Heartbroken and next day moved on. Why?
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Yes, exactly the same thing happened with my ex. We were together for four years, were planning to move out together in a few months. He turned up a couple of months ago out of the blue and said he couldn't do it any more. He needed to be by himself and be single for a while apparently, to get back to doing things he loved. He said he still cared about me and wanted to stay friends. Two weeks later and he was seeing someone else. I don't understand how people have that little respect for the person they have shared their life with for so long, or for themselves. There is no way any rational decisions can be made about a new partner so soon, you are obviously going to have issues with your ex still. I don't understand people sometimes!
I totally agree with what you are saying. I think with some people they move on so quickly so they don't have to deal with the pain of the break up. Obviously a bad idea as they will have to deal with it at some point. I don't know how a relationship can ever go well if one of the people in it has just got out of a breakup.0 -
I agree OP - I have been separated for 18 months, will be divorced next month. As someone said, often the relationship was ending before the official end - and in my case that's true but I still fought to the end and it was my ex who decided he couldn't be bothered. I have spent the last 18 months focussing on my children, studying and getting to understand myself better and what I want out of life - he is onto his fourth relationship and has simply proven that he cannot be alone or put his children before his own wants and needs.
I would rather be on my own than be with someone just because. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be with anyone again, my ex husband was only the 3rd relationship I had ever been in.... and we were married at 27 after I had been single for about 6 years (and I mean, single single, no mucking about with anyone, no making out with random guys - just me).0 -
I agree with you. I was with someone for over 5 years (my sons father, engaged and everything) and when we broke up 18 months ago, many of my friends encouraged me to date immediately. I did and it was incredibly painful and unfair to the person I was with. I'm now committed to giving myself the alone time I deserve to heal my heart and soul. Despite what people tell me will help, I know that for me, I need to be alone and feel sad about this.
I find sadness to often be socially unacceptable. Perhaps you are having an awful day and run into a friend at the store and they ask how you are. Is it just me, or are they only asking to hear "I'm well, and you?" I'm trying to stop playing that game. People ask and I tell them the truth.
Just my random little rant here, haha.0 -
Sorry but it sounds like he was already seeing her while he was dating you.Yes, exactly the same thing happened with my ex. We were together for four years, were planning to move out together in a few months. He turned up a couple of months ago out of the blue and said he couldn't do it any more. He needed to be by himself and be single for a while apparently, to get back to doing things he loved. He said he still cared about me and wanted to stay friends. Two weeks later and he was seeing someone else. I don't understand how people have that little respect for the person they have shared their life with for so long, or for themselves. There is no way any rational decisions can be made about a new partner so soon, you are obviously going to have issues with your ex still. I don't understand people sometimes!
I totally agree with what you are saying. I think with some people they move on so quickly so they don't have to deal with the pain of the break up. Obviously a bad idea as they will have to deal with it at some point. I don't know how a relationship can ever go well if one of the people in it has just got out of a breakup.
Just because someone doesn't sit home sulking for months doesn't mean they aren't heart broken. People have different ways of dealing with things. It also doesn't mean they are incapable of being alone. The armchair psychologists in this thread obviously have no real background in psychology or sociology. The fact that person A deals with a bad breakup by going out to a club and person B locks themselves in their room and cries doesn't mean they aren't each equally hurt. They just deal with that hurt in the manner that works best for them0 -
This ^Sometimes the relationship is over before it ends. For example, a couple can try for months to fix their relationship, come slowly to the conclusion that it's not worth it, and then take some time to actually get around to breaking up. They've done most of their grieving before the relationship ended, might have an emotional spike when break-up time comes, then be fine afterwards.
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I have just ended my 12 year marriage, I have been miserable for the last 5 years. I am relieved and happier than I have been in a long time. I think I grieved for that relationship over the last 5 years. I have a fwb on the other side of the world which helps with frustration and company via skype but I am doubtful I will ever get into another relationship. Am getting too old LOL0 -
perhaps the relationship ended long before the breakup0
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It could be simply they are ready to move on but still gutted they've lost one of their best friends. With my ex ex I was gutted she was no longer around and wanting to be friends BUT moved on very quickly. I'd been with her 5 years.
