Does anyone else struggle with their stepchildren?

britneyblonde

Hi everyone,

Looking for someone who can relate to what im going through. Im engaged to be married next summer and i love my fiance more than anything in the world. We've been together 3 years, lived together a year and a half, got engaged last xmas and the wedding is next summer. Really excited about getting married! My fiance also has a 5year old son from a previous relationship who up until now has stayed with us every weekend.

My fiance never told me about his son when we first starting dating incase it scared me off, i found out after about a month - by which time i liked him too much to walk away. I suppose i thought to myself, how hard can it be? He had him Saturday morning - Sunday night so we either all done something together or i left him to it and saw him Sunday night once he had taken him home.

The ex girlfriend is something else! The child was unplanned and my fiance was really upset about it at the time. He had been planning to leave and was devastated at the thought of having kids to her as were his family. She has never worked a day in her life nor has her parents, she drank and smoked all the way through her pregnancy and still does on a daily basis. The only person i know to have a drink problem at 23. She hangs about in bad crowds, has parties every night, doesnt discipline the child at all. She literally just lets him do whatever he wants. Never puts him to bed, lets him swear - basically allows him to be a wild child and doesnt seem to care wether he behaves or not.

Despite all this my fiance is the best dad in the world and loves him more than anything. He has no relationship with her at all other than arranging collection times. He has no respect for her as a mother at all.

Can i just point out that he is nothing like her! Dont know how he ever ended up in her company in the first place!

Anyways, since moving in together i have really struggled. The child is wild all day on a Saturday, its impossible to get him to sleep at night because his mother doesnt put him to bed....she just lets him drop whenever he wants! I get in from work on a Sunday morning at 4am and hes awake around 6/7am shouting and running around. It drives me mad!!!!!

I know it sounds so selfish but im only 25, i dont have any kids. If i wanted to listen to all that then id have my own. I realise all kids are like this but when you dont have any kids having someone elses wild child coming into your home for the full weekend - making a mess, running around shouting, misbehaving etc it can be trying. I am literally tearing my hair out come Sunday.

The child answers back a lot with 'mum lets me shout'......'mum lets me lie'.......'mum lets me stay up all night' Ahhhhh!

We've spoke about what would happen if my fiance ever got full custody and he told me it would never happen. I always try remember this at the weekends when my house is getting turned upside down. I know i couldnt cope with full custody no matter how hard i tried.

He started school last August and is now having to repeat primary one as he has missed 47days since August because his mum is too hungover/cant be bothered taking him to school! Now hes at school its getting harder for her to be worst mum in the world as teachers etc are noticing, not just us.

Now the social workers are involved and as of last week we have full custody for the time being as shes been thrown out her house for anti social behaviour.

I know i sound like the wicked stepmother and its the child who everyone should be thinking of and dont get me wrong, i have tried. Throughout the last 3years we have had a pretty good relationship, i make the effort to spend time with them both and we try do everything his mum doesnt do for him. Hes really badly behaved though and ADHD. Im starting to dread the weekends more and more and now im worried his mother isnt going to get him back. Im worried about how ill cope and how can i possibly get married when im so miserable at the weekends?

I love my fiance more than anything. Taking on someone with kids is HARD. But going from the weekends to full time is a completely different scenario. It sounds so selfish but its not the life i want. I want to enjoy my life with him before we are married. I dont want to take on another womans child because she cant be bothered doing it herself.

People say 'oh well you cant really love your fiance because if you did you would love his son who is a part of him' but its not true. I love him so much, id never get over him. If i never loved him i would have left already.

You dont realise how hard it is until your in love and by that point your stuck. Stay with the love of my life and be miserable every weekend?? (Thats if it goes back to being weekends and doesnt stay full time) Or leave him and be heartbroken and even more miserable??

Please someone tell me they understand!!

And if people are going to throw comments about how selfish i am for not loving someone elses child, please dont reply unless you have been through the same thing yourself.

:-(

daisyhougan

I don't think you're selfish but I do think you're in a difficult situation.
I completley sympathize with the idea that you're not ready to be a mom. I wasn't ready at 25 either and I think it's good that you know it.
Having said that, your wonderful BFcomes with a kid and I have to say that I feel sympathetic to all involved except actual mom.
You're in a hard spot having to deal with the child's behavior on the weekends.
Your boyfriend's in a hard situation because he's trying to be a good dad when the mom's allowing the kid to run wild.
And that poor child! Can you imagine his life during the week when he's not with you and your BF? It must be horrible! You two may be the only structure and safety and routine the poor child has in his life.
So I'm going to throw my two cents in....BF isn't perfect because (as awful as it sounds) he comes tied up with wild child when you'd probably prefer he didn't. But isn't it wonderful that he's trying to do the right thing? It says a lot about the sort of person he is. At the end of the day, though, you may need to decided if the wonderful parts of your relationship outweigh the horribleness of the dealing with the child. It may be that through interactions with the school, mom may get some support, parenting classes, something? (Miracles can happen, right?) And to throw it out there, it may be easier longterm to have wild child fulltime rather than just on the weekends. If you have him full-time, it'll be horrible short-term but once he realizes that you two expect him to act sane and follow certain rules instead of yo-yoing back and forth between different expectations. Hope all turns out in the best possible way for everyone but I don't think there's a perfect solution.

