Does anyone else struggle with their stepchildren?

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Replies

  • KrystieNye
    KrystieNye Posts: 123 Member
    I'm going to tell you what I didn't have the heart to tell my friend. If you can't love and except his child, don't marry that man. I watched my girlfriend go though the exact same thing and it destroyed their marriage and my girlfriend mentally miss treated her stepson, especially when she had her kids, and his behavior got worse.

    ^^This. As unfair as it is, your fiance is a dad first. Your needs/wants will always come second to his son- that is just the way it is. I know it sucks, but if you aren't ready to be a full-time mother figure to that child, please don't marry his dad. (I say full-time mother figure, because even if you plan on his biological mother getting custody back and raising him....it is not a perfect world, and you have to assume/prepare for the worst case scenario). Chances are, from what you've said about her, she isn't fit to raise a child- and that will fall on yours and your fiance's shoulders. If you aren't ready to be a mother, don't marry a father.
  • SammieGetsFit
    SammieGetsFit Posts: 432 Member
    I'm going to tell you what I didn't have the heart to tell my friend. If you can't love and except his child, don't marry that man. I watched my girlfriend go though the exact same thing and it destroyed their marriage and my girlfriend mentally miss treated her stepson, especially when she had her kids, and his behavior got worse.

    ^^ This. I haven't been where you are, but I have been in your stepson's shoes. My stepmother didn't want the kids my dad had, just wanted to start her own life and her own family with him. We still don't have a good relationship (any of us) almost 20 years later. At the end of the day, your fiance wants to be a good dad to his son, and he should be. You don't want to be a mother. There is no way in which that isn't going to add tension to all of your lives. If you can't find a way to think of this basically motherless kid as your son (not your fiance's son), then I really do think it'd be best to walk away. However, if there is any way that you can picture a happy family -- the three of you -- in your future, then stick with it and do what others on this thread have suggested re: discipline, etc.

    Children are not like political differences, or religious views. There is no compromise to be had there. Your fiance cannot and should not be a part-time day, which makes you a full-time mom (even if his mom comes around). Please keep that in mind.

    Good luck! And as a stepdaughter, thank you for taking the matter so seriously. :flowerforyou:
  • misticache
    misticache Posts: 364 Member
    I have 2 stepkids AS WELL AS 2 of my own and I've raised them more than half their lives. It's not easy believe me! My oldest step son hates me with a passion but I love him. The same goes with my kids. My son doesn't like his step dad at all and he is a wonderful father. I can't get into all the crap we have been through but I will tell you this if you love your fiance and I'm sure you do you need to accept this child is going to be part of your lives forever. we have all 4 of our kids full time and always have. He may not ever except you and may make your life a living hell but when he turns 18 you won't have to deal with him on a regular basis and he can simply maintain a relationship with his dad if he wants. He may do the opposite and thrive under your loving attention if you have him full time. Only time will tell. Please take this very seriously though. His son will always be first whether he says it or not he will be. If you don't want to raise the child then you need to move on and let him raise his child. He will need someone to love his son through the good and bad and help him raise him. If you're not ready for the responsibility than your wasting your time and his. I know that sounds harsh but honestly I have been through hell and back with my son and thank god my husband understands and tolerates him the best he can. We know we have less than a year and he will be out on his own and no longer our responsibility. But it has been a long hard road for us and has put a huge strain on the relationship. Like I said my oldest step son doesn't care for me and thinks the world is out to get him. They don't understand you're trying to prepare them for life ad maybe one day when he has his own children he will understand that I do love him very much and I wasn't just a mean step mom. Until then I'll just take it one day at a time and keep trying to show him how much he is loved. If you can't do that with your 5 year old then you can't. Not all people can handle kids let alone someone else's. It's very difficult.
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,534 Member
    I have four stepchildren, and they receive no guidance or discipline from their biological mother at all (let's just say she has quite a collection of mug shots). Even after 6 years, I get angry that their father and I have to overcompensate for her gross lack of parenting, so I don't think you are selfish at all!

