I need a hug and some advice

Lozze

First off I don't want any religious judgement. So if that's all you have to offer, please don't respond.

I've had a complicated relationship with a friend. We first slept together about four years ago. That lasted about a month, then we fell out and hated each other. We ended up talking again (we worked together) and ended up dating for about a year. I broke up with him because it wasn't going anywhere. He kept telling me he loved me when drunk and would deny it when sober. So that was part of my dumping him.

We remained friends and after a month of no sex, decided we'd be friends with benefits. This has been going on for nine months. He's been throwing increasingly confusing signals my way, and it's really felt like we were dating again. I think this time I have falled in love with him but never said anything.

He says today that he thinks we're holding onto each other like security blankets and that it's far too easy and we have no future and we need to stop having sex. It's all true and I've kinda known it for a while but I'm still bawling my eyes out and eating ice cream. (and of course first two songs on Shuffle 'All By Myself' and 'Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough' I cried at the first and laughed at the second because it was just too perfect) He's one of my best friends and I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I don't know if we can be friends without the benefits. And I'm so lonely and I want a life partner who is my best friend, great in bed and someone who gets me. And that's him, but for some reason neither of us sees a future with the other.

And I just can't stop crying and am hating myself for putting me in that position.

mrmv

Big Hug...
You....deserve...better...move on, treat yourself as you would your best friend. You owe it to yourself..

Dave198lbs

premarital sex is a sin and you will burn....oh wait...I'm joking,

enjoy whatever it is for what it is. you cant make something into what it isnt.

bathsheba_c

::hug::

Feel free to bawl your eyes out. Consider switching your ice cream for either a "healthy" brand of ice cream, like Skinny Cow, or for frozen yogurt.

I once had an on-again, off-again boyfriend. What I learned from the experience was that being best friends and attracted to each other isn't enough to make a relationship work. Take time to get over it, learn what you need to learn from the experience, brush the dust off you, and move on.

Lozze

premarital sex is a sin and you will burn....oh wait...I'm joking,

enjoy whatever it is for what it is. you cant make something into what it isnt.

Haha, thank you for the laugh

That's exactly it. I think it's why "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough' is on repeat

Feel free to bawl your eyes out. Consider switching your ice cream for either a "healthy" brand of ice cream, like Skinny Cow, or for frozen yogurt.

Am eating Skinny Cow already.

charlena48

The best advice I can offer is to "grieve" over the loss for a few days and decide right now that you deserve better than that. Focus on getting healthy and having new opportunities. You just never know what is in your future. Good luck.

makdeniz

You deserve better!

SOCALGIRLY38

Every relationship we have is in preparation for the ONE. I took me 7 years to find my 1, after a bad 1st marriage. Don't give up. Have faith!!!! Faith is huge and do the work (that means first dates, which are awkward but necessary).

Hug, most of us have been there and from someone who made it around the bend, it does get better!!

Oh, I also am a fan of therapy, never thought I would be (had a traumatic childhood, that I thought I was dealing with). But started therapy a few years ago (38) and it has helped me a lot having a neutral 3rd party that is paid to be dumped on ...... Hee Hee

whisperer02

I was in a similar situation and had some serious but hard decisions to make. First I stopped the sex because. that clouded everything. Then he and I had a serious talk about what we were looking for in a relationship. You both need to be sober for that. After being apart for a month we realized that it was rough but we were both were in differant places as far as a relationship. We still talk but after a year I have found someone who wanted what I did and I am engaged to a prince and my ex is one of my best friends with me and my prince. Oh/ Hugs and good luck to you.

cramernh

Sounds like a Joan Jett situation "Hate Myself for Loving You"....

Ditch him... seriously ditch him - time for him to get off the free rollercoaster ride and for you to shut down for maintenance...

My daughter's father thought I was 'open' for that type of relationship after he chose to ditch me and our daughter and left me a single parent. Had the nerve to show up at my door in a trench-coat and nothing on underneath like that was something he thought I would be turned on by..

err....uhhhh.... no.... thankfully the police were around the corner and witnessed him flashing me... what a numbnut...

trollydollymolly

Friends shouldn't make each other cry .

It's ok if you are both coming from the same angle - that's fine - but when the balance changes you have to be honest with each other - however difficult, awkward and painful that might be.

Tell him how you feel and move on. You deserve someone who loves you unreservedly.

Chin up.

Sue

Ps here's a hug.

chelledawg14

Awww, I feel for you. I had a male best friend for years and we crossed that line twice, realized it could end up killing our friendship and stopped. We still flirted, joked around about sex, but never went through with it again. If you guys are so close, then talking about it, maybe spending some time apart and reconnecting may be what you need to do. Just say "NO" and remember having a friend is more important than sex!!! Um, I think I showed my age with that comment - lol (a young 45) On another note, I was an emotional eater so the ice cream would have been right up my alley, BUT, just look at the label on the back and that a serving of ice cream is only 1/2 cup. If it's real or anything other than plain ice cream, your calories will be used up and then you'll be even more sad! If you can stop yourself from the ice cream binge, you WILL feel better in that you were strong enough to resist AND it will motivate you more towards your fitness goals! and THAT is something to smile about! By the way, I DO eat ice cream - either skinnycow snacks or lowfat/no sugar vanilla with fresh fruit, or that occasional baby size cone from DQ or McDonalds'!

netztoy

{{{hugs}}}...no human can love you like you can love yourself...feel the pain for a short time then get up, brush yourself off and move forward. I know it's a cliche, but, life is really too short. Make yourself happy!!!!:flowerforyou:

marathon64

I actually think he's right-he is a security blanket for you. His friendship and being desired by him make you feel so good. But sometimes being alone and even lonely is so much better for us than being in a relationship that depletes us emotionally. In the long run he is not someone who is going to help you be a better person and accomplish your life goals. You need to love yourself enough to let go completely.