britneyblonde

I don't think you're selfish but I do think you're in a difficult situation.
I completley sympathize with the idea that you're not ready to be a mom. I wasn't ready at 25 either and I think it's good that you know it.
Having said that, your wonderful BFcomes with a kid and I have to say that I feel sympathetic to all involved except actual mom.
You're in a hard spot having to deal with the child's behavior on the weekends.
Your boyfriend's in a hard situation because he's trying to be a good dad when the mom's allowing the kid to run wild.
And that poor child! Can you imagine his life during the week when he's not with you and your BF? It must be horrible! You two may be the only structure and safety and routine the poor child has in his life.
So I'm going to throw my two cents in....BF isn't perfect because (as awful as it sounds) he comes tied up with wild child when you'd probably prefer he didn't. But isn't it wonderful that he's trying to do the right thing? It says a lot about the sort of person he is. At the end of the day, though, you may need to decided if the wonderful parts of your relationship outweigh the horribleness of the dealing with the child. It may be that through interactions with the school, mom may get some support, parenting classes, something? (Miracles can happen, right?) And to throw it out there, it may be easier longterm to have wild child fulltime rather than just on the weekends. If you have him full-time, it'll be horrible short-term but once he realizes that you two expect him to act sane and follow certain rules instead of yo-yoing back and forth between different expectations. Hope all turns out in the best possible way for everyone but I don't think there's a perfect solution.

Thanks Daisy.

I know the child is the one who is suffering the most and i understand that. I also understand that its not fair on him to have me not wanting him around, its not his fault. I just find it so unfair that i need to take over her role as a full time mum because she cant be bothered. If i wanted to play mum 7days a week id have kids of my own. I wanted us to enjoy life before the wedding and make the most of our time before kids come along full time. I feel like shes snatched that away from me. Now im going to struggle either way. Struggle to cope with it, or struggle to move on once iv left behind everything i had......

toomuchsweetness

I feel like I am the person who can save the world one person at a time..... if it were me and I was given this child to raise I would take the bull by the horns and lay down the rules in YOUR house. Children adapt easily and now that he lives with you the whole time it should be easier to "control" his behavior , but only if your fiance is in agreement with you. If there is alot of headbutting going on about decisions there is definitely troubled waters ahead for you. This child didnt ask to be born and we cannot fault him for being here... but, at the same time he deserves love and nurturing, something his biological mother cannot give him. If the child learns your way of life and the rules you set, you might find him to be a great kid. I wish you luck, blending families isnt an easy thing to do. Children need structure, limititations, and rules. They may not like them initially, but your home will be much happier if you set the standards... give it a try.

NomadicKris

Hi,

I don't have the emotional energy to reply to you tonight but can you pm me so I remember to send you a message over the next day or so?

I get it. Believe me, I get everything you have just said. You aren't selfish - but there is so much more I can say too.

Please pm me - sorry I just have a few other things going on and can't do it right now.

Kris.

vim_n_vigor

bump to respond later

brneydgrlie

I have 2 wonderful stepkids, one with special needs. I understand where you are coming from.

Sounds like several things are going on. You two having custody of him may just be a Godsend right now. Here's my 2 cents:

1) This boy is starving for attention. He is also testing your boundries and limits. Stay strong and keep doing what you have been.

2) ADHD can be affected tremendously by diet. Symptoms tend to be worsened by food additives - especially red food coloring. Also, it has been found that aggressive behavior in children can very often be traced back to a sensitivity to corn.

3) He also sounds like he is sleep deprived. It may take a few weeks, but you will most likely see a drastic improvement just by getting him on a regular sleep schedule. Can dad read him bedtime stories? That may help with the attention thing, while making him feel like it is OK to be in bed and he is not missing out on anything.

4) Whatever you do, do NOT say anything bad about his mom in front of him. You can teach him much more by being a positive example than you can through words. With the "Mum lets me___" just let him know that while he is with daddy, he is to follow daddy's rules, just like when he is in school he is to follow the school's rules. It's just the way life works.