    Your boyfriend and you need to approach this as a consistent team to ever make any progress. Talk together while the child is not there, set boundaries and rules, and agree to enforce them together. Any child will exploit inconsistency or pick out the parent figure that is not as strict! I agree with many other comments: your home, your rules, and "Mama lets me do this or that" should be responded with firmly with something like "This is our home, and these are the rules here."

    There is nothing wrong with not wanting to take on this stressor in your life, either. Keeping your own place, and maintaining your space, is just fine too, especially if your boyfriend is not willing or able to work together to develop some boundaries and discipline with both the child and his ex. I know from experience that the ex can be a bigger brat than the child. Without being willing to not take bait, not be engaged in conflict, and flat out ignore some flaming from the ex, it is easy for your lives to become more about the ex than your lives together.
  • I totally agree with Ruth.
    I will only add that you are NOT selfish in any way. This is a time in your life that is special and you can not get back once you are married and have your own kids.
    I have 2 kids of my own and it is hard enough raising your own much less some one else's. I would think long and hard before getting married to this man that I know you do love. It will only get harder with marriage and time (so sorry to say but it is true).
    I pray you find the answers and peace of mind you need.
  • SuperSexyDork
    SuperSexyDork Posts: 1,669 Member
    I don't like telling people negative things but I will tell you this. You ARE being selfish. There is no sugar coating it.

    This is coming from a 23 year old woman that has a 3 year old daughter and a 5 year old step-daughter that lives with us full time.

    Your fiance's first duty is to his child. It will ALWAYS be that way. You cannot change that. If you cannot respect that, it is time to walk away. If you cannot work towards the betterment of this child, it is time to walk away. If you cannot find it in your heart to love this child unconditionally, it's time to walk away.

    He has just been taken away from his mom. He is hurting. He does not know discipline. That is not his fault but the fault of his parents (his father included because he has not taken the time to attempt to intervene with his son's mother in any way thus far.) If your fiance really thought about it, he would conclude that having his son with him is really the best thing for his son, that is IF he has the best interest of his child in mind. You would also realize that.

    It's very hard to be a step-parent. It's completely impossible when you resent the child for who he is and what he is to your significant other. My advice is that if you really feel this way then it is time to walk away and let your fiance have the chance to find someone in the future that he will love and who will completely accept his child.

    End of story.

    By the way, yes I do struggle with my step-daughter. She has major abandonment issues as her mother left her and moved 20 hours away. However, I love her and we show her that we are both here for her and that is not going to change. I attempt to give her the same love and support that I give my own daughter. She is very often trying. She hid my laptop and it was lost for 2 1/2 months. It gets easier over time though once you accept that they will always be a part of your life.
  • RLDeShazo
    RLDeShazo Posts: 356 Member
    Can i just add that the child is never treated badly and has no idea how i feel at all. I always treat him well and make him feel welcome as my home is also his fathers home. I've always handled it aswell as i can as it was only ever the weekends. Now its full time im looking for advice on what to do next, if i couldnt cope with it i wouldnt stay and make his life and mine a misery! Id leave and break mine and his dads heart :(

    Its catch 22, someone will be hurt either way.

    One change of thinking on your part that may help is, he isn't a "guest" in your home. It was already HIS home, even if he only lived there on the weekends. YOU are the new person in the family. Not that there isn't a place for you, but you seem to be of the mindset that he is the third wheel in your relationship. It does sound like you are wanting to make it work. Now that the child is living with the two of you, if you haven't already, I suggest family as well as individual counselling for him, if possible.
    And your fiance should fight as hard as he can to keep that child in his home. Why would you want him to go back to such a bad environment?
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    I have mixed feelings about this...let me just say upfront that I love my parents and I respect their marriage. They have been married for 43 years. That said, my father came to the marriage with children. His ex-wife had severe parenting issues. Eventually my parents got custody of my brothers and sisters. They came with all the emotional and psychological scarring that came with being in the primary care of their dysfunctional mother. They acted out towards my mom. They acted out towards us, their younger siblings born from my parents' marriage. This continued well into the teen years. It wasn't until they were near adults that my older brothers and sisters began to act right and respect my mother. If you asked them, they do say they love my mother. But for ME the damage has been done. My relationship with my older siblings is tenuous at best. I watched my mother struggle with rearing them my entire life, often at the detriment of her OWN children.