IMHO being friends with someone you have that level of emotional involvement with is just too difficult. Be civil "aquaintances" if you can-but don't go beyond hell or have a nice weekend. Dont' ask or respond with more than a few words to personal questions. Create a bubble around yourself that he is not welcome in and don't seek out his presence in your life. It will be very hard and sad but there is so much waiting for you in this life and you need to love yourself enough to go down that path. Good luck!!!

rundmc21

I can relate to this
The more you sleep with him, the worse you'll feel.
Get some frozen yoghurt, eat said yoghurt, and we'll see you on the other side for that hug!
YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS.

Never look back xxx

marathon64

I just looked at your profile and your inspirational quote is "because I'm worth it". And you are!!!! So show yourself some love and move on xo

Dauntlessness

Hug

He is using you. If he was your friend he wouldn't be putting you through this because friends do what is best for each other, even at their own expense. Let him go. Separate yourself from him for a while until your strong enough to say no because you know, next time he is drunk, it will happen all over again.

If your eating ice cream when you get sad, try eating a lower cal alternative food like low cal popsicles, fudgepops (40 cals a piece) or sorbet. I know your going through a rough time but if you dont break this cycle, you wont progress. I am very guilty of it too. My dog was put down this week and I dove into some Ben and Jerrys and regretted it ever since. We can do this.

bubwater

You deserve better:smokin:

Kerri_is_so_very

Big hugs to you!! I'm familiar with your situation and know perfectly well where you are coming from. Some times we need to follow our heads and not our hearts. Easier said than done, I know!

HotMamaByVday

<hugs>

and if he was your best friend, the sex wouldn't be an issue. You deserve better.

Neens26

Ok firstly sending you a hug and secondly it does sound like you are holding onto each other. I think the best thing to do would be to break free from him. No contact, doesn't mean to say that in the futer you can't hang out. But for now while you need to get over him it is best. I found that out with my ex, we broke up but were still hanging out like we were together, then one day I had enough and didn't talk to him. I got over him eventually and so glad I did. And now all I want to concentrate on is myself, I come fist. If a great guy does come along then if its right he will fit into my life.

And thats what I think for you. Concentrate on yourself. You can't meet anyone else until your over him and when you are really over him, someone will come along that you like much more.

Hope this helped!

x

reallymyBEST

Agreed - you deserve better. If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you this way. If he was truly your friend, he wouldn't treat you this way. He's taking advantage of the fact that you have feelings for him and making it work to his benefit, disregarding how torturous it is for you. A real friend would back away and allow you to heal.

I KNOW that's not what you want to hear. Believe me, I've been there. But stop now, take a breather, stay away from him, process your feelings, and work on healing from the situation. You need lots of time without him in order to move beyond this. And you DO need to move beyond this. He will never be what you want him to be. You might see the potential there, but potential is not reality, esp when he doesn't see it himself.

LooseWheel

Matey you gotta have it so that any man who wants you needs to be chasing you. I wish I could make Hubby be chasing me again! Anywhooo...You need to take time out to find out who the heck it is you are, what you want, your needs, your desires and your goals. You have to sit down and plan out a poster like page that has all visible goals on it. Once you get started and you are focused you'll have pictures of a fav car on there, a career, studdy goals, family/parenting goals, lifestyle changes, weight loss/gain goals and financial goals. Think of all things it is you would like to have or achieve and put them on this poster so you can see them clearly. If you want it, put it down.

kristarablue

Oh baby girl I a, reaching out and giving you the biggest hug ever and I am crying right with you. I feel a smack in the face with this one, it is so hard when we develop friendships that we so badly want more and they feel like more to us and the other person is a jack *kitten*. I have been in bed crying all morning about someone I fell for head over heels and I am nothing to and I keep berating myself for not being good enough I need so badly to get him out of my life but can come up with about 1000 excuses not too. Brining it back to you, my point is, we can do it! When a relationship brings you down and makes you feel bad more than it makes you feel good, it is probably not a good relationship and is making you unhealthy and its not fair for you.

It is scary making that move, but tomorrow if he disappeared you would be sad, but you would move on with life and end up being healthier. You have the strength to do this my dear.

ellekay22

(((HUGS)))
Advice? Eat only GOOD ice cream, stuff that is made of sugar, cream, and flavour....and that's it. None of this "dexomethal solphate" crap.
Eat it slow. Savour every moment.
Then compare the good stuff to the crap. That is the difference between a real relationship and what you've been doing. Sure, it seems good enough, but it ain't the same.
You deserve the good stuff.
((more hugs))

jillica

Hug!