Spice_4_Life

I feel like I am the person who can save the world one person at a time..... if it were me and I was given this child to raise I would take the bull by the horns and lay down the rules in YOUR house. Children adapt easily and now that he lives with you the whole time it should be easier to "control" his behavior , but only if your fiance is in agreement with you. If there is alot of headbutting going on about decisions there is definitely troubled waters ahead for you. This child didnt ask to be born and we cannot fault him for being here... but, at the same time he deserves love and nurturing, something his biological mother cannot give him. If the child learns your way of life and the rules you set, you might find him to be a great kid. I wish you luck, blending families isnt an easy thing to do. Children need structure, limititations, and rules. They may not like them initially, but your home will be much happier if you set the standards... give it a try.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It is really tough not having your own children and then poof you have a troubled child put in the mix. I so agree with the above comment. It's tough to do, but the child does need structure and lots of love. I hope everthing works out for you. Thoughts are with you!!!

chicpeach

23 years ago, I found myself in a situation very similar to yours. My stepson was 9 at the time and lived with us during the week and spent every other weekend with his mother (theoretically anyway, if she didn't have anything better to do that weekend, she'd take him).

His mom was also a piece of work. Her own life and the endless parade of boyfriends and such was a priority for her. It was very hard emotionally for him to see his mom's life in such a state of flux, with little to any structure, but he didn't vocalize that. The only structure he got was when he was with us. Believe me, there was a lot of rebelliousness as he tested us and in particular me.

I didn't have any of my own at the time, so all of a sudden I was the mother of a 9 year old, with all the responsibilities and obligations. He didn't make it easy. He was placed in behavioral disorders classes at school and remained there into high school where his rebellious streak now turned to smoking, alcohol and drugs.

It took setting a lot of limits, enforcing them with both discipline and love. It took me proving to him that time and time again he could stumble, he could fall, but I'd still there. It took the two of us working together as husband and wife, committed to a strong and loving relationship with each other, to prove relationships can be steadfast, dependable and durable.

Today, my son is 32. He's married, has 3 kids of his own and we have a great relationship. I still remember the day he listed me as family on facebook. He listed me as his mother. His own mother questioned this and seemed hurt. But we both knew who really raised him and the acknowledgement was valid.

My best advice to you is to hang in there. Don't be swayed, don't give in. Love strong. You have something to prove, do it. You can do this. You and your fiance can do this together. You'll need his support in this and as long as you have that, it's totally doable.

TourThePast

Is there anyone who doesn't struggle with stepchildren?

At least he's young, so you CAN be in charge and take on a parental-type role. Be strong, be kind, set boundaries, set rules on appropriate behaviour and INSIST that your partner backs you up in enforcing them. On pain of emasculation if necessary, he needs to be behind you 100% on this.

You didn't "sign up" for this, when you fell in love with him you didn't even know this child existed, and you need to consider whether or not this is what you want for the rest of your life. Because it does sound as if you might end up with this child full time. Which is a LOT to take on.

At the very least I'd advise you not to get married until you're a LOT happier about the future.

Perhaps when he learns that he cannot get away with behaving badly in your home, and when you get to know each other a bit better, you'll be able to imagine life with him full time in terms other than in absolute horror! :bigsmile:

oneoddsock

I'm in a similar situation, but with a 10-year-old step-daughter to be whose mother can be a nightmare sometimes.

You definitely need to get your stepson-to-be to understand that different houses have different rules - it doesn't matter what happens at Mum's house, this is how it's done at Dad's house. Also, he needs to understand that your house is YOUR house as well as his Dad's. Boundaries are very important. You'll also need to get your fiance on side; if you tell your stepson off, he can't go whinging to his Dad and get a totally different response. This undermines you and confuses the little boy; it doesn't help anyone. Talk to your fiance and gently remind him that you're learning to be a parent with a child who isn't your own, so you didn't start out from a point of unconditional love like he did.

It can be horrible when you're faced with a child who isn't your own who is being a pain and you feel completely lumbered. It definitely takes patience to build a solid relationship, and it will get a bit easier as he gets older and becomes more aware of your emotions and the effect his actions have on them. My step-daughter-to-be sometimes accidentally calls me "Mum", which is both terrifying (I'm not legally old enough to be your mother! Stop it!) but she looks up to me and that feels amazing.

Hang in there - if his dad is worth it, then your stepson is too.

Temple_Fit

I'm going to tell you what I didn't have the heart to tell my friend. If you can't love and except his child, don't marry that man. I watched my girlfriend go though the exact same thing and it destroyed their marriage and my girlfriend mentally miss treated her stepson, especially when she had her kids, and his behavior got worse.

FoodieGal09

Ok, I suppose the first things you need to address are with your fiancé. Does he want you to be a co-parent to this child? What is your role going to be? Are you going to be part of disciplining this child? Does he want you to treat this child like your own?
Those are important questions.
Another thing is, please don't resent this child. He is a product of his environment and it is not his fault that his mom is useless. He's also faced major upheaval- being removed from his home and his mom? Any kid would act out.

