Does anyone else struggle with their stepchildren?

RuthSweetTooth

I would only remain in a relationship like this one if you have full custody of the child AND the mother is not allowed in his life anymore. Other than that, why would a young person like yourself put up with that? You could love another man just as easily. You could protect yourself and walk away, rather than trying to become a parent of a child that has been brought up so abyssmally. You will probably need to call in professional help for this child. Why should you do this to yourself? For love? HA! Your fiance didn't even tell you about him . . . is that LOVE?

I have stepchildren . . two stepdaughters and a stepson. We knew about each other's kids on the first date. It's no picnic, but it's not like your problem. This is not a normal situation that you are speaking of.

Choose your life. Be brave enough to protect yourself, and find a new mate FOR LIFE. Or life with the possibly awful choice you are making and will probably make because you are in love with someone who is was not open about a big deal-breaker. Have you even asked your mother what she would say? Ask your mother!!!!! She'll sound alot like me.

Ruth

Hi everyone,

Looking for someone who can relate to what im going through. Im engaged to be married next summer and i love my fiance more than anything in the world. We've been together 3 years, lived together a year and a half, got engaged last xmas and the wedding is next summer. Really excited about getting married! My fiance also has a 5year old son from a previous relationship who up until now has stayed with us every weekend.

My fiance never told me about his son when we first starting dating incase it scared me off, i found out after about a month - by which time i liked him too much to walk away. I suppose i thought to myself, how hard can it be? He had him Saturday morning - Sunday night so we either all done something together or i left him to it and saw him Sunday night once he had taken him home.

The ex girlfriend is something else! The child was unplanned and my fiance was really upset about it at the time. He had been planning to leave and was devastated at the thought of having kids to her as were his family. She has never worked a day in her life nor has her parents, she drank and smoked all the way through her pregnancy and still does on a daily basis. The only person i know to have a drink problem at 23. She hangs about in bad crowds, has parties every night, doesnt discipline the child at all. She literally just lets him do whatever he wants. Never puts him to bed, lets him swear - basically allows him to be a wild child and doesnt seem to care wether he behaves or not.

Despite all this my fiance is the best dad in the world and loves him more than anything. He has no relationship with her at all other than arranging collection times. He has no respect for her as a mother at all.

Can i just point out that he is nothing like her! Dont know how he ever ended up in her company in the first place!

Anyways, since moving in together i have really struggled. The child is wild all day on a Saturday, its impossible to get him to sleep at night because his mother doesnt put him to bed....she just lets him drop whenever he wants! I get in from work on a Sunday morning at 4am and hes awake around 6/7am shouting and running around. It drives me mad!!!!!

I know it sounds so selfish but im only 25, i dont have any kids. If i wanted to listen to all that then id have my own. I realise all kids are like this but when you dont have any kids having someone elses wild child coming into your home for the full weekend - making a mess, running around shouting, misbehaving etc it can be trying. I am literally tearing my hair out come Sunday.

The child answers back a lot with 'mum lets me shout'......'mum lets me lie'.......'mum lets me stay up all night' Ahhhhh!

We've spoke about what would happen if my fiance ever got full custody and he told me it would never happen. I always try remember this at the weekends when my house is getting turned upside down. I know i couldnt cope with full custody no matter how hard i tried.

He started school last August and is now having to repeat primary one as he has missed 47days since August because his mum is too hungover/cant be bothered taking him to school! Now hes at school its getting harder for her to be worst mum in the world as teachers etc are noticing, not just us.

Now the social workers are involved and as of last week we have full custody for the time being as shes been thrown out her house for anti social behaviour.

I know i sound like the wicked stepmother and its the child who everyone should be thinking of and dont get me wrong, i have tried. Throughout the last 3years we have had a pretty good relationship, i make the effort to spend time with them both and we try do everything his mum doesnt do for him. Hes really badly behaved though and ADHD. Im starting to dread the weekends more and more and now im worried his mother isnt going to get him back. Im worried about how ill cope and how can i possibly get married when im so miserable at the weekends?

I love my fiance more than anything. Taking on someone with kids is HARD. But going from the weekends to full time is a completely different scenario. It sounds so selfish but its not the life i want. I want to enjoy my life with him before we are married. I dont want to take on another womans child because she cant be bothered doing it herself.

People say 'oh well you cant really love your fiance because if you did you would love his son who is a part of him' but its not true. I love him so much, id never get over him. If i never loved him i would have left already.