It is easy for us to say from the outside but having said that, we probably see it a little clearer. This, too, shall pass. And you will find someone even better!

All great advice from above -
YES, value yourself more. I'm saying this from experience (not quite like yours), but he was exactly what you thought you deserved. You DESERVE someone who loves consistently. (P.S. I don't know if this would havs sunk into me if someone would have said this to me at the time, but looking at it now - SO TRUE!)

YES, security blanket! It was convenient & with no risk of rejection for you guys to use eachother for what you wanted from a real relationship. That kind of relationship was making it hard for both of you to move on.

YES, you will get a booty call from him! You have to stay strong and say NO!

chocl8girl

*(*(*hugzzz*)*)*

This made me cry. I have been there before. In a way I am there right now because even though I am supposedly official with someone, he doesn't view our relationship the same way I do, and it's starting to wear on me. It sucks. But you deserve better. So much better. Sometimes, people are in our lives for a reason, and they must leave our lives for other reasons. If you truly are not able to just be friends, then maybe the best thing is to just be distant acquaintances. Letting go is SO SO hard, but sometimes, it's the best thing for everyone involved.

I'll be thinking about you.

Squashypig

Big hugs! While you're wasting your time with your 'friend' you're not allowing yourself the freedom to get out there as a single woman and have the opportunity to find Mr Right! Sure you don't want to lose this guys friendship but there's just too much at stake here........your sanity for one! A true friend would not play you like this. You know this situation doesn't feel right and it's not right. Let him go! Believe me you will know when you have found your perfect partner. Once you truly believe that this is the right way forward for you, everything will start to fall in to place and you will be back on track with your weight loss journey. I wish you every success xoxoxoxox

dynamicwon

XOXO ....its better you find out now how he really feels instead of waiting and wasting more time. Start looking for Mr. Right . Join some of those online dating sites. Dating will make you feel better. Join the single group on here also for good advice and some laughs!

LooseWheel

You need to focus on yourself. The mixed messages coming out of this relationship almost sound like my marriage ha ha! that laugh was for myself! Ugh. Anyway, you need to find out what it is you want right now. You love him, but are you 'in love' with him. He loves you as a friend and physically, but is he 'in love' with you. This needs clarity.

Put it on paper as a personal goal chart. If there's a specific car/job/career/study path/ financial goal/ holiday destination you need to get a pic of it and put it on your poster. In the centre you need to find your 'mantra' and write it down. my mantra is "You are a strong, independent and beautiful woman", Put this poster up in your room so you see it every single day, you get motivated by it every day and you become empowered by what it is you want in life. You focus will be on you, you will also find the man interested now chasing after you rather than you possibly chasing him. Men love a strong minded woman, who truly can focus on herself and her needs as well as others around her. Without reducing to being arragant of course matey! Thats too much attention on ones self lol.

If you are confused, well he isn't being clear about what he wants. If you are giving him an open relationship or a bed buddies level of relationship, well the man will take it. What you truly want is more important and by the sounds of things, you really do want a proper connected relationship. you are only getting this connection in a physical manner right now if its only the sex that brings you together. Nothing wrong with a 'bed buddies' relationship if thats what BOTH of you do want. It is hard to change what you've had before as well. If there hasn't been 'rules' as such you'll find it hard laying down the line. You can go into the discussion with the mindset and focus that you really are not only a strong 'physical' being but your 'emotional' being is starting to empower you and take control, and this is something you cant ignore. Asking him 'what do you want', well you may not get the answer you're looking for, but also you may end up with an answer he 'thinks you want to hear' right! Boys do this. People do this!

To start with you need to find out what it is you truly want and start by writing your thoughts down so you can figure out if its an emotional or physical reaction. You obviously do have a man in your life, so you are not destined to be alone, you are obviously attractive, do not play the lame game of "But I'll never have someone love me again". Its always there on your mind near a break up or difficult moment in a relationship. You are truly a fantastic person, who needs to focus on themselves for once. Wholey and Soley. If that means making a complete break with this guy for a week or month so you can find out how you feel about each other, then do it. If he's a true friend, he will be there for you in a week or months time. If he has love for you, you will hear from him, he will not give up. Dont settle for second best mate. Go out there and find out what you want, and then bloody well get it. If its him, well you will know. If he knows its you he wants, it'll be there clear. Take a break from each other. A full break. No touch, no contact break. see how you go after a week to reassess the situation and find out what the relationship truly is for both of you. You cannot deny yourself the best or the truth mate.

Here's to your future. Sex will be there again, friendship will be there again and true love will be there again for you. Go find what its meant between the 2 of you.

Best of luck my dear. Life is hard!

MNguerita

Everyone has great advice and I hope you take some of it. My piece, love yourself...once you love and respect yourself, you won't feel like you need him around to feel special, you will already know. I say cut him out completely....you will never truly open yourself up to a new quality relationship if you still feel like you have a connection with him. Connections are great, but only if they are mutual. He's just not that into you as the saying goes and you deserve better.