Heartbroken and next day moved on. Why?

JanetLM73

I'm married, but if we were to break up I would take time for myself. I was never one to jump right into a relationship after a break up.

sel254

I know exactly what you mean. I was with my childhood sweetheart for 10 years before he died. I was only 21 and he was 23 when he passed away. That was 6 and a half years ago and I'm STILL single. I barely even spoke to any men for the first 4 years and was just concentrating on grieving and "healing". I officially started dating again at the end of 2010 but still have not found someone I want to be in a relationship with. I don't want to be "with" someone just for the sake of it so I will keep holding out until I find someone who I know is right for me. People throw the "L" word out there way too soon in a relationship if you ask me. I've had guys tell me they love me on a third date but when I point out that I don't know them well enough yet to love them, they love someone else the next week. Oh well...life goes on. I'm sure there's someone out there who will respect the fact that I need to do things in my own way and at my own pace My favourite saying actually came from an old colleague of mine in the Army - he said " Sel, you need a knight in shining armour, not a tosser in tin foil". Damn right!

bathsheba_c

Sometimes the relationship is over before it ends. For example, a couple can try for months to fix their relationship, come slowly to the conclusion that it's not worth it, and then take some time to actually get around to breaking up. They've done most of their grieving before the relationship ended, might have an emotional spike when break-up time comes, then be fine afterwards.

It's sort of the same thing with death. If someone is really sick and suffering, their loved ones do a lot of the grieving before the person passes, are sad at the funeral, and then are comforted by the fact that the person isn't suffering anymore. Alternately, if the deceased had a good run while life lasted and passed on peacefully, they can be really sad at the beginning, but recover quickly.

StarvingDiva

Because most of the time, they have known it was over for a very long time before getting up the courage to end it.

calvert6183

Some don't like the feeling of being alone

I get that but its crazy to me that some cant be alone for one night. Maybe im just too independent. IDK.

Bahet

I knew my husband was the one I wanted to be with almost immediately. He took 4 1/2 years of convincing though. He actually thought he would be giving something up by getting married to me. :laugh: If it wasn't for me he'd be broke, living in an apartment, and scrounging for pizza money in the couch. :laugh: (He'd be the first to admit that too.) Anyhow, at 2 points while we were dating he got cold feet and wanted to see other people. 1 time we just moved back to dating but free to see others and the other we broke up completely for 2 months. I was absolutely heartbroken each time. But I also went out and dated other people.

I don't regret it a bit and it's not even that I "moved on." I KNEW hubby and I were supposed to be together but I wanted to show him that he wasn't my only option and he was lucky I chose him, not just the other way around. He hadn't really thought about that. He figured he could go out and date others and I'd be sitting at home crying to my roommate and missing him. He didn't much like that the very first party we both went to after we broke up involved me getting hit on by several guys. We were actually at his fraternity house at the time and I knew all the guys. They didn't much care for other guys hitting on me either and they threw 2 of them out and tried to intimidate a few others. :laugh:

I never really cared about any of the other guys I dated but I also made it clear to them that I wasn't looking for a relationship. I figured if he was free to see what else was out there then so was I. I didn't see the point in sitting around sulking while he went out on dates with other girls.

fitpilatesqueen

So wrong. People should take time to recover. You can´t substitude someone like that, that way you don´t heal. My feeling is that people are not as much in touch with their feelings, they just go on like robots, this has made me not want to date. The fact that people disrespect and take others for granted makes me not want to date and I could go on but I won´t

LifeChangingExp

The last thing I'd want is another jail term, no thank you. A no strings attached would be perfect. :bigsmile:

mommajolynn

I'm like you OP. I can't just break up with someone I have been with for a while then jump into another relationship right away. But then again my relationships never seem to last past a year so.. lol

The people that do that were probably so used to having someone constantly that to go without some there was very difficult.
After I moved back to SA from living in Austin with my bf/fiance it was so rough sleeping alone that I started sleeping with a giant stuffed tiger. Weird I know but it helped me cope.

mandi2r

After my 3-yr childish relationship ended, it was 2 weeks before I dated. But it was all the wrong guys.
It was a total of 6 months till I would consider myself healed from that relationship.

Then on the 7th month, I met someone and I'm still with him to this date (coming up on 4 yrs) and I don't see how I could get rid of him :P

thirtytwopostcards

Yes, exactly the same thing happened with my ex. We were together for four years, were planning to move out together in a few months. He turned up a couple of months ago out of the blue and said he couldn't do it any more. He needed to be by himself and be single for a while apparently, to get back to doing things he loved. He said he still cared about me and wanted to stay friends. Two weeks later and he was seeing someone else. I don't understand how people have that little respect for the person they have shared their life with for so long, or for themselves. There is no way any rational decisions can be made about a new partner so soon, you are obviously going to have issues with your ex still. I don't understand people sometimes!

I totally agree with what you are saying. I think with some people they move on so quickly so they don't have to deal with the pain of the break up. Obviously a bad idea as they will have to deal with it at some point. I don't know how a relationship can ever go well if one of the people in it has just got out of a breakup.

NomadicKris

I agree OP - I have been separated for 18 months, will be divorced next month. As someone said, often the relationship was ending before the official end - and in my case that's true but I still fought to the end and it was my ex who decided he couldn't be bothered. I have spent the last 18 months focussing on my children, studying and getting to understand myself better and what I want out of life - he is onto his fourth relationship and has simply proven that he cannot be alone or put his children before his own wants and needs.