My very recent ex (as of Friday
) I've only been with for 2-3 months but I'm absolutely cut to pieces. Don't see myself moving on for a very long time. She was everything to me - absolutely perfect for me in every way.
Strange how it can work.0 -
Sometimes the relationship is over before it ends. For example, a couple can try for months to fix their relationship, come slowly to the conclusion that it's not worth it, and then take some time to actually get around to breaking up. They've done most of their grieving before the relationship ended, might have an emotional spike when break-up time comes, then be fine afterwards.
It's sort of the same thing with death. If someone is really sick and suffering, their loved ones do a lot of the grieving before the person passes, are sad at the funeral, and then are comforted by the fact that the person isn't suffering anymore. Alternately, if the deceased had a good run while life lasted and passed on peacefully, they can be really sad at the beginning, but recover quickly.
Excellent example! My grandpa passed away suddenly in his sleep almost 15 years ago. He was 85 but he was fit, healthy, vibrant, energetic, etc. Then he just died. I still miss him and cry over him. In contrast, my grandma (his wife) had a stroke and brain surgery when she was 72. She not only outlived grandpa but she went on to live to be 98 years old. She was in a nursing home for the last decade of her life. By the last year she was so frail you were afraid to hug her. She couldn't really eat. She could barely even get into a wheel chair. She had such bad osteoporosis that she was completely bent over. She couldn't talk much at all. Her skin was like tissue paper. When she finally passed away it was a blessing. I mourned her of course but while grandpa's funeral was a somber occasion we were all much happier at grandma's and there was even some laughter. The different reactions doesn't mean any of us loved grandpa more than grandma. It doesn't mean that we reacted poorly to grandma's passing. It doesn't mean that we moved on quicker, were unable to cope, thought of grandma as being as replacable as a phone, are incapable of love, are shallow, or any of the other myriad of things people are saying in this thread. It just means that because of the specific situations the loss of 2 people we loved was not reacted to in the same manner.0 -
Took me over three years to recover from my last relationship. I agree with you, some people move on too fast. When I'm hurt, I need time to heal so I don't drag my baggage into the next relationship.0
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After my first proper gf and me broke up for the first time i just tried to get laid real fast,
Met some real terrible girl with a kid slept with her, called her my exs name in bed :laugh:
Then i ended up getting back with my first ex after a few months
Then it went bad again about 6 months after we got back together.
its been about 6 months since we broke up and im at a stage i dont undertsand very well i feel ok about it all and would say im over it.
then i have weird dreams about her that make it all come flying back.
So yeah im getting trolled by my dreams which sucks.
But i agree with op Me and my mates talk about how skanky woman are these days.
One gets offerd sex by a new girl atleast once a week whos in a relationship.
Then i look at my gran and grandad who have been married for 53 years.
No woman i have ever met in my generation could ever commit to that :laugh:0 -
When I love someone and it doesnt work out, I need time to heal, focus on me, and reflect. The last thing I want to do is get back out there that soon to deal with the games that come with dating. It just seems people are so replaceable these days like an iPhone. Im sure this scares people who do believe in true love.
It also seems thats the answer people give when they have friends who just got their heart destroyed is to date someone else immediately. Maybe im old or just out of touch with how things work these days. IDK. Sorry for this, just always wanted to know.
I feel the same way. It's not that I wallow in my heartbreak. But I just take lots and lots of time to get over it. I don't think it's fair to the next person that may catch feelings for you if you are still dealing with baggage.
God forbid something happen to my marriage or to my husband....but I know without a doubt I would not be rushing into another relationship.0 -
To be honest... this is happening to me now, right this minute. Just like anything else... words are just words if not put into action. Being a man of action, I don't leave anything on addressed. I gave all of me to someone I believe in, trusted with all my heart and believed everything she said including her expressions of passion and deep rooted feeling for me.
Understand that many chase dreams... I don't chase them, I make them happen!