    So really think long and hard if this is what you want for yourself. and your own children, should you eventually have them. This child is out of control at 5...I hate to say it but things probably won't get any better. Not for years and years and years and years. It would be a different story altogether if the situation were different (plenty of blended families are awesome and work well) but it's NOT.
  • Temple_Fit
    Temple_Fit Posts: 299 Member
    He never told me about him at the beginning because he wanted me to give him a chance without judging him. In a way im glad because i would never have dated him had i known how complicated the situation was and i would have missed out on all the good times we have shared over the last 3years.

    I dont really tell my mum how much i struggle because i dont want anyone talking me out of the wedding :(I'v coped well enough up until now but full custody is a another story entirely.

    My mum thinks that us having full custody is the best thing for the child, that he will now be a different person because shes no longer around and that if id had a child and my fiance wasnt fully supportive she wouldnt be happy and that i need to be there for him through good times and bad.

    I feel so awful even talking about leaving. My poor fiance, gets full custody of his child whos escaped a horrible life with a mother like that then his fiancee calls off the wedding because of it! Im so miserable at the thought of it all :(

    x

    Marriage is for better and for worse and about trust and honesty. You really need to talk to your fiancee about how you feel. There is nothing wrong with calling off the wedding. It's sad but everyone will get over it and move on. Like you said previously, had you known he had a child you would not have dated him, so that let's me know that you do not want to get involved with a man that has kids. You already know what you have to do, you are just afraid of taking the initial step. I am in your situation, however, I am in your fiancee's shoes. This will the love you have for one another. Love Conquers All.
  • gin_gin
    gin_gin Posts: 184
    I've almost been married a year, I dont have children myself, husband has two girls
    from previous marriage, 10 and 13 and yes its hard

    i was forwarned about marrying a guy with kids LOL

    its hard when you only have them part time, hard when you have
    to deal with the x, hard when all the kids want to do is talk about mom and dad major akward cause that's how they
    remember things

    the kids will always come first

    so yea it's hard, doesnt mean its not doable, but you have to be very patient and passive person sometimes

    not all children are the same but I have dozens of friends who have married and deal with the step kids
    situation whether it be with their own kids or someone elses and I dont know anyone who DOESNT
    have issues in one way or another no two days will be alike one day step kids will love ya next hate ya
    just comes with the territory so just remember the kids will always come first if that's not something
    you can deal with you may want to do some thinking before marrying sometimes we choose love over
    any difficulties but those difficulties can end a marriage real quick.
  • chiquitatwist
    chiquitatwist Posts: 54 Member
    I was in the same situation 8 years ago that you are in now. I married a man with three children, one who lived with him full time. The decision to marry is up to you, but I have some advice on how to handle the child. A psychologist recommended that every time my step son acted up we were to send him to his room and say "you can come out when you can be a nice part of THIS family". It sends the message that, unless he is going to get along with the people around him, he is not welcome in the "common areas". It eventually got to the point with my step son that when I would tell him to go to his room he would walk down, walk back, and apologize because he really didn't want to be alone. Also, by leaving the amount of time he is in his room up to him, he has a chance to cool down without getting even more angry because he is in "time out". If he acted up 5 seconds later, the consequence was the same.
  • JNick77
    JNick77 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Okay, so you're in a hard situation for sure. I had two step-children and one of them was just awful. I ended-up having to kick him out of the house at 18 because it was just that bad. My marriage has just ended, attorney is drawing up the paperwork this week, as a result of our inability to deal with him from the time he was 10 until now which is three years after I kicked him out.