What I would do when he misbehaves and comes out with "But my mom lets me...."- "SKid, That is great. But this is not your mom's home, so we are not following your mom's rules. You will respect our rules while you are in this house."

Basically, all these issues can be helped by you and fiancé being on the same team.
If you really can't come to love this kid, or treat him with love and kindness- my only advice is to leave. This kid will always be a part of your DF's life. It will only generate misery and resentment if you dislike this kid then he picks up on it and starts disliking you back. Remember, this child is an innocent. He may be a brat, but he wasn't born one. He was made one.

beauty2323

I understand your struggle. My case is a bit different... My husband has the baby mother (aka Egg donor) & grandmother (egg donor's mom) from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol
Basically he knocked up a hoe... and a few months after my step daughter was born the hoe got knocked up by another man! She has two kids and she's only 20 or 21 now. The grandmother takes care the kids & we have my step daughter some weekends.

Anyway, I have a great relationship with my step daughter... she adores me & she would even get hit for me. smh
They don't let me speak to her over the phone... but anytime she tells her Dad to tell me she loves me she would get hit or they would just hang up the phone. It's a shame bc you would think you would be happy someone loves your daughter & takes care of her.

Anyway my advice to you is YOU & YOUR husband set rules & punish him when he disobeys. It can't be just you & it can't be just him. He has to respect both of you & it just doesn't seem like he does. Kids need structure & you have to sit down with him and talk to him. Ask him why do you need to shout... do you feel as if you aren't be heard? When you sit down with a kid and speak to them "kind of" like their an adult... they actually start discussing things you had no idea was going on.
They can't be any distractions... maybe start out by asking them about their dreams & what are things they want. There needs to be some incentives too.... like "if you clean your room we can go to that toy store and get......." "If you keep shouting you will go on time out & there will be no play time for the rest of the day"
Of course any kid that hasn't been discipline will fight it... they may say they hate you & blah blah blah..... but eventually they will appreciate it. Ask them after the punishment... "do you know why i put you on punishment..... " & explain to them how you don't like putting them on punishment but how important it is for them to listen & respect.

It's hard... & just bc my bond with my step daughter is good does not mean its not challenging. She still is her mom's kid & sometimes that attitude comes out & kids will always be kids. Sometimes it hurts how I wish I could of been her mom .... how I do want full custody but how could I take her away from her brother...

Being a step parent isn't easy but your man & his son come as a package. You can't love one & not the other. Its something you have to accept. & HE HAS TO HELP YOU!!!!
& when your step son says my mum let's me do this/ that.. tell him "Well you are not at your mom's house.... your at Daddy's & my house.. & we have rules here & you have to follow them" ...........

Be strong.. & after punishment explain why & ask him if he understands why.

LooseWheel

I am not a stepmum. I have had stepmums in my life. But my reply comes from working with separated parents at a children's contact centre for the past few years. The very best thing I can say is, firstly - good on you mate. Huge pat on the back. I can also say your BF is prob thinking the same things as you have mentioned, he has found a love in his life ready to accept him and pretty much ready to accept his child in all these cyclonic situations. He will be seeking reasurance just the same as the child will be to form trust.

The best thing for the kid is actually routine and this is the first time he will have it, and the first time he will have an opportunity to grow and develop as a child should in a stable environment and regular routine lifestyle. He will thrive. It will take time. It is hard to get into 'child focused' mindset as he isn't yours. Dont feel guilty, the thoughts you are having a all normal and not selfish. They are simply thoughts that raise further questions. Take the time to answer those questions. You are doing the right thing seeking support and feedback too. You need to talk to your partner of all things as you both need to find out what is on your mind, what are you immediate concerns, worries and cares. If your partner is willing to take in his child full time alongside you as his partner, it says a lot for what he thinks of you. He thinks you are a suitable role model for his child. A suitable Mum and his choice for his child.

Work alongside schools, child cares, doctors involved in that childs life and try to make the very best of it. You do need to remember this though....You need to make sure you make 'WE', 'ME' and 'US' time in your lives. The 'ME' time is for you as individual adults, both of you individually need to find your very own 'ME' time, activity or hobby even. You need to find an activity every day or at least weekly, for yourself that is on your own and is for your complete benefit. Your individual 'ME' time should also include a separate social group. Yes you can have a united social group but also have times alone for just the girls and just the boys, this keeps the relationship interesting just like when you first dated. You get to go out with your friends and then come together as a couple and have stuff to chat about. Keeps you interested in each other and what you are both doing individually. Next is the 'WE' time and this is as a group, as a family unit. A 'WE' activity for the three of you together that is regular and focused on you all as a family unit. Something your son likes to do, a sporting activity, riding bikes, going somewhere regular where you can interact together. The other is the 'US' time and this cant just be left to climbing into bed next to each other, talking and/or sex. It needs to be an 'US' time that is going out together away from your son, away from friends. You need to make a 'date' night. All this ME WE and US talk is focusing on balance in your lives. Balance that considers all family members and for a family to work, all members of the family unit need to be considered.