Anyway... I feel you bro, when from everything to nothing overnight... and they say us men are bad, dogs and single minded... no man! We have feelings too, we can commit and want to.
Just so you know (not you bro, women)... no man is too big, too strong or too macho to break down and cry. When it's real... even if it wasn't for you.
As for picking up the pieces and moving on... no pieces to pick up, just moving on with an emotional limp.
You may be heartless... I am not.0 -
Anyways, I have always never understood this and maybe someone can help me understand. It seems so many people will date someone for years, married for years, love one died, or are crazy about someone will move on the next day after the breakup or divorce. I dont understand how one can be so heartbroken and claiming how much they miss and love someone and then want to date the next day.
I see it on here all the time, people post how broken they are and crying and then next day they found a new person and are crazy about them. When I love someone and it doesnt work out, I need time to heal, focus on me, and reflect. The last thing I want to do is get back out there that soon to deal with the games that come with dating. It just seems people are so replaceable these days like an iPhone. Im sure this scares people who do believe in true love.
It also seems thats the answer people give when they have friends who just got their heart destroyed is to date someone else immediately. Maybe im old or just out of touch with how things work these days. IDK. Sorry for this, just always wanted to know.
well said, I totally agree ... it takes me a while to get back into a relationship for a couple reasons 1) to heal, 2) I don't wannt bring baggage froma previous relationship into a new one0 -
OP - thanks for posting. I can explain exactly why (to a certain degree from my own personal experience).
I have been in a relationship with my OH for the past 15 years....there's still a level of love and care still there on both our parts, however, over recent years we have grown apart due to stresses and strains through work, other people etc. Or more to the point, we just can't live together.
We have lived apart for two years whilst maintaining a relationship until we moved about two years ago to our current location. At that time, we felt that it would be good to move back in together and try to have that family unity under the same roof for the sake of our little one. Unfortunately, shortly afterwards, we quickly realised it wasn't gonna work, so I got myself a little flat - however, I was still prodominently based at the house given that I still had motherly duties. In May last year I moved out properly for about 4 monhths and then moved back into the main house having gotten rid of the flat.
We love each and do care but just can't seem to live together - he's too set in his ways, stubborn, very independent and I'm just meek and can not stand up and say it's gonna be my way now, not yours for a while. So, long story short, I'm about to move out AGAIN in a few months time when we are financially able to accommodate this aswell as the extra emotional stress. Difference being, my little one will have a choice but looks as though he will be with me this time. I will still be up at the house several times a week for work related matters, and for the sake of my son.
Unfortunately, there's no going back. My Other Half (or ex - I don't even know how to refer to him these days), has a tendency to change his mind alot and I have already sensed that he'd rather not have me move out and simply carry on. THis isn't good enough for me. I need to be settled and in a happy home. Moreso for my little one.
So in answer to your question, I'm not in tears this time round, like last year. Things were great when I moved back iin last August, however, after Xmas we took on a very big extra challenge which has drained us both emotionally, financially and physically. This has had a big impact on our relationship hence why I'm moving out again soon. It's also given me time to accept things aren't ever gonna be the way I would like them, so long as we live the lifestyle we do which is a busy, chaotic, stressful one.
I'm not saying I don't love him anymore (and vice versa) - there will always be a level of love and care there - just not enough to sustain a relationship. So, overall, I've got used to the idea that we will be apart.
It's strange at the moment for me as I'm still living with him, but we both know that I will be moving in a few months. We kind of pretty much just go about our own business at the moment, yet we both still share parental responsibility as much as a happy couple with their child etc. We have to make an effort for the sake of our little one, when it comes to carrying on as normal with our son's bedtime routines, playtime, school etc. So nothings really changed on the surface at present, we just don't have the physical side of a relationship.
This will no doubt carry on as is even when we live apart. It's just the way we are. Otherwise, at the moment, I know I need time on my own for a while, but I so miss and crave true love, respect, care and attention that you get in a happy relationship.