You dont realise how hard it is until your in love and by that point your stuck. Stay with the love of my life and be miserable every weekend?? (Thats if it goes back to being weekends and doesnt stay full time) Or leave him and be heartbroken and even more miserable??

Please someone tell me they understand!!

And if people are going to throw comments about how selfish i am for not loving someone elses child, please dont reply unless you have been through the same thing yourself.

:-(

britneyblonde

He never told me about him at the beginning because he wanted me to give him a chance without judging him. In a way im glad because i would never have dated him had i known how complicated the situation was and i would have missed out on all the good times we have shared over the last 3years.

I dont really tell my mum how much i struggle because i dont want anyone talking me out of the wedding :(I'v coped well enough up until now but full custody is a another story entirely.

My mum thinks that us having full custody is the best thing for the child, that he will now be a different person because shes no longer around and that if id had a child and my fiance wasnt fully supportive she wouldnt be happy and that i need to be there for him through good times and bad.

I feel so awful even talking about leaving. My poor fiance, gets full custody of his child whos escaped a horrible life with a mother like that then his fiancee calls off the wedding because of it! Im so miserable at the thought of it all

x

FoodieGal09

OP, I'm just going to give you a link to this board. I'm not an active member on it, but the ladies who are there are seasoned in dealing with exactly these types of scenarios. They are no nonsense and very supportive. Maybe if you post for advice over there they might be able to advise you better.
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a25355/step_parents_the_original

Just to add, I'm not saying that you treat this child badly. But no matter how well you try to hide your true feelings, kids can and do pick up on them. Your DF can't really choose between you and his child, that is his CHILD. So ultimately, it's up to you to come to a decision. I know it's not pleasant, but it is the reality.

Either way, this child is always going to be a part of his life and it's not fair to the child or your DF is you resent him, openly or not.

ninerbuff

True love is unconditional. There are no despites. However I also believe in happiness for one's self. You can love someone and be miserable. So IMO you have to choose what's most important to you. Right now you could be just overwhelmed, but children really are what family is about and the age the child is at is good to help reset habits.

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noirnatural

Your not being selfish, if you are not ready to be a mom at 25, imagine how his mother feels doing it at 23. I became a mother at 22, it is not easy.

I believe the best way to being a successful step mother is to learn how to co parent, and not to be judgmental. I have a step son and my position is I support my husband, whatever I can do to help raise our son to be the best is what I do. Our son lives with us and I encouraged that from the very beginning.

I know you are in a tough spot right now. It will get better, you have to set the boundaries in your home and make sure your son understands that those are the rules in your home.

Have compassion for his mother, work with her, help her because in the end if she can become a better mother it will benefit everyone involved.

vim_n_vigor

Being a divorcee, and watching what has happened with my son after he goes over to his fathers home during visitation and knowing what it is like as a step-child, do realize that this child needs love from you and his father. It is difficult for children to deal with another adult when they are treated badly, they begin building resentment against the step parent and the father/mother. I see it happening in my son as he grows. This lady above has said it best:

If you really can't come to love this kid, or treat him with love and kindness- my only advice is to leave. This kid will always be a part of your DF's life. It will only generate misery and resentment if you dislike this kid then he picks up on it and starts disliking you back. Remember, this child is an innocent. He may be a brat, but he wasn't born one. He was made one.

Be good to the kid and work on understanding him. It is hard for many people to accept another's child but it is very important to the parent and to the child that you all learn to love and care for each other. Show him that he (the child) is important and treat him kindly. I only suggest these things, but you are not inclined to follow.

This is so true. As stepmom - you are never the parent, but are usually the only one who can act in that role without the emotions of the past relationship. It is horribly difficult. If you aren't prepared for this throughout your marriage, you really need to speak with your fiancee now. It changes over time, sometimes harder, sometimes easier. You don't get to be selfish about it once you are married. The child's best interest trumps your own. I can't tell you what the future holds if you do marry into this. It could be calm and easy most of the time, but it could just as easily be a constant turmoil in the house. You have to be ready for either one.