Every relationship on average can go through a 'rough spot' every 7 years or so. Its quite natural. So having a date night, keeping a regular routine of 'WE', 'ME' and 'US' ensures a balance in all relationships within the household and can potentially avoid this rough spot appearing. You dont want that of course, no one does, so this is only said as a preventative method only, nothing to do with how you guys are going at the moment because planning weddings says stable relationship and good things are in place for you both!

You may want to find an activity that is focused on you and your son and your partner and his son. Just groups of 2 activities. There are multiple relationships going on this household.

Of all things, routine and stability are going to be what works best for your young man. he will do a lot better than what his Mums prior belief of 'give him what he wants and he will always love mummy the most', just wont work. Kids totally need and want structure. Routine gives structure. It teaches kids life skills and gives them the base grounding for what is expected in life at school, for when he goes to work and as an adult. He will eventually learn that his dad and step mum care the very most because they have given and taught him 'guidelines' moreso than a 'couldn't care less' attitiude that the idea of do what you want inadvertantly gives out. The natural mothers eventual mistake!

You have to not take the comments he throws personnally. He says them to get a reaction and probably even because his Mum might have set him up to say them. He could very well be repeating things his mother has said due to her anger and issues over the prior relationship that didn't work with the father. Her loss. Now you can be the winner by letting the 'little stuff slide'. Dont sweat the small things as you will get angry all too often and the child will feel like he is winning. You need to show him you are in control at all times. The words he says are just that, words. Kids really dont mean them, they are just trying to get you to react. So the less you react to harsh comments from the kid, the less frequent they will occur. If you respond in kind, in the same manner as the child with angry words and harsh disconnected words, he will be the winner and have control over the situation. You cannot ever let him think he has 'gotten to you'. You are the parent. You are in control and you will win all situations mentally even if they feel like they are failing emotionally/verbally.

Stay in control or at least look like you are staying in control by only ever getting angry out of sight. Give yourself 'time out' and walk away to another room, scream into a pillow, sit in the car and yell expletives till your heart rate is pumped and finally ready to come down. Repetition and dual parenting is also part of the stability he needs. You both parenting in the same way will be the ONLY way things will work or he will learn to play one parent off the other. My partner and I are always checking with each other or even putting in the kids hands, "Well what did Dad say" and then check ourselves. Our kids have learnt that they get the same response from both of us or consquences for trying to get a 'yes' out of one of us when the other has said 'no'.

This is going to be hard. But of all things matey, you are in love. You love this man enough to be concerned about your future together and taking on the role of step mum. Good luck, it will be a hard journey and I give you a huge pat on the back for doing this. Being a parent for someone else's child is a selfless act.

I have to say for your part also though sweetie, you do have to consider all your thoughts and what it is you truly want. If you want to be in this mans life, if he fulfills your life enough that the hard work seems do-able, then you are going to get through this together. If it seems that you have other concerns in your life, figuring out what it is you want as your future, then write it down, consider it whole heartedly and be completely honest with this man of yours. You both need to discuss this. He truly honestly needs to know how you are feeling mate.

You both will have hesitations. You both will have worries, concerns, goals, dreams. They have to be talked about to be worked on together. He is in a situation where he feels responsible. He would feel things like guilt and pressure for this being placed on him as such. He didn't ask for it, but he did the baby making move and it was decided for him.

There is a reason this child has been placed in your lives. Find and focus on the positives. Look at the facts this man will test you and you will learn and become a stronger person because of it. I hope you find what you are looking for with your future. It is unknown, but you need to decide, are you ready to face the unknown. Just know that you will be doing so together as a united parental team hey. I truly wish you the very best for the future. Take care! Here anytime you need to chat also. feel free to message me if I have at all helped and you want more support. I feel for you my dear. You have a possible life journey that is not only going to be hard but one that is potentially going to be full of and rewarded with love even in the most adverse of ways.

ambercholtz

Being a divorcee, and watching what has happened with my son after he goes over to his fathers home during visitation and knowing what it is like as a step-child, do realize that this child needs love from you and his father. It is difficult for children to deal with another adult when they are treated badly, they begin building resentment against the step parent and the father/mother. I see it happening in my son as he grows. This lady above has said it best:

If you really can't come to love this kid, or treat him with love and kindness- my only advice is to leave. This kid will always be a part of your DF's life. It will only generate misery and resentment if you dislike this kid then he picks up on it and starts disliking you back. Remember, this child is an innocent. He may be a brat, but he wasn't born one. He was made one.

Be good to the kid and work on understanding him. It is hard for many people to accept another's child but it is very important to the parent and to the child that you all learn to love and care for each other. Show him that he (the child) is important and treat him kindly. I only suggest these things, but you are not inclined to follow.

leomom72

bump

JulieHearts

Just love him

That's what he really needs and you and your fiance can give him that. He needs stability and consistency.

I have 3 teenage stepkids whom I care for very deeply. Their father and I try to show them what a healthy loving adult relationship is supposed to be like (they are not really getting that from their mom). We show them we love them in our words and actions.

It is a lot to ask of someone... to ask them to help you raise your child. I was driving my stepdaughter and her friend to the movies a short while ago (I have been in their lives about 3 years). Before letting them out of the car, I reminded them to behave, to be home on time for curfew and to have fun. Getting out of the car she said 'we will (a little sarcastically )' and before closing the door she leaned in and said 'love you!'. I drove home feeling very happy. I'm not her mother but I have many things to teach her and I can be a very positive influence of their lives.

All you can ask of yourself is to do your best... and just share the love. All will work out!!

britneyblonde

Being a divorcee, and watching what has happened with my son after he goes over to his fathers home during visitation and knowing what it is like as a step-child, do realize that this child needs love from you and his father. It is difficult for children to deal with another adult when they are treated badly, they begin building resentment against the step parent and the father/mother.

Can i just add that the child is never treated badly and has no idea how i feel at all. I always treat him well and make him feel welcome as my home is also his fathers home. I've always handled it aswell as i can as it was only ever the weekends. Now its full time im looking for advice on what to do next, if i couldnt cope with it i wouldnt stay and make his life and mine a misery! Id leave and break mine and his dads heart

Its catch 22, someone will be hurt either way.

britneyblonde

Thanks for all the advice everyone, its nice to hear outside opinions. Everyone at home see's everything from a different perspective so its nice to talk to other people x

Melwillbehealthy

I'm going to tell you what I didn't have the heart to tell my friend. If you can't love and except his child, don't marry that man. I watched my girlfriend go though the exact same thing and it destroyed their marriage and my girlfriend mentally miss treated her stepson, especially when she had her kids, and his behavior got worse.

I'm older, experienced and agree with the above poster. I've seen this happen before and it's a heartbreaker. You are being set up for a lifetime of grief. So sorry, I'm not optimistic about the situtation. I'd delay the marriage and see if things improve before you commit. I guess I'm just not as self sacrificing as some people.

RuthSweetTooth

I would only remain in a relationship like this one if you have full custody of the child AND the mother is not allowed in his life anymore. Other than that, why would a young person like yourself put up with that? You could love another man just as easily. You could protect yourself and walk away, rather than trying to become a parent of a child that has been brought up so abyssmally. You will probably need to call in professional help for this child. Why should you do this to yourself? For love? HA! Your fiance didn't even tell you about him . . . is that LOVE?

I have stepchildren . . two stepdaughters and a stepson. We knew about each other's kids on the first date. It's no picnic, but it's not like your problem. This is not a normal situation that you are speaking of.

Choose your life. Be brave enough to protect yourself, and find a new mate FOR LIFE. Or life with the possibly awful choice you are making and will probably make because you are in love with someone who is was not open about a big deal-breaker. Have you even asked your mother what she would say? Ask your mother!!!!! She'll sound alot like me.

Ruth

Hi everyone,

Looking for someone who can relate to what im going through. Im engaged to be married next summer and i love my fiance more than anything in the world. We've been together 3 years, lived together a year and a half, got engaged last xmas and the wedding is next summer. Really excited about getting married! My fiance also has a 5year old son from a previous relationship who up until now has stayed with us every weekend.

My fiance never told me about his son when we first starting dating incase it scared me off, i found out after about a month - by which time i liked him too much to walk away. I suppose i thought to myself, how hard can it be? He had him Saturday morning - Sunday night so we either all done something together or i left him to it and saw him Sunday night once he had taken him home.

The ex girlfriend is something else! The child was unplanned and my fiance was really upset about it at the time. He had been planning to leave and was devastated at the thought of having kids to her as were his family. She has never worked a day in her life nor has her parents, she drank and smoked all the way through her pregnancy and still does on a daily basis. The only person i know to have a drink problem at 23. She hangs about in bad crowds, has parties every night, doesnt discipline the child at all. She literally just lets him do whatever he wants. Never puts him to bed, lets him swear - basically allows him to be a wild child and doesnt seem to care wether he behaves or not.

Despite all this my fiance is the best dad in the world and loves him more than anything. He has no relationship with her at all other than arranging collection times. He has no respect for her as a mother at all.