I would rather be on my own than be with someone just because. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be with anyone again, my ex husband was only the 3rd relationship I had ever been in.... and we were married at 27 after I had been single for about 6 years (and I mean, single single, no mucking about with anyone, no making out with random guys - just me).

abetterjune

I agree with you. I was with someone for over 5 years (my sons father, engaged and everything) and when we broke up 18 months ago, many of my friends encouraged me to date immediately. I did and it was incredibly painful and unfair to the person I was with. I'm now committed to giving myself the alone time I deserve to heal my heart and soul. Despite what people tell me will help, I know that for me, I need to be alone and feel sad about this.

I find sadness to often be socially unacceptable. Perhaps you are having an awful day and run into a friend at the store and they ask how you are. Is it just me, or are they only asking to hear "I'm well, and you?" I'm trying to stop playing that game. People ask and I tell them the truth.

Just my random little rant here, haha.

Bahet

Yes, exactly the same thing happened with my ex. We were together for four years, were planning to move out together in a few months. He turned up a couple of months ago out of the blue and said he couldn't do it any more. He needed to be by himself and be single for a while apparently, to get back to doing things he loved. He said he still cared about me and wanted to stay friends. Two weeks later and he was seeing someone else. I don't understand how people have that little respect for the person they have shared their life with for so long, or for themselves. There is no way any rational decisions can be made about a new partner so soon, you are obviously going to have issues with your ex still. I don't understand people sometimes!

I totally agree with what you are saying. I think with some people they move on so quickly so they don't have to deal with the pain of the break up. Obviously a bad idea as they will have to deal with it at some point. I don't know how a relationship can ever go well if one of the people in it has just got out of a breakup.

Sorry but it sounds like he was already seeing her while he was dating you.



Just because someone doesn't sit home sulking for months doesn't mean they aren't heart broken. People have different ways of dealing with things. It also doesn't mean they are incapable of being alone. The armchair psychologists in this thread obviously have no real background in psychology or sociology. The fact that person A deals with a bad breakup by going out to a club and person B locks themselves in their room and cries doesn't mean they aren't each equally hurt. They just deal with that hurt in the manner that works best for them

ShareeMorty

Sometimes the relationship is over before it ends. For example, a couple can try for months to fix their relationship, come slowly to the conclusion that it's not worth it, and then take some time to actually get around to breaking up. They've done most of their grieving before the relationship ended, might have an emotional spike when break-up time comes, then be fine afterwards.

.

This ^

I have just ended my 12 year marriage, I have been miserable for the last 5 years. I am relieved and happier than I have been in a long time. I think I grieved for that relationship over the last 5 years. I have a fwb on the other side of the world which helps with frustration and company via skype but I am doubtful I will ever get into another relationship. Am getting too old LOL

AnninStPaul

perhaps the relationship ended long before the breakup

Matt_Wild

It could be simply they are ready to move on but still gutted they've lost one of their best friends. With my ex ex I was gutted she was no longer around and wanting to be friends BUT moved on very quickly. I'd been with her 5 years.

My very recent ex (as of Friday ) I've only been with for 2-3 months but I'm absolutely cut to pieces. Don't see myself moving on for a very long time. She was everything to me - absolutely perfect for me in every way.

Strange how it can work.

Bahet

Sometimes the relationship is over before it ends. For example, a couple can try for months to fix their relationship, come slowly to the conclusion that it's not worth it, and then take some time to actually get around to breaking up. They've done most of their grieving before the relationship ended, might have an emotional spike when break-up time comes, then be fine afterwards.

It's sort of the same thing with death. If someone is really sick and suffering, their loved ones do a lot of the grieving before the person passes, are sad at the funeral, and then are comforted by the fact that the person isn't suffering anymore. Alternately, if the deceased had a good run while life lasted and passed on peacefully, they can be really sad at the beginning, but recover quickly.

Excellent example! My grandpa passed away suddenly in his sleep almost 15 years ago. He was 85 but he was fit, healthy, vibrant, energetic, etc. Then he just died. I still miss him and cry over him. In contrast, my grandma (his wife) had a stroke and brain surgery when she was 72. She not only outlived grandpa but she went on to live to be 98 years old. She was in a nursing home for the last decade of her life. By the last year she was so frail you were afraid to hug her. She couldn't really eat. She could barely even get into a wheel chair. She had such bad osteoporosis that she was completely bent over. She couldn't talk much at all. Her skin was like tissue paper. When she finally passed away it was a blessing. I mourned her of course but while grandpa's funeral was a somber occasion we were all much happier at grandma's and there was even some laughter. The different reactions doesn't mean any of us loved grandpa more than grandma. It doesn't mean that we reacted poorly to grandma's passing. It doesn't mean that we moved on quicker, were unable to cope, thought of grandma as being as replacable as a phone, are incapable of love, are shallow, or any of the other myriad of things people are saying in this thread. It just means that because of the specific situations the loss of 2 people we loved was not reacted to in the same manner.

Maude_Lewbowski

Took me over three years to recover from my last relationship. I agree with you, some people move on too fast. When I'm hurt, I need time to heal so I don't drag my baggage into the next relationship.

fraser112

After my first proper gf and me broke up for the first time i just tried to get laid real fast,
Met some real terrible girl with a kid slept with her, called her my exs name in bed :laugh:
Then i ended up getting back with my first ex after a few months
Then it went bad again about 6 months after we got back together.
its been about 6 months since we broke up and im at a stage i dont undertsand very well i feel ok about it all and would say im over it.
then i have weird dreams about her that make it all come flying back.

So yeah im getting trolled by my dreams which sucks.

But i agree with op Me and my mates talk about how skanky woman are these days.
One gets offerd sex by a new girl atleast once a week whos in a relationship.

Then i look at my gran and grandad who have been married for 53 years.
No woman i have ever met in my generation could ever commit to that :laugh: