Real Question for Men!
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If you have issues now they will get 10x worse when you get married. I think if he's saying it's your job to please him and he doesn't feel the need to please you then you will never change that. Be prepared for that attitude forever because he'll always have an excuse no matter how much weight you lose.
yes this is common knowledge, LOL0 -
Not a man but....it sounds to me he wants his cake and eat it too when he feels like it which isn't fair to you. Please don't be losing this weight for him because he has said some rude stuff to you and has disappointed you as a man it seems.0
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I am a social worker.
I know about myself that I will never be attracted to people without problems.
Then you haven't eliminated anyone, because everyone has problems!0 -
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...even with all the advice, you will need to make your own choice that you will have to live with.You survived drug addiction, alcohol abuse, weight gain, and you will make a choice, and you will move forward because that is what survivors do. My opinion is not going to change what YOU already know.0
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Sorry honey, He sounds like my ex husband. *Note the EX*
I had to learn the hard way that if I don't treat you (the man) the way you're treating me or vice versa, then it isn't going to work!
I will N.E.V.E.R. let a BOY tell me that I'm not beautiful or that it's my "job" to keep him interested again.
I think you could do much better. I know that you're going to have to come to terms with that on your own. People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. If he's treating you like this he alway will until you make a choice for it to stop.
Real MEN treat their women with love and respect. They make the ladies in their lives their priorities. They give affection, reassurance, commitment, happiness, compliments, and strength to the women in their lifes; mother, aunts, daughters, wife, etc.0 -
I am a social worker.
I know about myself that I will never be attracted to people without problems.
Then you haven't eliminated anyone, because everyone has problems!
Yes, they do. And if they don't have them when you meet them, they may have them later.0 -
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...even with all the advice, you will need to make your own choice that you will have to live with.You survived drug addiction, alcohol abuse, weight gain, and you will make a choice, and you will move forward because that is what survivors do. My opinion is not going to change what YOU already know.
Been there too! AMEN! Only when we decide to change does everything else!
Sara0 -
Not to give relationship advice, but you did ask...
Run. Run far away. Log it as cardio.
If he's "not very sexual", nothing is going to change that. You could gain or lose weight, and the result will be the same. If you aren't a match in bed, you're better off being, at best, friends. If you can stomach to look at him, that is.0 -
tie him to the bed and sit on his face until he satisfies you !!!!!!
LMAO.... If it doesn't work, at least he'll be out of your hair.
bahahahaha0 -
For men sex is a thing of love, it is that moment in which he and his love are connected as one - I mean please please correct me if I am wrong (all you men out there)
Actually, I think you may have just described a woman.
Actually, I guess that depends on the man.0 -
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear but..you put it out here so...
Maybe both of you are nice people with your own problems; this does not make you a good match!
From what you said about never seeing yourself with a person who doesn't have problems, It sounds like you have self esteem issues and crave validation...
Even after your 2nd post sort of defending him, he still sounds like he is a self centered, insecure, manipulative twerp who clearly has intimacy and communication issues.
Goodness BOTH of you need to get therapy now ....or get out and get therapy for yourself.0 -
I am a social worker.
I know about myself that I will never be attracted to people without problems.
Then you haven't eliminated anyone, because everyone has problems!
Yes, they do. And if they don't have them when you meet them, they may have them later.
Yes you just have to weed out the ones with major problems , LOL (I work with the criminally insane population BTW) I think everyone deserves someone who makes them feel special. Sounds like he does in other areas? But I agree with some of the other posters, the sex will not get better. I do know some people who have a platonic marriage and it is ....odd... But if it works for both of you it is OK.0 -
I am a social worker.
I know about myself that I will never be attracted to people without problems.
Then you haven't eliminated anyone, because everyone has problems!
Yes, they do. And if they don't have them when you meet them, they may have them later.
Oh no they have them when you meet them, you just have to see the red flags for what they are. I used to be friends with this guy, who dated this chick that one day while he was in the shower went through his phone and called me at 6 am in the morning to scream at me that how I dare text message her boyfriend, I hung up on her. He ended up marrying her and she cheated on him and got pregnant and tried to pass the baby off as his, until his mother urged him to get a DNA test. You know what he said to me during this time after they got divorced, "She changed once we got married" NO SHE DIDN'T he knew exactly the person she was 4 months into dating her, she was the type of woman, that searched through his phone, invaded his privacy, disrespected him and demanded that he give up his friends that she didn't approve of. She showed him exactly who she was and he chose to ignore it and married her anyways.
Learn to read red flags. They are glaringly obvious.0 -
That is wrong. You deserve to be treated better and hear compliments! Hes in the wrong!0
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I'm going to take a stab in the dark here, and I might be totally way out of line. But how much porn does he look at? everything you described in your post suggests he may be addicted to porn and covering up by saying you turn him off. Porn addicts (male) will often avoid sex because #1 they can't get it up or keep it up or #2 have trouble with PE. They often won't kiss or engage in foreplay that doesn't directly benefit them....you don't have to kiss a laptop...
Lots of guys who prefer porn to the real deal will say they don't want sex with you because you aren't attractive enough. But the REAL truth is that they are avoiding intimacy and their own hand is alot easier than doing all the work with a real person. The worst part is that being with a chronic porn user will destroy your self esteem.