CrueChix

You have 2 choices. You and your fiance get full custody so you can put some discipline in this childs life or you walk away. You are in for a lifetime of chaos and heartache. You are only 25, and I tell my younger brothers all the time to not date girls that have children. It's much easier starting a young life together with no outside baggage. I know that's a harsh thing to say, but I've lived it and life would have been much easier not having to deal with exes. There are plenty of good men out there worthy of your love without all the drama. Good luck!

janalayn

I have been involved with my fiance since his daughter was only 2 weeks old. (Just for the record, she dumped him while she was pregnant and didn't tell him - he found out the week before the baby was born). We have made it clear from the start exactly what would and would not be tolerated in our home. Her mother allows her to run wild but we do not. She is intelligent and learned what she could and could not do in our home. We did not childproof or put away breakables, we told her she was not allowed to touch and she didn't. She has been spanked a total of twice in our home in the past seven years. I do not discipline her - that is her father's job but she knows that he backs me up 100% so I don't have any problems when I tell her what to do.

Your fiance needs to suck it up and parent. Children are smart enough to know what will and will not be tolerated. You don't have to spank him ... just make certain that he has a consequence that gets his attention. My soon-to-be stepdaughter learned to give up a pacifier in our home at 2, her mother let her keep it at home until she was 5. She learned to sleep by herself in our home but still sleeps with her mom at their house. You have to teach children. They want boundaries - it makes them feel safe.

NNAhuja

This is a REALLY difficult situation and No you are not being selfish at all.
I'm 25 and can NOT fathom being a step mom let alone a mom or even a wife. My hat goes off to you!
I'm not a licenced therapist (YET!) but here's my opinion...

He's acting out because children need discipline and structure and he's not getting it.
If he gives you a "mum lets me..." tell him "This isn't your mum's house. In this house you will need to do..."
Get the boy into a routine. Waking up at a certain time, eating at a given time, and even bedtime. Babies usually get this by 6-12 months but CLEARLY he didn't so better late than never.
You will need to talk to your husband to be and let him know that you both will need to work together co-parenting while the boy is with you for however long he will be, full time or just weekends. You will need to be working together as a team when it comes to disciplining and establishing and enforcing rules. Lastly, I recommend counseling. Sounds like he could really use someone to talk to about the drama he's gone through with his mom and upbringing. They may even recommend medication for his hyperactivity. The earlier this all gets controlled, the better. Alcohol and drug dependencies tend to run in families (I don't remember if it's a learned behavior or if people are genetically pre-dispositioned for it) but just getting him into a schedule and teaching him about the dangers of such should help.

I wish you all the very best!

suzzee2000

Here's my story 2nd marriage....We had ...His (6) Mine (1) Ours (2) = 9 children altogether and now I'm 57 yrs old and now have my brothers 4 children and are raising them as well!
It's HARD BUT you have to do it and when you become a Step Mother or Biological Mother or Aunt Mother, THE KIDS HAVE TO COME FIRST!!! Hands down! I have lived it and believe me it can work.....You have to love them through it and it's a very difficult and a thankless job at times.
If you can't do that, do your fiance a favor and yourself a favor, don't marry him. I don't want to sound mean but if you can't do that, The resentment and etc will make you fall out of love with him eventually, you'll move on but, the heart ache and regrets and etc will go with you.

KrystieNye

I'm going to tell you what I didn't have the heart to tell my friend. If you can't love and except his child, don't marry that man. I watched my girlfriend go though the exact same thing and it destroyed their marriage and my girlfriend mentally miss treated her stepson, especially when she had her kids, and his behavior got worse.

^^This. As unfair as it is, your fiance is a dad first. Your needs/wants will always come second to his son- that is just the way it is. I know it sucks, but if you aren't ready to be a full-time mother figure to that child, please don't marry his dad. (I say full-time mother figure, because even if you plan on his biological mother getting custody back and raising him....it is not a perfect world, and you have to assume/prepare for the worst case scenario). Chances are, from what you've said about her, she isn't fit to raise a child- and that will fall on yours and your fiance's shoulders. If you aren't ready to be a mother, don't marry a father.

SammieGetsFit

I'm going to tell you what I didn't have the heart to tell my friend. If you can't love and except his child, don't marry that man. I watched my girlfriend go though the exact same thing and it destroyed their marriage and my girlfriend mentally miss treated her stepson, especially when she had her kids, and his behavior got worse.

^^ This. I haven't been where you are, but I have been in your stepson's shoes. My stepmother didn't want the kids my dad had, just wanted to start her own life and her own family with him. We still don't have a good relationship (any of us) almost 20 years later. At the end of the day, your fiance wants to be a good dad to his son, and he should be. You don't want to be a mother. There is no way in which that isn't going to add tension to all of your lives. If you can't find a way to think of this basically motherless kid as your son (not your fiance's son), then I really do think it'd be best to walk away. However, if there is any way that you can picture a happy family -- the three of you -- in your future, then stick with it and do what others on this thread have suggested re: discipline, etc.

