I need a hug and some advice

reallymyBEST

Agreed - you deserve better. If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you this way. If he was truly your friend, he wouldn't treat you this way. He's taking advantage of the fact that you have feelings for him and making it work to his benefit, disregarding how torturous it is for you. A real friend would back away and allow you to heal.

I KNOW that's not what you want to hear. Believe me, I've been there. But stop now, take a breather, stay away from him, process your feelings, and work on healing from the situation. You need lots of time without him in order to move beyond this. And you DO need to move beyond this. He will never be what you want him to be. You might see the potential there, but potential is not reality, esp when he doesn't see it himself.

LooseWheel

Matey you gotta have it so that any man who wants you needs to be chasing you. I wish I could make Hubby be chasing me again! Anywhooo...You need to take time out to find out who the heck it is you are, what you want, your needs, your desires and your goals. You have to sit down and plan out a poster like page that has all visible goals on it. Once you get started and you are focused you'll have pictures of a fav car on there, a career, studdy goals, family/parenting goals, lifestyle changes, weight loss/gain goals and financial goals. Think of all things it is you would like to have or achieve and put them on this poster so you can see them clearly. If you want it, put it down.

kristarablue

Oh baby girl I a, reaching out and giving you the biggest hug ever and I am crying right with you. I feel a smack in the face with this one, it is so hard when we develop friendships that we so badly want more and they feel like more to us and the other person is a jack *kitten*. I have been in bed crying all morning about someone I fell for head over heels and I am nothing to and I keep berating myself for not being good enough I need so badly to get him out of my life but can come up with about 1000 excuses not too. Brining it back to you, my point is, we can do it! When a relationship brings you down and makes you feel bad more than it makes you feel good, it is probably not a good relationship and is making you unhealthy and its not fair for you.

It is scary making that move, but tomorrow if he disappeared you would be sad, but you would move on with life and end up being healthier. You have the strength to do this my dear.

ellekay22

(((HUGS)))
Advice? Eat only GOOD ice cream, stuff that is made of sugar, cream, and flavour....and that's it. None of this "dexomethal solphate" crap.
Eat it slow. Savour every moment.
Then compare the good stuff to the crap. That is the difference between a real relationship and what you've been doing. Sure, it seems good enough, but it ain't the same.
You deserve the good stuff.
((more hugs))

jillica

Hug!

It is easy for us to say from the outside but having said that, we probably see it a little clearer. This, too, shall pass. And you will find someone even better!

All great advice from above -
YES, value yourself more. I'm saying this from experience (not quite like yours), but he was exactly what you thought you deserved. You DESERVE someone who loves consistently. (P.S. I don't know if this would havs sunk into me if someone would have said this to me at the time, but looking at it now - SO TRUE!)

YES, security blanket! It was convenient & with no risk of rejection for you guys to use eachother for what you wanted from a real relationship. That kind of relationship was making it hard for both of you to move on.

YES, you will get a booty call from him! You have to stay strong and say NO!

chocl8girl

*(*(*hugzzz*)*)*

This made me cry. I have been there before. In a way I am there right now because even though I am supposedly official with someone, he doesn't view our relationship the same way I do, and it's starting to wear on me. It sucks. But you deserve better. So much better. Sometimes, people are in our lives for a reason, and they must leave our lives for other reasons. If you truly are not able to just be friends, then maybe the best thing is to just be distant acquaintances. Letting go is SO SO hard, but sometimes, it's the best thing for everyone involved.

I'll be thinking about you.

Squashypig

Big hugs! While you're wasting your time with your 'friend' you're not allowing yourself the freedom to get out there as a single woman and have the opportunity to find Mr Right! Sure you don't want to lose this guys friendship but there's just too much at stake here........your sanity for one! A true friend would not play you like this. You know this situation doesn't feel right and it's not right. Let him go! Believe me you will know when you have found your perfect partner. Once you truly believe that this is the right way forward for you, everything will start to fall in to place and you will be back on track with your weight loss journey. I wish you every success xoxoxoxox

dynamicwon

XOXO ....its better you find out now how he really feels instead of waiting and wasting more time. Start looking for Mr. Right . Join some of those online dating sites. Dating will make you feel better. Join the single group on here also for good advice and some laughs!

LooseWheel

You need to focus on yourself. The mixed messages coming out of this relationship almost sound like my marriage ha ha! that laugh was for myself! Ugh. Anyway, you need to find out what it is you want right now. You love him, but are you 'in love' with him. He loves you as a friend and physically, but is he 'in love' with you. This needs clarity.