Can i just point out that he is nothing like her! Dont know how he ever ended up in her company in the first place!

Anyways, since moving in together i have really struggled. The child is wild all day on a Saturday, its impossible to get him to sleep at night because his mother doesnt put him to bed....she just lets him drop whenever he wants! I get in from work on a Sunday morning at 4am and hes awake around 6/7am shouting and running around. It drives me mad!!!!!

I know it sounds so selfish but im only 25, i dont have any kids. If i wanted to listen to all that then id have my own. I realise all kids are like this but when you dont have any kids having someone elses wild child coming into your home for the full weekend - making a mess, running around shouting, misbehaving etc it can be trying. I am literally tearing my hair out come Sunday.

The child answers back a lot with 'mum lets me shout'......'mum lets me lie'.......'mum lets me stay up all night' Ahhhhh!

We've spoke about what would happen if my fiance ever got full custody and he told me it would never happen. I always try remember this at the weekends when my house is getting turned upside down. I know i couldnt cope with full custody no matter how hard i tried.

He started school last August and is now having to repeat primary one as he has missed 47days since August because his mum is too hungover/cant be bothered taking him to school! Now hes at school its getting harder for her to be worst mum in the world as teachers etc are noticing, not just us.

Now the social workers are involved and as of last week we have full custody for the time being as shes been thrown out her house for anti social behaviour.

I know i sound like the wicked stepmother and its the child who everyone should be thinking of and dont get me wrong, i have tried. Throughout the last 3years we have had a pretty good relationship, i make the effort to spend time with them both and we try do everything his mum doesnt do for him. Hes really badly behaved though and ADHD. Im starting to dread the weekends more and more and now im worried his mother isnt going to get him back. Im worried about how ill cope and how can i possibly get married when im so miserable at the weekends?

I love my fiance more than anything. Taking on someone with kids is HARD. But going from the weekends to full time is a completely different scenario. It sounds so selfish but its not the life i want. I want to enjoy my life with him before we are married. I dont want to take on another womans child because she cant be bothered doing it herself.

People say 'oh well you cant really love your fiance because if you did you would love his son who is a part of him' but its not true. I love him so much, id never get over him. If i never loved him i would have left already.

You dont realise how hard it is until your in love and by that point your stuck. Stay with the love of my life and be miserable every weekend?? (Thats if it goes back to being weekends and doesnt stay full time) Or leave him and be heartbroken and even more miserable??

Please someone tell me they understand!!

And if people are going to throw comments about how selfish i am for not loving someone elses child, please dont reply unless you have been through the same thing yourself.

:-(

britneyblonde

He never told me about him at the beginning because he wanted me to give him a chance without judging him. In a way im glad because i would never have dated him had i known how complicated the situation was and i would have missed out on all the good times we have shared over the last 3years.

I dont really tell my mum how much i struggle because i dont want anyone talking me out of the wedding :(I'v coped well enough up until now but full custody is a another story entirely.

My mum thinks that us having full custody is the best thing for the child, that he will now be a different person because shes no longer around and that if id had a child and my fiance wasnt fully supportive she wouldnt be happy and that i need to be there for him through good times and bad.

I feel so awful even talking about leaving. My poor fiance, gets full custody of his child whos escaped a horrible life with a mother like that then his fiancee calls off the wedding because of it! Im so miserable at the thought of it all

x

FoodieGal09

OP, I'm just going to give you a link to this board. I'm not an active member on it, but the ladies who are there are seasoned in dealing with exactly these types of scenarios. They are no nonsense and very supportive. Maybe if you post for advice over there they might be able to advise you better.
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a25355/step_parents_the_original

Just to add, I'm not saying that you treat this child badly. But no matter how well you try to hide your true feelings, kids can and do pick up on them. Your DF can't really choose between you and his child, that is his CHILD. So ultimately, it's up to you to come to a decision. I know it's not pleasant, but it is the reality.

Either way, this child is always going to be a part of his life and it's not fair to the child or your DF is you resent him, openly or not.

ninerbuff

True love is unconditional. There are no despites. However I also believe in happiness for one's self. You can love someone and be miserable. So IMO you have to choose what's most important to you. Right now you could be just overwhelmed, but children really are what family is about and the age the child is at is good to help reset habits.

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noirnatural

Your not being selfish, if you are not ready to be a mom at 25, imagine how his mother feels doing it at 23. I became a mother at 22, it is not easy.

I believe the best way to being a successful step mother is to learn how to co parent, and not to be judgmental. I have a step son and my position is I support my husband, whatever I can do to help raise our son to be the best is what I do. Our son lives with us and I encouraged that from the very beginning.

I know you are in a tough spot right now. It will get better, you have to set the boundaries in your home and make sure your son understands that those are the rules in your home.