Children are not like political differences, or religious views. There is no compromise to be had there. Your fiance cannot and should not be a part-time day, which makes you a full-time mom (even if his mom comes around). Please keep that in mind.

Good luck! And as a stepdaughter, thank you for taking the matter so seriously. :flowerforyou:

misticache

I have 2 stepkids AS WELL AS 2 of my own and I've raised them more than half their lives. It's not easy believe me! My oldest step son hates me with a passion but I love him. The same goes with my kids. My son doesn't like his step dad at all and he is a wonderful father. I can't get into all the crap we have been through but I will tell you this if you love your fiance and I'm sure you do you need to accept this child is going to be part of your lives forever. we have all 4 of our kids full time and always have. He may not ever except you and may make your life a living hell but when he turns 18 you won't have to deal with him on a regular basis and he can simply maintain a relationship with his dad if he wants. He may do the opposite and thrive under your loving attention if you have him full time. Only time will tell. Please take this very seriously though. His son will always be first whether he says it or not he will be. If you don't want to raise the child then you need to move on and let him raise his child. He will need someone to love his son through the good and bad and help him raise him. If you're not ready for the responsibility than your wasting your time and his. I know that sounds harsh but honestly I have been through hell and back with my son and thank god my husband understands and tolerates him the best he can. We know we have less than a year and he will be out on his own and no longer our responsibility. But it has been a long hard road for us and has put a huge strain on the relationship. Like I said my oldest step son doesn't care for me and thinks the world is out to get him. They don't understand you're trying to prepare them for life ad maybe one day when he has his own children he will understand that I do love him very much and I wasn't just a mean step mom. Until then I'll just take it one day at a time and keep trying to show him how much he is loved. If you can't do that with your 5 year old then you can't. Not all people can handle kids let alone someone else's. It's very difficult.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

I have four stepchildren, and they receive no guidance or discipline from their biological mother at all (let's just say she has quite a collection of mug shots). Even after 6 years, I get angry that their father and I have to overcompensate for her gross lack of parenting, so I don't think you are selfish at all!

Your boyfriend and you need to approach this as a consistent team to ever make any progress. Talk together while the child is not there, set boundaries and rules, and agree to enforce them together. Any child will exploit inconsistency or pick out the parent figure that is not as strict! I agree with many other comments: your home, your rules, and "Mama lets me do this or that" should be responded with firmly with something like "This is our home, and these are the rules here."

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to take on this stressor in your life, either. Keeping your own place, and maintaining your space, is just fine too, especially if your boyfriend is not willing or able to work together to develop some boundaries and discipline with both the child and his ex. I know from experience that the ex can be a bigger brat than the child. Without being willing to not take bait, not be engaged in conflict, and flat out ignore some flaming from the ex, it is easy for your lives to become more about the ex than your lives together.

Unknown

I totally agree with Ruth.
I will only add that you are NOT selfish in any way. This is a time in your life that is special and you can not get back once you are married and have your own kids.
I have 2 kids of my own and it is hard enough raising your own much less some one else's. I would think long and hard before getting married to this man that I know you do love. It will only get harder with marriage and time (so sorry to say but it is true).
I pray you find the answers and peace of mind you need.

SuperSexyDork

I don't like telling people negative things but I will tell you this. You ARE being selfish. There is no sugar coating it.

This is coming from a 23 year old woman that has a 3 year old daughter and a 5 year old step-daughter that lives with us full time.

Your fiance's first duty is to his child. It will ALWAYS be that way. You cannot change that. If you cannot respect that, it is time to walk away. If you cannot work towards the betterment of this child, it is time to walk away. If you cannot find it in your heart to love this child unconditionally, it's time to walk away.

He has just been taken away from his mom. He is hurting. He does not know discipline. That is not his fault but the fault of his parents (his father included because he has not taken the time to attempt to intervene with his son's mother in any way thus far.) If your fiance really thought about it, he would conclude that having his son with him is really the best thing for his son, that is IF he has the best interest of his child in mind. You would also realize that.

It's very hard to be a step-parent. It's completely impossible when you resent the child for who he is and what he is to your significant other. My advice is that if you really feel this way then it is time to walk away and let your fiance have the chance to find someone in the future that he will love and who will completely accept his child.