Put it on paper as a personal goal chart. If there's a specific car/job/career/study path/ financial goal/ holiday destination you need to get a pic of it and put it on your poster. In the centre you need to find your 'mantra' and write it down. my mantra is "You are a strong, independent and beautiful woman", Put this poster up in your room so you see it every single day, you get motivated by it every day and you become empowered by what it is you want in life. You focus will be on you, you will also find the man interested now chasing after you rather than you possibly chasing him. Men love a strong minded woman, who truly can focus on herself and her needs as well as others around her. Without reducing to being arragant of course matey! Thats too much attention on ones self lol.

If you are confused, well he isn't being clear about what he wants. If you are giving him an open relationship or a bed buddies level of relationship, well the man will take it. What you truly want is more important and by the sounds of things, you really do want a proper connected relationship. you are only getting this connection in a physical manner right now if its only the sex that brings you together. Nothing wrong with a 'bed buddies' relationship if thats what BOTH of you do want. It is hard to change what you've had before as well. If there hasn't been 'rules' as such you'll find it hard laying down the line. You can go into the discussion with the mindset and focus that you really are not only a strong 'physical' being but your 'emotional' being is starting to empower you and take control, and this is something you cant ignore. Asking him 'what do you want', well you may not get the answer you're looking for, but also you may end up with an answer he 'thinks you want to hear' right! Boys do this. People do this!

To start with you need to find out what it is you truly want and start by writing your thoughts down so you can figure out if its an emotional or physical reaction. You obviously do have a man in your life, so you are not destined to be alone, you are obviously attractive, do not play the lame game of "But I'll never have someone love me again". Its always there on your mind near a break up or difficult moment in a relationship. You are truly a fantastic person, who needs to focus on themselves for once. Wholey and Soley. If that means making a complete break with this guy for a week or month so you can find out how you feel about each other, then do it. If he's a true friend, he will be there for you in a week or months time. If he has love for you, you will hear from him, he will not give up. Dont settle for second best mate. Go out there and find out what you want, and then bloody well get it. If its him, well you will know. If he knows its you he wants, it'll be there clear. Take a break from each other. A full break. No touch, no contact break. see how you go after a week to reassess the situation and find out what the relationship truly is for both of you. You cannot deny yourself the best or the truth mate.

Here's to your future. Sex will be there again, friendship will be there again and true love will be there again for you. Go find what its meant between the 2 of you.

Best of luck my dear. Life is hard!

MNguerita

Everyone has great advice and I hope you take some of it. My piece, love yourself...once you love and respect yourself, you won't feel like you need him around to feel special, you will already know. I say cut him out completely....you will never truly open yourself up to a new quality relationship if you still feel like you have a connection with him. Connections are great, but only if they are mutual. He's just not that into you as the saying goes and you deserve better.

ConnieSG

Somebody needs what you have to give. It may not be your money; it may be your time. It may be your listening ear. It may be your arms to encourage. It may be your smile to uplift. Who knows? Maybe just like that little baby, putting your arm around somebody and letting him or her know that you care can help begin to heal that person’s heart. Maybe you can give a rescuing hug

calvert6183

Big Hug...
You....deserve...better...move on, treat yourself as you would your best friend. You owe it to yourself..

Ok its this that irritates me. I see you and others have said this. First of all you dont know either of them so you cant judge. This is the generic lazy that implies he is a jerk. Have more respect, this guy is her best friend and she loves him. There are always two sides of the story. You dont know the whole story. Just saying this. Women dont always deserve better just because they are a woman. Woman deserve good things because of how they treat others, whats in their heart, and are smart enough to stay away from bad boys.

Sorry about that. Its obvious that you both have done and said things to make this a very complicated situation. It seems you care about him and he means the world to you but this is the thing. People who care about each other cant have sex without feelings getting involved over time. What you need to do is have a heart to mind conversation with yourself and with him. No one on here is going to be able to have the answer for you because we dont know the whole true story. Im sure there are many variables to why you both have been on and off again and only you two know the answers. Talk to him, if you cant then you wont get anywhere.

Stop touching his willie for now. if all you want is friendship and you decide you want more or just focus on friendship then you are going to have to talk to him. You have to. His willie will want to say hi but dont you touch him. Talk and talk and get it out in the open. The whole saftey net thing is a logical way of thinking if two people are just having sex with no commitment so I do see why he would say that but in your case it could be that you both were/are scared to move on or maybe there is a reason why you both stayed around.

People need to learn that being best friends is awesome and needed for a great relationship. Thats whats wrong with today, people dont even like the person they are dating and are not friends. You both are already best friends, now you just need to it down and not be scared and talk about how you both feel. You wont be able to predict the future and never will have a contract but if you two decide that you both owe it to each other and try to date then go with the flow, no pressure, no talking about the future, just enjoy each other and let it build.