Have compassion for his mother, work with her, help her because in the end if she can become a better mother it will benefit everyone involved.

vim_n_vigor

Being a divorcee, and watching what has happened with my son after he goes over to his fathers home during visitation and knowing what it is like as a step-child, do realize that this child needs love from you and his father. It is difficult for children to deal with another adult when they are treated badly, they begin building resentment against the step parent and the father/mother. I see it happening in my son as he grows. This lady above has said it best:

If you really can't come to love this kid, or treat him with love and kindness- my only advice is to leave. This kid will always be a part of your DF's life. It will only generate misery and resentment if you dislike this kid then he picks up on it and starts disliking you back. Remember, this child is an innocent. He may be a brat, but he wasn't born one. He was made one.

Be good to the kid and work on understanding him. It is hard for many people to accept another's child but it is very important to the parent and to the child that you all learn to love and care for each other. Show him that he (the child) is important and treat him kindly. I only suggest these things, but you are not inclined to follow.

This is so true. As stepmom - you are never the parent, but are usually the only one who can act in that role without the emotions of the past relationship. It is horribly difficult. If you aren't prepared for this throughout your marriage, you really need to speak with your fiancee now. It changes over time, sometimes harder, sometimes easier. You don't get to be selfish about it once you are married. The child's best interest trumps your own. I can't tell you what the future holds if you do marry into this. It could be calm and easy most of the time, but it could just as easily be a constant turmoil in the house. You have to be ready for either one.

CrueChix

You have 2 choices. You and your fiance get full custody so you can put some discipline in this childs life or you walk away. You are in for a lifetime of chaos and heartache. You are only 25, and I tell my younger brothers all the time to not date girls that have children. It's much easier starting a young life together with no outside baggage. I know that's a harsh thing to say, but I've lived it and life would have been much easier not having to deal with exes. There are plenty of good men out there worthy of your love without all the drama. Good luck!

janalayn

I have been involved with my fiance since his daughter was only 2 weeks old. (Just for the record, she dumped him while she was pregnant and didn't tell him - he found out the week before the baby was born). We have made it clear from the start exactly what would and would not be tolerated in our home. Her mother allows her to run wild but we do not. She is intelligent and learned what she could and could not do in our home. We did not childproof or put away breakables, we told her she was not allowed to touch and she didn't. She has been spanked a total of twice in our home in the past seven years. I do not discipline her - that is her father's job but she knows that he backs me up 100% so I don't have any problems when I tell her what to do.

Your fiance needs to suck it up and parent. Children are smart enough to know what will and will not be tolerated. You don't have to spank him ... just make certain that he has a consequence that gets his attention. My soon-to-be stepdaughter learned to give up a pacifier in our home at 2, her mother let her keep it at home until she was 5. She learned to sleep by herself in our home but still sleeps with her mom at their house. You have to teach children. They want boundaries - it makes them feel safe.

NNAhuja

This is a REALLY difficult situation and No you are not being selfish at all.
I'm 25 and can NOT fathom being a step mom let alone a mom or even a wife. My hat goes off to you!
I'm not a licenced therapist (YET!) but here's my opinion...

He's acting out because children need discipline and structure and he's not getting it.
If he gives you a "mum lets me..." tell him "This isn't your mum's house. In this house you will need to do..."
Get the boy into a routine. Waking up at a certain time, eating at a given time, and even bedtime. Babies usually get this by 6-12 months but CLEARLY he didn't so better late than never.
You will need to talk to your husband to be and let him know that you both will need to work together co-parenting while the boy is with you for however long he will be, full time or just weekends. You will need to be working together as a team when it comes to disciplining and establishing and enforcing rules. Lastly, I recommend counseling. Sounds like he could really use someone to talk to about the drama he's gone through with his mom and upbringing. They may even recommend medication for his hyperactivity. The earlier this all gets controlled, the better. Alcohol and drug dependencies tend to run in families (I don't remember if it's a learned behavior or if people are genetically pre-dispositioned for it) but just getting him into a schedule and teaching him about the dangers of such should help.

I wish you all the very best!

suzzee2000

Here's my story 2nd marriage....We had ...His (6) Mine (1) Ours (2) = 9 children altogether and now I'm 57 yrs old and now have my brothers 4 children and are raising them as well!
It's HARD BUT you have to do it and when you become a Step Mother or Biological Mother or Aunt Mother, THE KIDS HAVE TO COME FIRST!!! Hands down! I have lived it and believe me it can work.....You have to love them through it and it's a very difficult and a thankless job at times.
If you can't do that, do your fiance a favor and yourself a favor, don't marry him. I don't want to sound mean but if you can't do that, The resentment and etc will make you fall out of love with him eventually, you'll move on but, the heart ache and regrets and etc will go with you.