End of story.

By the way, yes I do struggle with my step-daughter. She has major abandonment issues as her mother left her and moved 20 hours away. However, I love her and we show her that we are both here for her and that is not going to change. I attempt to give her the same love and support that I give my own daughter. She is very often trying. She hid my laptop and it was lost for 2 1/2 months. It gets easier over time though once you accept that they will always be a part of your life.

RLDeShazo

Can i just add that the child is never treated badly and has no idea how i feel at all. I always treat him well and make him feel welcome as my home is also his fathers home. I've always handled it aswell as i can as it was only ever the weekends. Now its full time im looking for advice on what to do next, if i couldnt cope with it i wouldnt stay and make his life and mine a misery! Id leave and break mine and his dads heart

Its catch 22, someone will be hurt either way.

One change of thinking on your part that may help is, he isn't a "guest" in your home. It was already HIS home, even if he only lived there on the weekends. YOU are the new person in the family. Not that there isn't a place for you, but you seem to be of the mindset that he is the third wheel in your relationship. It does sound like you are wanting to make it work. Now that the child is living with the two of you, if you haven't already, I suggest family as well as individual counselling for him, if possible.
And your fiance should fight as hard as he can to keep that child in his home. Why would you want him to go back to such a bad environment?

supplemama

I have mixed feelings about this...let me just say upfront that I love my parents and I respect their marriage. They have been married for 43 years. That said, my father came to the marriage with children. His ex-wife had severe parenting issues. Eventually my parents got custody of my brothers and sisters. They came with all the emotional and psychological scarring that came with being in the primary care of their dysfunctional mother. They acted out towards my mom. They acted out towards us, their younger siblings born from my parents' marriage. This continued well into the teen years. It wasn't until they were near adults that my older brothers and sisters began to act right and respect my mother. If you asked them, they do say they love my mother. But for ME the damage has been done. My relationship with my older siblings is tenuous at best. I watched my mother struggle with rearing them my entire life, often at the detriment of her OWN children.

So really think long and hard if this is what you want for yourself. and your own children, should you eventually have them. This child is out of control at 5...I hate to say it but things probably won't get any better. Not for years and years and years and years. It would be a different story altogether if the situation were different (plenty of blended families are awesome and work well) but it's NOT.

Temple_Fit

He never told me about him at the beginning because he wanted me to give him a chance without judging him. In a way im glad because i would never have dated him had i known how complicated the situation was and i would have missed out on all the good times we have shared over the last 3years.

I dont really tell my mum how much i struggle because i dont want anyone talking me out of the wedding :(I'v coped well enough up until now but full custody is a another story entirely.

My mum thinks that us having full custody is the best thing for the child, that he will now be a different person because shes no longer around and that if id had a child and my fiance wasnt fully supportive she wouldnt be happy and that i need to be there for him through good times and bad.

I feel so awful even talking about leaving. My poor fiance, gets full custody of his child whos escaped a horrible life with a mother like that then his fiancee calls off the wedding because of it! Im so miserable at the thought of it all

x

Marriage is for better and for worse and about trust and honesty. You really need to talk to your fiancee about how you feel. There is nothing wrong with calling off the wedding. It's sad but everyone will get over it and move on. Like you said previously, had you known he had a child you would not have dated him, so that let's me know that you do not want to get involved with a man that has kids. You already know what you have to do, you are just afraid of taking the initial step. I am in your situation, however, I am in your fiancee's shoes. This will the love you have for one another. Love Conquers All.

gin_gin

I've almost been married a year, I dont have children myself, husband has two girls
from previous marriage, 10 and 13 and yes its hard

i was forwarned about marrying a guy with kids LOL

its hard when you only have them part time, hard when you have
to deal with the x, hard when all the kids want to do is talk about mom and dad major akward cause that's how they
remember things

the kids will always come first

so yea it's hard, doesnt mean its not doable, but you have to be very patient and passive person sometimes

not all children are the same but I have dozens of friends who have married and deal with the step kids
situation whether it be with their own kids or someone elses and I dont know anyone who DOESNT
have issues in one way or another no two days will be alike one day step kids will love ya next hate ya
just comes with the territory so just remember the kids will always come first if that's not something
you can deal with you may want to do some thinking before marrying sometimes we choose love over
any difficulties but those difficulties can end a marriage real quick.