Sorry if I'm being too graphic for you. And it's not my intention to offend.
^Bears serious consideration.0 -
Maybe I made him sound worse than he actually is.
He DOES support me in my weight loss. He tells me how proud he is of me, how much better I look as time goes on, and he compliments me often saying how pretty I look and so on. He doesn't always refuse me sex, and sometimes he even initiates it on his own, but he says if I want it to be a regular part of our relationship (i.e. that it happens often, rather than 1-2 times a month) then losing weight would boost his drive for it. I also asked him to be honest. He avoided saying this to me for almost a year until I finally badgered him into it and told him I would rather hear a hurtful truth than a lie.
He never makes comments about what I eat, he never bugs me to go the gym, he doesn't put me down about my appearance. He in fact tells me how awesome I am as a person, and how much he admires me, and how much he loves spending time with me.
Some people have asked about other aspects ... he is not on medications, but he probably should be for depression. I am in the mental health field myself, and I know it when I see it. He was also raised in a highly physically abused household and has a hard time with ANY type of intimacy, such as touch, hugging, kissing, etc. He's improved in that area dramatically since we've been together. I'm the first relationship he's had in 10 years, and he says he's avoided it because he feels like he is 'broken' after what he went through as a kid. He has never been to counseling for it, and he should, but I don't see it happening.
Everyone says drop him, and I kind of expected that, but I don't want to. He doesn't need me for anything. He makes more money than me.
I appreciate everyone's efforts to boost me up. I did give myself a personal ultimatum, and when I reach my goals (and I have self-esteem improving goals he can't affect), if he hasn't managed to learn to give, I will go.
Don't mean to hurt your fellings but it appears that you posted so that you could hear the answer that YOU want to hear. So far that hasn't happened. Almost every person on this forum has told you to shed your tears, put you face to the wind and move on. That obviously isn't what you want to hear. So many people giving you the same advice CAN'T be wrong. There is an old saying, " . . . that sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees". I believe that is the case here. The only time a woman can change a male is when he is still in diapers. Sorry that you didn't get the answer that you want. I do wish you the very best. Keep in mind that hiring a "good ole boy" is still an option.
Tom
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I have my own brain full o' issues, so let me tell you from first hand experience that he might be a great guy and a good friend, but he won't be able to be a good partner until he gets his issues resolved. Please consider the possibility that you are enabling him to avoid getting treatment.I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear but..you put it out here so...
Maybe both of you are nice people with your own problems; this does not make you a good match!
Remember, if he can withhold sex until you lose weight, you also have the right to withhold the relationship until he gets his depression under control. Actually, you have the right to do that anyway, whereas he should still be finding other ways to make sure you're satisfied.0 -
hmm....just a few things that sound familiar here.....I believe that he is genuinely stressed and this does lower your libido somewhat.
My soon to be ex has been the same...to a point...he works practically 24/7 and then complains if he doesn't get attention. How are you supposed to give a man attention when he locks himself away all the time?...so OP, I do get it.
This is a tough one as I don't want to give you advice based on my own experiences....each relationship is different. Do you still love each other? That has a big part to play. If one or both of you have grown apart, this will inevitably force a bridge between you, nevermind any other issues.
Both me and my ex have grown apart and its caused a number of issues. This was our last chance to resolve the relationship - great at first, but its gone back to how it was. I can't live like that, so we're separating for the last time. You can't live within a loveless relationship. It's about love, care, respect, trust and being there for one another.
Hope it works out for you. He must get some advice or counselling tho, i think, as it will only get worse over time.0 -
My husband says your man is full of $#it! If you think ahead 10 years in the future would you still be happy with this guy or will you be bitter and sorry you wasted your time? He may well be a great guy, but he might not be the guy for you. If you are having these problems now, imagine what's in store down the road. Don't settle for less than you deserve. He better be totally awesome outside the bedroom...Good luck!
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Wow. Tough one. Firstly, you should be commended for being so open and honest. I know it's a difficult subject.
I think your husband has more issues that he is willing to admit. Using your weight is a convenient excuse (or was, it sounds like you are taking that away from him....). And yes, we men are more visual. However, you were more overweight when he married you. So, again, something is not adding up here....
I was reading recently that some men have lower sex drives linked to low testosterone levels. My guess is being overweight can exacerbate the problem. If he has erectile issues, weight could also be a factor. Perhaps he needs to start exercising with you, and get into shape.
Also, are you sure he is not gay? Nothing wrong with that, obviously. But unfortunately, some men do not want to admit this, since our society is (unfortunately) still quite biased against gays. A "safe" marriage (with a convenient excuse for not wanting to have sex) can be a type of denial. Perhaps your renewed interest in your own body (through better diet, exercise) is forcing his hand.
Again, this is pure speculation, but as a man, I can say that it's not normal at all to avoid sex, unless there are some real fundamental issues with the relationship. Yes, gaining 60 pounds over a short period of time could count as a legitimate issue in my opinion (just being honest). But you've *lost" that much, so the opposite should be true. He should be happy to have a "new woman" in bed with him... ;-)
In any case, you need to speak to a professional, ideally together. Good luck.
--Prahasaurus0
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