I'd love to jump in with both feet and flirt and get out there to meet someone new, but I know that's not the answer - no matter HOW MUCH I crave that. I also need/want a f'g good shag! but hey ho...lol! For the time being, I have to be reserved and stand back a little bit. Damn it. But the MAIN POINT being is that I've gone through the greiving and acceptance at the loss of a relationship I've been in for the past 15years, hence why I don't feel guility about how I feel about the things I want ultimately at the moment. THe only thing that stops me is that I question if I'M the one that's being disrespectul given our CURRENT situation. Am i alright to look at other men, flirt and have a laugh. Some would say no. Now if I was still having physical relations with him and we were classed as a couple then I would say HELL no. So How do I get out there and find someone new without crossing those boundaries? When do I start? Can I do it now, Or wait until I've lived on my own for a good 6 months. Most probably yes, regardless of my craving of hugs, physical attention, general love and respect etc.
Those people who don't go through the acceptance stage and greivance, are not helping themselves I think personally. It's called rebounding. And I know what I've said above. you could say I feel a little bit like rebounding. Yet I've had several months to accept the inevitable.....
ANyhows, this is WAY too long a post. lol!0 -
While my situation doesn't involve a "person" per se, 3 weeks ago, my husband and I had to put down our cat we had for 15 years. Many people say to get a new pet right away but we are not ready to move on yet. It sounds silly to some people, but we have been completely heartbroken over this. I foresee a new pet sometime in the future for us to love and take care of but not right now. We will never be able to replace her. So, I can relate in a way although like I said - not with a 'person' but still a soul we loved with all our hearts just the same. Until we have our own baby, she was our baby. Talk about hard to get back into the diet-workout routine! Just now getting back into it after 3 weeks ... 0
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If something happened between myself and my husband, I cannot imagine going out and looking for someone else. We built a whole life together: home and children. Couldn't imagine it being any other way.0
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Just because someone doesn't sit home sulking for months doesn't mean they aren't heart broken. People have different ways of dealing with things. It also doesn't mean they are incapable of being alone. The armchair psychologists in this thread obviously have no real background in psychology or sociology. The fact that person A deals with a bad breakup by going out to a club and person B locks themselves in their room and cries doesn't mean they aren't each equally hurt. They just deal with that hurt in the manner that works best for them
^Precisely. :flowerforyou:
Sorry to those who disagree, but if someone dumps me, cheats on me, etc...it already means I wasn't worth it to them. So I should have done what, exactly? Acted like I was worthless and shunned away from the world? No thanks.
Life is way too short to waste on sulking and feeling down and not enjoying love, no matter the form. If you find someone you'd like to be with, and it's "so soon after" a break-up, who cares? Why waste precious time out of your life wondering "Well gee, other people feel I should wait, so I guess that's what I have to do." Do what makes YOU happy.
I'd bet all the money in my checking account that over half of the people putting down people who "jump into it" after a break-up or loss have done exactly what they're saying is "bad," anyway.0 -
Like others have said people are different and respond to break up differently, don't be surprised though if a lot of the people who look like they're over it are still hurting inside and just don't want to show it for whatever reason, maybe they want to show the other person they're happy without them or maybe they just don't want to accept they're heart broken.0
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Two situations. When my fiancee passed away, it took me a year before I could think about dating again.
My ex was with his girlfriend for 8 years before she died of cancer in Feb. The other day on Facebook he posts how he wants to get out there and start dating again.
But I know my ex....boy do I know him. He wants the sex. Plus he is not the emotional type...he never was. Thats not to say he didnt grieve...I am sure he did. But its not something he would dwell on.0 -
The length of time a person spends moping and whining does not make them better than anyone else.0
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Like others have said people are different and respond to break up differently, don't be surprised though if a lot of the people who look like they're over it are still hurting inside and just don't want to show it for whatever reason, maybe they want to show the other person they're happy without them or maybe they just don't want to accept they're heart broken.