He has feelings for you two, if he didnt then he wouldnt have been in your life for so long. DOnt listen to many other women by making you think he is bad or not good enough for you, their answer is to always move on and then they wonder why marriage ends in divorce. Its normal for people to be confused or not know what they want, it doesnt make them a bad person. Sometimes the best answer is not to move on. You have a deep friendship and a desire, thats more than most marriages these days. Dont give up, just talk to him and leave his willie alone until you both have truely talked about things. You seem like an amazing person who is nice. I wish you luck and hope that you get all your answers.

Lozze

Stop touching his willie for now. if all you want is friendship and you decide you want more or just focus on friendship then you are going to have to talk to him. You have to. His willie will want to say hi but dont you touch him. Talk and talk and get it out in the open. The whole saftey net thing is a logical way of thinking if two people are just having sex with no commitment so I do see why he would say that but in your case it could be that you both were/are scared to move on or maybe there is a reason why you both stayed around.

Haha, yes I definitly need to stop having sex with him. That's the advice I'm getting from people here and IRL (well the IRL friends both started with 'I told you so')

There are definite feelings there for both of us. You can't be best friends and have sex and NOT have feelings. We are definitly each other's safety nets.

And just to be clear (cause I don't think I was) he is the one who is saying we need to stop having sex. And why I'm sad. Because I know there is no future there and I think that's what is hurting the most. Hence 'Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough' being on repeat right now.

calvert6183

Im sorry for your situation. It sucks. People saying i told you so and judging should have more respect. You are already hurt and dont need disrespect. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone you care about and its human to be physical with them also. They need to stop, they are not perfect. Actually there are many on here that def shouldnt be giving advice.

Maybe he just doesnt want to hurt you or is confused. You just need to talk to him. Just because someone says something doesnt mean its what they truely wants. I have experience this kinda before. I tried to set someone free once because I was confused and didnt want to hold them back. I felt like I wasnt going to make them happy. We talked about it and reliezed that there was too much there to let go. Maybe its the love will set you free thing or maybe its just there isnt anything there but either way you both owe it to each other to talk and in my opinion unlike others here, I think you both should go for it.

If you love him, I dont believe in giving up on love and fight for what I want. I dont believe in giving up on someone who is your best friend that is more just to start over dating new people who want to play games. Hang in there and keep your head up. Hope only works with action so go get him.

Lozze

We did just have a D&M through text and I asked him if he loved me and got the 'I love you as a friend but not in a romantic way' So I now know. I honestly don't know if I love him as more than a friend but there's definite love there.

calvert6183

I would have rather you seen his eyes and honeslty, you both have alot to talk about and owe it too each other. You two have spent too much time together just to end it with a text. If that is his answer then you need to respect that I guess and distance himself from him. Im not saying move on to play with other willies like other women but I think you should take time for you and just be free and focus on you and enjoy it. If he starts texting I miss you and I wanna see you which prolly will happen will make things hard for you so you two need to set boundaries and rules and repsect them and that def should be one of them. There is nothing wrong with saying those things but too many people say it when they are lonely.

Legals81

Been there and done exactly that. When it all ended I knew it was for hte best but it still hurt. Really hurt. We tried to be friends for a few months but then he moved on and started dating someone else and that was a really tough time for me. In the end, after months of torturing myself, the only thing I could do was to cut him out of my life completely, no calls, no text, delete from facebook twitter etc and although it was hard because I still missed him, once I did that, I started to feel more myself again and one month later I met the love of my life, someone who loves me as much as I love them.

You need to take time to let yourself get over it. Dont worry about the cals! Just look after that heart of yours for the moment.

Kerri_is_so_very

Sounds like a Joan Jett situation "Hate Myself for Loving You"....

Runs to iTunes to download this immediately :drinker:

sho3girl

(((HUGS)))
Advice? Eat only GOOD ice cream, stuff that is made of sugar, cream, and flavour....and that's it. None of this "dexomethal solphate" crap.
Eat it slow. Savour every moment.
Then compare the good stuff to the crap. That is the difference between a real relationship and what you've been doing. Sure, it seems good enough, but it ain't the same.
You deserve the good stuff.
((more hugs))
[/quote

I love this analagy /..... ((((HUGHS)))))) to you too

Lozze

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I'm not going to cut the friendship. I'm already 'grieving' for the loss of intimacy. I don't make friends easily so losing one of my best friends would be devastating for me. I'm not saying it's something I'll consider but at this point in time I can't do it.