t

Also, you might want to think about moving out of your dad's house. Would you ask a friend to stay in an abusive house/relationship, or would you urge her to move out and get away? It sounds like your sister is a violent abuser, and you really should think about getting away. I know you like living with your dad, but it doesn't sound healthy for you to be there- in any way, shape, or form.

This is very true. If you were to tell your family you are moving out because your sister is abusive, and actually follow through, it might be a wake up call. It sounds like your sister needs some serious help, more than what she is getting. I know it is almost summer, but is your family in contact with the school counselor to alert them to the issues she is having?

ETA - Saw you tried to contact the therapist. They can't talk to you about her, but you can talk to them about her. Send them an email or a letter.

smartandtrim

She's in private school, so no school counselor. And I can't move out because all of my job money and savings need to go to my living situation and food next year at school.

Pebble321

We recently moved to a new city where I know almost no one and the cost of living is extremely high... the money from my jobs this summer (I work two, plus babysitting) entirely go to making sure I can afford a place to live/food to eat/books next semester. My school is in another state and I'm not taking summer classes (can't afford them) so they can do nothing for me. They've told the therapist she is violent, and they're working on that. I called the therapist and she won't speak to me without my sister's permission, which she won't give. I'd prefer not to call the cops on a 14 year old girl who throws a few elbows.

It sounds like you're in a tough situation. I'd say that all you can do it hang in there until you go to school and at least that will get you out of that complicated situation. Your sister is 14, which I think is the worst age anyway for hormone and behaviour, she is seeing a therapist, so there probably isn't much more you can do.

Try to keep out of the dynamic between your mum and sister as much as possible - they have to work it out between the two of them. Live your life as well as you can under the circumstances, don't buy into the drama, don't "take sides", just do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and focussed on your life and your education. Good luck!

AndiJoy812

How about this The next time she is violent, call the police. Sounds like she needs more treatment than what she is getting. Your parents can have her committed to a behavioral unit so that she can get intensive treatment. Sounds like that is what she needs. Just letting her continue with the behavior is not going to help her. She needs help NOW. Putting your hands on someone in anger and making threats against other members of the household is not acceptable. Your Dad needs to grow a backbone - I am so sorry that he is recovering from cancer, but that is no excuse for tolerating this behavior. Somebody needs to be the parent here - she is still a child. Get her the help she needs before she ends up in jail. How far are you willing to go to help? You can also call CPS and file a report. I realize that it can turn into a hot mess, but she is going to end up hurting someone - and then what? You're 19 and a legal adult. Act like one.

smartandtrim

How about this The next time she is violent, call the police. Sounds like she needs more treatment than what she is getting. Your parents can have her committed to a behavioral unit so that she can get intensive treatment. Sounds like that is what she needs. Just letting her continue with the behavior is not going to help her. She needs help NOW. Putting your hands on someone in anger and making threats against other members of the household is not acceptable. Your Dad needs to grow a backbone - I am so sorry that he is recovering from cancer, but that is no excuse for tolerating this behavior. Somebody needs to be the parent here - she is still a child. Get her the help she needs before she ends up in jail. How far are you willing to go to help? You can also call CPS and file a report. I realize that it can turn into a hot mess, but she is going to end up hurting someone - and then what? You're 19 and a legal adult. Act like one.

The police come if you are having homicidal behavior or suicidal behavior. She had neither. My dad still has chemo weekly, as well as other treatments, and working 50 hour weeks, so "growing a backbone" isn't as much of an issue as pure exhaustion. As for CPS, absolutely not, as my brother is adopted and CPS takes away adoptive children first.

christine24t

The police come if you are having homicidal behavior or suicidal behavior. She had neither.

You can call if someone is assaulting others or threatening others. Maybe it is scary to call the police on your own relative, but if she is being threatening, maybe it is what you have to do.

But if you can't do anything, like the other poster said, you will just have to stay out of it.