I have to agree with you on this one. Although I say I'm over it and accepted my situation, deep down after 15 years of being someone, it hurts to realise you maybe weren't suited to eachother. We've gone through A LOT together too. So many many ups and down, good times, bad times, stresses, strains, memorable occcasions. All of which I will never forget, but cherish. I don't regret the last 15 years. I wouldn't be the person I am or have learnt the things I have in all kinds of different levels, without my OH.
But I do know we will ALWAYS be very good friends. We've helped each other through so much over the years.0 -
It could be that someone thought they were heartbroken, then realized they were better off, and they were ready to move on.0
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The length of time a person spends moping and whining does not make them better than anyone else.
Not everyone who loses someone mopes and whines...sometimes its an inner struggle. Guilt, anger, sorrow...all that I kept inside and pretended it didnt bother me. But I realized that I couldnt just go out with someone right after Jim died...it wouldnt have been fair to the OTHER person as much as me. Its not like going out and getting another dog when your dog dies....as a replacement. You cant do that with people.0 -
Its really interesting seeing so many different views on this.0
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I've lost a love due to death and one due to divorce and I grieved both differently, but both took me at least 3 years to move on. The first one because my heart was broken and the 2nd one because my head was broken. My ex-husband did a number on me mentally and it has really taken me this long to get my head straightened out. However, I also have 2 young children now...which they do kind of put a monkey wrench on the dating scene! 3 years post divorce my life is very much in order and even my 7 year old thinks our house is lonely without a "dad" around and she has been encouraging me to meet someone lately. I guess this is the push I need
I have friends that are like you stated and very simply put they don't like to be alone. Sad, but true.0 -
Well, you know the saying
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else......
This. I may have not been over someone, or completely healed, but that didnt mean i couldn't spend some of that time in someone's arms for a night.
Now the dating part... f- that. I tried dating right after my divorce, ugh! HELL. So i just stayed single, went to work(nurse, long unusual hours) and had a few one night stands till Mr.Right came along. Worked well for me.0 -
Some people are incapable of being alone. The need to be in a relationship of any type to validate thier self worth, attractiveness and value as a human being.
It's really quite sad and I admit I fell into that category after my marriage ended. I jumped right into another relationship, because I was feeling rejected, unvalued, and unattractive.0 -
I agree with you I need time to heal, I believe in true love and also think that if you truly love someone that feeling never goes away no matter what happen or how hurt you. Moving on is not always the answer but sometimes helps you to accept that the other person is longer in your life. I have been hurt and missing someone for years, I loved them unconditionally but I love myself to and know that I deserve to be loved in the same fashion!0
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Anyways, I have always never understood this and maybe someone can help me understand. It seems so many people will date someone for years, married for years, love one died, or are crazy about someone will move on the next day after the breakup or divorce. I dont understand how one can be so heartbroken and claiming how much they miss and love someone and then want to date the next day.
I see it on here all the time, people post how broken they are and crying and then next day they found a new person and are crazy about them. When I love someone and it doesnt work out, I need time to heal, focus on me, and reflect. The last thing I want to do is get back out there that soon to deal with the games that come with dating. It just seems people are so replaceable these days like an iPhone. Im sure this scares people who do believe in true love.
It also seems thats the answer people give when they have friends who just got their heart destroyed is to date someone else immediately. Maybe im old or just out of touch with how things work these days. IDK. Sorry for this, just always wanted to know.
I totally agree with this. I've been separated from my ex for 3 years now and only have the odd desire to meet someone else. It comes, but quickly leaves. Although I can see how someone might actually be ready to move on the day after if perhaps they've been "leaving" the person in their thoughts for the last couple of years. By the time they actually separate...the relationship was dead and gone long ago and they have only minor issues in moving on.0 -
Well, you know the saying
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else......
This. I may have not been over someone, or completely healed, but that didnt mean i couldn't spend some of that time in someone's arms for a night.
Now the dating part... f- that. I tried dating right after my divorce, ugh! HELL. So i just stayed single, went to work(nurse, long unusual hours) and had a few one night stands till Mr.Right came along. Worked well for me.
^^^^^This :drinker: :drinker: :drinker:0
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