    It almost sounds like it would be best if you had full custody of him but you must get some help for him and the family. ADHD... I bet it's probably not. ADHD meds like Aderol don't compensate for a lack of discipline and stability in the child's life. He's just been completely undisciplined for 5 years and that's the real issue. No matter how good of a father your fiance is, it doesn't matter because he's with mom considerably more. Also, by the time they're 5 they've already developed into a lot of the person they're going to be; it's doable but it's going to take some work.

    Based on my marriage and what I leaned I will say this. Have a serious discussion with your fiance right now about this. I bet he could get full custody of him, make a case to dissolve the mother's rights or at the least get supervised visitation, and you guys can work on it as a family. BUT, it's going to take all three of you and you and him will have to talk about this and be very honest with each other. This kid needs good consistent discipline and stability at this point and although I do support spanking, that's not going to solve anything with the type of child he's become. If this goes un-addressed the child will only get worse, it will not get better, he will not grow out of it, and he most definitely will not wake up and be mature when he hits 18. Right now it's little problems like wanting to watch TV when he wants, eat what he wants, etc. But when he's 12, 13, 14 the issues become big, violence, theft, and drugs. I say this because my oldest stepson sounds a lot like your stepson, a lot. He's currently 21 and sitting in jail for a DUI. He was arrested twice as a minor (@ 19 and 20) for underage drinking. At 16 he was head-stomping another kid into the pavement and the only reason he stopped is because 3 other kids pulled him off, the kid had a concussion as a result. Imagine if Nick didn't stop head-stomping him??? That doesn't cover him dealing drugs, not just pot either, while in middle school and high school. At 8 years old, his issues were wanting to watch what he wanted when he wanted, video games, staying up, basically doing whatever the hell he wanted when he wanted. His father was also an alcoholic.

    If you can't come to a compromise for how to do this then DO NOT get married. We spent most of our marriage absorbed with this kids problems and those problems bled into our relationship and it was really rough, I have no idea where the last 10 years of my life went but they definitely went. The real issue is that we just couldn't come to compromise in dealing with his behavior. With his father still being in the picture it just dismantled all the work we did. Unfortunately, she refused to file to remove his father's custody, big mistake.

    I'm not trying to be a jerk but I can't reiterate this enough, the child will NOT get better if he doesn't' get addressed and addressed soon and consistently. I didn't catch when you're getting married but delaying it until you really figure out what's going on might not be a bad idea. If you're frustrated now it ONLY gets worse. It will save a lot time and heartache in the long run.
  • robot_potato
    robot_potato Posts: 1,535 Member
    if you really want to spend forever with this man, then forever includes his child no matter the circumstance. if he gets full custody you are likely better off, and so is the boy. this gives the boy stability and an opportunity for consistant discipline, which goes a long long way. he is only 5 and though it will be hard, it will be nothing like having the same issue when he is 13, 14, 15. have a serious talk with the fiance now and decide what you truly want. keep in mind that the child is his flesh and blood and if you are not willing to put in the effort, you should not take this any further.

    i know you are young, i am too. it is different because my children are my own, but consistant love and discipline could change your life and this little boy's. please make up your mind before everyone ends up heartbroken.
  • raindancer
    raindancer Posts: 993 Member
    (((HUG))) I thought you might need this!!
    Just take your time so the decision is the one everyone can live with the rest of their lives. Good Luck
  • yes! i know exactly what you mean. i understand completely. i have 2 stepkids which i have ended up adopting because their mother sounds about like your boyfriends ex. we thought getting them away from her would help the situation. it has not. my stepson also has adhd and he has odd. i have had him to drs and tried meds nothing helps. at this point i just cope the best i can. its a hard situation.